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Murdercool

Alfred Fish's Story.

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Murdercool    32

Hey guys, just thought I might share with you my story to see if it's any good or not I don't mind a bit of constructive criticism as I will learn from that and hopefully take it on board.

Name: Alfred Fish

Age: 18

Height: 1.77m

Weight: 209 lbs.

Hair: Brown

Eyes: Brown

Pre-Outbreak Profession: University student from England.

Alfred Fish an 18 year old student from Cambridge in England. Alfred studies computer engineering at Cambridge University. He lives with his father James, his mother died young she was murdered by a gang of youths. Alfred thought his father was a engineer who worked away weeks so Alfred was home alone most of the time when he returns from University. One day Alfred's father told him he was catching a plane to Chernaraus to work for a couple of weeks. This was not unusual for Alfred as his father worked in different countries often but this time was different. Alfred was on break at University so he asked his farther could he join him on his trip, James said he could come along but would not be able to go to his workplace. Alfred and James set off the next morning to the airport little did they no what would soon happen. As they were on the plane the pilot announced there were some problems with the airport that they had planned to land at, so they had to land at a military airfield. As they arrived they were greeted by armed Czech military about a dozen of them, they escorted everyone out of the plane into a nearby hangar. What looked to be a Major of Czech army started to explain what had happened in Chernarus he was interrupted by gunshots from outside. "There here." exclaimed the Major. The military fell one by one as they teared through there flesh like paper. "No.. It's too soon.." said James. James grabbed Alfred and span him round "Run!" James shouted. They ran, ran like they had never ran before watching the passengers of the plane being ripped apart by those creatures. James and Alfred hid in the barracks, James sat Alfred down he said "Alfred.. There's something I need to tell you.." Alfred exclaimed "What the hell is going on! Tell me! What where those things!". "There the undead Alfred.. I'm not who you think I am.. I work for the SAS..". This news broke Alfred "How.. how could you lie to me.." replied Alfred. "I'm sorry son.. Those things out there are not though they may seem like humans but there not.. I was sent to Chernaraus to kill a scientist who was working on these creatures". James handed Alfred an .44 Magnum from the store room "Take this your going to..". One of those creature out of no where grabbed James and gnawed through his shoulder. "DAD!" exclaimed Alfred, Alfred fired a clean shot into the creatures head. It was dead. James collapsed to the ground, "Dad.." said Alfred. James coughed and splutterd "The.. SAS they.. are still.. here.". Those were his last words. To this day Alfred searches for the SAS in Chernaraus.

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Iiro    0

You should change the third person narrator to first person

like this; "James grabbed Me"

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Murdercool    32

Yeah I thought of that but I was doing it as a an out of character person telling the story of Alfred. + I used this as my background story for my application.

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