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Xehara

Conceived Notions: Constance

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The following thoughts are scribbled onto a black journal that resides on her person.
The pages are worn and the spine shows evidence of the journal being rolled up at various stages. 

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This journal is readable if you manage to get it off her person, either by force or when she is sleeping.
(Please notify me OOC if you read it when she isn't aware.)

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Your writing is beautiful! Your journal entries are very, very well written... But still sound as if it's coming directly from the character! Nicely done! 🙂

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I'm not leaving you, but I can't say the connection is fully severed. It's a process I suppose. He stole all the kind words, wrapped them up in a neat little box, and gifted them to me with such sincerity. Now they feel like echoes being broadcast from different lips causing their meaning to be muted in the cloud of doubt and caution. He pulled me aside in the field, uttered apologies that made me want to cry. It was as though he retrieved his sins from my very mind and went down checking each one off, assuring he told me exactly what his apology was for. There was no posting blame for my own pain upon me, just an admittance of his failure and an attempt to mend the distance he placed between us. 

I went back. I pulled him into the barn and I tended to his wounds. I couldn't help myself. I want to say I'd do it for anyone, that it was the right thing to do, but I promised not to lie to you. I did it because it was him, and I didn't want him to die. Just like I told Kase to hide, that he was there. I didn't want him to die either. He's leaving for Russia and he's taking others with him. I pray to whatever god or goddess that might be out there, that the distance will help me move on.

I was starting to feel like me again.

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😔 The journal of a faithful butterfly, forced to take on the visage of a moth! Nothing ventured nothing gained, that's what I tell myself.... stay golden Contance Devoe!!

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This is going to hurt, maim, kill... 

Family. We've all been searching and here we've found it - in this room of battered bodies and wounded souls. How long has it been since someone truly hugged you? How many times have you needed such a simple affection and gone without? I'll live another day whether I can walk or not, just to spend a lifetime making it up to you. You're amazing, beautiful, and loved. Stop running into the woods to escape, escape is here with your family. Let us lift you up and carry you when you're too weak. Let us empower you to grow and blossom into a version of yourself you'd be proud of. If I am supposed to give up the pain then so are you. 

You don't have to be my shield. I've built enough walls up, I don't need you to try and build them around me too. You're my rock, and no one can take that from you. You're one of the most caring people I know, always making the best of a shitty situation and finding a reason to smile and laugh. You don't need your mask or your bear... But it's okay if you want them anyways. I won't make you give them up if they comfort you.

Full circle? You finally got to be the one outside of the walls with a gun in hand, and I lost the pot with as much grace as you did. I'm not mad and I don't blame you. You did what you had to, and you didn't get hurt. Thank you. I miss you, how close we use to be, the time we spent together. Is that on me? Is that on you? Is it just the natural progression of things? I need to see more of you. 

I'm all in. I love you. All of you.

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Time stopped and set the world on fire and there I stood, spitting to put it all out. I feel your pain in every inch of my spine, in the creaking of my knee. I see it written on his guilty face, uttered in excuses on another's lips. What a mess we make. If you could think back to the exact moment that set this chain in motion, what would it be? Maybe it was a fire and moonlight for me, maybe it was finding Alkis at the gate of the 52. Maybe it all began on a rock outside of Eden, or a throwaway kiss in a pub near Myshkino. I guess it was way before all of that. For me, it was an S on my shoulder, from a man I would've loved had he got to me before Elliot. That's where my path branched off the first time. The crossroads where I held a choice and I chose Elliot. For better or worse, that's the moment that lead me here. He said I wasn't a killer, and with every life stolen since - I think back to those words. 

I'm smarter than I look, and I'm loyal to a fault. Even despite myself.

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There's so much you failed to know about me. You overlooked who mattered, who burrowed themselves so deeply into my soul that their will became my own. You already began molding me into someone I wasn't back in Stary, at a house near a pond, with a shotgun and a heavy hand pushing me forward. There's no going back now. I think I died a bit when I pulled that trigger. All I could hear from that point forward was Elliot whispering, "Survive, baby girl," in my ear. He used to carve lines in his arm, one mark for every person who had wronged him and his family. Each one eventually met their punishment - or their end. I think I've begun a tally all my own. We all have our limits, our switch, a point where we stop being ourselves and start relying on the beast within to keep us alive. Some you see coming from a mile away. Viktor wore his rage as his armor. I hide mine away, surveying those who anger me with smiles and goodwill until it's time to make that move. The switch use to be hard to find, hidden away deep down and only unleashed at unideal moments. I'd fight back against my husband and be struck down, or even before when I was fighting to maintain my spot in an alleyway from other downtrodden and aimless wanderers. Now it's more of a struggle to find my calm. I told you you'd make me into someone you wouldn't recognize. Did you really think I'd shoot her? Knowing how much it would hurt him? Did you really think I'd let myself be the one at the end of your next lover's barrel as you told them to shoot me? Trust no one. 

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Starved, in belly and heart, but you sought to have me sated. I am a sinner, but you've absolved me of my wrongs. Broken, battered, used and discarded, but you've stolen me from the burn pile and offered me life. The world is put on pause when I pass through this temporary threshold and into your arms. I've never felt this and I have doubt that I am deserving. We've torn each other apart, just to fall into one another and put the pieces back together. I've not yet retrieved the whole of my heart from the clutches of the one before, you still wear promises in your heart for the one before me. This isn't perfect, but maybe that's why it's working. Secrets always get found out eventually, and I'm sure this front we've put up of denial is cracking, but for just a little while longer - let it be just you, me, and this river. 

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I'll give you everything until there's nothing left. I'll feed you with everything you've been missing and you'll feast because you're just as starved as I am. I'll be the stepping stone or the rebound, knowing how temporary it all is. Not because that's what I want but just because that's how it is. We'll preemptively call it my fault, it's simpler that way. There are signs there, things I've observed, lies you've told yourself. I'm strong, I can take it. I can shoulder the burdens and the pain so you can be whole. We all have our roles to play and I'm beginning to accept mine. There never was a happy ending, but I'll pretend as long as you let me.

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It was a failure even I hated myself for. I didn't blame him for the lashings I got after. I almost baited each one as if it was some kind of reminder that I was still here and that she wasn't. It's all I ever wanted, and in a matter of hours, the hope was ripped out of me. He displayed his rage externally while mine was a quiet fire that roared inside. I questioned the why and how of it all. If karma is real, then I must have done something horrible. If this was God... then fuck God. If it's just biology and science then fuck that too. There's nothing more magical than feeling a life growing that you helped create, with your only role being to help nurture that precious life. I have so much love to spare, she'd never have to question that she mattered or that she was cared for. I've repented for so long and it hasn't gotten better. It just dissipated to numbness that now lingers in me like a gas leak, waiting for a match to ignite me into flames. 

 

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I remember the sound of twigs cracking under feet, the same sharp break that became a bullet aimed for his back. I remember the deafening silence that followed, walking around in the woods and then laying down. I'm still present, trapped here watching as they move me to the back seat of the car, Marcus driving while Kase holds my head in his lap and tries to get me to respond. I can hear him, I know he's there, I can hear the concern in his voice that sounds so starkly different from his usual even tone. I keep telling them I feel everything. I feel my emotions and other's emotions as if they were my own. Sometimes it's hard to know the difference, and sometimes it's too much. Then I feel nothing, just this numbness that makes it hard to do anything but lay here trapped in my own mind. The feeling of the pavement under the rushing tires is soothing, but then so is the feeling of his fingers in my hair. 

Our final stop seemed an odd choice, I won't lie, but then this was where we all became family. A final stop on the tour to return Kase's memory, or maybe the starting line for new ones. I always did like the smell of gasoline. 

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Nails and wood: the foundation of a home, a cross, or a coffin. I've been offered all three in the span of forty-eight hours and I'm fighting tooth and glorious nail for my home. All bets are off, all strings have been cut. 

I'm not your puppet, plaything, or another slut to manipulate. I'm no longer your informant, supplier, or good samaritan. Build the coffin, it's not me who will go in it if you proceed with your threats. You may have been good at reading my foundation and empathizing with my journey, but you have no idea who I am or what the absence of you and everyone else has turned me into. I told Gabriel he might not like the person I become, he's lucky he didn't get to live to see me proven right. I didn't need him to save me, just like I didn't need you. I'm saving myself. 

Crucify me all you want, I've never lied to you. The apple you're eating is poisoned, and no matter how high they build their walls, Eden is never coming back. You've become the sheep and her the wolf. I fought in your corner every step of the way, even when it threatened my life and well being. I picked you up off the side of the road, I regrew my spine, and I never stopped considering your well being. Good to know an orgasm is all it takes to destroy that. Hope she's willing to do the same. If you're done with this friendship then so am I. 

There was a brief period of time when I thought destiny kept pulling me to a certain person, like I was caught in his gravitational pull. Turns out I was right, but wrong at the same time. It was you. The same school I met you at, I met him at. Every meeting we had since then, you were the topic of discussion. Your forgiveness is what I strive for, even if you've already given it. You've given me a home, and I am forever grateful. You and Marcus are my family, the constants. You're what keeps me going. 

And you. With your tally marked arm, your masquerade mask, and your freshly shaven face. I forgive you. You were a good husband, and I am proud to have been your wife. 

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It's been awhile since I've been able to sit and relax long enough to write anything down. I've been fighting not only for my own life, but the lives of others and I am simply exhausted. I've gained as much as I've lost and I'm once more rewriting my list of the trusted. I've grown, changed, adapted. I raise my gun now instead of my hands. I control instead of being controlled. I've stopped caring about those who have never bothered to care about me. I've owned up to every last mistake and I am reaching out to those I've wronged to make amends. Finally, I'm standing my ground. I'm listening to the hammering of nails and organizing of crates and I know I have a closet to clean before I can hang my hat and call this home. 

Vali. To trust  you is ignorance, to forgive you is healing. I wont say it's a clean slate, you have many lashings coming your way but they aren't from me. You are loud and arrogant, down right cruel even, but I hope you find your peace. I don't want you alone, I just can't be the one to be your family. Not after all you've done. I can still feel the phantom pain of each bullet you put in me. Still love you like a brother, you just can't come home. 

Elliot. I loved you with all of my heart, waited for you beyond all reason, and would have happily died to protect you... But you abandoned me and that place you once had reserved in my arms is gone. It'll never come back, but we can be friends if that is something you're willing to do. The love is still there, but it's not a romantic kind. 

Batok. Thank you. Rest in peace.

Luka. I can't stop whats about to happen. You don't deserve it, not really, but disrespect is only handled one way with this family. We both know I have abandonment issues and it felt like family was finally starting to come home. Fuck me, right? Do you know how much it hurts to be abandoned twice? He is the only one whose never turned his back on me, and your new family just shrugged our good will off and slapped in his face despite his trying. We stopped building our home to hide you away long enough to build you somewhere safe. I got your okay each step of the way, and while you were telling me we'd meet up and you'd pick out which building you wanted, the pack was just building away somewhere else. Abandonment and disrespect. I don't know what future there is for us, but right now I don't see how we get back to where we were. I've been limping along with this feeling of family since you abandoned me for your many addictions to hide away in the walls of our enemies. Now you're returning there, to the same place you left me to be at the first time. I guess I'm slow, but I'll take the hint.

Hutch. I'm doing you a favor. I'm removing the water and letting you keep your oil. 

Clyde. I failed the first time in my attempt to build you your sanctuary. I swear if I ever see you again, you'll have your campfire and marshmallows. I wish I'd never left that school. I should've been there to help you keep your home. 

Kase. Maybe it is possible. We should talk.

 

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