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Azu

Steven's Journal

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The following posts are written in this rough, brown journal.

It is kept on his person at all times. It is unused, however the pages show some sign of wear.

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Posted (edited)

I... I need to write. Something has happened to me, and I can't identify what happened. I need to get all of my thoughts out and release all of this built up emotion and then forget about everything from that point on. These past few days have been... hectic to say the least.

I'll start off with the early stuff that has happened earlier this week. This girl called Emily came to me, and we were both strangers to each other at the time. I don't know why, but... I felt the urge to help her. She was injured. Bad. I did what I could and I considered getting a doctor, but I couldn't bring myself to ask for one. I fed her, gave her a spare change of clothes and a gun to defend herself. When she fell asleep, I left for some medical supplies - and I got what I asked for. On my way back though... I was held up. I got shot twice, one in my hand, once in my hip. Now I didn't even know that I got shot in my hip, until I fell unconscious - in front of her - at the loss of blood and really felt the pain when I didn't feel any more adrenaline in my system. I guess she repaid the favour, patched me up and I recovered. We're just two friendly strangers I guess.

Onto the more important bit.

A few days ago, I learnt that Emma, the woman I loved, died. I just sat there. Crying. For hours and hours. But... that's not the worst part. Something in me changed. I felt her inside of me, and my mind was being taken over, I had the need to hurt somebody. Now, never in a million years would I think that I would hurt Maya of all people. She's too innocent. But she tipped me over the edge. I lost control. I felt demons in my head. It resulted in me hurting myself, but worst of all, I hurt her. I carved something into her and I think she injected me. Fair enough, it's understandable. I can't keep my mind like this, but without Emma, I don't think anything matters anymore.

I'm at a breaking point. I've got two sides of me, and I don't know which is which... but for now, I wanna make sure I'm staying on the side of Steven, and not this other part of me... which I guess I'll call Daniel. I need to get back to Emily, tell her about this and warn her. Most importantly, I need to apologize to Maya, and I can only beg for her forgiveness. But other than that. I'm fucked.

Mentioned 

Emma / Maya - @CocoMii

Emily - @Brayces

Edited by Firemoiselle

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I met Laska again today, which I knew somewhat about because her idiot ex-husband decided to reveal some information over the radio - for everyone to hear. I think it'll be nice to get to know her better, alone. Away from Maxim - because last I met him, he was a bit hostile towards me. I'll let that slide though. Let's see... me and her pretty much just had a really nice talk. I got to know her better, vice versa. I think she helped rob Dead Horse, since she asked me what some of the beef between Mac Tire and GenZ Viridian is all about. Don't really care that she did. I never knew them before that, and I never met her when I was in Mac Tire either. God I hate those idiots for wasting my time. And that they announced their allegiance to Chedaki over the damn radio. I could tell that she didn't like me knowing that much about her when I only met her once before. I don't feel like getting into them, but I'll just announce my allegiance to Kamenici before Viridian. They think that they can be immunized from all the stuff they've done before simply by rebranding. It's so dumb... but whatever. I don't plan to meet them any time soon.

She actually helped me improve my Chernarussian a small bit, we ended up having a conversation in it - stuff like that. 

I think Daniel almost came out when we got onto the topic of... her. Thankfully I didn't have to inject myself and I asked her to stop.

I reckon she's someone I can trust over time, and once I get to know her more.

Mentioned

@Franny - Laska

Edited by Firemoiselle

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The page has some blood on it, along with a few dried up tears.

It's been a while. For the past week or so, I spent most of my time with Emily. I finally took the bullet out of her, had nice chats and I enjoyed seeing her again. She should be good to move soon, and I gave her enough equipment so she can protect herself, but I don't know if she knows how to use it. If I see her again soon - then I'll see and if she doesn't - I'll teach her.

But... when I left her, it wasn't long before I broke down and had an episode. I.. I hurt myself. Cut myself, knife and nails. I did what I could, but I couldn't go back to Emily - I can't let her know about my other side. Never.

I bandaged myself up and I just left, and I walked to Berezino, where I found Nikolai, Ellie and Jaro two days after I left - and I told them what happened to me. Nikolai bandaged me up - and the other two watched. Later that day, I saw Hutch and Sauce. It's... it's been a while since I've seen them since Mac Tire, but it was nice seeing them - especially their joyful attitudes. I wish I had someone to have that kind of bond with. I guess, right now - it's just Emily.

 

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