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duxpredator

Sauce's Journal

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Here is a link of a google doc containing everything if you would rather read it that way.

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Day 1: Alone for the first time

All alone. I have never been alone. I’ve had family, brothers, and even hutch there for me. But here I am on the coast looking as far as I can see. Maybe hoping for some miracle to get me back home. I miss my Dad, my Mom, and my Brother. I miss home. But here I am writing in this stupid notebook that I found for someone I cared way too much about. Someone I shouldn’t have cared about. I put a lot of me into this girl and all I get is a radio message goodbye.

Here I am, eating these fucking expired peaches and this shitty Chernorussian soft drink. I really don’t know what I’m doing here anymore. There is nothing left for me here. I have no friends left. Nobody to go to. Hutch says he is coming back in a week, but I really don’t think so. Russia is a fucking dangerous place. I really wish I never went on that mission to Moscow which ended up crashing here. This fucking country. This god damn forsaken country.

I started my day waking up to where I last talked to Katie, devils castle. We spent the night together and it was lovely. As it always was. I don’t know. I could always just be myself near her and she always brought the best out of me. I knew she was leaving today but I thought I would see her again. That’s the end of this sad day however.

Today I first traveled west looting Grashino, NWAF, Lopotino, Vivilovo and just grabbing things for her and anything I needed. The whole day I was thinking of how it would go constantly running through different scenarios. What I would say, do, what might happen. But…Once I got to Lopotino castle, not too late in the night and usually when we check up on each other, she radio messages me telling me she already left. A knife to the heart. I ripped out all the notes I wrote her in the journal. I don’t know. Fuck me right. So I just ran south. And kept on running. I couldn’t get her out of my head. I just ran and ran.

Well I’m here now. Its beautiful and peaceful. I’ve always loved the water, the sea. It reminds me of home a little. Anyway, the suns getting low. I never thought I could feel this bad and I never thought I’d be writing in a journal but Here I am. Here I am halfway across the world from home. Here I am all alone.
 

Not ten minutes later she radios me again. I can’t do this. I didn’t respond. I’m not going to respond. Ive trusted four people completely in this world and two of them have made me more broken than I already was and arnt in my life anymore. Nobody knows how broken and hurting I actually am. Its just me.

I can barely see what I’m writing now so I guess Im done writing in this stupid journal. Still all alone.

 

 

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Edited by duxpredator

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Day2: I want to be Alone

I am alone. I just talk into this journal. It helps pass the time and I think I enjoy it. Remembering how to draw has also been interesting. Everything is so simple on the western coast, similar to when I first met hutch except it was a little louder, he loves to talk. Its crazy all the different things you hear in nature when there is nothing else around or nobody else to worry about or no event you need to go to distracting you. You hear every wave crashing on the shore, the different chirps of each bird, the wind blowing in the trees, the occasional buzz of a flying critter. Its peaceful. I used to do this in Baton Rouge but you would always hear planes soaring or boats blaring or cars honking. Not here, its just nothing not even a gunshot down South East Chernarus. Ive been able to think clearly here. Ive done a lot of thinking and I think I’m enjoying it for the time being.

Of course Ive been thinking about her. How could I not. And I did respond back to her even though I said I wouldn’t. I told her how I really felt about her leaving and how alone I felt yesterday which I still do. It was eating me up and I just couldnt say nothing. Over the radio in her soft and calming voice she said “I’m always right there with you.” And that really hit me. She is right. I cant stop thinking about her. Again she said she is coming back but I just don’t believe her. She is saying it to cheer me up but its been done, she left, and I cant change the past. I feel like I meant something to her but I just don’t know what or why. She has been with vlad for god knows how long and doing god knows what. I bet she got tired of me telling her almost every day that vlad injected me with comfort or vlad bashed my head in or vlad did this to that person. I really don’t understand it but all I can do is hope. I didn’t choose my feelings for her. She took them from me and I have no control over it. I still care for her but I don’t know if I could see her face to face again.

Anyway, Ive accepted everything that’s happened for now at least till hutch radios me back. Ive been on a long journey with that man. It started with hearing hutch’s voice over the radio and shortly after meeting him in Berezino. It seemed so simple back then. I recognized his accent and kind of felt a sense of hope and home when I heard his voice. This was probably six hours after I crash landed so I didn’t have anywhere else to go but it was probably the best thing to ever happen to me. We bonded from the start and I haven’t left his back since. I don’t really know why he left for Russia with Grace but I’ll never leave his back. They just got engaged so I imagine they want time together and I’m happy for him. I love to give him hell about him and Grace but he knows its just for fun. We have been through hell and back. We have been jumped by bandits only a day after I met him, I helped boost him into camp Hope so he could sniff some panties, joined Mac Tire and almost got killed a few times there, visited Eden where I slowly learned and developed feelings for her, shitting in the dead batteries base, running across the country with Ellie and her crew, cutting a tree on him by accident, the list goes on and on. I truly wouldn’t have made it without this man. He has been there every day until today. I imagined if I tried to radio him he would respond though. He is good like that. He has no idea she has even left the country or how she left me. I don’t think I have the strength to even tell him. I hope he is happy. I’m glad he is happy… I’ll radio him in a couple days if he doesn’t radio me first.

In the meantime, I’ll be alone, it’s not too bad. I found hutch’s favorite chips on a crashed boat. They arnt too bad but Id prefer some fresh fries myself. I also got rid of the hat she gave me a while back. Ive been wearing my helmet I was issued way back when. I thought it would help me remember better times but I can’t clear my thoughts. This is why I draw and type into this book. I used to love drawing when I was a kid and even up through high school. I used my lamp on my helmet for light and spent the night drawing her. She loved the night and the moon. Personally, I just couldn’t sleep. I think Ill draw the coast today and reminisce on my past. Tomorrow I might move but today Im fine here alone. Next to the sea.

*You would see a picture of a baren beach, the sketch is rough but it gets the point across*

The beaches here are similar to the ones at the base of the boot, Louisiana. The sand is rough and full of rocks. You are better off wearing shoes haha. There are a lot of wrecked boats on the shore. I found hutches chips and even a unopened bottle of vodka. She would hate to see me drink. To be honest I don’t even want to. Ive only been drunk a few times since Ive been here in Chernarus and every time I get to hear how ugly and awful I am. Its going to help build my fire tonight. Nothing like a fire and vodka on the beach, we will see if they are better together. Another can of these fucking peaches as well. Im gonna have to go hunting tomorrow…

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Edited by duxpredator

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Day 3: Finally, a Familiar Face

Today was good. Yesterday, just before sundown, I was able to find and kill a buck. Damn thing was huge. I had so much food I had to start giving away some to a couple people I ran across. Today I ran across a big base in kamenka and an old man there looking to trade. He said he knew some of the people there but didn’t give me any names or what they do. I first found the base half built the day before and today it was a fortress. So, probably people I don’t want to stick around. Shortly after that I decided to move north. The past couple days I didn’t see any sign of hope or any reasonable way to get off Chernarus. Instead I would have to go west to leave Chernarus, and I’ve heard I would be traveling for months heading in that direction. So, I traveled north. I mainly traveled through forests and stayed away from roads and somehow ended up at grandma’s house funny enough. A small house just south of Stary all on its own. ……. I’m sighing just remembering the nights I spent there. It was our favorite spot to hang out and just talk. She met me there a few times to just hand out. The last time we were there we played Truth or Truth with Ellie and Robbie and what a night that was.

*You would see a sketch of a house and a shed sitting just next to a road*

After I arrived I just sat there on the little shed. We used to sit there on that shed and talk for hours. When I was there today time kept on passing by almost like it was in two times speed. I couldn’t move. I wasn’t thinking of anything but just staring into the blue. Kind of in a trance. I don’t know. I guess its really been getting to me that…that’s it. It will never happen again. I will never sit there on the shed and just talk. Those nights were some of the best I spent in Chernarus and I can’t get those memories out my head. I wish I would have made a move and held her hand or something. I’m just too sensitive and nervous. I kept on waiting and waiting hoping and hoping to just end up here. Hurt and alone. I don’t think I will be coming back here as it hurts too much. I’ve thought about going to Alter Radio to try to get a transmission to her, but I don’t know what she thinks about me anymore. She did mention I could probably reach her by linking my radio up with alter radio. Our relationship was confusing before and there is no telling now since I told her exactly how I felt with her leaving. I imagine she hates my guts. I just don’t know if I could compose myself and I don’t know if I would end up being hurt again.

I can’t keep on going on over this ‘cause I actually was happy today. After I finally left grandma’s after mid-day I ran to Novy to grab some water. There I ran into a girl all alone, Charlie. She didn’t say she was with anyone and she said she didn’t have any friends, so I helped her out as much as I could by giving her food. Surprisingly, she responded with asking for my radio since I told her I was going to Zelen. I just met her, so it seemed like an odd request; however, she was by herself and needed information about what was going on in Zelen. I told her I would report on what I found in Zelen since shortly before this I heard a voice similar to Teddies on the radio and he was stuck in Green mountain near Zelen. Fuck, it must have been two weeks since I last saw him and that same day the dead batteries raided his base and murdered its people. Only Teddy and a few others lived. That day he said we would talk soon and well I guess today is soon. Funny enough I found him in a public frequency just talking to himself. Apparently, he forgot to turn the radio off! Haha. I was just testing the public frequencies to see what I could hear and there he was. So, I met him near Green Mountain where he somehow got himself tree’d in a house running from infected like a damn coon by a dog. Oh man. I missed this guy. The first few words he said cheered me up instantly. We ran together the rest of the night running to a nearby town and eventually Zelen to look for supplies. He was still the same with his jokes and shenanigans and all. Today I realized the kid really means a lot to me. He accepts me for who I am, flaws and all, and doesn’t judge me for it. I met him a while back in Camp Hope and he has also been through hell and back. I’m glad he is still himself and hasn’t changed a bit. I really don’t know how he does it. When I look back on my past and how I got here I can’t help myself to feel resentment and sadness; like I left things on the table. However, his charisma and direction are wearing off on me though. I felt a lot better once I got to see him again. Hopefully he won’t disappear soon ‘cause I really enjoy the company and companionship. We ended up splitting off after Zelen. He needed some ammo for his rifle and I was tired from my hike up here. Ill be radioing him tomorrow. Hutch too…

  

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Day 4 and 5

After I met Teddy the day before I radio’d him today and surprisingly he was still around. We grouped up and ran together the whole day. We traveled north to Novaya P-something. Teddy would kill me if he knew I still can’t pronounce the second part of that city even though he has told me a dozen times. We were looking for Dean’s camp to do some trading but apparently, they were raided and had to evacuate. It’s a shame too because he was building a huge community center. Next, we ran to Devils Castle to the other settlement I knew about, and we were able to trade with Ryan a bit and we ended up getting a gun for teddy, some ammo, and a place to stay if we wanted it. It didn’t come easy as we had to trade quite a few guns that we found at a hidden camp along the way. But we did it. We found a place to stay.

The next day we ran together again but this time another old friend came along. Arthur. He was with us during the Mac Tire days, so we go way back. The reason I haven’t seen him in a while is because he betrayed Hutch’s trust, so I just tried to keep my distance for hutch, but since hutch isn’t here we got the ‘gang’ together. We did a loot run in Severograd and I was harassed constantly by Teddy for not knowing the Lord of the Rings and for calling admiral Akbar general. Haha. Teddy is a fucking nerd. We ran into a girl, Melody, and Teddy instantly asked her if she thought Lando’s trap or the trap with Akbar was better. Oh my god… What am I gonna do with him. He really seems to be settling down and loosening up now. He is quite the handful. He also wanted to box me, so I eventually caved after constant harassment and taught him a lesson or two about it. Learned most of my hand to hand combat losing to Dominik twice. Anyway, Melody and that crazy girl Charlie that wanted my radio are friends and she eventually showed up in Severograd with us. They are quite the pair. They sure were interested in everyone and weren’t shy to get involved or speak and they even tagged along.

We all went to camp Montgomery but were shoed away, so we decided to go to Ryan’s camp for the night. We all sat around the fire and told some stories and asked various questions. It was like camp hope, no worries in the world. Charlie eventually brought up the ‘so do you guys have someone’ or something like that, and then I came back to reality. Thankfully Nate answered so I didn’t have to. I’m not ready to talk about it with other people. I radio’d hutch the other day and could barely say anything about it. I’ll just keep it inside till it kills me. I had to leave the conversation, it was getting rough for me… It was here. It was at this camp the last time I saw her. The last time I spoke to her in person. I went to the spot where we last talked and just stared across the country side you can even see a few cities over the trees. It was getting dark, so I started sketching the wall. I wanted to remember that moment which is kind of the reason I’m writing in this journal. After I finished that everyone already went to sleep but the two girls and a couple others. I didn’t stay up much later and eventually went to bed when some guy started singing outside the walls.

*You would see a pencil sketch of a old and rustic castle wall*

 

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Day 6 and 7

Today I ran into Arthur again and we ran together for the day. We didn’t do much but merely just hung around Ryan’s and the ‘Pup’s’ camp. Haha. Not many people were at Ryans but just Jordan, so we decided to go to their neighbors the wolf pack or better known as the Pups. We found a car fully intact on the way and started driving down a hill and all of a sudden the car came to an abrupt stop like the e-brake was used and the engine blew. The car must have been twenty or more years old. It might have been one of Ryan’s cars so we bailed out of there and We went over to the Pups camp. We stayed for a bit until they ran off to go look for one of their own who was injured. We soon left to go look for a car we found the day before to replace the one we broke. It was east of Severograd, so we started heading that way and ended up finding the pups and their injured guy who was Chains in the school just to the east of Severo. I tried to help them with the little medical knowledge I picked up over the years but thankfully that girl chains was hanging out with a few days ago came and helped him. I don’t know if she was in the place to be workin on him as they were kissing the last time I saw them. They eventually moved him to their camp via a car. After they left, we went looking for that car from yesterday but couldn’t find it, so we decided to go back to the pup’s camp and check on chains. He was in bad condition but was recovering, it seemed the worst has past. We then said our goodbyes and went to sleep.

The next day. Today I was by myself for most of the day. Not a bad day to relax and just be in my mind. I went looking for supplies but didn’t find much. I found a couple cars, but they were so old they broke while I was driving them. There is something about these Cherno-Russian cars… One’s breaks didn’t work and the other got a flat tire while I was running it over a fallen tree. I wanted to give them to Ryan since they somehow lost their last one. I walked the rest and actually ran into Ryan on the way back. I wasn’t busy with anything, so I tagged along with them to find Nate. He is terminally sick with something and needs medical attention quick. Its sad cause I met Nate on my first day here in Chernarus. I was with hutch and he promised shelter if I ever met him. We went to that Montgomery camp for help and again didn’t let us in and the doctor was away. We all went back to Ryans but Matt kicked me out as I wasn’t a ‘watch’ member. The things I do for these people. Something was about to throw down and they wanted me out. So, I walked through the trees for a few hours. I was just thinking of her. Its been seven days now. Is she okay? What is she up to? I also thought about hutch as he should be coming back within the next couple days. I eventually went back to Ryan’s camp but only Shane was there, so I waited outside to talk to Ryan. Eventually Elijah, Chris, and Melody showed up as I was just standing on the wall near the entrance. This was the wall where we watched the moon and talked. That night we stayed up almost that whole night and even watched the sun start to rise before we both went to sleep not knowing it would be the last time I saw her. I woke up all alone that day…Anyway it was good to see Elijah. I see a lot of her in him, how feisty he is and adamant and stubborn in his ways. He seems to be doing good and happy. I guess with her leaving it didn’t hurt him or maybe it did, and he just can contain it really well. We all sat by the camp fire and talked. I try not to talk as much. She was always good at getting me involved and getting me out of my comfort zone. Melody even noticed how quiet I was and asked why. I told her that’s just how I am. There wasn’t Teddy or someone to encourage me to sit with everyone else, so I just keep to myself and I had things on my mind. This is how I’ve always been. I told them a little bit of what happened, and they were saying shit like to let the past go and to just talk about it. Well the past is all I have right now at least till hutch comes back that might change. I started pacing and flipping through the pages in my journal. I was upset. I couldn’t get her out of my head. I moved even further away now and just stared into my journal. I eventually just had to go over to the place we watched the sunrise. I just wanted to…I just wanted to feel happy. I thought watching the sunrise like we did would at least help. It didn’t. I stayed for the whole sunrise, but I just felt awful. Its unexplainable the pain I was in like a part of me was gone…

I’m going to Altar Radio tomorrow.

*You would see an Oil painting of a sunrise on the top of the wall of the castle that was in the previous drawing*

I’ve found enough Oil paint and thinner for one painting since I first started this journal. It bled through a few pages, but It was worth it. Pencil can’t do a sunrise its justice.

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