Jump to content
Server time: 2017-10-19, 00:15
Safe Zone: CLOSED

Sign in to follow this  
Guest stormU

My background story for whitelist apply (i would like some feedback)

Recommended Posts

Guest stormU   
Guest stormU

26/04/13

Hello

If someone finds this i am lucky.

I am on an island in the middle of nowhere.

I was on a cruise ship “Swordfish” when a storm hit us.

The boat got hit by lightning and the controls where destroyed, then something hit the boat.

I heard a loud bang, and suddenly water started flowing in our room.

My dog started barking when suddenly a.... men walked in it didn’t look like a men but it must have been a men.

The ship started swaying and the men fell, i was running and looking for an exit.

I heard another bang and that is when it all went black for me.

I was dreaming when i was knocked out, i dreamed about my home in Holland.

I saw my house, a barn in the middle of beautiful landscape.

I saw my dog happily playing with my son, my wife was sitting on the sofa outside.

But I can’t see their faces I can’t remember them.

Then suddenly it started raining, everyone went inside.

BANG!

Lightning struck the house and there was smoke rising above the house.

I heard screams….

I woke up on a small boat, I don’t know how I got there but I felt safe.

The water was calm and the sun was shining.

I saw land ahead, I started rowing to the island.

When I arrived the city’s were empty and the houses abandoned.

I could not read the signs next to the road, they were some kind of Russian it looked like.

When I was roaming around on the island looking for any sorts of life I didn’t find any.

At night though, I saw movement in the forests and windows of buildings.

At first I was thinking that I was hallucinating but a few days later I could also see something in daylight.

One day the things were approaching my camp and I had to kill them….

I don’t like killing but now I am on this island I think I will need to get used to it.

Now I am here I need to get back to my family and hope they are fine.

I will use my skills as a pilot to get off this island.

If I can find any sort of human activity I will keep searching until I find someone.

I will help them to get back to their family’s.

Because I know how they are feeling, but if someone starts acting hostile…

I will look for them……I will find them…..and I will kill them!

Name: Jhon Mike

Age: 17

He has a sickness that will make him switch character.

He is a nice person and will help people, but is very aggressive against bandits.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Gullio1    0

I'll help you out here, this could use some work.

First: Google a sickness or disorder that actually makes people switch personalities. Without accurate portrayal, it could be too silly or downright offensive. Also, is he always nice but bandit hating? Or is this one personality.

Two: Put this into Microsoft Word. Spam spellcheck and grammarcheck.

Three: Show us your character is nice, but aggressive against bandits. Don't tell us. Actions prove and say more than words do. Show us he "changes character". Why does he do this? Did he lose his medication? Everything needs a reason.

Lastly: Don't have your character's goal be help others get back to their family. Not that this is bad, but like I said before, there has to be a reason for everything they do. If his goal is to leave, he wants to leave. Helping is a side project, bandit slaying is a bonus.

Just remember: Doing RP with others is like writing a story. And to make a story, plot comes first. He didn't just appear, with a clean slate and random medical conditions and skills. He had a life, shit happened to him.

Well, that's all the help I can think of at the moment. Good luck.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
JayJay    0

In hopes to assist you in getting whitelisted, I'll make a suggestion or two.

This story needs paragraphs. (Not sure if grammar-check will catch that)

Everything seems to be in point form, and its too much like reading a list rather than a story.

Also, try not to start every paragraph with "I did" or "I saw" or "I could" .. Try to change it up a bit. You can find different ways to say the same things.

"I was dreaming when i was knocked out, i dreamed about my home in Holland."

--

"While I was unconscious, I dreamt of better times at my home back in Holland."

My grammar isn't perfect, please don't think I'm Judging you in any way. :)

I simply am making a suggestion based on my personal reading experience.

I wish you luck with your whitelist.

I currently have an application in myself. Hope to see you!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sign in to follow this  

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

×