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""All the gods, all the heavens, all the hells are within you.""

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  1. yeah, details made it a bit hard for me to shorten it, as everything to me feels really important >.<; that's how I am though. This was posted before the forum change also, just wanted to repost it Hopefully even though its super long it can help some people
  2. Kind Of A Rant But Not A Rant

  3. Roleplaying a Personality Disorder: Film, science, and multiple personalities. By Brenna/RogueSolace So I’ve decided to put this together because I’ve been seeing lots of people come up with really good ideas in how mental stress would make them respond in an actual apocalypse. The problem is that most get it horribly, cringeworthily, wrong. I’ll possibly be writing a few of these about various disorders. This essay will specify Multiple Personality Disorder, or as it is known in science as Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). While this is going to end up a very long read, as most of the readers of my stories know, it will be worth it. This is a very extensive illness and quite complicated. The more you understand about what it really is, the better you can be at roleplaying it. The first thing is to understand the definition of what the mental illness is. ‘Crazy’ can cover a broad range of mental illnesses that tend to be lumped together into things that don’t exist. The most common thing we see, is a mix of DID and Schizophrenia. People have multiple personas, hear things, see things, etc. “Schizophrenia- (NIMH)- Schizophrenia is a chronic and severe mental disorder that affects how a person thinks, feels, and behaves. People with schizophrenia may seem like they have lost touch with reality. Although schizophrenia is not as common as other mental disorders, the symptoms can be very disabling. Symptoms of schizophrenia usually start between ages 16 and 30. In rare cases, children have schizophrenia too. The symptoms of schizophrenia fall into three categories: positive, negative, and cognitive. Positive symptoms: “Positive” symptoms are psychotic behaviors not generally seen in healthy people. People with positive symptoms may “lose touch” with some aspects of reality. Symptoms include: • Hallucinations • Delusions • Thought disorders (unusual or dysfunctional ways of thinking) • Movement disorders (agitated body movements) Negative symptoms: “Negative” symptoms are associated with disruptions to normal emotions and behaviors. Symptoms include: • “Flat affect” (reduced expression of emotions via facial expression or voice tone) • Reduced feelings of pleasure in everyday life • Difficulty beginning and sustaining activities • Reduced speaking Cognitive symptoms: For some patients, the cognitive symptoms of schizophrenia are subtle, but for others, they are more severe and patients may notice changes in their memory or other aspects of thinking. Symptoms include: • Poor “executive functioning” (the ability to understand information and use it to make decisions) • Trouble focusing or paying attention • Problems with “working memory” (the ability to use information immediately after learning it)” National Alliance of Mental Illness (NAMI) Explains a Dissociative Disorder as: “Dissociative disorders are characterized by an involuntary escape from reality characterized by a disconnection between thoughts, identity, consciousness and memory. People from all age groups and racial, ethnic and socioeconomic backgrounds can experience a dissociative disorder. It’s estimated that 2% of people experience dissociative disorders, with women being more likely than men to be diagnosed. Almost half of adults in the United States experience at least one depersonalization/derealization episode in their lives, with only 2% meeting the full criteria for chronic episodes. The symptoms of a dissociative disorder usually first develop as a response to a traumatic event, such as abuse or military combat, to keep those memories under control. Stressful situations can worsen symptoms and cause problems with functioning in everyday activities. However, the symptoms a person experiences will depend on the type of dissociative disorder that a person has. Treatment for dissociative disorders often involves psychotherapy and medication. Though finding an effective treatment plan can be difficult, many people are able to live healthy and productive lives. - See more at: http://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Mental-Health-Conditions/Dissociative-Disorders#sthash.UK0cGSFZ.dpuf” Another explanation: “Dissociative disorders are mental illnesses that involve disruptions or breakdowns of memory, consciousness or awareness, identity and/or perception — mental functions that normally work smoothly. When one or more of these functions is disrupted, dissociative symptoms can result.” Symptoms and Signs of Dissociative Disorders via NAMI: • Significant memory loss of specific times, people and events • Out-of-body experiences, such as feeling as though you are watching a movie of yourself • Mental health problems such as depression, anxiety and thoughts of suicide • A sense of detachment from your emotions, or emotional numbness • A lack of a sense of self-identity National Alliance of Mental Illness describes 3 forms of Dissociative Disorders. Dissociative Amnesia- The main symptom is difficulty remembering important information about one’s self. Dissociative amnesia may surround a particular event, such as combat or abuse, or more rarely, information about identity and life history. The onset for an amnesic episode is usually sudden, and an episode can last minutes, hours, days, or, rarely, months or years. There is no average for age onset or percentage, and a person may experience multiple episodes throughout her life. Not typically permanent. Five different patterns of memory loss have been reported in patients with dissociative amnesia: • Localized. The patient cannot recall events that took place within a limited period of time (usually several hours or 1–2 days) following a traumatic event. For example, some survivors of the World Trade Center attacks do not remember how they got out of the damaged buildings or what streets they took to get away from the area. • Selective. The patient can remember some, but not all of the events that took place during a limited period of time. For example, a veteran of D-Day (June 6, 1944) may recall some details, such as eating a meal on the run or taking prisoners, but not others (seeing a close friend hit or losing a commanding officer). • Generalized. The person cannot recall anything in his/her entire life. Persons with generalized amnesia are usually found by the police or taken by others to a hospital emergency room. • Continuous. The amnesia covers the entire period without interruption from a traumatic event in the past to the present. • Systematized. The amnesia covers only certain categories of information, such as all memories related to a certain location or to a particular person. Most patients diagnosed with dissociative amnesia have either localized or selective amnesia. Generalized amnesia is extremely rare. Patients with generalized, continuous, or systematized amnesia are usually eventually diagnosed as having a more complex dissociative disorder, such as dissociative identity disorder (DID). (http://www.minddisorders.com/Del-Fi/Dissociative-amnesia.html) Depersonalization Disorder- This disorder involves ongoing feelings of detachment from actions, feelings, thoughts and sensations as if they are watching a movie (depersonalization). Sometimes other people and things may feel like people and things in the world around them are unreal (de-realization). A person may experience depersonalization, de-realization or both. Symptoms can last just a matter of moments or return at times over the years. The average onset age is 16, although depersonalization episodes can start anywhere from early to mid-childhood. Less than 20% of people with this disorder start experiencing episodes after the age of 20. Dissociative Identity Disorder- Formerly known as multiple personality disorder, this disorder is characterized by alternating between multiple identities. A person may feel like one or more voices are trying to take control in their head. Often these identities may have unique names, characteristics, mannerisms and voices. People with DID will experience gaps in memory of every day events, personal information and trauma. Women are more likely to be diagnosed, as they more frequently present with acute dissociative symptoms. Men are more likely to deny symptoms and trauma histories, and commonly exhibit more violent behavior, rather than amnesia or fugue states. This can lead to elevated false negative diagnosis. I think the second most important part is that most people seem to think that in order to have good roleplay they have to be violent. While some people can pull of very good hostile rp, the reality is that how often most people rp it and with their reasons, it’s completely illogical. What people also don’t think about, it gets really fucking boring, really quickly. People look at something and throw in violence for it to be easy. Some of the best RP’s I’ve done with people are mental. You can take mental, and not have it go violent. You can still get great story from it. You just have to be creative about it, think of it as a challenge. A SWTOR Example: My jedi was confused as a friend (trooper) was locked up for flipping out on a superior officer. An action that while he did do stupid things, was out of character for him. None of the higher class Troopers were actually listening to him, mostly just short and angry ‘what was that?’ type of questions. They ignored any real responses he tried to give them, causing him to shut down and refuse to respond. He was being held in a cell to be court martialed. My jedi pulls a chair up, calmly asks him to go over what happened, and listened intently. Because my actions were not just tossing his reason aside, actually showing that I cared, and actually listening, I ended up learning about his past of having been tortured and forced to watch his family be killed. This military was unaware of this history. I was able to figure out that the officer had done something to provoke him to ‘lash out’ in what his body thought was an attack. My jedi went to the 2nd in command of the troopers along with their leader, and calmly explained the situation. I asked if they were familiar with PTSD from their soldiers (2nd in command was) and that perhaps they should look at his story a bit differently. They took him aside and spoke with him. Their final verdict was to dismiss the court martial, make him re-do basic training, and put him in mental support session w 2nd in command. Ended up having an amazing rp session without once resorting to violence. In film, we see multiple things: Person has ‘another persona’ or multiples. The normal film traits of this persona: • The character either IS or IS NOT aware of the other persona • The persona is usually violent • The other persona is manipulative • The other persona is a personality who does ‘not want to leave’ and wants control, secrecy etc. • The personas can have conversations • Any sort of disassociation is shown as being emotionally numb and WANTS to inflict pain for whatever reason These are typically what we see when people ‘roleplay’ DID. The problem, is that it’s horribly, horribly wrong. This system is used for shock factor (Fight Club), etc. It’s used to tell a high tension story to make lots of money and entertain people. This is nothing like real life. So let’s break this down. You want to have a dissociative disorder, or especially DID? You have to break down what kind of disorder you are going to focus on. • Dissociative Amnesia- Via some kind of traumatic memory, the mind simply forgets, or makes details difficult to remember, regarding a situation. This can sometimes apply to simple life things and personal history. Typically the episode is sudden, but can last minutes to years. No average age, can have multiple experiences. This disorder works in how memory loss is not simple amnesia. It is not normal forgetfulness but full out gaps in memory. The memories are buried, and cannot be pulled out on their own, though some things may start to return after being triggered by something in the surrounding environment. o Look at the likelihood for each type of sub amnesia, then chose a specific type. Focus on rping one of the 5 specific forms. WRONG ROLEPLAY: Combining multiple types of amnesia to make things ‘special’ in your case. CORRECT ROLEPLAY: Pick a specific kind, study it, incorporate it into your story and rp it as it would come up. • Depersonalization Disorder- o Suffer from depersonalization- actions, feelings, thoughts and sensations are detached. The individual may feel as if they are watching a movie of themselves instead of experiencing the real things around them. o Suffer from derealization- people and things in the world around them feel not real. o Both: Combination. WRONG ROLEPLAY: The biggest screw up I see in RP is that people take one of these two, and decide it means they can just go on carnage sprees. “Oh, I don’t feel like anything around me is real, I’m just going to cut you up because you’re not real it makes me feel better.” Or “Well I’m numb and obviously must be dreaming or something, this can’t be real, I’m just going to start cutting you up to prove myself this isn’t real/amuses me.” Just because you have no emotion towards something, does not mean you immediately or almost constantly become aggressive. Think about it, when you’re in a situation where you don’t understand something because it’s confusing and it feels like your senses are lying to you, you are more than likely going to feel fear and confusion. Not violent. CORRECT ROLEPLAY: • “Something feels off whenever this guy in the gasmask comes and talks with me. I can’t place it really. It’s like he’s in a dream or something, like an imaginary friend? Am I hallucinating him? Huh… I must be. Okay brain, we apparently have a new buddy.” (The person could be totally real and player could think they’re not) • “I feel like I’m always watching a movie. There’s this person that is really nice and likes me.. I think I should like them back, but…I don’t know how.” • “The rabid dogs keep biting me.” “what?” “The dogs! They’re all over and they growl. They must be rabid because they keep making this weird noise and chasing me. See? I have bites! But I don’t get sick from them…I don’t know why.” (Person is refusing to believe that the dead walk the earth and their brain ‘replaces’ infected with something that makes logical sense to the person). • Dissociative Identity Disorder- due to trauma, the body develops a persona to cope with it. Persona knows everything the person does, but person tends to black out when persona takes over. As person is taught to cope with trauma, persona disappears as it is no longer needed. WRONG ROLEPLAY: • Nearly all examples sadly in game • Persona is violent • Persona must remain secret • Persona takes over and wants to be the dominant personality or take over the person • Persona flips out about the concept of being removed RIGHT ROLEPLAY: • When person is emotionally needing comfort, a persona of a child who likes to play with hair may come forward and follow around people in the group. Persona simply wants to sit and lean against a person and play gently with their hair, as it seems to be soothing to them. • Person being repeatedly forced to torture develops a persona to protect them as it tears them apart. Persona simply appears when needed, does its job (torture), leaves. Persona won’t actively enjoy doing it, as in seek out people specifically to hurt. It is simply there to serve a purpose when it has to. • Persona who is protective of their person and engages when they feel someone is treating them wrong. May be simply more outgoing or willing to get into verbal fights to protect their more quiet and scared self. Think protective older sibling. THING TO REMEMBER: Personalities develop as a thing to protect the mind and self. NOT to engage it in more dangerous behavior. Real life Examples: I made some really good finds on Reddit while looking into these. Here are some of the best I found. Describing Schizophrenia https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/5pvjs3/for_those_who_have_suffered_from_schizophrenia/?sort=top Psychosis is not analogous with "psychopath". We're not evil lunatics. Psychosis is very disorientating. You make connections and try to find meaning in everything. I'll try and describe a few things I experienced at my worst time. One morning I drove to the doctor's before the clinic opened, and I was convinced I had to scavenge for 'valuable' objects, so I collected a plant, a wet stone, and a few other things. I thought Star Wars: The Force Awakens was about my life, so I had to scavenge for my life. When I was at the doctor's, I was suspicious of everyone. The nurses and doctors with blue eyes could be trusted. I saw another doctor with green eyes, and I didn't want to talk to her, because she was jealous of me for some reason. The world was ending and I was the reincarnation of Jesus, or an angel, and the world was going to end either by freezing to death, or burning in fire (Game of Thrones reference). When it's happening, it feels absolutely real, and it's very isolating, because only you are experiencing those feelings. I've only listed a few things I believed/made connections to (there are literally dozens). It's the same with hallucinations. I imagined a room full of people and had conversations with them. Something felt slightly odd, but I was so disorientated that those people felt natural to me. I'd type more, but it's a little distressing these days. edit: Thank you all for the encouraging messages. Pretty awesome to see so many people genuinely interested in learning about it to help others. A few people have asked how they can help their friends with it, so I'll copy some advice I've written individually. Bear in mind that this might not help others the way it's helped me. Everyone has their own personal demons and fears, so it'll manifest in different ways. For context I'm a female, mid 20s. • You'll need to be as compassionate as possible, and somehow let them know they can trust you and won't harm them. Don't be harsh, and don't try to touch them unless they reach out to you first. • What helped was reiterating very basic facts. At the hospital, I'd do my best to say "Today is the 15th of January and I took these medications yesterday", and name the medicine, and having the nurses nod and smile really helped me realize I was getting better and having a firmer grasp of reality. Also really mundane news helped too. It reminded there's life outside of my own head. • I'd say educating yourself and as many people as you can about it. Realize that if an individual is going through it, it's very scary in their mind, and some things they do might not make sense. There's almost an urgency in their/our actions. So you have to gently guide them towards doing the right things (eating, sleeping well, drinking enough water). • Calm is definitely key. Avoid very stimulating media. I couldn't watch any action shows/movies for a while. Dressing up warm and going for short walks and coloring helped me calm down. Describing Psychosis associated with Schizophrenia (can also be a symptom of BiPolar Disorder) • I think every psychosis is different. I just felt empty and like everything was a waste of time since I'm dying anyway. It felt like walking on a cloud while someone was pulling me on leash and telling me to pretend being normal. I had almost zero hallucinations, apart from few knocks on the walls and seeing a cat quickly run away on the edge of my vision. I didn't even know I was in psychosis for a month until I was later told so after I got a bit better. I just thought I found the meaning of life to be absolutely nothing. It was weird, but mine wasn't anything like a dream or a nightmare. Kinda like my consciousness was turned off and my body did the bare minimum to stay alive while I just watched. In my opinion the physical part was worse than the mental, my body was in a constant fight or flight mode. • The connections thing also makes conversation with schizophrenics interesting. It may sound rambling and incoherent but actually whatever they are saying makes total logical sense, if you happen to be privy to the internal connective leaps they are making. • One day, I really want to write about it in depth. There's so much thought that goes in before each action or choice, and it all makes sense to someone experiencing psychosis, but to an outsider it looks incoherent and random. I think it's because it's an internal thing, and it feels like we don't have time to explain it to everyone. - internal connective leaps- This is a great way to explain it • The most common misconception I've run up against is the idea that because I'm schizophrenic, NOTHING I say or do is rooted in reality. None of my experiences are valid. None of my thoughts could possibly be logical. It's frustrating to have everything you do or say written off as a symptom, when in a lot of cases they really aren't. I'm not being paranoid when I point out that the car is parked too far from the curb in this tight little street, I'm attempting to save you from a busted mirror when someone tries to squeeze past to get out (happens all the time here). Or hey, I think the computer has a virus, it's acting up. There there, nobody's tracking you through the computer sweetheart. I know for christsake, just run a damned scan. That sort of thing. When everyone tends to assume everything you do is informed by your illness, you start believing that it might really be, and you can lose touch with the parts of you that are completely functional. But it's very hard to fight your corner because of all the times you really have lost touch with reality. Those times tend to stick in peoples' minds, whereas all the time you spend acting completely normally, just doesn't. It's extremely frustrating. Mentally ill people deal with this crap all the time, not just schizophrenics. This idea that if you're a 'crazy' person, that's all you are seems to be so deeply rooted in society, and it makes me sad because if that stigma wasn't there, mental illnesses might not have to be quite so earth-shatteringly destructive. • There was a really good AMA from an anxiety researcher related to the issue of reassurance. It may sound counter-intuitive to a person dealing with mental health issues, but excessive checking and reassurance seeking actually tend to cause the condition to worsen. Such actions are termed false safety behaviors, and part of getting better is learning to ignore the compulsion/sense of urgency to engage in them. This isn't to say that a person can't be careful or even a little meticulous, but when the behavior is extreme and causes him or her distress, it's actually just making things worse, like one of those finger puzzles that locks you in the more you try to pull away. Psychosis Q&A • Q: When I read this it sounds like an episode of psychosis is just a like dream. Do you find the experience of psychosis to be similar to a dream? A: No, not really. A lot of other people on this thread have described it extremely well, especially /u/BestFriendWatermelon. In a dream there's some detachment from the situation. With lucid dreams of course you're aware you're dreaming. I only know how I experience it, but reality seems very distorted and scary. Imagine being very very anxious, and afraid something bad is going to happen, and you're trying to diffuse the situation. Now imagine that happening in your head. You might hear something, a song lyrics, or read something in the newspaper, and you attribute those words to mean something extremely important and vital somehow. One of my delusions was being taken away by aliens, and I remember the sound of a helicopter appearing like a "spaceship" to me. Not sleeping well had a large impact on my behavior, but inside I was terrified, while my poor parents didn't know why I was so anxious and scared. At one point I ran out of the house screaming "I don't want to die". I didn't know why I felt I was about to die, but I did. It was so different from what I ever experienced in my life, but I didn't rationalize "Oh, this must be psychosis". Sorry if this was really rambley and didn't answer your question. • Q: When you have the hallucinations, do they look just like real people or are you just too disoriented to notice that they aren't? Are they people you know or usually strangers? A: I've only hallucinated people on two occasions, and this was after severe stress and sleep deprivation on top. Both times were weird. I was at a mental health clinic. The first time I saw some other "patients" at the hospital, and they were all wearing baby pink pyjamas with words like "dream" and "sleep" on them, or they were holding pillows with those words on. They were walking passed me and looked at me but said nothing. They all looked like they had down's syndrome. There was also a perfectly ordinary looking man sat on the couch. I sat next to him and he told me he "only had a little bit of time", and we started talking about books and authors (I studied English literature at university). He seemed normal albeit quite nervous, and kept looking over his shoulders. The second time I saw "nurses/support workers" and they were all of African descent. They all had exaggerated features (mostly very large eyes), and when I went up to them to ask what was happening, they'd all turn their backs to me. I remember feeling frustrated no one would help me. So to answer your question: Strangers, with slightly abnormal features. • Q: In the moment can you actually say to yourself "this isn't real?" Like you see the horse, maybe you even here it and can feel it, but can you close your eyes and wait? Or are you not that 'aware' in the moment? Like when I'm dreaming and I suddenly realize I'm dreaming I can change how I react A: I was once chatting with a mouse wearing a suit. It went something like this: Me: You can't possibly be real. You are a hallucination, aren't you? Mouse: yup. Sorry about that. Doesn't stop you from seeing me, now, does it? Me: ... nope. You're not real, but I definitely see you. Mouse: I apologize for not being real. At least my hallucinations are polite, I guess. Oh, and this was not a pleasant experience in any way. I was having this conversation while literally hiding under my bed having a panic attack waiting for my husband to get home from work. Not. Fun. • Q: When you close your eyes you can still feel or hear the hallucinations too? A: Well, I mean, it's in my head. Closing my eyes doesn't necessarily stop me from seeing things. Though, for me, most of my visual hallucinations are just, like, swirling patterns and vague shapes in the shadows and stuff that makes me dizzy (especially since it's usually accompanied by racing thoughts/panic attack), and I've only really had the auditory stuff a few times. Never hallucinated feeling things, that I know of. Observing • My mother is severely paranoid schizophrenic in addition to being diagnosed with a few other disorders, psychosis being a part of it. It can be very difficult to differentiate between the two when they act together, as she does experience auditory hallucinations and her brain creates its own reality by establishing random relationships in her mind between unrelated subjects. For example, when spoken to, what she hears is not what you say. In order to filter what she hears from the hallucinations, it has to make "sense" with what her brain is expecting to hear, but there is no rational logic acting to anchor her mind during this process on account of the psychosis. Her brain starts trying to read between the lines until it comes to settle on some perceived underlying meaning without ever fully grasping the original sentence, because it's the best she can do given the other voices she hears. This perceived meaning gets distorted until it fits within the pattern of random connections somehow, often transformed into something else completely. As such, on bad days she is almost completely incapable of understanding what people are trying to communicate to her. In turn, she also has difficulty trying to communicate with others and has to repeat herself constantly, because often what she hears coming out of her own mouth is different from the words she thinks and says. If she can't understand herself, she believes that nobody else can either and she gets stuck in this mode of repeating the same sentences for hours until the episode passes and her mind simply exhausts itself in the effort. So in her case it would be very difficult for her to tell you about it herself, but hopefully this helps to answer the question. Many misconceptions about schizophrenia probably come from people being diagnosed with multiple disorders that trigger and interact with one another in harmful ways. On good days she can show clarity in her responses to the things that are said to her and will follow fairly normal daily routines, engaging in her usual hobbies and activities, but she still tends to ramble constantly about disconnected subjects. Five seconds into any conversation and it's immediately obvious to complete strangers that something isn't quite right. The reality that gets built in her head will be based on real things around her, just skewed in ways that make it seem more like a parallel, weird universe. Currently my father is taking care of her and I check on them both regularly. She knows that she can't trust her own mind to behave 'normally' in interactions with the community, so she doesn't leave the house unaccompanied and doesn't speak to anyone outside of the family and her primary physician, dentist, etc. She is able to stay at home by herself during the day without any issues and will wait for someone to get home rather than venture anywhere on her own, keeping busy with hobbies, television, and simple tasks like laundry and vacuuming. For her, it's a safe place and when she does experience paranoia, the threat always comes from outside. Because she isn't prone to destructive tendencies, we don't have to worry as much that she might try to get out and start causing problems, which is a minor blessing. It can still happen, but there would be clear signs before her condition worsened to the point that this does become a concern. • That's the most common thing you'll see in schizophrenia, aside from tangential/disorganized speech; unusual connections between things that otherwise wouldn't exist. • I have a step-sister who has been diagnosed schizophrenic by multiple psychiatrists. It really started to come to the fore when she hit puberty, which made it tough to recognize as mental illness because we all thought it was "typical narcissistic/nasty" teenage girl behavior. She became deeply religious after living in one of those isolated religious institutes for a year, so her illness had a shade of fundamentalist Christianity to it. Basically, she was very vocal that we were all going to hell if we didn't follow the exact type of Christianity she did; she would even get into nasty arguments with other Christians over matters of scripture. She pretty much believed the world was evil and that everyone in it was trying to drive her away from the Church. I learned from observing her, that her illness manifested itself in her thoughts. She didn't hear voices, she didn't see things that weren't there, she didn't think she was Rita Hayworth. She just thought things most people do...except to an incredible extreme. Nothing you said could convince her otherwise. I didn't even know that was a sign of schizophrenia, but I guess it is. Also, I want to emphasize something: She was NEVER physically violent in the 15 years I knew her--not even once. She yelled, she screamed, she hurled the most degrading vituperations, but never laid a hand on anyone. I was more physically violent towards others than she was, and I'm not mentally ill. Just want to clear up that common misconception. Last I heard she was on medication and doing much better (she works for a living, has friends, etc.), but I haven't spoken to her in almost 7 years and I don't have any desire to ever again. Too many bad memories. • Just want to clear up that common misconception. Most people with mental illnesses are more at risk of being victims than of being perpetrators, and they're generally more of a danger to themselves than to anyone else (self-harm, suicide, and death from exposure/accident if they end up homeless and on the streets). I remember standing at a train station once, and there was this guy at one end of the platform yelling angrily at some unseen foe. Everyone was kind of scrunched up at the other end, looking around awkwardly, desperate for the train to arrive so they could get away from him. I wasn't very worried about him, though, because I thought a) We're not who he's mad at--that invisible person/creature is, and b) At least he's getting it out of his system. • My mother is schizophrenic. She's not doing well and is so far in psychosis that she lives a completely different reality pretty much at all times. It's heartbreaking. What is really frustrating is that people disregard her easily. She will start saying things that are clearly irrational or not based in reality - but it is HER reality. Those things are happening in her head and exist and are very real to her. When she tries to express them, she is often disregarded or told that her feelings and experiences are not real. That causes her to get frustrated and her psychosis only increases. Additionally, I have some family members that say things like "I don't know where she gets this stuff... I don't know where she comes up with half of what she's saying". They do not understand it's not her. She's not dreaming up conspiracies because it's fun and her mind is bored. It's because she's mentally ill and her mind is playing tricks on her to create things. This is VERY REAL and HAPPENING to her at that moment - the constant dismissal is so frustrating. My sister and myself are pretty much the only people she has that will talk to her like a normal person, validate her fears, talk to her through them, and give her the patience her disease requires. It's heartbreaking when I talk to other family members who refuse to more or less have a relationship with her because she says "too many weird things" and "is acting out again". It's just a constant carousel of blaming her for her own illness, that I guarantee she would happily give her life for just 5 minutes of normalcy. All she wants is to feel cared about and loved, for someone to tell her it's okay and instead she's constantly faced with people telling her it's all made up and in her head and distance themselves from her. It's incredibly frustrating and only continues to harm her. Describing Others With DID • Someone describing a parent with DID- “I think the best way to describe it is to imagine my Mom's head as a house with a bunch of completely different people living in it. In this house there's a matrix like jack to take control of my Mom's body. Whoever is plugged in is in control and everyone else is just sort of hanging out in the house. They talk, even have arguments in the house. They can even watch what's going through my Mom's eyes. For years they would take control and just let my Mom sleep in some backroom of the house. After treatment had gone on for awhile it got so my Mom could watch through her own eyes while the alters had control if she wanted to. That was kinda weird.” “It was never a big secret what caused it. Her father in-law severely sexually abused her as a young child and the alters were carrying the memories so she didn't have to. He died when I was six and the outpouring of love in memory of this monster seemed to trigger my Mom finally remembering. It was almost as though the alters were so pissed that people were saying all these nice things about the guy, so they had to let the truth out. She only had seven that we really know about, but my Dad suspects there were more that never really showed themselves. Picking my favorite alters is kinda easy because I only really got to see three of them. There was two young kids, one boy and one girl, who I would often play with, and there was one motherly alter who sorta filled in for my Mom some of the time (though I usually wasn't aware of it). I was never really introduced to anyone else because I was so young, all the other alters just pretended to be my Mom enough for me not to notice, they didn't want to traumatize me. Weird, I know.” “My Mom wasn't aware of what they did at all until well into treatment. One of the big clues for MPD is blacking out for stretches, like waking up in your bedroom to find you'd been at work all day and your work is done in handwriting different from yours but you don't remember a thing. As far as the alters intentions, they were mostly good. You have to remember that MPD is essentially a coping mechanism, they were formed to help my Mom by their very nature. That being said, my Dad has told me there was one alter who seemed to harbor most of the trauma and couldn't/wouldn't make the connection that if my Mom died, she would die. Apparently this alter didn't like my Mom and threatened to kill her, not realizing she would die to. It was as big a risk (if not more) as my Mom committing suicide and big part of why she had to be hospitalized so much.“ https://www.reddit.com/r/casualiama/comments/yblzy/i_spent_8_years_with_a_partner_who_suffered_from/?sort=top A very fascinating story about interactions with someone with DID. This is a very fascinating chat that I collected various parts to from a Reddit Q&A. STORY: Spending years with a partner with DID: Personalities- Four of them were kids, two boys and two girls. It was hard to peg their ages, but I'd say something like... 11, 9, 5, and 2. It's not really that easy, because the oldest acted about 11 but could also drive. There was Logic, whose purpose was to talk to me about what Jane was thinking and feeling without emotions. She was really useful, and helped me get into some areas that Jane herself couldn't remember. Then there was Fay, who liked (male) attention and thought she was oh-so-sexy and oh-so-interesting. For a short time, there was an entity that was basically a 4-year-old version of Jane. That one came out when we did regressive hypnosis, to try to figure out what the Big Trauma was. Finally, there was Hate, who I described elsewhere. She was a manifestation of resentment and anger. PSYCHOLOGY OF DID One of the first things I learned is that you're not supposed to call out the entities and hang out with them. They're symptoms of stress or anxiety, almost like a panic attack... so if you make a habit of hanging out or playing with them, the brain is conditioned to keep them out longer and the disorder gets worse. That said, we were driving back to college one night, and Jane was sleeping. One of the kids came out and asked for a story. I don't remember exactly what I told her now, but it culminated in an entire field of sheep wearing shoes made of meat. Meat shoes. She thought that was delightful and went back to sleep. In regards to Jane’s Personas: The oldest kid was a boy, and he was the protector. He could drive, and his purpose was to take care of Jane and get her out of difficult or stressful situations. He came out a lot in the beginning, to suss me out and make sure I was safe. The youngest kid was also a boy, and he could barely talk. He was a manifestation of Jane's insecurity and desire for comfort, safety, and affection. He would come out and just be held for a while, then he'd go away. Logic was literally Jane's personality with no emotion. She could talk evenly and plainly about hurtful topics, and she would sometimes come out when Jane was really upset to give me some advice. Imagine you're dealing with a hysterically crying girlfriend, and out of the blue, she just stopped crying, looked right at you, and said "She's really freaking out because you talked going on a road trip last week. She's really afraid you're making plans to break up with her and leave. Might want to say something about that." I tried really hard not to take advantage of Logic, because that would have been a violation of Jane's emotional barriers, and ultimately, her trust. When a new entity came out, it was like flipping a switch. Girlfriend gone, new entity here. She (and they) had gotten really good at masking the transition so casual observers wouldn't notice. But each entity had its own mannerisms that you could see... one was quiet and shy, one had a blank stare. One was a little girl who was convinced I was her father, so when she came out, her face lit up right away and she said "Hi Daddy!" Yeah... that took some getting used to >.> I could call out the entities by name, literally. Just like you were calling someone for dinner. They would also come out if Jane was stressed or anxious. DID is a way for the brain to handle stress. What I learned was that each entity was created for a reason... one handles social situations, one deals with anxiety, etc. It's all just a really extreme coping mechanism. Merging the personalities is a long process. The first thing you have to do is figure out what trauma caused the person's brain to fragment in the first place. There's usually one big trauma early in life that causes the fragmentation, then every time the person encounters a new situation they can't cope with, a new entity is created to handle it. To merge the personalities, the person just needs to learn healthy and effective ways to cope with stress. And at some point, you've gotta do some therapy on that big trauma too. As for personalities, I think you've got the jist of the three "adult" entities... Fay, Hate, and Logic. The oldest child was a boy, who I've described elsewhere. He was friendly and protective, and he could read, write, and drive. The two girls were actually fairly similar. The older one was shy, while the younger was more bubbly and outgoing. They were pretty typical child personalities... they liked to watch TV, eat snacks, and color. They'd get scared if we were out in public when they came out. They would sometimes come out after Jane fell asleep and ask for a bedtime story, because even though she was sleeping, they weren't. The youngest child was really just a baby. He didn't talk much and didn't have much of a personality. He'd typically just curl up on the bed and play with Jane's hair. Q & A for Jane’s Ex and her Personas Question: how much were you intimate with any of the personalities? A: Zero. I made a rule early on - there would be no shenanigans with any of the entities. Past boyfriends didn't have a problem with it, which left Jane in a weird spot... she'd "wake up" and discovered that she'd had sex while blacked out. That seemed close enough to sexual abuse to me, and I decided not to get involved with it. One of the entities ... I won't say she was a slut, but she had a thing for attention. When I told her I wasn't going to break the rule, she "went to the bathroom" and didn't come back. I found her 15 minutes later, walking downtown (we lived in a college town) to the bars. She had taken Jane's engagement ring off and put it in her pocket. I got her home, snapped Jane back, and told her what happened. She got scared... who knows where she could have woken up. But that type of incident never happened again, so I guess Jane's brain realized that letting entites wander around town was a bad idea. (Please Note: in this instance, after realizing how dangerous this could have been, the persona NEVER DID IT AGAIN.) Q: Did she eventually just "get used" to switching from one personality to the other? A: Yes, she was already used to it when we met. She was very, very good at suddenly "waking up" in a completely different time and place and getting her bearings without anyone knowing how confused and disoriented she was. Imagine blinking... except when you open your eyes, you're standing in a mall, it's 7pm, and you have no idea how you got there. That's what it was like for her. Q: I think you said some of her "entities" we're male, right? Did they realize they were in a woman's body? And if so how did they react? A: Two of the kids were. One was too "young" to know or care. The other was the oldest... and he kind of hilariously accepted it. He said he was a boy, but if I asked about his boobs or something, he'd look at me like Mckayla. Q: In someone with DID, how do you really tell which personality is their true personality, not just the one which is displayed most often? A: That is a really good question, and it borders on existentialism. How do you know YOU don't have multiple personalities, and how do you know the person reading this answer is your original personality? How do you know you're awake, and not in the Matrix? We discussed this frequently. For Jane, she had no memory of the time when any of the other entities were out. But she had memories dating back to childhood, so we deduced that "Jane" was the original personality and the other ones were alters. Q: So did the other entities not have any memory of the childhood? Not even the kids? Do their memories start when they started emerging? A: Pretty much. Their first memory was usually the event that caused them to manifest... or something right after it. Q: Did any personas not like you? Were any violent? A: There was one entity who didn't like me. She was basically a silent manifestation of hate. She didn't come out much, and she didn't talk for the longest time. I think "Hate" was the part of Jane who resented having to face down all these tough situations and traumas. As we started to merge entities, Hate got vocal. She threatened to hurt Jane... cut her wrists, jump off a bridge, things like that. We researched and discovered that this is actually really common for people with DID. I took the threats seriously, but didn't indulge Hate... kept an eye on her, but didn't freak out or anything. She eventually stopped coming out. Q: What if she was in a dangerous situation where she needed to snap out of it? A: I don't recall her ever being in a dangerous situation that she needed to snap out of, but she could do it if she absolutely had to. Q: Did the personas know who you were? A: The different entities all knew they had a friendly relationship with me. They knew I was a stable, safe figure. Most of them didn't think of me as "boyfriend," but they all knew I was someone important. * Q: Did any personas remain after therapy? A: One of the kids remained, and Logic remained. Those two were the "helpful" entities that helped get through to some blocked memories and other things that Jane repressed. They acted almost like scaffolding, where they became part of the therapy and would have been the last ones to go. We broke up before they went. Basically, once you identify the purpose of an entity, and you bring the person to peace with that anxiety or trauma, the entity goes away. So we knocked them out one by one. Several of them actually said "goodbye" and vanished, never to be seen again. * Q: How did hate go away? A: One day, she just wasn't there. Once we'd done enough therapy that Jane's bitterness and resentment went away, there just wasn't a need for Hate anymore. She was the last one to go, or maybe second to last. I don't remember anymore. Q: Did the kid entities ever "age"? A: Not as such, but they could be taught. One of her exes liked to teach the 5 year old to read, and she got a little better at it over time. Q: Was Jane eve able to hold a job? if so did she have episodes while on the job? you mentioned that some did not know how to drive which made me wonder how they would know how to handle themselves in a professional or semi-professional situation. A: Yes, she had several jobs. I don't think she ever went "out" at work... not that I remember, anyway. Sorry, it's been a few years. Q: did the personalities ever try to trick you when changing? A: Fay tried to trick me a couple times, but she was bad at it. The most common entities were all somewhat proficient in mimicking Jane. This is because they would come out at seemingly random times, and they didn't want to cause a commotion in public. They would all "put on" Jane's voice and try to act like her, but if you knew what you were looking for, it was still possible to tell that it wasn't her. The 9 year old girl was the best of the bunch. Q: Did the personalities know about each other? How did they respond to that? A: Yes, they were perfectly aware of each other and of Jane. They had their own interpersonal relationships... the kids all believed they were siblings and Jane was their mom. And so it goes. Also: All of the memory stuff was pretty weird. Each entity could remember 40-70% of what the other entities experienced. Jane couldn't remember any of it. Sometimes, I'd be talking to Logic, and one of the kids would pop out and go "that's NOT what I said" and then vanish. Q: How is ‘Jane’ now? A: I am regularly in contact with her, and she's doing just fine. I think all of the entities have merged, and she's completely normal and functional. Treatments for said disorders: Schizophrenia Treatment via Mayo Clinic Treatment By Mayo Clinic Staff Print Schizophrenia requires lifelong treatment, even when symptoms have subsided. Treatment with medications and psychosocial therapy can help manage the condition. In some cases, hospitalization may be needed. A psychiatrist experienced in treating schizophrenia usually guides treatment. The treatment team also may include a psychologist, social worker, psychiatric nurse and possibly a case manager to coordinate care. The full-team approach may be available in clinics with expertise in schizophrenia treatment. Medications Medications are the cornerstone of schizophrenia treatment, and antipsychotic medications are the most commonly prescribed drugs. They're thought to control symptoms by affecting the brain neurotransmitter dopamine. The goal of treatment with antipsychotic medications is to effectively manage signs and symptoms at the lowest possible dose. The psychiatrist may try different drugs, different doses or combinations over time to achieve the desired result. Other medications also may help, such as antidepressants or anti-anxiety drugs. It can take several weeks to notice an improvement in symptoms. Because medications for schizophrenia can cause serious side effects, people with schizophrenia may be reluctant to take them. Willingness to cooperate with treatment may affect drug choice. For example, someone who is resistant to taking medication consistently may need to be given injections instead of taking a pill. Ask your doctor about the benefits and side effects of any medication that's prescribed. Second-generation antipsychotics These newer, second-generation medications are generally preferred because they pose a lower risk of serious side effects than do first-generation antipsychotics. Second-generation antipsychotics include: • Aripiprazole (Abilify) • Asenapine (Saphris) • Brexpiprazole (Rexulti) • Cariprazine (Vraylar) • Clozapine (Clozaril) • Iloperidone (Fanapt) • Lurasidone (Latuda) • Olanzapine (Zyprexa) • Paliperidone (Invega) • Quetiapine (Seroquel) • Risperidone (Risperdal) • Ziprasidone (Geodon) First-generation antipsychotics These first-generation antipsychotics have frequent and potentially significant neurological side effects, including the possibility of developing a movement disorder (tardive dyskinesia) that may or may not be reversible. First-generation antipsychotics include: • Chlorpromazine • Fluphenazine • Haloperidol • Perphenazine These antipsychotics are often cheaper than second-generation antipsychotics, especially the generic versions, which can be an important consideration when long-term treatment is necessary. Psychosocial interventions Once psychosis recedes, in addition to continuing on medication, psychological and social (psychosocial) interventions are important. These may include: Individual therapy. Psychotherapy may help to normalize thought patterns. Also, learning to cope with stress and identify early warning signs of relapse can help people with schizophrenia manage their illness. Social skills training. This focuses on improving communication and social interactions and improving the ability to participate in daily activities. Family therapy. This provides support and education to families dealing with schizophrenia. Vocational rehabilitation and supported employment. This focuses on helping people with schizophrenia prepare for, find and keep jobs. Most individuals with schizophrenia require some form of daily living support. Many communities have programs to help people with schizophrenia with jobs, housing, self-help groups and crisis situations. A case manager or someone on the treatment team can help find resources. With appropriate treatment, most people with schizophrenia can manage their illness. Hospitalization During crisis periods or times of severe symptoms, hospitalization may be necessary to ensure safety, proper nutrition, adequate sleep and basic hygiene. Electroconvulsive therapy For adults with schizophrenia who do not respond to drug therapy, electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) may be considered. ECT may be helpful for someone who also has depression. DID Treatment via Mayo Clinic Treatment By Mayo Clinic Staff Print Dissociative disorders treatment may vary based on the type of disorder you have, but generally include psychotherapy and medication. Psychotherapy Psychotherapy is the primary treatment for dissociative disorders. This form of therapy, also known as talk therapy, counseling or psychosocial therapy, involves talking about your disorder and related issues with a mental health professional. Look for a therapist with advanced training or experience in working with people who have experienced trauma. Your therapist will work to help you understand the cause of your condition and to form new ways of coping with stressful circumstances. Over time, your therapist may help you talk more about the trauma you experienced, but generally only when you have the coping skills and relationship with your therapist to safely have these conversations. Medication Although there are no medications that specifically treat dissociative disorders, your doctor may prescribe antidepressants, anti-anxiety medications or antipsychotic drugs to help control the mental health symptoms associated with dissociative disorders.
  4. Lost and Alone: Tales of Elizabeth Smith

    Most of the days blurred together, honestly thinking back, everything had happened so quickly, and so much had happened in only a few weeks’ time, that she had a hard time remembering. She slept a lot of the time, Ella seemed to simply have decided she was staying in the same cot without question. It honestly was a bit strange having the young girl constantly wrapped around her. While it probably looked otherwise to anyone who didn’t know better, it wasn’t sexual. Whatever had happened during Brackett’s attack, had shaken Ella, badly. Physically the girl appeared unharmed, but mentally was a different story. She didn’t mind, if it helped her, which it appeared to. It was just something she wasn’t used to, physical touch. She’d never had a boyfriend, never cared to focus about one. The repeated and constant sensation of touch was new to her, confusing, slightly irritating to her skin. It would get better, she knew. It wasn’t hurting her, just, something different. Even awake Ella was constantly with her, only leaving to get food or use the bathroom. Sometimes she would sit and read with her hand on Beth’s hand while she slept. She was also having panic attacks again. Ella had been terrified of gunshots, but was getting better at Berezino. Now that progress had regressed. Not that it was surprising after what happened. Most of the time though, she was calm. The other face she saw constantly was Tivian. He was essentially taking care of her, constantly checking in to make sure she wasn’t hurting, needed anything, just to talk and give her something to listen to. She appreciated it, she knew it took a lot of energy to do. He was good at it though. She doubted it was the best thing for his mental health, but he was a very caring person. She just worried about him putting all of the blame on himself for things happening, when he had no control over it. She wasn’t sure how long in, a few days, a week, more? She started to be able to tolerate being on less painkillers and trying to move around. Part of it was she didn’t want her muscles to atrophy. Even being in a bed for a week could do that, she didn’t want to stay still for longer than she had to. The worst part she felt was her mouth, ribs a close second. It ached horribly, the only way she could sleep was when Tyrus gave her both the muscle relaxer and pain medication for it, which knocked her out. Her jaw was back in place, but even then, a dislocated jaw reacted the same way a broken one did in a lot of ways, healing time was the same. People didn’t seem to think about that, you can’t just snap a jaw back into place. You have to be given a good amount of muscle relaxers directly into the jaw, along with painkillers, to even start to shift it back. That meant probably tearing of muscles, and nerves. Which is why her jaw hurt so much. It took her a week to even attempt to make a chewing motion. She’d cried multiple times from how much that hurt. She had water, and thankfully nutrient IV’s. Tyrus and her were trying everything they could to keep from having to put a feeding tube in. She had never had one, but was told they were awful. Finally able to actually focus on things helped. She could start being creative. She could boil chicken with herbs and vegetables. Ella and the others could enjoy the chicken and vegetables, while she could drink the broth. She could mash apples and make a crude form of applesauce. She could boil them with some spices and make cider. Once she was able to chew a bit she got more creative. She needed calories. There was a lot of pumpkin, so she decided to roast a bunch of it. She had been sitting outside with a few cooked chunks, struggling to cut them. Ella was asleep and the place seemed near deserted. One man she had not met was in camp. Not being able to use her left arm made things extremely difficult. She tried to hold the shell with her knees and cut with her right hand. It was taking forever. “Do you need some help with that?” She was confused momentarily and then looked up, it was the man she’d seen around camp, but didn’t think she’d actually met him. She wasn’t sure of an age, maybe a bit older than her? She wanted to do it herself, but at this point she just was exhausted and wanted to cry. Giving in she sighed and nodded. “Okay. Here, let me take that for you.” He took the slice of pumpkin and pulled out a clean knife, carefully cutting it into tiny pieces and putting them in the bowl she had. She quickly used her utility fork to smash the pumpkin the best she could, then eat it. It needed a lot more to taste more appealing, but it was something. The man introduced himself as Derek Graceland, he was a tailor and trader. She quickly took a liking to him. He was very respectful and professional, even in basic talk. She had to write everything down at first, but she found out he was fluent in sign language and that made things much easier. The man was very friendly and had a kindness about him, as he has shown already. His personality made sense for him to work in the sales industry, he was a people person. She was happy for him, he was able to do what he loved, tailoring. Also an incredibly rare and resourceful profession amongst all of the chaos. If was evident he loved his work. Overall he seemed to have a quite happy view if things, given their circumstances. It made her smile a bit, it was nice meeting someone out here, who like her and a few others, just wanted to be a good person, and genuinely was one. He’d helped her cut up a good amount of pumpkin so she could mash it. He ended up having to go somewhere, but she saw him a good amount. He was also able to help her finally be able to tell people what happened, or what she remembered of it. She met NATO members and people called the Rangers, whom Riley led. They all seemed like a good group. Most of the time they were gone, off keeping an eye on the compound, which to her amusement had been named Winterfell due to the structural shape. The one issue they had was the rangers would take out gray skins in nearby areas, with unsuppressed weapons. While understandable as they were easily damaged and hard to come across, they set off Ella’s panic attacks to an extreme. Tivian had to go yell at them a few times to knock it off, or use quieter methods. She had allowed Ella to start taking a small dose of Xanax before bed. She was concerned without proper therapy that Ella could become dependent on it to keep calm, and had ensured to have a talk with her about that concern before. She had started asking for it during the day now. Somewhat grudgingly she allowed her to take an extended release one in the morning, it was still a very low dose. It did seem to significantly help though. Keeping a close eye on her she also made sure Ella came to her to get each dose so she could monitor her, she was very good about it. She seemed to understand what she was doing and be accepting of it, almost trying to help reassure her. Reed of course was around too, which made her happy. Nothing seemed to make her more content than just being cuddled up to him, while he had an arm around her. That seemed to perplex her more than anything in all honesty. She had never been interested in caring about boys, she wasn’t attracted to women. There was something different about Reed, something she couldn’t place. Like Ella the touch had been weird at first, but she was now finding herself seeking him out when she was upset, grumpy, or needed affection. She found it extremely strange. She had never had a connection with someone like that. Maggie was different. She couldn’t even understand it mostly herself. It took a lot of blind trust in someone you didn’t know to do what he had the first three days of meeting him. They had met in the CDF camp, while she was staying with Ana. Both had become very excited at learning the other had a medical background and could relate to each other. He was pharmacist technician, which was also something very valuable out here. When she had gone up north after the radio call from Anton, she had requested that Reed come as well. He had a good understanding of things she did not, and felt it could balance out rather well. She had been more confused at seeing Faith in the camp, then immediately worried. While repeatedly saying she was all right, it was incredibly obvious she wasn’t. Something was going on and she had no idea how to help. Reed had shown up not too long afterward, and they had been talking. She found herself more worried over Faiths condition and confusion about her being there. Then weird things began happening. A random visitor had come to camp, she couldn’t place how, but she was positive she knew this person. It had been driving her crazy. The man had been asking quite a few questions about the medical people in the camp. The man had left after a short bit, and a few of the men in camp at the time had come rushing back from a walk. They quickly gathered the small, maybe 5 or 6 people there. Apparently there were snipers in the woods, aiming at the camp. Seemed to be shadowing the man who had entered. They were afraid. Thinking about it, she still couldn’t place the man, but instinct told her they were not in danger. They decided to continue playing it off as though they did not notice anything was off. After a bit, another person came into camp, again familiar. He complained of an infection in his leg, she had taken him to the building to clean it up, Faith following, deciding she wanted to learn how to clean out a wound. Inside, things made sense. The visitor was Joel undercover, Casper had been the one there before. She nearly face palmed at realizing it. She was right, the snipers in the woods were not there to hurt them, they were there to provide emergency cover if something went wrong. If the VDV found out they were there, it would be very bad. Joel said something about a distress call, and that he was there to get Faith out. She wasn’t sure what was happening but she agreed, whatever was happening, she did not appear alright. The two went to talk and stayed in the medical building for a bit, poking around. She was pretty sure talk meant act like having a conversation, then run like hell. But she didn’t want to know, the more she knew the worse it would be. Going outside and realizing they indeed, were gone, another realization came to her. The UN had NOT planned this well. There were people here, innocent ones, nice people, who had nothing to do with this. People who if the VDV had left Faith with to keep an eye on, then came back to find her gone, were going to be hurt, more than likely executed. She made up a plan on the spot, something had to be done to draw attention away from the civilians. The plan could potentially work, but it was going to be extremely dangerous. Finding Reed, she explained as quickly as she could, telling him she was about to do something probably really stupid to try to help these people, and she could use his help. Or, he needed to run far away from there, now. To her surprise he opted to stay. Speaking more with him, he felt it would be too dangerous to tell anyone else about the plan, which was smart. The less anyone else knew, the safer. They had snuck outside a good distance from camp, and she had asked him to essentially pistol whip her, hard. He was not happy about it, which was obvious. While she appreciated his concern, this had to be real. VDV were trained in moderate first aid. They would KNOW if someone was faking being hurt. This had to be real. She had blacked out after he hit her, she didn’t know how long it had been, but she had woken up on the ground, crying and covered in something warm and sticky, blood. She had managed to run back into camp shouting for help, and called Anton on her radio. Reed found her first, looking horribly guilty for a second and then playing along. Faith had walked off with this person and was just outside. She had been in the medical building, and heard noises sounding like a struggle. When she went to investigate, something slammed into her head and knocked her out. She had only seen a colored armband, orange, and when she woke up, there was no sign of Faith. She prayed the story would be enough, and at first it seemed to be. The VDV all ran off, searching the surrounding area. To be honest she didn’t remember much beyond that. She remembered Reed taking her somewhere and telling her to sleep, then waking her up suddenly in the middle of the night, saying they had to go immediately. She didn’t understand anything except him pulling her, keeping her close. He told her later that she had essentially spent three days drugged on pain medication he gave her, probably for the best. Apparently the VDV had become suspicious, and upon returning began questioning the camp. When no one knew what was going on, they did beat people, Reed had his nose broken, he had said someone had nearly been beaten to death. She felt awful they were hurt, the only solace was his reassurance, that even with the suspicion, if they hadn’t done what they did, the camp probably would have all been executed. He had helped her back to her friends, to heal, obviously extremely distressed about hurting her. It sucked, but she wouldn’t take it back, they had done what they had to in order to protect people. Apparently some had grown suspicious of her, which made her wary and sad. She’d really liked the people there, she had just wanted to help them. She hoped one day they could understand that, if the truth ever got out. Since then they’d nearly been inseparable.
  5. Longer Nights?

    the problem for me is without high gamma, I literally have a black screen. where everyone else seems to be able to see just fine with their graphics
  6. had fun with @HarveyJ @Drbeans @Jade and the other man whose name I don't know and can't tag
  7. RogueSolace

    Be on in about 20 minutes, day has been crazy

  8. RogueSolace

    Prayers, energies, happy thoughts, good juju, whatever you believe in would be appreciated. Grandparents not doing so well. Trying to wind down to sleep, so please DO NOT message me on here or steam. I will update when I have more info. 

    Short version- grandfather having a serious mental screw up while grandmother driving. grandmother accidentally rear ends someone at stop sign while fixing his problem and looked away 'for a second'. Grandmother seems okay. After looking at damage, somehow did not realize grandfather was getting into car and started to pull away. He obviously fell (and has lots of problems as is). Bleeding, scraped up, shoulder hurting badly, in ER.

    Just praying...he got a major infection from a wound via car accident last time. Absolute last thing he needs is more of that, likely though due to how susceptible he is to infection. On blood thinners so likely lots of bleeding and bruising (hematoma is what caused major infection last time). He's still recovering strength to get up and down the stairs from months ago, so if his shoulder is fucked, not good at all. Also had fractured rib from first accident, so praying no broken bones/fractures/internal damage/anything big or complicated. 


  9. Lost and Alone: Tales of Elizabeth Smith

    It's like her relationship with the remaining NATO people even though she hasn't seen them. Sort of, facepalm, what is this stupid shit because it needs to stop already. She just wants all this hate and drama to stop, and go back to working together and being friends, also wanting Tivian to get better mentally as well.
  10. RogueSolace

    Always have good RP with people, but I think @Irish wins for repeatedly breaking us with laughter xD

  11. RogueSolace

    New chapter up! Short mentions to @Sylva @TiviylScratch @Mason26 @HarveyJ and @Spartan


    1. Harvey


      Time to 'Reed'.......          @Iso

    2. RogueSolace


      Lol! I see that being pulled as a pun Ic.

      "I like reading..."

      "yes, we're well aware"

      *throws book at*


      lol sorry i had to shorten the conversation we had. I know we talked more, but I can't for the life of me remember any of it. 

    3. Harvey


      *Reed starts to Reed a book about how to pull Reeds from your garden*

    4. RogueSolace


      Lol, ? Be on soon

    5. Spartan



    6. Sylva


      @RogueSolace this is some great stuff so far! I'm starting from the beginning of your story, but this is very well done.

    7. RogueSolace


      Thank you!

  12. Lost and Alone: Tales of Elizabeth Smith

    She listened and nodded, trying to think back. She remembered a few things but most things were a blur. She made a motion of writing with her hand, which Tyrus quickly understood and brought her a pad of paper and a pen. She moved carefully to not wake Ella, shifting her to the side on her own pillow. She carefully rolled to her side so she could use her right hand and arm. Ella had been her first priority, and for the moment, she appeared at least okay. It took a moment, she managed to write ‘is everyone okay?’ Tyrus read the note and nodded, “Everyone is alright. A bit shaken, but alright.” She narrowed her eyes at him. She didn’t believe that. Though she did have to give the man credit for having an excellent poker face. ‘He’s telling you no one is dead…’ she realized. ‘No one is dead, but…whatever happened, he’s not willing to tell you…not yet anyways. He wants you to rest, heal, and not worry.’ It was bad…but she knew it had to have been. She sighed, immediately regretting it as a sharp pain went through her jaw. Tyrus frowned and patted her hand. “I’m sorry, it’s a few hours still until I can give you more medicine.” She nodded. “Here though, let’s try this.” Moving around she heard various noises, not sure what he was doing. A moment later he returned to where he had been sitting, holding a cup with a straw. “Just water, sip, and don’t choke yourself.” She nodded and leaned forward, opening her lips a tiny bit to grab the straw he was holding still for her. The water in her mouth tasted sweet, the first sip always did when you were thirsty. She reluctantly followed his instructions, taking small sips until her head started swimming. Pulling away she put her head back down on the pillow. Tyrus smiled at her with a fond expression, then became serious again. “Do you remember what happened?” She tried to think, then concentrated on writing on the pad. “Armbands, think black.” She could have sworn she had seen black armbands. Her head felt fuzzy and she paused, then put her head back down. Everything felt fuzzy and heavy. “I figured that much.” His voice was bitter, then he sighed. In a lighter tone, “I’ll be right back, there has been someone who has been very worried about you. I think they’d probably like to know you’re awake.” She nodded as his footsteps left the tent. The footsteps echoed outside, wherever they were, then she heard low voices. She felt movement, and looked over to see Ella shift a little in her sleep. She frowned looking distressed in her dream, then her right hand moved, feeling around, patting her hip, then wrapped around Beth’s lower stomach, holding her tightly. Just as quickly she relaxed and looked peaceful again. Anyone who didn’t know better probably would have thought something weird was going on. She understood though. Ella’s family had died in the civil war here. Whatever she had seen, traumatized her to where she couldn’t talk. She didn’t know what, but knew it had to be bad. In the short time they had together, she had become Ella’s older sister/mother figure. Even only being a 6 year difference. Ella had nightmares, she could only guess of what. They had been getting better, she knew Ella’s dreams were horrible. She wasn’t quite sure what happened, but she knew Ella must have felt like she nearly lost her as well. Thus the clinging. It was a physical reinforcement that she was really there. She hadn’t slipped from her hands, falling away and becoming another ghost in a dream, a haunted memory of those lost whom you could never hold again. From the loss that already happened, she needed to know Beth was there. She needed to be able to hold her, touch her, reinforce somehow she was real, she was next to her, alive, warm, even in her sleep. The thought made her sad. Hearing the curtain she looked back to the door, a red figure walked in and paused. Reed had an anxious and worried expression. Looking her over it changed to relief. Sighing deeply, he walked over and sat next to her. She couldn’t help but smile at him, happy he was there. He smiled a tiny bit back, just watching her with a more upset expression. Remembering the pen in her hand she managed to write, “I’m sorry I scared you.” He read it and shook his head. “Not your fault. I’m just glad you’re okay. I, I didn’t know when I found you…if…if you were going to make it or not.” She saw the pain in his eyes and frowned, leaning her hand out, she tried to put it against his face, trying to rub his cheek. She ended up more colliding with it in slow motion. It reminded her of a young child trying to pet a dog and smacking it on the head. Fucking medication. Reed burst out laughing. He watched her with a smile as she frowned and gently patted his cheek again, giving up and putting her hand down. He chuckled harder and watched her. “What was that?” She rolled her eyes at him. Everything felt so heavy, even her eyelids. She frowned and looked up at Reed, his expression was patient, relieved. He smiled and squeezed her hand gently. “You we’re smart to turn that lantern on. Somehow, we heard something coming through your radio, talking about behind the hospital. I got over there and saw the light, went running. Tivian was running Dr. Mason here, they were waiting for you. Tivian then got Ella and brought her here. She’s been attached to you like glue since.” She smiled a bit, blinking as her vision blurred. “You need to rest. Get some sleep, okay?” She frowned wanting to protest. “I’ll be right outside, I’m not going anywhere, I promise.” She frowned and nodded, even doing that took effort. He got up and squeezed her hand. “Get some sleep.” She didn’t want to, but the strange weight pulled her down into darkness. Time went in and out, sleep, pain, awake. No idea to tell anything, she couldn’t even care to try. She just wanted to sleep. A movement woke her up. She felt arms wrapping around her shoulders and under her legs, lifting her from the bed. She growled in protest, wanting to be left alone. “I know, I know.” Tivian’s voice responded, sounding both sad and slightly amused. “I’m just taking you somewhere to get warm. It’s cold in here, I want you to warm up.” Not like she had much of a choice in the matter. Tivian was as gentle as he could be with her, carrying her bundled up in a blanket…somewhere. Was she cold? She couldn’t tell, everything just felt, empty, like she was floating. The only reason she knew she wasn’t was feeling Tivian’s arms around her. A light was on her face suddenly, along with a cool breeze. Opening her eyes she realized they were outside, somewhere. She hadn’t actually been aware of what was outside the tent, only some kind of building that kept the rain out, but wasn’t very warm. Thankfully the tent held heat pretty well. Metal beams and a large yard, with tents. She felt confused for a moment at what she was looking at, then Tivian turned. Metal beams turned to concrete. Looking around and up she recognized a construction site of some kind. Why the hell were they at a construction site? That didn’t make much sense in terms of keeping safe and hidden. She felt herself turned again and gently lowered onto the ground, the blanket being unwound from around her and laid out on the concrete floor under her. She realized why quickly, the heat of a fire washed over her, along with the smell of burning wood. It felt good. --- She woke up feeling something right in front of her, the fire was still burning and she was nice and warm. Eyes peered directly into hers, a face lying maybe an inch or two away from hers, just watching with a look of fear and concern. She tried to smile a bit and reached her hand out, rubbing Ella’s hair gently, trying to sooth her. The girls’ facial expression didn’t change. Pulling her hand back, she managed to sign ‘I’m okay.’ Ella shook her head fiercely and signed back in ASL. “No, you’re not alright!” She sighed, trying to keep her eyes open. Continuing the conversation via sign language. “I’m…. will be okay.” Ella frowned. “Just… medicine, help hurt. Make sleep lot. Give few days, be better. Promise.” Ella still didn’t look quite convinced, looking more worried. “Are you okay?” Ella frowned and angrily signed back, “Not worry about me! You one hurt!” Ella teared up slightly, signing, “I thought I lost you!” “I’m so sorry. I promise, healing. Getting better.” All she could do was frown apologetically. Ella pouted and lay back down, moving to be against her. She rested her head against Beth’s chest and wrapped her arms around her lower waist, careful to avoid her ribs. Using her right hand she wrapped it around Ella, holding her close. She ran her fingers through her hair in a soothing motion. Ella eventually calmed and cuddled against her. The world faded away again. ------- Voices. She opened her eyes, Ella was still cuddled against her. She could have sworn she heard something…. Glancing up she saw a man sitting a few feet away by the fire. He was watching Ella and her with a somewhat guilty, sad and horrified expression. She knew him…sort of. She remembered his face from Berezino…Riley was it? Sylvas? Ranger. He was a ranger…actually, if she was thinking straight he was the leader of the rangers. He looked about her age. Yes, he’d…. he’d found and brought Reed and her half a bottle of Prussian Blue when they had asked him to keep his eyes open for some of the radioactive treatment drugs. She wondered if it was still in her bag where she had put it. “Can’t believe some fucks just go and attack a hospital with a young lady doctor and a bunch of injured people being the only one’s there. Then beat them near to death, they were already hurt. Bunch of fucking cowards.” He shook his head, watching her with the same sad expression. Tivian’s voice responded somewhere behind her, she couldn’t make out what he said. The man shook his head and sighed, looking angry. She wanted to listen, but she couldn’t keep her eyes open, finding herself falling into darkness again.
  13. Something Wicked (Halloween Event - Open Freq.)

    *Elizabeth yawns, lying in bed, bundled up in pajamas and warm blankets at the cold of the early morning. She would listen to the radio, watching Reed with a worried expression, leaning over and folding his half of the warm blankets back over him with a cute, fussy expression. Smiling at his amused expression in reaction, she chuckles, then frowns and shivers at thinking of the last murder they had met. rolling over she grabs her own radio, then rolls again to lay on her back again, and transmits* "Is whatever the man said, is all of that inscribed into the skin? Or did he just start talking? You said the muscle has extremely clean cuts and is washed? Take a step back and look at it, please, tell me if the cuts form any sort of pattern on the body. Or they are laid out in a pattern of some kind? I'm assuming they gutted them? I doubt an investigation will happen, considering the current state of things. Are there any signs of candle wax, incense, or any weird objects lying around that are out of place? I agree with the other women, put the body in a bag or sheet, and the get the fuck out of there. Be careful, don't expect to just run into some crazy person. If this is truly a sociopath or psychopath of some kind, especially involving a cult, its extremely unlikely they're going to be what you think. Not like a deranged person from a film, they're going to be nice, charming, possibly helpful. Someone you think is harmless or wouldn't hurt you, its how they get close enough to strike. They could even act like they're on your side until they have the moment they need. Any details on what you're looking at would be appreciated. 'Today is the end. One way to stop it. Blood must spill. Six remain. Six remain. Six remain. Six remain. Six remain. Six remain. The remaining--' is that...what was carved on the skin? 666, 666. Reference to the devil or anti-christ. Six remain, six remain to kill, or to survive? Its also 666 twice, it could mean a multitude of things and I'm not that great at random math unless its specific equations. I'm guessing more of the message will be appearing on the next victim. Whatever it is, it sounds like a cult. I highly, agree with the woman who spoke before me. Get out of there and don't go back. I would also encourage others to stay away.' *she ends the transmission, shuddering again and glancing at Reed. Shaking her head she puts the radio down and moves over to put her head on his chest and an arm around him*
  14. RogueSolace

    So out of curiosity... any plans on dealing with the BS the server has been giving us for the past few weeks and especially days? I understand it's the server side and not anyone here's fault. Also  if Rolle is paying for it, then the people being paid need to do something about it.


    1. TiviylScratch


      I really could not agree more

    2. RogueSolace


      I mean there are a ton of contributing factors I'm sure. So, not trying to point fingers or bitch at anyone as it's not their fault. Also most places are closed on the weekend. Just curious about if there is a plan in place or not.

    3. Saints


      He kept on stating this server has "Advanced DDOS protection" ..... Looks worse imo.

    4. RogueSolace


      I mean for all we know someone found a way to hack around it

    5. Saints


      Whats the point then lol

    6. RogueSolace


      I don't know, I'm just saying, I'm curious with all that's going on if he has a plan for how to handle it or should we be expecting a ton of bs for awhile.

    7. Ramon


      I can tell you already that not only Gaming Deluxe is getting DDOS'ed. So switching to another provider will maybe not even help.

    8. Red


      I guess we have to ride this out for now.

    9. Karma


      Most server hosts can only do so much when it comes to a DDOS, the only real option is wait it out, eventually the asshats get bored and give up.