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The come down... I...

I was there...

In Chicago, in the shitty two room apartment. The wall paper peeling like wood chips. The asbestos ceiling with water marks browning what was supposed to be a white ceiling. The stained carpet, with the past of so many other traumas besides my own. The smell... God the fucking smell.

It was all so real... The pain... My neck... My mom.

He beat her into submission. I could hear the bones snapping in a muffled crack. Her arms... ribs... legs... Teeth and bits of her hair strewn across the freshly bloodied carpet... She was unconscious or dead by the time he raped her. He'd already broken my arm and my leg in three places. All I could do was watch...

Her face...

The last time I ever saw her. Beaten beyond recognition. A split lip pouring blood. Her left eye swollen completely shut nearly black. Her expression. Her jaw broken, left her mouth open displaying most her missing teeth. She'd bitten her tongue so bad in the midst of it... it dangled out of her mouth parting as if it would tear completely off at any moment. The pain had gnarled her expression masking the sorrow I could see in her one open eye.

He wasn't done...

When he picked me up by the hair... I felt my neck being slit open again. Him shoving me the the ground as I grasped weakly at my throat. I felt the land line hitting my head as I heard an unfamiliar voice, too calm for what I just witnessed

"..1 What is your emergency?"

All I could do was try not to drown in my own blood, clutching at my neck until the paramedics came.

I tried to stop him. I swear...

Edited by Mugin

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Oh. My. Fucking. God. This was... insanely well written... and definitely disturbing. Poor Frannie boy. 

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Oh. My. God. These are so dark.. but so well written. Seriously. 


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Robbie got shot. I should've gotten him out of there sooner... He ain't my responsibility, but why do I feel so fucking guilty??

Kid better still be kicking...

He still had a pulse when I radioed Ace and told her where I left him. He was too heavy to carry the whole way. Not much we could do being chased by those fucking psychos. Shooting a fucking kid like that...


Like I can cast the first stone...

Probably why I feel so responsible... No matter the just behind my actions. Someone always gets hurt, one way or another...


//There would be numerous scribbles, scratched out starts, to what he was trying to say on the page adjacent.

Shit, I've done... I always had a reason... Let that be known to whoever fucking finds this. Your judgment means shit to what I've lived through.


I broke my only rule that night. A rule even Santiago abided by, the scumbag. That knowing sneer he gave me. Maybe he knew I'd break, because that night. I wasn't prepared. I wasn't expecting the fucker to have done something... unimaginable.

I'd gotten a tip where he was. My father, Francis, was hiding in Canada. I won't lie. I was scared to find he was still kicking.

But I dropped everything. Left Chicago, my home, my employer, my life, all behind me. Took me a couple of days, but once I got to the address I was speechless. A fresh layer of snow coated a nice house with a white picket fence. The neighborhood was spaced out pretty decently. Hedges trimmed the underneath of the window sill... There was a Christmas tree up... I'd forgotten the date.

I sat in the car I had jumped once I crossed the border. Gas tank was nearly empty but the owner had a spare jerry can in the trunk, still had enough left.

I took out my .45 and screwed the suppressor on tucking it into the bandolier under my armpit. I popped the truck and took the jerry can, taking it, and my duffel of equipment. Carried them up the front porch and placed them by my feet, but just out of sight. I made sure my scarf was hiding my scar...

When I rang the doorbell, my blood ran cold when the door opened.

A kid. A fucking kid...

I stumbled back a bit... Kid asked me if I was alright... I told him I him to get his pops...

Kid looked at me funny as all kids do to a stranger. Turning his back but keeping his eyes on me. As he left the doorway. I silently followed him in... Locking the door behind me.

Francis sat at the dining room table. A fucking holiday sweater, and a glass of eggnog in hand.

I lost it...

I didn't feel bad at first. I'm gonna be honest. That guilts caught up to me though.

I killed them all...

Made him watch like he made me. Then I broke him. In ways, I had only dreamed. He cried and sniveled begging for it to stop, another chance, forgiveness, then death.

He gave me the answers I needed. And I gave him his final wish.

"Merry Christmas."

Edited by Mugin

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what the fuck wtf GIF

He's a monstaaah!

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I haven't seen Dom or Kain in sometime. I'm sure they're fine, just makes me wonder... I don't blame them for leaving if that's what they did. I just worry about Potius. No way in hell I can deal with them myself. Maybe I should just give up on our plan? As long as I don't use my real name anymore, and they don't find out I am back. I could get by like I am now.

As if. Even in the mountains I was struggling to keep on.

I have met some pretty resourceful people, unpredictable at times, but as long as I am on their side. They seem willing to keep protecting me and those close to me. Just gotta keep doing the odd job here and there. Reminds me of the old days. Less killing, but I imagine it's only until a matter of time. It's all I am good at anyways.

Been hanging around with some kind people though. All with a troubled past it seems. They seem to like me... Likely the drugs. Easier to put on a smile. Sometimes I get pangs of guilt. Just gotta stay medicated. Been running low on codeine, may try to bump to something stronger... I'm around that camp too much to get some myself, but just gotta keep at the job. Some of the docs leave some drugs laying around though. They don't seem to notice when they go missing, so I at least got enough in the mean time...

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Potius Cras is back. Is it because I've been fucking smiling lately?

Dom said he saw them a while ago, but not in these numbers, not this organized...

I don't want to do this shit again. Too many... too many friends gone. Andy... I know I'll be digging another grave if I go at them again. I might as well start on my own. Might as well find a nice place near Chernaya. Hopefully I'll just end up face down in a ditch. Forgotten. Nobody gotta deal with my mistakes that way.

I've done some terrible things. To them. Myself. Those I care about. All in the sake of stopping the Corporation? The lines got too muddled. I mean for fuck sake. We let Jack infect one of them! Hoping he'd take more out with em when he got back to camp... I turned one into a fucking paste... I just... still can't take the chance. Even if it's this slim... that they're gonna fuck up the little good that's left... Even if I ain't doing fucking "gods" work. Killing is all I know I can do.

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Not many days go by and I don't think about Andy... I'm sure she's okay, but I know she'll never come back.

I was stupid to think I could have a kid. Better off if my name dies with me anyways. I'm ashamed of it. My papers say "Frenek Vilas", and still he made me take his name after. Maybe I wanted to before all this. I remember a time I actually looked up to him... It makes me sick.

At least things seem to be turning around... Despite the nature of how I made these friends... I've gotten very close with someone again. She and I have an eerily similar past. The kinda shit you can't say aloud and it's nice knowing I ain't the only one fucked up like that.

She's real sweet. Fucking bakes me cookies too.

I hope Aleksei doesn't kill me...

Maybe I will tell her about all that in time. She's already figured out my name, maybe I wanted her to know. Hope that doesn't bite us in the ass later. Might have to deal with Potius sooner rather than later so it'd don't.

If I get taken by Cras I'll probably leave this for her... I'll have to update this thing though. A lot of life I've missed... The Damned. Harper, Jimmy, Alex, Ivan, Avery, Lorenzo, Marv, Duncan, Shepard, Alyona, Kurt. Most are gone. But all worth note. Once a lot of this shit is over I will be more honest so this thing doesn't make me a complete liability.

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I will always bake you more cookies 😄 

Love the storyline! ❤️

Also can't wait to

Edited by Lyca

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Kid would've been born around now... Maybe I try to torture myself, or maybe I just won't be able to forget.

Been trying to not let it get to me, but... I can't help but think "what if". If I'd be living in Russia right now instead of Ivan and Alex... Fuck those two. I've been happier recently thanks to Khandra but remembering this shit... That they get a fucking "happy ever after"... It's bullshit. Ivan should be down here risking his neck killing these fuckers too. Not fucking some camgirls loose pussy forgetting about us.

Doesn't fucking help I opened my fucking mouth in front of some of Potius's meat shields. "The Damned" SERIOUSLY?!

I need to sleep more if I am gonna keep pulling stupid shit like that... Luckily we killed most of em after that... Vlads been doing some fucking work helping out. We got Khandras blood sample back thanks to him really. Mans a fucking killing machine. Not that knowing faces and names would make him falter him, but I'm sure it's easier to kill these gas masked fucks. I know it's helped me, I get a pang of guilt sometimes looking at all their ID cards I've collected over the years...

Got some okay news though recently. Jimbos alive. Harper ain't with him though... I had to hold back every ounce of seething rage I felt to keep me from wringing his fucking neck... I shouldn't talk about him like that. It wasn't his fault. I shouldn't blame him. Can't blame myself neither... Just gotta find her. Make it right. If she's nabbed by Potius... I couldn't live with myself. She can't face my consequences for what I did those years ago...

If they touch her I swear to god...

Gonna need to bury this if Dom and me keep up our plan. For everyone's safety.


Khandras probably been the only good thing happening in my life since I met back up with Dom and the others. But she don't need me killing Potius to make ends meet. She's meeting me over here at Kamarovo tonight. Apparently she and Duncan bumped into eachother in the middle of fucking nowhere. Good to see Duncan hasn't changed.

I got a good surprise for her though. Owe her some favors or something good. I don't think it's what she'll be expecting, so hopefully, she'll like it.

Fucking Robbie thinks we should get married. Stupid kids got his heart in the right place, just not his head. Can't blame him though, given everything she's the only person that can make me smile right now. He's probably noticed. Kids observant like that.

Anyways, gonna get her a notebook just like mine. I think it may help her figure out or remind her what's real and what's not. The withdrawals been fucking rough, so I am happy I can keep her company in the nights.

Met with Grachi too, he's apparently happy I've gotten her off comfort. Not like I'm helping for him or me. He's okay though. Kinda pisses me off though, trying to brag about the ones you've killed? Didn't think an old man could be petty. Then again he ain't never met my da...

*he handwriting would falter and drag out on the last letter of the word "d"*

Had to keep my cool when he called me "son". For Khandra. Withdrawals already enough.

Edited by Mugin

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Yess...  I was waiting for this!! 😄

Great read ... it's always interesting to see whats on your characters mind. Poor Francis has a lot on his mind right now 😞

Cant wait to read more. 😛❤️


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Khandra never showed that night. She was kidnapped. I got nabbed too, eventually.

I wasn't careful enough. I just thought she was having a bad trip or hallucination and well... The important thing is we escaped. I need to thank everyone again properly. A some 15 or so friends, came and stormed the island to save us. Moses, Vlad, and Alexsei#2 got shot up pretty bad, but all survived thank fuck. I'd hate myself if any of them died for me and her.

It wasn't terrible on the island, but the constant strip searches made it hard to take care of Khandra. I considered putting my lock pick set up my fucking ass it got so bad. But those fellas... They were either loonies as Felicia put, or just stupid for thinking they could bring back some kind of law and order to this country. I just hope no one else gets mixed up with em. I don't want to go back... But Khandra does want to get some acorns or pinecones from Merlin. The tree in the courtyard she made friends with. I may slip back there sometime in the night, like I should've in the first place. Direct conflict was never my preferred style anyways... Dom would kill me if I got nabbed again for some pinecones, but I promised her...

Fuck... maybe I do love her. Risking my neck not really for the pinecones. I could give a shit less honestly, but I know it'll make her smile. Something I'd do anything to see. The kind of smile you know she's a fighter. Been through so much like me, but she still manages to give off some kind of contagious happiness through it. Maybe only I see, but I can't get enough of it. I need her in my life, and I can't slip up and let something get in between that. I can't let her get hurt no more. I would've taken her beatings in the prison, anything to make sure she don't gotta feel no pain like that anymore.

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We've all been laying low. Moving place to place. Reminds me of the old days... We've been able to relax every so often which is nice I guess...

Fuckin a... I can't keep this up...

I need to give her this thing... Guilts creeping into my head still, every night, even when I am with her. Guilt that I haven't told her everything. I don't think I can bring myself to outright tell her...Things before this, not to mention now... That man by Lopatino... Ashby... Jupiter and his people... Corpos... Miraslavl... Fucks sake. Sometimes I forget how we even got into all the messes we're in.

I don't deserve her or the happiness she brings me. She says I do, but I don't think she understands the guilt that eats me everyday there isn't something to drown it out... Booze, oxy, sex... I need... I need to tell her...

Who I was before this, what I did, why I thought I had to do it all... I promise I will. I tried to do right every time... Except that night. I know that now.

Khandra... I understand if you can't look at me the same after reading this. Just know, I am not a good man, but I keep trying... For you. For Dom. For Moses. For Jack. For Aleksei. For Shepard. For Jimmy. For Harper. For Duncan. For Jericho... For myself.

So we don't forget.

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4 minutes ago, Mugin said:

For you. For Dom. For Moses. For Jack. For Aleksei. For Shepard. For Jimmy. For Harper. For Duncan. For Jericho... For myself.

still no shoutout ok i gotchu

jk jk good read! now i’m late on my break

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She still loves me. Despite everything.

She gave me her journal too... Knowing the terrible things that's happened to her. She can handle herself, but I will make sure she don't ever gotta go through that shit again.

Knowing only hurts more after talking with Mal. The dumb ozzie cunt. She's fucking stupid for the situation she's in, and not taking a helping hand. Hurting Khandra like that, I'd say it'd be unforgivable but she's scared shitless... I can't forget that moment... Seeing them both walk off crying. It was heartbreaking. And I am still just stuck here with the pieces of their friendship...

At least we got some good news.

I'm gonna be a best man. It was a needed and pleasant surprise. At least I can focus on something else besides the second coming of the end of the world...

I don't know if even that'll be enough to get my mind off it all. I am gonna try though, for them, and myself. We need to enjoy the few good things when we get the opportunity.

I feel bad too. Still haven't gotten to meet and properly talk with all of Khandras friends... Fucking Corpos got in the way today otherwise I could've stayed longer. At least we got some more of their tags. Guess I can use them to apologize.

Jona and Ellie are good people though, great even. Khandra has some real nice people in her life. Makes me feel better about Mal being a stupid fucking cunt. I know they're smarter than that at least.

I hope Mal lives long enough to apologize to her. I can make sure of that at least... at least try.
Rest in Peace: Sam

Edited by Mugin

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Life is changing again. Seemingly for the better. Wonder how long it'll last...

I feel so fucking stupid too... I found my sister. Yet... Well, I was the last to know. Though, hopefully she'll want to talk. She knows a lot about my past and what I did... So I don't blame her for wanting to keep me away.

She's keeping Aleksei safe, and most my people are off away and hiding. As they should. Been losing too many people. Fuck knows it's hard enough to find someone to trust, let alone keep them.

Grachi has been dead a while. Can't say I miss him. Khandra doesn't talk about it much either... Though I am sure she does. She's strong though.

I guess some dumb Norwegian kid Alina knew died too... Alex was his name. Dumb fuck shot Aleksei so can't say I miss the brat.

Been having to lay low ourselves though. Putting on a lot of new names and voices to get by going out. Though it seems those we gotta be weary of... Well. Like I said, times are changing for the better.
We're more organized. Getting back into the grind of dealing, the raiding isn't too new, but plenty of new blood it seems. Been better since Vlad came back. It's a good setup he's made. Strong. Glad I chose the right side all those months ago.

Toy Collectors are gone too it seems. With them well... potentially The Broken. Maybe time to tell Ace and Mal I told them so...

Haven't heard much of Potius either... Whether it be because I was laying low, or they're laying wait to start something... I don't like it. I'm still wary, but what we have and know now. We can give them a tougher fight then we ever did in The Damned.

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