Jump to content
Server time (UTC): 2019-06-20, 02:41
Xehara

Conceived Notions: Constance

Recommended Posts

The following thoughts are scribbled onto a black journal that resides on her person.
The pages are worn and the spine shows evidence of the journal being rolled up at various stages. 

HC_Covers_Black_New_FIN_480x480.png?v=15

 

This journal is readable if you manage to get it off her person, either by force or when she is sleeping.
(Please notify me OOC if you read it when she isn't aware.)

Share this post


Link to post

Your writing is beautiful! Your journal entries are very, very well written... But still sound as if it's coming directly from the character! Nicely done! 🙂

Share this post


Link to post
Spoiler

 

 

I'm not leaving you, but I can't say the connection is fully severed. It's a process I suppose. He stole all the kind words, wrapped them up in a neat little box, and gifted them to me with such sincerity. Now they feel like echoes being broadcast from different lips causing their meaning to be muted in the cloud of doubt and caution. He pulled me aside in the field, uttered apologies that made me want to cry. It was as though he retrieved his sins from my very mind and went down checking each one off, assuring he told me exactly what his apology was for. There was no posting blame for my own pain upon me, just an admittance of his failure and an attempt to mend the distance he placed between us. 

I went back. I pulled him into the barn and I tended to his wounds. I couldn't help myself. I want to say I'd do it for anyone, that it was the right thing to do, but I promised not to lie to you. I did it because it was him, and I didn't want him to die. Just like I told Kase to hide, that he was there. I didn't want him to die either. He's leaving for Russia and he's taking others with him. I pray to whatever god or goddess that might be out there, that the distance will help me move on.

I was starting to feel like me again.

Share this post


Link to post

😔 The journal of a faithful butterfly, forced to take on the visage of a moth! Nothing ventured nothing gained, that's what I tell myself.... stay golden Contance Devoe!!

Share this post


Link to post
Spoiler

 

This is going to hurt, maim, kill... 

Family. We've all been searching and here we've found it - in this room of battered bodies and wounded souls. How long has it been since someone truly hugged you? How many times have you needed such a simple affection and gone without? I'll live another day whether I can walk or not, just to spend a lifetime making it up to you. You're amazing, beautiful, and loved. Stop running into the woods to escape, escape is here with your family. Let us lift you up and carry you when you're too weak. Let us empower you to grow and blossom into a version of yourself you'd be proud of. If I am supposed to give up the pain then so are you. 

You don't have to be my shield. I've built enough walls up, I don't need you to try and build them around me too. You're my rock, and no one can take that from you. You're one of the most caring people I know, always making the best of a shitty situation and finding a reason to smile and laugh. You don't need your mask or your bear... But it's okay if you want them anyways. I won't make you give them up if they comfort you.

Full circle? You finally got to be the one outside of the walls with a gun in hand, and I lost the pot with as much grace as you did. I'm not mad and I don't blame you. You did what you had to, and you didn't get hurt. Thank you. I miss you, how close we use to be, the time we spent together. Is that on me? Is that on you? Is it just the natural progression of things? I need to see more of you. 

I'm all in. I love you. All of you.

Share this post


Link to post
Spoiler

 

Time stopped and set the world on fire and there I stood, spitting to put it all out. I feel your pain in every inch of my spine, in the creaking of my knee. I see it written on his guilty face, uttered in excuses on another's lips. What a mess we make. If you could think back to the exact moment that set this chain in motion, what would it be? Maybe it was a fire and moonlight for me, maybe it was finding Alkis at the gate of the 52. Maybe it all began on a rock outside of Eden, or a throwaway kiss in a pub near Myshkino. I guess it was way before all of that. For me, it was an S on my shoulder, from a man I would've loved had he got to me before Elliot. That's where my path branched off the first time. The crossroads where I held a choice and I chose Elliot. For better or worse, that's the moment that lead me here. He said I wasn't a killer, and with every life stolen since - I think back to those words. 

I'm smarter than I look, and I'm loyal to a fault. Even despite myself.

Share this post


Link to post
Spoiler

 

There's so much you failed to know about me. You overlooked who mattered, who burrowed themselves so deeply into my soul that their will became my own. You already began molding me into someone I wasn't back in Stary, at a house near a pond, with a shotgun and a heavy hand pushing me forward. There's no going back now. I think I died a bit when I pulled that trigger. All I could hear from that point forward was Elliot whispering, "Survive, baby girl," in my ear. He used to carve lines in his arm, one mark for every person who had wronged him and his family. Each one eventually met their punishment - or their end. I think I've begun a tally all my own. We all have our limits, our switch, a point where we stop being ourselves and start relying on the beast within to keep us alive. Some you see coming from a mile away. Viktor wore his rage as his armor. I hide mine away, surveying those who anger me with smiles and goodwill until it's time to make that move. The switch use to be hard to find, hidden away deep down and only unleashed at unideal moments. I'd fight back against my husband and be struck down, or even before when I was fighting to maintain my spot in an alleyway from other downtrodden and aimless wanderers. Now it's more of a struggle to find my calm. I told you you'd make me into someone you wouldn't recognize. Did you really think I'd shoot her? Knowing how much it would hurt him? Did you really think I'd let myself be the one at the end of your next lover's barrel as you told them to shoot me? Trust no one. 

Share this post


Link to post
Spoiler

 

Starved, in belly and heart, but you sought to have me sated. I am a sinner, but you've absolved me of my wrongs. Broken, battered, used and discarded, but you've stolen me from the burn pile and offered me life. The world is put on pause when I pass through this temporary threshold and into your arms. I've never felt this and I have doubt that I am deserving. We've torn each other apart, just to fall into one another and put the pieces back together. I've not yet retrieved the whole of my heart from the clutches of the one before, you still wear promises in your heart for the one before me. This isn't perfect, but maybe that's why it's working. Secrets always get found out eventually, and I'm sure this front we've put up of denial is cracking, but for just a little while longer - let it be just you, me, and this river. 

Share this post


Link to post
Spoiler

 

I'll give you everything until there's nothing left. I'll feed you with everything you've been missing and you'll feast because you're just as starved as I am. I'll be the stepping stone or the rebound, knowing how temporary it all is. Not because that's what I want but just because that's how it is. We'll preemptively call it my fault, it's simpler that way. There are signs there, things I've observed, lies you've told yourself. I'm strong, I can take it. I can shoulder the burdens and the pain so you can be whole. We all have our roles to play and I'm beginning to accept mine. There never was a happy ending, but I'll pretend as long as you let me.

Share this post


Link to post
Spoiler

 

It was a failure even I hated myself for. I didn't blame him for the lashings I got after. I almost baited each one as if it was some kind of reminder that I was still here and that she wasn't. It's all I ever wanted, and in a matter of hours, the hope was ripped out of me. He displayed his rage externally while mine was a quiet fire that roared inside. I questioned the why and how of it all. If karma is real, then I must have done something horrible. If this was God... then fuck God. If it's just biology and science then fuck that too. There's nothing more magical than feeling a life growing that you helped create, with your only role being to help nurture that precious life. I have so much love to spare, she'd never have to question that she mattered or that she was cared for. I've repented for so long and it hasn't gotten better. It just dissipated to numbness that now lingers in me like a gas leak, waiting for a match to ignite me into flames. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Spoiler

 

I remember the sound of twigs cracking under feet, the same sharp break that became a bullet aimed for his back. I remember the deafening silence that followed, walking around in the woods and then laying down. I'm still present, trapped here watching as they move me to the back seat of the car, Marcus driving while Kase holds my head in his lap and tries to get me to respond. I can hear him, I know he's there, I can hear the concern in his voice that sounds so starkly different from his usual even tone. I keep telling them I feel everything. I feel my emotions and other's emotions as if they were my own. Sometimes it's hard to know the difference, and sometimes it's too much. Then I feel nothing, just this numbness that makes it hard to do anything but lay here trapped in my own mind. The feeling of the pavement under the rushing tires is soothing, but then so is the feeling of his fingers in my hair. 

Our final stop seemed an odd choice, I won't lie, but then this was where we all became family. A final stop on the tour to return Kase's memory, or maybe the starting line for new ones. I always did like the smell of gasoline. 

Share this post


Link to post

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

×
×
  • Create New...