Oh my god, I've never fought so hard to stay IC because I couldn't keep myself from laughing, biggest challenge yet to keep her stuttering going. I was literally crying with tears, choking back the laughs and even then I failed. I'm still laughing typing about it again. Thank you to @Oryx , @TryaxReck, @Nudey, and @Fallen_666s. I promise Mary will keep her bat firmly on her back and not within her hands the next time y'all roll around.
Thanks to @BravoActual, @Geek, @tz (and Mr Wizard, I'm sorry I don't know your forum name!) for giving Mary a hell of a scare last night.
Also thank you to @TryaxReck for completely overloading Mary and making her sound like a broken record of "Thank You"s
I think the best thing here would be to consider what you personally find interesting. Not everyone is going to have joint interests, and everyone has different aspects of what they consider good RP. For me, personally, its having a unique character with their own goals/backstory fleshed out well enough to where you don't break your own character trying to remember things or while in the middle of a conversation. Sit down and outline your strengths, areas you want to improve on, and areas you know you can't or won't do. From there, that should give you some more perspective on what to do.
You're going to have to someday.
If Freddy and I go down, I don't want the last thing I see to be you cowering in a corner, begging for your life.
Why? Why are people like this? It shouldn't be like this. Where has everyone's morals gone? They're both right, Iggy and Freddy... But does that make me wrong for my beliefs? I don't want to think so. Can't we just be smart and careful? Iggy said pick and choose your battles... Why can't that apply to our overall behaviors?
The same war that's both directly and indirectly brought about the deaths of three people I knew.
Would the results have changed, if I had picked up a gun?
In all likelihood, I would've died alongside them if I raised my weapon. Sure, I've raised a weapon against infected. Its not the same. It would never be the same as trying to take aim and grasp the trigger against a healthy individual.
I can't do it.
They want me to do it.
What do I do here? Sacrifice my own values to adapt? Where does that leave any room for this world to improve?
I can't even have a conversation with a stranger without stuttering and shaking and you want me to be capable of shooting them. There's a big part of me that would rather take myself out if it came to a situation where I watched Igor and Freddy go down. What would be left for me if I lost you two? My unborn child?
Iggy, I'm questioning letting this child continue after your words. I don't want this world for my child. Should I spare them? Can I do anything to make this place shine with color again?
I'd sooner put a bullet in my own skull than lose the two people I have left in this godforsaken country.
Why does this keep fucking happening?
I'm sick of watching people die.
Iggy, what have you done?
You beat him just feet away from me, and while a part of me understands why, that doesn't make it right. I saw the note you left behind. I couldn't help myself, I took a moment to read it. If he was like a brother to you, how could you do it? What if I had done something? Would you beat me too? Put a bullet in my skull? I'm certainly not your brother.
I'm scared, Iggy.
Does no one have any value for the lives of others anymore?
I should have done something. I should have stopped them. But I was so scared... I'm sorry. I was useless again. I couldn't even speak to a dying man as he uttered apologies to me.
I should have said something. Anything other than "I-I-I..."
I'm so sorry.
Castle of Glass
What the fuck is this? They're gone. They're both gone. I watched them die. I couldn't help them.
How did it come to this?
Eva pulled me aside and said she was leaving... She gave me her pink bear, a letter, and a promise that we'd keep in touch. I wanted to cry. In fact, I did cry when I saw just how many people were leaving. Jon and Linda went with them, and I felt like I was being torn in half. They said I could have gone with... But... I can't leave Freddy. I won't. Part of me is convinced that man would get himself killed if I wasn't around, and I can't take that risk.
I finally got answers; some, at least. Elijah and I spoke at length, both about his burdens, and my own concerns that I had been holding in for so long. A part of me broke when he showed me his arm. Instinctively I reached for my bandages and he stopped me, trying to tell me that it was okay. It was not okay, Elijah. I wish you hadn't had to go through that pain. No one deserves to go through the things you told me as I sat below you, clinging to that cold metal ladder. You weren't a monster, Elijah. At the end of the day, you were a man trying to protect his family. A monster wouldn't have bothered.
Did I get through to you at all? Did you believe me? Did it help? I'll never know now.
The only indication I have that you no longer wanted to die was listening as you begged them not to...
I hope I gave you some shred of hope. Anything before what you went through at the end.
I'm so sorry.
Every time I close my eyes, that moment in the woods haunts me. Elijah and Josh... Both gone before I could even fully comprehend what was happening. All I understood was heart break, and all I could hear in that moment was screaming. Were they my screams? All the blood... I feel like I'm still covered in Josh's blood... I can't get it off.
Home was the people around us.
They're all gone now.
I don't know where they are.
Home is gone. I have no home.
I won't let that stand. There are too many things left unfinished, too many soured notions. Please forgive me, but I'm going to take some time to recover. Then? Then I'll get to work. I still have a job to do and a child to protect.
You know, if the child is a boy, I think I may name it Elijah...
From day one, this group made me feel as though I had a home on the server. It's been excellent fun exploring Mary with all of you, learning her as I learned all of you.
She meant what she said to Elijah; home was the people around them.
Lethargy seems to be the only state of being I'm capable of as of late. I could see my own reflection in the water yesterday. Watched my own sunken eyes staring back at me. Its a wonder I caught any fish at all. I keep my face covered, doctor's orders, after all, so I can't fault anyone for not noticing, and I'd rather not be a cause for worry for anyone once again. I'm still struggling with consuming any source of nourishment. I can't help but wonder; is this from all the vomiting, or simply the stress? I saw so many new faces last night and simply kept tucked behind Freddy. I know they're good people, but I... I don't want to know them.
Knowing them would only bring more pain.
They're bound to get hurt sooner or later.
I can't help if I care.
Fuck, I had a full blown panic attack while trying to stitch Andrew the night the Cultists took me. I was furious when I stitched Freddy. Did he see my hands shake as I chastised him? Did he see through the forced façade? If it had been any worse...
What if I can't save him? Any of them?
If it came down to the wire, would I be able to keep it together for any of them?
The stuttering has been so bad lately, I can barely talk like a functional adult at times. People are noticing. It wasn't this bad... Was the night I had an unexpected patient the catalyst? I don't think I got a single word out that night without stuttering...
To top it off, I woke up to hear of arguments. I've kept silent for so long about my own doubts, and ultimately I ended up speaking to Eva about my side of the coin. I... I really don't want to talk about it again, but, I will if I have to. Though honestly, I think I'd prefer to speak with Williams directly about it, if I do go over it again. While I'm at it, should I mention the blatant disregard for my own privacy? Perhaps its better if I don't. I don't want anyone upset. I'm so sick of all the anger and frustration.
I just want some rest. A brief respite away. It feels like that last castle tour happened years ago...
The fighting needs to stop.
Why is it that the best days always seem to turn into the worst days? I woke up and was... Happy. Excited. Optimistic.
Freddy, the darling he is, got me outside of camp. Do you know where he took me? To a fucking castle. I was beyond myself, so happy. I couldn't believe he had gone out of his way to take us there. The ruins, the history, it all seemed to sing a gentle song amidst the wind and the fog as we looked out from the top of the castle's remaining turret. Honestly, I could've spent the rest of my life up there, just soaking it all in with Freddy. I wonder what his response would have been if I had asked for us to stay there, if only for a little while... I can't keep him from the others. Its not fair to them. Not fair to him. Not if he wants to be there.
I almost regret deciding to be there during the day; I bet the view would have been enchanting under the starry night sky.
Can we just pretend, for a moment, that all the horrifying things never happened?
But they did. And we can't.
Today was so promising. So...normal. Perhaps I slipped to far into fantasy. I allowed myself to forget, for an instant, and I shouldn't have. But, you know, it's so easy to relax when I'm around him. Part of me hates it, resents the fact that it's so ungodly difficult to process emotions without him forcing me to crack a smile. Just a small part.
I really do rely on him too much, but at the same time, he's my rock. He keeps me centered, even when I don't want to be.
As per usual, shit happened at camp after we got back, resulting in Freddy, Iggy, and myself fleeing. Again. I'm so tired.
Josh stubbornly refused to leave, resulting in Freddy feeling obligated to go retrieve his idiotic ass. I adore Josh but sometimes he can be... obstinate.
After a brief game of "I Spy", we ended up leaving a napping Iggy and Josh. We walked and talked at length and my heart swelled and hurt all at once. I timidly asked some questions, more circling around in my mind. Though, I feel I already know the answers for most of them. Perhaps better left unspoken.
We ended up at an abandoned encampment, where we got a radio from Iggy. Or rather, I got a radio from Iggy, asking where we were. I apprehensively asked Freddy if it was alright to tell him, knowing fully well that any trust he had given to Iggy had likely vanished after an earlier slip up regarding Iggy's... acquaintances. Surprisingly, Freddy allowed me to radio our location and it didn't take long for Iggy to arrive.
My heart was racing. I knew Freddy planned to speak with Iggy, and terror shot through me, worried about the potential for them to point their guns at one another. Please, please don't hurt each other. I don't want anyone hurt. Not again. No more.
I couldn't even have a moment of relief after they reached an amicable agreement before Iggy informed us that he had someone in need of medical attention. My heart plummeted from my chest. They won't help him. I knew they wouldn't. So I helped. Or rather, I tried to. I'm not a doctor at the end of the day. I have my limits. Especially when I'm stressed to the point where I can't speak a coherent sentence. I tried.
Please tell me I was able to help.
Don't let me have made things worse.
I may have made matters worse.
I hate this.
All this anger.
All this fear.
Can I please go back to the castle now?
Its been a while since I've written. Sorry. Actually, I don't know why I'm apologizing, you're just an inanimate object. I've been so overwhelmed lately. Fear... Fear is a constant state of being for me at this point, and I'm trying so hard to relax. Its not healthy to be this stressed in my condition... I don't know how to fix that... Freddy gave me a gift the other day, accompanied with a promise.
He passed me a necklace that he always wears, saying he'd always come back for that thing. I'm concerned that it may be a promise he can't keep. If he breaks that promise... It'll destroy me. I debated for quite a while on what to do in response. You'll notice, dear diary, that I've torn a page from you. I made him swear not to read it, not unless he felt he wasn't coming back to me. It says what I'm not ready to tell him. Just in case... In case something happens before I get the opportunity to tell him face to face.
He also went off on me yesterday. I... I don't know what to do about that. Nothing I do is ever right. I don't deserve him. I couldn't even help the reason he was angry. I wasn't the one who brought him up, Lion did. I'll admit, what I heard hurt like hell. I'm conflicted about what to do, and to make matters worse Iggy ended up telling me he's not getting consistent medical care. Maybe I deserved being yelled at for considering going to him to see about his health. But I haven't gone anywhere. Not yet. I'll stick by my promise not to radio him.
At least I know he doesn't hate me. He can't hate me if he doesn't remember me.
Why does my heart hurt so much?
I just want everyone safe. Healthy. Happy.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Please, god, or whatever may be out there, don't let Freddy get hurt. Don't let him break his promise.
---This entry has been torn from the Journal and was last known to be in Freddy's possession--
I wasn't awake for most of the day. I haven't been sleeping well. Not since...
I won't go there.
Freddy told me something today that threw me off. More than off. He threw me into the ocean again, struggling against the rip tide. It wasn't on purpose. Its not his fault.
He told me he loves me.
I don't deserve him. I don't deserve his kindness. I don't deserve his love. Not after everything I put him through. Put both of them through.
I don't deserve either of their love.
I was at war with myself, trying desperately to find the right words for him. I care. I do. Deeply. More than I could probably ever tell him. At least, right now.
Do I love him?
A fair part of me does, yes.
I stood like there as if I had been struck by a bat, and all I could do was hug him. I need to sort myself. I need to do more. I need to find some way to feel as though I've earned the affection being given to me. Because right now, I haven't earned any of this. Its all been so one sided and unfair to him. I won't stand for that.
I won't say a word on the matter for now. Not until I'm feeling better. Not until I'm certain the words wouldn't be forced. He deserves to hear it at a time where I'm not fighting myself to say it. A time where it comes easily; today was not that time.
I don't want to be awake anymore... I'm going back to bed...
It was so much simpler when I thought you were dead. Why haven't I heard your chipper voice over the radio? I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe I'll tear this page from its bindings some day and give it to you. For now, I've made a promise. That I won't reach out. I'm a woman of my word. You know that more than anyone.
Andrew, do you hate me?
Perhaps it'd make this pain go away if you did. Why did you have to talk with me that day at the bar? Why me? If you hadn't been my shoulder to cry on that day... None of this would have ever happened. Or would it?
I tried to get answers.
I feel like I only have more questions.
I haven't spoken to anyone in depth about our conversation. I can't. It hurts too much. I'll admit, I tried to with Freddy. My voice hitched in my throat and I adverted the conversation down a path I was willing to discuss.
Do you understand now? Why I wouldn't come to you?
Did you know that for a moment, in all my anger, I almost tried to kill you? You were right there. Vulnerable. No one would have known.
But that's not me, is it? Were you right? Am I being manipulated?
Where has my light gone?
I forced it today. I went from quiet to squalling the first ounce of bullshit the came into my head. From the outside looking in, I would've wondered if someone had given me drugs. I tried so desperately to be the person I used to be. The woman worthy of being loved. Where has she gone? I don't know if I'll ever see that side of myself again. She died when you got shot.
I hardly slept last night, my thoughts have been such an erratic mess. You know, I went fishing today. I could see the dam you walked me across, and I ended up lost to my thoughts a few times before Eva and Freddy called me back to reality.
I'm sorry, this probably isn't making sense. I know I'm jumping around. I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry.
In the moments where my memories consumed me, do you know what I kept replaying in my head? Our last moments together. I was so... cold. Cruel. Angry. I was scared. I should have known better. I get it. I do. You never would've hurt me. It took me too long to understand that.
I never told you, but there's a reason why I was so unbelievably defensive and angry. I've lost a child before, Andrew. I had the absolute shit literally kicked out of me. I lost the child. I trusted he wouldn't hurt me. It bit me in the ass, and my child paid the price.
I couldn't go through that again.
Why did I so readily accept their condemnation of you?
I wish I could speak with you more. I won't. But...
The brief time we spent in that room reminded me of feelings I thought I had lost. Feelings that were stripped from me between sobs. Replaced only with anger. I'm so sorry. I should have come to you, sought answers.
What was in the teddy...
Why didn't I talk to you?
You told me you loved me again. I opened my mouth to speak and faltered, thinking of Freddy. Thinking of you. Thinking of everything that has happened. If you had stayed in the room... If you hadn't left... If I could only find my voice again...
I would have told you. Reiterated once more, words that I never thought I would direct towards you again.
Everything has become such a tumultuous storm, and I'm sinking.
I loved you. I loved you.
I loved you so wholly that you became a part of me, more than I had ever let anyone in. Now I've lost you, can't speak to you. Can't tell you. I promised.
I was floundering. If we had spoken any longer... I would have stayed. I don't doubt that. I was on the precipice, my resolve gone and a burning desire for answers replacing them.
Lying here now, idyllic dreams come to mind. A world where everyone I care about would have been safe. A world where my child could grow up safe. You told me that regardless, you would have raised that child as your own. Did you mean it?
Perhaps you did. It seems you don't now. I don't blame you. I would hate me too.
I should have trusted you.
I won't radio. I won't give you this letter. Not now.
For one last time, for my own sake, to get this out in some fashion...
I love you, Andrew. I truly hope your life is better without me in it. I truly do fancy you quite a bit.
The entire page is covered in stains; remnants of tears forever soaking the page.
I can't breathe. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't drink. I sat and eyed the line in my arm for what felt like hours, knowing fully well I had an emergency bag stashed in my sack. I didn't use it. I can't. I won't. I can't fucking breathe.
I just wanted to gather fruit. I just wanted to be useful. We always need food. I wanted to help. I just wanted to help. Then the rain started. How fucking poetic. The downpour was unknowingly warning me. I was too blind to see it. I lost myself in the warmth of the fire when a shuffling beside me startled me out of my thoughts. I whirled around, coming face to face with Andrew.
Why. Why did you have to come. I wish you hadn't come. Maybe... Maybe...
Before I could even so much as gasp he had me removing my radio. I eyed the gun in his hands. I had to comply. I couldn't risk it. I couldn't risk losing another fucking baby. I wouldn't let it happen again. I stayed silent, as he took me into the woods. Apologies flew out of his mouth. Words.
All the words in the world can't change any of this. How could you do this.
Andrew. Why? Why? Why?
He insisted this was for my own good. My safety... No. Our safety. The child and I.
I frantically sought a way out, and nearly edged myself away from him and his men at the car when I suppose he caught on. He rounded on me, closing off the escape route to my left, and instructed me to get in.
I watched in dismay as we pulled further and further away from camp, and down the road to Cherno. I yelled. More than I've yelled in years. The anger. The fear. It flooded me. The people there didn't bat an eye at the fact that I was clearly there against my will. How could they not care? Does no one care? Is everything a lie?
They were all complicit.
They moved me multiple times, evidently seeking a doctor for me at Andrew's behest. I didn't want their doctor. I wanted Dr Mayfield. I trust him. I don't know these people.
Eventually, I was placed in an apartment building, and I get the impression I made people uncomfortable with my yelling. Fuck them.
Andrew and I sat and talked at length. I started to calm down. Gain my composure. Questions flooded my mind as he spoke, but my voice faltered. If I had only spoken up... maybe... Could I have saved him?
If only I had stopped him from leaving. Useless. Again.
He'll never know. I couldn't speak. Did it hurt him? My silence?
I'm so fucking sorry. I never wanted anyone hurt. I never wanted this. Why did you have to come for me? Because I'm useless and you feel that my people and I cannot protect ourselves.
Andrew left the room, leaving me trapped inside the apartment. I scrambled around looking for a way out, finding no safe route, I kicked the furnace and sat for a moment, with my head in my hands. I had to leave. It wasn't safe for him. It's not safe for him. I can't let him get hurt over something so simple, something that I can resolve if I can just find the words.
I knew Freddy wouldn't stop until I was found; I warned Andrew of as much. I wish he had listened. It wasn't Freddy though. Freddy didn't hurt him.
Gunshots crackled and echoed through every nook in the city. I raced up, panic filling me. Had they hurt him? Had he hurt them? Is everyone okay? PLEASE DON'T LET ANYONE BE HURT.
I scrambled out to the balcony where I caught sight of a man, looking vaguely familiar. I stepped back, uncertainty filling me before he called up to me, asking if I was okay. Is.. Is that Mayfield? That voice... I met the man on the bottom floor of the apartment, and my suspicions were confirmed; Dr Mayfield was here. He had me jump from the balcony, catching me on the way down.
We waded through the frigid waters and onto the other side of the embankment and took off like a pair of spooked horses, running like mad until we regrouped with some of our people. I was handed a radio and explained in a rush the synopsis of what had happened, pleading over the radio for them to not hurt Andrew. Though misguided, he meant well. He wouldn't have hurt me. He didn't hurt me. I promise I'm okay.
I'm not okay. Did he have a point?
Eventually the group converged together, and I caught murmurings of Andrew, and my heart sank. Was he dead? Nobody was telling me anything. Nobody. I had to know. I needed to know. Please tell me. Please.
So I spoke with Freddy. And I listened. And listened. And listened. This pain. Why? Why? Wasn't I done? Hadn't I forsaken him, the supposed traitor to our people?
He almost didn't tell me. I insisted. I felt like I had a right to know. After everything. Especially considering...
Why did I have to know?
And cried some more.
I'm still fucking crying.
Thank you, Freddy, for telling me. When no one else did. Thank you. Thank you for being there. When no one else was... Freddy has always been my guardian angel and despite all the pain, everything inside, he still managed to put a smile on my face. I don't agree with the justifications, and I probably never will. But... He tried.
I wanted nothing more than to wander off. To lose myself to the nothing; the void that is slowly creeping in. But I can't expect him to be able to stay by my side 24/7. Its not fair to him. He's always looking after me. I'll just end up continually dragging him down. Have I not hurt him as well? I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I never wanted any of this. I miss our fireside snarky conversations in Berezino. I miss who I used to be. Am I still that kind girl? The one you said was so nice? Or am I just as accountable for Andrew's death?
I am just as complicit.
They left him bleeding out. In the end, he was alone.
Will I be alone in the end?
A small quotation follows the entry:
Together in all these memories
I see your smile.
All the memories I hold dear.