"My whole life had one purpose and now it's gone. So tell me...why should I care?"
I never really had a chance. She never really had a chance. Growing up in a shit hole like we did does that to you. It takes away all your chances.
It never really bothered me for my sake, I was made for this life. I was good at this life. Truth to be told I even liked this life.
But my sister was an angel. The only person that ever matter to me. She did not deserve this life, and she was also not made for it.
I tried, I really tried, but I was never good at protecting things. Everything I touch breaks at the end and so did my sister. My sweet innocent sister whose smile always made me forget the harsh truth of our everyday life. She was the sole reason I woke up in the morning. The only reason that made me pursue a better life. The only person that told me what is right and what is wrong.
After she was gone, I lost something. I'm still searching for it. If she could see me now, she would be ashamed. I couldn't help it, I was made for this life and without her in it there was nothing left to stop me from becoming what I always was.
I couldn't find a new direction and so I just left. Days became weeks and weeks became months. I never stayed in the same place, always moved around. Life was hollow, it still is hollow.
The only thing that I could still feel was the wind that brushed through my hair when I was lying on a freight wagon, moving through the depths of Russia.
The only thing that still matters is the cool east wind that brushes through my hair. It gives me the same chilling feeling when she brushed her soft hands through my hair. I always have to smile when I remember that feeling. I makes me forget and at the same time remember. My heart arches, my eyes water but I still have to smile.
Life is painful but death is the uncertain. I'm scared of the uncertain. I think my fear is the only thing that's keeping me alive these days. I'm thankful for that fear. I guess there still is a small naive part in me that hopes for a better life, for better times and times without so much pain.
I'm talking about my pain. I think I lost the ability to feel the pain of others long ago. Maybe all the pain I'm feeling made me numb. I don't know. The only thing that gives me a glimpse of what life used to be is the wind that brushed through my hair.
Nothing else works anymore. My pain, the pain of others, hurting myself, hurting others. It's all so pointless and numb. Life has become a shadow of what it once was and the world is adjusting to it. That's why everything is so fucked.
I'm still young but in my short life I have learned many lessons. And now I think I finally understood the most important one. There is no good or evil. There is only life. And life hurts like a motherfucker.
Violent Rebellious Loyal Distrustful Realist
- Art (drawing, painting, making sculptures, singing, playing an instrument)
- violence against women
- the nickname "Nik"
wears a rosary with the inscription "Rest in Peace Cassedy"
several badly healed stab wounds on the right upper arm and the shoulder
angel tattoo over the stab wounds on the right upper arm
Hunting / Fishing