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Losing myself.....Lost and Shattered

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Chaostica    143

"They killed him....they deserve to be punished...." she whispers to herself and she looks through the hunting scope down at the familiar faces falling under the cross-hairs gathered around the fire below as she lays on the cold, damp, forest floor the smell of earth and moisture filling each breath as one by one she slowly focus' on each face, chanting the same line over and over to herself as she passes by each one....'they killed him...they deserve this....' her voice is quiet and growing increasingly uncertain as the faces blur and distort as warm tears gather in her eyes. Her hands shake and the weight of the rifle pulls it back down to the ground to lay softly on the forest floor as she buries her head into her arm just as a soft sob escapes. She has done this before, followed those she believes killed the man she loves, lined them up in the sights of her rifle but before she can pull the trigger the tears come. She can almost hear him telling her, 'stop.....don't do this......they're family..'. 

Breathing slowly and taking some calming breaths the sobs subside and she gathers the rifle and begins to sneak stealthily away from her former family, she would not be punishing them this night....

She passed through the dark forest like a ghost as she moved between each concealing shadow further away from the small group of happy people, each step she takes making her chest constrict in pain until finally she falls to her knee's and starts to keen softly, the whispered sounds growing in volume until a heart rending howl of pain rips from her throat and echo's in the night forest around her, sounding very much like the wolves who inhabit the area. Her body rocks back and fourth and the howl dies off but her mouth remains open as she continues to soundlessly wail, trying to expel the torment within and ease the pain of her loss. A cold rain begins to drift down through the canopy overhead as she continues to rock slowly, the chill water falling on her upturned face and mixing with the warm tears already spilling down her cheeks. She continues this way for a long time, her body growing cold from the ground she kneels on, her hands starting to turn numb, fierce shivers wracking her body from both grief and cold.

Something within her pushes her to her feet and she begins to slowly walk, not really aware she is doing so, her eyes not truly focusing on where she is going, only long habit and some instinct lead her back to the camp she has been staying at, a small cave concealed by the debris laying in front of it. Soon she is laying within a pile of wolf furs, heat packs within generating heat to try to warm her frozen body but even though the skin warms she remains cold within. She stares blindly into the fire for a long time, letting it begin to burn low before she finally moves again, reaching for her nearby bag and finding the radio within she pulls it free along with the battery she removed from it long ago. She replaces the battery and after a few moments brings it to her lips, pressing the transmit button and clearing her throat before she speaks into the mic softly....her voice is weak but there is no emotion in it as she starts to speak

"I couldn't do it......................you live because I couldn't punish those he cared for.................................I am no longer..................there is nothing but coldness here now....."

the voice trails off and the radio goes silent as she ends the transmission and removes the battery again, tossing both back into her bag as she settles back to watching the fire, no emotion crosses her face or flickers in her eyes, she is so very cold.....

Edited by Chaostica

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Chaostica    143

The sickness was a curse but a blessing as well. She gave in and talked to the dead. She knew she needed to live, but for now, she could let the other one take charge. She always knew what to do. The shock of hearing he was alive and no ghost sent her mind spinning. She waited for him, waited to hear his voice call out to her on the radio at least once. It never came. Angry and frustrated she'd removed the battery and gave into the dark cocoon that was her mind as she let the other take charge. The last she remembered was something coming at her in the cave, something she'd shot at. 

As she lay in the Dark cocoon she kept asking herself over and over......why? Why didn't he say something....anything...to let her know he did care for her. She'd done so much to prove to him her love. She'd been ready to kill everyone when she's been told he was dead. She'd even gone so far as to try to keep the others from coming out, to ask the Doctor to trap them inside, to keep her from losing control she would sacrifice herself, she would willingly become incapacitated via sickness or unconsciousness to make sure they stayed away from the others....what more could she do? She protected him, hunted for him, kept track of anyone who wished him harm.

She slowly became aware again, seeing a beautiful green. She knew that colour, she knew who came with it. The one man she considered a brother, a kindred soul. Ivan. She awoke reluctantly, although she'd been jolted a couple of times already she wasn't ready, the other knew this, tried to keep her safe. She could not refuse him however. 

"Ivan..." she whispered, her throat still sore. She looked around at those with him. "Where's Axel...." she asked.

She was told he wasn't coming. Her heart sank lower then before and began to constrict painfully. Her chest felt heavy, she couldn't breath......

They all spoke for awhile....she promised them she would listen...and she did.

Again...he did not speak to her....did not even mention her name....he was cold, that is where the cold came from....him.

The pain built throughout the day as she waited....hoping to be wrong.....wanting to know she was loved......

The darkness was slowly creeping towards her when she finally sighed and came to a decision....

Carefully she checked the battery strength and found it sufficiently weak enough, it would not last long.

She let all the pain she was feeling out through her voice, trying to let him know how she felt but convinced he wouldn't care.

Setting things about the room carefully, she continued her message then wrapped the elastic around the transmit button then carefully setting it on the nearby coffee table, her hand wrapped around the grip of the gun.

"Goodbye" she said and carefully lifted and aimed the gun, her arm weak and the gun already shaking in her hand.

The sound was deafening in the small room, easily transmitted to those listening. She carefully lowered the gun and sat staring at the small radio. Watching it as the small light glowed showing that it was still transmitting. She waited. Quietly watching, keeping her breath shallow and making no noise. The ambient sounds of the house would be heard but she wanted to make sure that her presence wasn't detected. 

After a short while the light began to dim as the battery slowly died, she continued to wait, a peace slowly coming over her as she ran the details of her plan over and over in her mind. This had to work, it was  her only option. The light on the radio was long dead before she decided it was safe to move again as she carefully put her gun away and reached for the radio, removing the elastic and battery then grabbing the jacket she'd lain on the couch beside her and shoving it inside.

"it's just the two of us now....." she whispered softly to herself as she slowly got her feet, her right hand immediately seeking out the slight swell of her abdomen and resting there. She stroked it lovingly, a small smile coming to her face as she felt the small flutters there. She'd been told she'd never have another, but while they'd been north they'd found some time for each other, and it was when they returned she'd begun to suspect. She'd almost lost the child when she'd heard he was dead, the shock and sickness afterwards almost doing the same, but this child was strong and deserved to be safe. If that meant she had to fake her death so be it. Her child would be loved, and his father was no longer capable of it.

"I'm sorry you'll never get to know the man he was little one but it's for the best.....even I don't know him now...and I won't have you grow up doubting if someone loves you." she whispered again as she put on her jacket and grabbed her rifle and bag of supplies as she headed for the door. Stepping outside the building she once more smoothed her hand over the barely visible swell and smiled softly, then turned north and headed towards life and safety for them both.

Edited by Chaostica

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Jack the Ripper    249

Oh god, that was a lot more heart-wrenching than I was expecting, and I was expecting a lot. Great chapter, very bittersweet with an extra helping of bitter. Will this be the end of the story though?

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RogueSolace    274

Awwww ?❤? Solace would have been excited to have a cute little one around. But the choice makes sense, sadly. Here is hoping the best for Nyleea ❤ maybe we'll meet again one day ❤



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