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Oblivion to Solace

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((This journal is hidden IC and its existence is unknown to others. NO INFORMATION MAY BE TAKEN IC WITHOUT MY PERMISSION. Thank you. Any pictures are OOC and here to help the story)).



This is going to be a mess. I'll try to organize it all. I honestly hate these things. Never been able to keep up with one. A log, journal, whatever.

So why am I writing one? Its a coping strategy they made me use in the hospital in New York. 

Its a way to get things out, remember things, find patterns, track progress. All that stuff. Considering I do have too much running through my head, maybe this will help.

Here's to hoping it works. 

Edited by RogueSolace

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December 25, 2016

It’s been a long day. Doesn’t feel like Christmas, then again I doubt it ever really will again. Spent most of it staring out a window at the gray sky, the pain radiating on and off. Flashbacks of the past few days. Everyone’s wandered off, I heard Lt is somewhere here, just pretty much asleep. He’ll be lucky to pull though this, he was lucky he even lived through what happened, I had been so sure he was dead. I’m glad to have been wrong, but at what costs? Brain damage, limb loss, mental duress, who knows.

I’m filled with so many emotions, I don’t know what to think. Just that every sound makes me jump. I hate being alone like this. I’m having panic attacks again…great, right? Haven’t had those since before I came here… well I’m not sure if that is true. Only that as far as I can remember it is. I heard a gunshot outside somewhere, probably the air field down the road. Normally it never bothers me except to stop and listen. This time, my body froze and all I could remember was the gunshot going off, and the pain in my leg. I don’t know how long I laid here crying for, struggling to breathe.

I hate how much this is effecting me. I know it was traumatic, but, it really bothers me. I’ve never felt so degraded in my life. I know it’s all a power play, but it’s a game I’ve never been able to shift my perspective into understanding of. I guess power and control over others, bending them to your will?
I don’t want to think about it anymore, it consumes me too much already. I’m going to go get myself in trouble and get some damn apples. I’m hungry, and I need to get OUT of this bed for a bit. Even if it’s only about 30 feet away.

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December 25, 2016

I think Lucky saved the night, at least made it better. More, special. Still very sad, but better.


I knew something was off as soon as he came in, just acting very differently. No jumping, cringing, hiding. He tossed his bag on a bed, sat on it and stared at me for a bit. His eyes harsh, then asked me if I’d learned my lesson yet. I crankily asked him ‘which one’? He firmly responded with “Trusting people. Wanting to help them all the time.” I had to think because, this reaction is not the Lucky I met and have known the past few weeks.

Chief told me to not trust him. That as soon as he gets a chance to have me alone, or weak, he’ll hurt me. Badly. Couldn’t help but have that warning go through my mind. The Lucky I knew was passive, terrified. This one, this one was…dominating? Stern, harsh, sure. I don’t really remember most of it as I was really angry, but he proceeded to give me a harsh lecture about being stupid, and the things people could do to me. He even hinted at what he could do to me, then and there, at that moment… if he’d wanted to. This wasn’t amnesiac Lucky anymore, this was Luciano. The one who as I fought to save his life, screamed that he would rip my throat out, or cut it in my sleep. The man Chief warned me about, was standing and watching me with an almost predatory stare.

I asked him why he didn’t then. Not sure why I thought that was a good idea, I guess I was honestly curious. He was quiet, walked across the room to me, knelt down. Looking me straight in the eyes and moving his face very close to mine, he asked me if I’d like him to hurt me. I shook my head no, and he smirked, told me he didn’t think so. The look he was giving me, I'd be lying if I said it did not scare me. It did, very much.

"I'm sorry Rogue."

"For what?" I looked at him confused, suddenly wary.

I don't remember a movement, just a sudden extreme pain of a needle going into my neck. I cried out, but he must have held me still long enough to inject whatever substance into me. He let go and backed up as I tried to push myself backwards against the bed. My left arm over the spot he had used the needle and my eyes staring at him in fear.

"What was that?"

"Oh, nothing."


He seemed bored. "Calm down. Don't worry about it."

"A sedative?" Was he drugging me? What the fuck...

Lucky rolled his eyes and gave me a look. "It's my own mix. Its a painkiller and vitamin C."

I tilted my head in confusion.

"It'll help you feel better."

I don’t know his next words stuck as much as they did. I don’t know if it was the coldness in his tone, or the enunciation of certain words. There was care in it, but in a very factual, chilling way. Almost like sighing.

“You better have learned your lesson Rogue. Otherwise that pretty face of yours, isn’t going to be pretty much longer.”

He got up and walked back to the other side of the room, leaving me chilled and unsure of how to respond to that. I curled up on the floor and stayed quiet for a while as he moved things around his bag. I should have known better than to look for comfort from him. I was thinking, and I asked him, what’s the point of all of it? Things like this keep happening? We keep losing people.

He turned and looked at me, without hesitation and said

‘If that’s how you’re going to be, I have a gun right here, and I can easily pull the trigger if you want me to. You want to die? I can kill you. I can do it right here. Is that what you want?”

I think I was too shocked to speak for a moment, but managed to shake my head. “Then don’t talk that way.”
Well, okay then…



He stopped and looked at me again. “You can’t trust anyone Rogue, not even the people you think you can trust. Even they will use you. Even the people you think care about you. Even people like Lt. You realize that now, right?”

All I could do was be confused, what the fuck was he talking about? I asked him as much. He went into a bit of a fit, I don’t remember but I think he walked over to me again.

“Rogue, he USED YOU. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT? He went on the radio and said ‘blah blah, going here, Lyaria in trouble, need some backup in case.’ So, when he gets there, and realizes that things are a bit more complicated, did he get on the radio and say that? No. He did not.”

I don’t remember most of it, I think I was in too much shock both from trauma and what was being told to me.

I remember, he said there was a proper term for it, but I don’t remember what. A person who in a situation, really IS innocent, knowledge wise. They are not told the full situation and just left to wander around and stumble straight into the trouble. When they get caught, they really DON’T know most of the story. This is either followed by more torture, as the victim is not believed to be telling the truth (usually also distracting them from whoever else has either been captured or is sneaking around), or it can verify if someone else lied and only told part of the story (make it sound like they told the truth.)

I kept replaying it through my head, I did not want to believe it. I remembered the expression he had when they made him watch what they did to me, the grief and guilt. Had it all been fake? Or just because I was being punished for something he did and felt bad? I think I wanted to slap Lucky. My head was spinning in confusion. I did not understand, I kept asking him to repeat over and over what he knew.

He told me that Marshal and I had just been thrown under the bus so to say, I’d watched it happen.

“He said you must have heard him on the radio and shown up against better judgement?”

I nodded.

“They made him call Marshall on the radio?”


“He picked up?”


“What did Lt say?”

“He told him that we had been captured and were being tortured. That something Marshall had done or looked into, had gotten way out of hand. That we were being punished for it instead. That they wanted to talk to Marshall, alone. They gave him thirty minutes.”

“Did he show up?”’

I shook my head no, he had not shown up in that time frame. Or after. If he appeared later, I honestly have no idea. Things got chaotic as I finally was tossed away, and I was not interested in sticking around. But he had a point. I was angry with Marshall. I did not know what was happening, and either expected him to not show up at all, or show up with raptors and kill everyone around us. I was mad I had not been told about what was happening…but in reality, Marshall did not have the slightest idea either.

I’d been used.

I’d been used by two people that I had trusted, four if you want to be technical about it. One of them I really did trust, and felt was looking out for my well-being after taking care of me with my concussion. One had taken care of me when I should have died, before I got here. The other two, while I did not remember any of it, had found Elaine and taken her into their home in her bloody state to patch up. Apparently nice enough that she trusted to tell them about me, where she had hidden me, and to get me, and bring me back there. I apparently got patched up too, I just don’t remember any of it due to the concussion.

Batok had pointed a gun at me, and said I could take the gun, and shoot Emmrich (Lt), or be shot. I know movies are bullshit, you hit someone in the arm or leg, you can hit an artery so easily, shatter bone, bone hits large vein or artery. A shot to any appendage can easily result in losing the limb or dying. I had no idea where I could safely shoot him. I couldn’t do that to him. I don’t remember if I’d already been shot for lying or not, but I remember being told to hurry up in my decision. I told Batok I wouldn’t do it, and he had gone through with his word without hesitation.
Everything just went numb, and quiet. He gave just enough information for me to know something was wrong, but not that there was any more danger than that. Not that they had a lot more people than we thought they did, and to stay the fuck at the edge of town at least. Which had been my original plan if something looked too bad, or wrong, due to my shoulder. Everything had been so mixed, I had no idea what I’d walked into. That the people I ran into were tied at all to what I ‘thought’ was happening. I just thought they were general bandits.

I don’t know how long I sat that way, but I snapped out of it when I felt a hand on my face. Lucky was studying me with a pitying expression, a sad look in his eyes. He looked up and down at my mostly bandaged body and sighed.

“Come on Rogue. Looks like it’s just us tonight. I have a bunch of wolf meat. We got attacked last night, took em’ all out. Christmas dinner, right?”
I smiled a bit. Both of us very obviously did not feel the holiday spirit. He was at least trying though.



Lucky started a fire outside and I sort of hobbled out. Everything fucking hurting like hell, head from being bashed in the temple with a gun butt, leg from being shot twice, shoulder from healing from surgery and then fucking dislocated when it was pulled back. 

Then promptly got fussed at. I did not want to sit in the fucking cabin anymore though. I grumbled and sat by the fire which made him stop bitching at me. We talked a bit until food was done. It was pretty good, never had wolf before. It made me sad honestly, such beautiful creatures. But now we’re the prey.

I looked around wondering what people were. John, Ian, Logan, Stradic, Ethan. I know it’s not fair to either of us, but all I wanted was a big hug from Ethan. Just sit with him, playing guitar or just talking. I don’t know why, something about him just makes the world not seem so bad for a bit. Even through the hell he has been though. But he’d been so damn distant yesterday. I’m worried his demons are winning, and that he’s not letting anyone help him.

I was happy I had Lucky there, it was much better than being alone. Being alone was not something I had been dealing with well that day, jumping at every sound and dropping into panic attacks when a gunshot went off on the airfield.

Lucky decided it was late and shuffled me back inside. I did not want to sleep but knew I wasn’t going to get a choice in the matter. Chief did the exact same with my concussion. You don’t want to sleep? Too bad, here’s the bed, now you’re on it, go to sleep. I sat on the floor and sighed, Lucky perked up suddenly and went to dig in his bag. He came back and handed me something. I don’t think he’d been able to wrap it, I don’t remember. May have been, in old newspapers, he was annoyed about something with it.
I was just baffled he was giving me a present.

Getting a present at all really, it made me get a huge smile on my face, even though my skull felt like it was trying to split in two. It was a green woolly blanket. He quickly explained that it was military. The style looked familiar. Wrapped inside of it was a bottle of vodka. I’m not a huge vodka fan but I figured it would be perfect anyways for moment you don’t care what you’re drinking and made sure to pack it carefully in my bag.

It was cute how excited he seemed at the blanket. He explained that one side was the warmer side, heavily insulated, meant for really cold nights and stuff. Then showed me the other had a type of odd fabric on it. He explained it keeps the rain off. So you can sleep in the rain if you have to, wasn’t waterproof, but would repel rain. You could rig it up as a makeshift tent or lean to, if you needed as well. I shared the excitement, it was really cool. It was also really thoughtful. I thanked him for both things and promptly wrapped myself in the blanket smiling.

“I found it at a military camp, I also washed the blood out first!”

I wanted to facepalm. It made me laugh, it shouldn’t have but I laughed. That was quite thoughtful honestly, blankets and things are not going to be remade now, we have to use what we find. He did not have to spend time cleaning it, probably knowing me seeing someone’s blood on it would upset me. Yet he did anyways.
I smiled and leaned against his shoulder, old Lucky isn’t so bad I thought. At least, maybe not to me. I tend to have that effect on people.

“I had a present for you…but it kinda got taken with all of my stuff…”

“Really? What did you get me?”

I smiled a bit, “just odds and ends, bullets, things I thought you’d like or find useful.” I shrugged not knowing what else to say.

Lucky leaned back and we just sat for a bit, happy having each other’s company. After a while he sighed and pulled a large yellow envelope from his bag, frowning. I frowned too, it was the kind I think they put x-rays in? Not sure really.

Sighing again he sat down and pulled out what was inside it, x-rays. He held one up towards the lantern illuminating it. I was confused.

“What am I looking at?”

He pointed to a part of the chest, showing me the lungs. He pointed out something, I had no idea what it was.

“They found that their. A mass. It’s growing.”

Everything stopped for a moment as I was registering what he was telling me.

Thoughts began racing through my mind of what to do. Surgery, chemotherapy, types of surgery…and then everything felt like it shattered, because I realized, none of those things are possible anymore.

“What are you thinking?”

“Plans A to Z, and backup plans…”

He chuckled, “Rogue…”

“…and the fact we can’t do any of them…” I felt so helpless, looking at him. His eyes were red. I immediately wrapped him into a hug, also wrapping him in the blanket, pulling him to lean against my shoulder.

“We…we can do minor surgeries, what about that? What about Rosenfield?”

He sighed… “Rogue…”


“It’s on the INSIDE of my lung.”

All I could do was frown, then look at him “…but...” it came out as helpless as I felt, and I know he knew what I was thinking. We did not have the people with the right knowledge or the technology available to do anything like this. A surgery to even try, could kill him simply by shock alone. I put my chin against the top of his head again, not sure what to do or say, just hugging him.

“How long ago was this taken?”

“On the ship.”

“Did they give a time frame?”

“A few years, maybe.”

“Who else knows about this?”

“No one. You’re the only person I’ve told.”

“When…when are you planning to say something to the others? If at all?”

“I don’t know yet. Just promise me you won’t say anything about it.”

“I promise.”

As horrid as it was, something went through my mind. Something that in the end, could help him. I hoped.

“Lucky, I’m going to…make a stash…morphine….just for, only for….” I looked at him with tears in my eyes “This sounds so fucked up….but….in.a.long.time….when we can’t do anything more and….when you’re ready…. you tell me…. I’ll make sure….I’ll make sure…. it won’t….”

I couldn’t finish my sentence. All I knew is that I did not want him to be in pain, struggling to breathe, drowning in his own body. I couldn’t fix it, but I could give him a choice, to choose his time. When he was ready. Not before the disease put him in too much agony.

He smiled a bit and told me I didn’t have to, but I do. Even if it’s not used, I want him to have the option. I think he understood. He leaned in and gave me a tight hug, we held each other for a bit.

Eventually everything started to hurt to a point I couldn’t deal with.

I climbed into bed, took a morphine shot and let it take me away from the world for a bit.

Edited by RogueSolace

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Also comments totally welcome! 

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Just got done reading these, nice stuff man :) keep 'em coming!

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Sometime in November 2016,

My dumbass decided after a good trip to NWA that a trip to Myshinko, the tent place everyone always talked about would be a good idea. Also the story of how I was bitten the first time.


Oh hey infected, decide to practice Winchester shooting. Forget Winchester is LOUD. Turn to see about 6-8 infected about on top of me. Well fuck. Shot some of them with handgun but got swarmed too fast, ran around the best I could. Ended up being bitten on my right shoulder, left calf (outside of leg), right hip and right forearm. Almost died too. Lost a lot of blood trying to outrun the bastards, managed to get away from all but one and had to beat it to death with my hands.  At that point I was practically blacking out, and managed to call Emmrich for help. I bandaged myself up, hid in the woods, and ate and drank, and just held pressure against my wounds. Eventually I got my blood volume built back up.

I don’t remember if I drank from a lake but suddenly my insides were trying to kill me. I’ve never had an issue with lake water until then. I took antibiotics immediately along with some charcoal, but oh gods I was sick. Oddly stuffing my stomach with water and throwing up seemed to have a decent effect.

Emmrich got to me and ran me back to camp, stopping for breaks at wells so I could be sick and stay hydrated. Finally got back to camp. Curled up and was miserable by the well, also more because I was panicking.

I’d never been bitten before. I’d been scratched up by the infected, but never bitten. Bitten is the one way we KNOW the disease is transmitted, via saliva/blood combo probably. Either you get the disease somehow, and you die, or you live. There is no telling an in between. There is no test for immunity. Though I’ve since been told, all of us who are still living have to be immune, at least to bites, so body fluid contact. There were rumors of other ways to transmit, but I don’t know if any of them were true or not.

I’d been sick back in the camps, I nearly died. Flu symptoms, raging fever, couldn’t keep anything down. I did not weight much and lost a lot of weight. But I recovered; I looked dead for a while. But I gained the weight back quickly. I never learned if it was the sickness that made the infected, or just something that happened due to keeping lots of people one spot. Best way to give us the plague and such, you know?

Maybe that was a sign, but I don’t know. Jimmy had told me his experiences. He’s been bitten several times, he was just fine.

0Q5A0gm.jpg 6rpHEdw.jpg 


I got to camp; no one knew I’d been bitten. Just that I was sick. It could be the sickness, it could be the bite, we wouldn’t be able to tell. I wasn’t going to hide that though, plus I was too damn scared to. As soon as I got there I fucking broke down, curling up and crying hysterically. Lt (emmrich) was there obviously, and Jimmy came over to see what was wrong. I pulled my sleeve back and showed him the bite, then the others. I broke down sobbing harder.


He did nothing but reassures me that I’d be fine, and tried to calm me. He’d be bitten lots of times, I’d been sick before. I pointed out that we did not know the sickness I had before was the same or not. I just curled up and lost it repeatedly. I knew what would happen if I turned. They would do what they had to.

At one point, I glanced at Chief, who was sitting nearby me. I was hoping for something, a reassuring smile or not, a pat on the shoulder. I just wanted something reassuring from him; instead I got quite the opposite.  He had his revolver out, and was making sure it was full, closed it and made it ready to fire, putting it back in its holster and looking at me with a dead expression. I knew what those bullets had been put there for. I was a risk, and if need be, I’d be put down. That really, did not, help me feel better. I almost broke down again, but I did not blame him. He was doing what I knew he had to do, and that deadpan expression was him protecting himself from the emotional impact of what could happen.



Ian finally showed up. Note to self- never.piss.Ian.off. I’ve never seen him angry, and damnit it’s terrifying! Well I’ve seen him be hostile and angry at others, never at me.

I was sitting there and glanced up, happy to see him. First time I met Ian he scared the hell out of me; always wearing the creepy gas mask and hat. I was with I think Logan or Kozak, being taken somewhere and we ran into Ian and someone else. All I knew was they called him Doctor, and he asked me a bunch of things about how I felt and had been around the infected, while looking at my hands and arms. I freaked out honestly, was their some new plague or something I did not know about? Would someone just shoot me thinking I was a threat?

Ended up being fine, and while Ian definitely has his own issues, I find a very, odd comfort in him. He’s not physically affectionate, and I always forget hugging him seems to confuse the shit out of him. But there is something about him I’m drawn to. Not romantically, Ian does not seem to be interested in women, so whatever makes him happy…. Okay fine, I maybe had a little crush on him before I learned he did not like women but still…. But, I don’t know why I feel that draw to him. It’s kind of like Axel. I just want him to like me, to be supportive, to be able to know I can go to him with problems and feel safe. I feel, oddly comforted when he’s standing next to me. I don’t know why. Even when I learned later that probably should not be he emotions I associate with him. But I do.



So Ian looks at me and sighs; looking over the cold symptoms, agreeing hopefully, just some contaminated water. Then, I showed him the bites.

I really wasn’t sure what I expected from him, just not what happened.

He went dead silent; you could feel the tension in the air. Like electricity as he processed what he was seeing. He looked me dead in the eyes, moving right in front of me.

“What...happened?”  Each word was enunciated, stressed, deep, filled with almost what felt like animosity, demanding.

My brain went blank at the sudden ‘oh shit’ feeling. It took me a moment to register and try to speak my thoughts.

“Well, I decided to go check out uh, Myshinko? The...the place with all the tents and...people always talk about it so I wanted to go…look around…”

“What...were…you…doing…there?”  Again his voice just froze me. You know when the really quiet and seemingly non-threatening people (like me) are always quiet. Then suddenly one day they get angry, and they are the scariest thing you’ve ever seen in your life? Yeah, this one was one of those moments…

“I…was…scavenging…” I could barely get the damn words out I saw so scared suddenly.

His face was right in mine, eyes locked though the mask. Each word again, enunciated, stressed, angry.

“ROGUE,” he cut me off, “what…were…YOU…DOING…there?”

I started shaking. A sudden thought going through my mind, what could he be thinking I’d been doing there? I wasn’t lying! I was not meeting anyone, or doing anything shady...I’d never do anything against these people…they were my family now…I’d been scavenging…or well, had meant to anyways. I could barely speak; everything came out a trembling whisper.

“I was scavenging; I was just looking around…”

Ian’s stare just made me go silent again and look at him helplessly. I felt like I was about to be hit by a wrecking ball if I made one damn wrong move or said something wrong. Along I had no idea what I was supposed to be telling him.

He made a funny noise, put his hands to his face and took a few breaths.

“What?! Just…ugh…” He took a step back for a moment sighing again. “No…no…no…no.” He stepped back in front of me and practically screamed in my face, locking his gaze to mine.


Part of me wanted to shout back it wasn’t my fault that whenever I was awake almost no one else ever was in camp. Like 99.5% of the time. How was it fair that everyone else wandered off, leaving me alone, sometimes for days a time, I wasn’t going to sit on my ass bored and useless. But I knew that was not going to be an accepted response.

I was still just in shock at how angry he was. Why was he so angry? I hadn’t been there that long; he barely ever spoke to me or noticed my existence. Why was he screaming at me like I suddenly, just, mattered? Like I meant something?

I felt my eyes well up with tears and my throat tighten into a knot. My lower lip quivered a bit. I hate being yelled at, I hate it. I hate people being mad at me. I couldn’t speak without losing it and bawling in shame. I just nodded my head, and looked down, trying to not cry. Trying to make some sense of the sudden outburst and the anger.

He firmly but not harshly grabbed my arm and pulled me, I followed until he stopped, pointed at the ground and stated “Sit.”

I did, and just stared at the ground, I couldn’t bring myself to look him in the face.  He told me take my jacket off, which I did, making it easier with the t-shirt underneath to see the wounds. Without a word, he cleaned, disinfected and wrapped each one. I hate disinfectant, fucking hurt so damn much. Took everything to keep from screaming.

“Alright.” His voice was much calmer now. “Keep these clean, alright?” I just nodded and he walked off.

I’d spent the rest of the night in a terrified haze. But it was also where I felt I had bonded the most with Emmrich. When I had my stitches, he’d been the one to come hold me, letting me squeeze his hand. When Ian had to cut the stitches, poke around the wound, and then re-stich it, all without painkiller, I’d freaked out. I’d been waving my hand frantically, whimpering. I just wanted someone to hold my hand, to know it was okay. Just Chief doing a few stitches had hurt so badly…Emmrich had come over and done so, trying to comfort me while Ian worked.

I’ve noticed while Ian works he has a sort of disconnect. It’s like any reaction to another’s pain just sort of turns off. No idea how he does it, but I can understand why. Also not sure it’s a good thing or not. Doctors need empathy to understand their patients. At the same time, they need to be able to focus under periods of extreme stress without making mistakes. Some of them disconnect like Ian, some of them use dark humor, or other methods. Just something I’ve noted while watching him work on me.

So I was sitting in the cabin that night terrified. Would the fever break, would I start to feel better, the wounds heal, scar over as they apparently always did? Would it get worse, would I be like before? Until the fever burned my mind? What would I feel? How long would it take? Would it hurt? Would I be conscious afterward? Unable to control my body, only watch?

Emmrich came and sat with me, holding my hand and letting me cuddle into his shoulder with his arm wrapped around me. He’d jokingly started to refer to himself during these moments as ‘Your big cuddly teddy bear Lt. Emmrich.’ Which was honestly pretty funny considering how he normally was very serious.

I’m not sure if it opened something he’d previously shut, or he was just being nice. I’d started when I had my concussion, holding my hand. Then when I was exhausted and hurting, I’d just instinctively cuddled into his shoulder one night, against the chest. I’d startled him at first, and I tried to pull away and apologize, but, while he said it was okay, he was very tense for a long time. Yet he still held me there. Eventually he relaxed and by the end of the night, seemed to really want me to stay there.

 So this sort of became a bit of a routine when I was not doing well.

So Emmrich sat with me and I was leaning against him, his arm around me. He’d been the only person to stay. He ended up telling me about the first time he’d been bitten. How scary it had been, how he realized what was and could happen. How afraid he’d been. The excruciating wait of not knowing what would happen or when. How he’d sat with a loaded gun in front of him, just…waiting. Waiting until he knew he had to pick it up and pull the trigger on himself or not. He waited for three days like that. Alone…afraid…not knowing... He said he wasn’t going to let me go through that, and I was very thankful for it.

Thankfully, and obviously as I am now writing this, I made it through the night.

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Well damn, that's a lot to go through... didn't see any mention of the scarf I gave you for Christmas ._.  Just poking fun, good read.

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Just now, Combat Logo said:

Well damn, that's a lot to go through... didn't see any mention of the scarf I gave you for Christmas ._.  Just poking fun, good read.

I'm not there yet! That was the day after! :D its the next thing I'm working on <3

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6 minutes ago, RogueSolace said:

I'm not there yet! That was the day after! :D its the next thing I'm working on <3


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Hey man really enjoyed reading, keep it up!

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Good read. Keep it up Rogue. 

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Nice read Rogue. Can't wait to see what's in the next entries, and possibly Scottie in them ;)

Keep it up!

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Great read. Keep em' coming. 

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Let’s see, story from about a month ago.


Shoulder- healing from gunshot wound/surgery. Erik, while we were traveling a few weeks ago, accidentally mistook me for an infected, after I ran into a yard and was grabbing some apples. Took an AK bullet to the shoulder, almost point blank. One moment was grabbing some food, next thing I know is that I’m coming to on the ground, IV line in my arm, painkiller being loaded into my system, crying and screaming from the pain, blood everywhere. Had just re-met the Hargrave brothers. Apparently they are who helped Elaine and me. 



They knew me the second they saw me running around with Erik. I have no idea who these guys are, other than they told me the entire story of what I knew happened. Which…as far as I know, only Elaine, myself and Chief knew. So…that was, creepy. I don’t remember, but I am very thankful for their help. I’d probably have bled out if not for their intervention, they got the majority of the bleeding under control until Elaine half dragged me to Chief. 

Though it was a bit funny as one of them went ‘Oh, that’s the girl you called dibs on!’ the other one immediately arguing with him. Definitely brothers. It was honestly somewhat amusing, they seem nice enough.

So, AK rounds as Lt taught me, are referred to as ‘poison bullets’. Due to their being designed to cause maximum damage, including break apart and help cause infection. The bullet goes straight into the target, continues for about three inches, and then rotates in a forward spin, and shatters upon impacting any bone.

Meaning, the entry wound in my shoulder was a typical bullet hole, it miraculously missed major bone and muscle areas in my shoulder, and promptly exited out, leaving a massive hole the size of an orange, or so I’m told. My vest and jacket probably took the initial impact, the only reason it did not take out my whole shoulder and result in a lost limb. Managed to crack my collarbone we think, or break it, not sure. Either way, it fucking hurts!

Everything is a blur, I remember thinking it wasn’t too bad, just hurt horribly. Then noticed the blood and started going into shock, especially as the pain got worse. Was rushed somewhere, barn or something I think? I remember Lyaria’s voice, I remember pain, so much pain, and I remember being held down by my arms and feet. From what I understand she was able to pack the wound to stop the bleeding out.



A few days later I think, we couldn’t get ahold of Ian or Rosenfield. I was already risking massive trauma to my shoulder with the wound open the way it was. I believe Logan called Rose, there was no other option, while good, Lyaria was not experienced enough for this. I was highly sedated with morphine, so thankfully don’t remember most of this.

Rose came and did surgery, Lyaria helping, Ender talking to me to try to distract me when the pain got too bad. Even with morphine, hurt like hell. From what I understand, the bone was alright, nothing shattered around. Collarbone not so great but would heal. She stitched some muscle back together and put some kind of artificial skin transplant over the back of my shoulder, stitching it in.


I remember Ethan, I don’t know when…I think they said he sort of showed up at the end of the surgery. Or was it right before? I think it was before as he did not return that I remember.





I just remember resting, then hearing his voice. I got really excited. After a bit I heard him next to me and opened my eyes, I think he was lying down so he was eye level, but out of the way of Rose or anyone in the tent. I just remember being really, really happy to see him. I think he probably left when they started the surgery, I don’t blame him. I think hearing me scream just causes him more trauma. Probably better for him to have left.


Next week was a blur, being in a morphine haze. I remember Logan taking care of me, Lyaria, Jimmy, Erik. I remember being very sick. Morphine is usually given with an anti-nausea, something we did not have. I couldn’t keep anything down, and was also apparently hallucinating. I remember Erik made me some chicken broth by boiling chicken in water, I managed to keep a bit of that down. It helped a lot.

I remember spotting Ian at some point and trying to hide, repeatedly trying to say ‘it wasn’t my fault!’ I don’t know what I actually got out, I just did not want to get yelled at again. I think I made it about two feet and ended up on the tent floor. I remember being sat back up and being fussed at gently a bit for falling. I know he gave me an IV and something extra in the IV, as I started to feel better. He also gave me some pills to take instead of the morphine, wouldn’t make me so loopy. Yea! Apparently I’m entertaining on morphine, but ugh I just sleep and am bored on it.


It was a bit of an odd night. I remember those things happening, and I remember Ian going to leave, but being very hesitant. I just was sad, I did not want him to go, and we see him little as it is. I wanted to beg him to stay, but it wasn’t my place to do that. So I just sadly said goodnight as he started to wander off. He never really says goodbye properly, he just, leaves.

Logan spotted it, the hesitation. He calmly reminded Ian, that he did not have to leave if he did not want to. I perked up slightly at the notion. Things got a bit weird. Ian did not seem to want to go, but he did not feel he could stay either. Logan and I started worrying and fussing over him. Well Logan more so, me from my little spot with my IV in watching and occasionally adding comments.

I don’t remember why, but, I think he felt he did not matter. That, we did not need him around, we did not care if he was around. Everyone has been hit by Chiefs death hard, but this was the first time I’d seen Ian since the night I found out about it. Why did he think that? He couldn’t have been more wrong.  

Voices rose higher, Logan was pleading, Ian was… defensive but aggressive? Is that a thing? Anyways, I’m not sure what came over me, but I knew I wanted to help. I could not help sitting on a cot. So while they bickered, I pulled myself to my feet and grabbed the IV bag, carrying it with me. I carefully started to make my way over to them. I got about halfway and Ian spotted me, and immediately started yelling at me to go sit back down. Again with the scary, demanding voice.

This time I refused, or think I tried to… damn morphine… I frowned at him, getting angry at him. I was sick of this, I was sick of losing people. I was sick of finding happiness to have it taken away, especially because someone was being too ignorant to see their own value. As soon as I felt hope, it would be ripped to shreds again. I wasn’t having it, not this time.

“You are NOT in a state to be walking! GO SIT DOWN, NOW!”

“Why do you think I’m over here then?! If I didn’t care, I’d be sitting over there doing nothing!” I indicated towards the cot. “But I’ve been arguing, AND I’M HERE! Do you really think, that if you meant nothing to us, that’d I’d be doing this?! I’m trying to get over here, when I know I shouldn’t because you mean something! Because I care about you, and I want you with us!”

I remember tearing up and starting to cry. I remember Ian’s head sort of tilting as he processed what I said. Stupid mask never lets us see expressions, but probably part of the point of it. I think my poor drug addled brain decided to try to compromise, as I found myself sitting on the ground suddenly, just staring at him.

I think Logan tried to say something but he cut him off. “FINE….fine…” Grabbing his duffel bag he walked back over to the building wall next to the tent, grumbling. He threw the duffle against the wall angrily and turned with his back to the wall, sitting on the ground.

Logan and I just shared a look, he smiled a bit at me. I just watched Ian, not knowing what to do. Looking at Logan for some kind of guidance he came over and picked me up, carrying me over to where Ian was and setting me down next to him. He was fiddling with something in his hand, obviously furious. 


As usual I had no idea what else to do, and defaulted to trying to put my head on his shoulder in a sort of hug attempt. I just wanted to comfort him. He did matter. We all cared about him, a lot.

I don’t remember how the conversation went, I don’t remember what was said or how it got there… but I think he was trying to scare me off, and I called him out on it. Told him it would not work.

Somehow we ended up on a different topic… insanity. I told him he wasn’t crazy.

“You don’t understand, Rogue. I SEE them.” 

“See what?”

“People, all the time.”

I listened quietly, “Where? What kind of people?”

He indicated to various areas around us, like the tree line, pointing off a person each time that I did not see.

“Maybe, are they helpful? Do you know them?” I was trying to figure out a way to put it in a good light, but his bitter laugh told me otherwise.

“I know every one of them.” His voice was suddenly exhausted, depleted of energy. “They’re all people I’ve failed…people I’ve let down…people I’ve lost…and they won’t let me forget it. They taunt me, tell me I failed them…always. It never stops.”


I did not know what to say other than hug him and tell him he wasn’t a failure. He’d fixed me many times. I know it wasn’t enough, but I had to try something. But oddly, this made some things make a lot of sense. His paranoia especially. If he was seeing people who he’d lost and felt like a failure to, constantly around the current people he cared about and was trying to save, no wonder he would get so fierce about protecting us.

I just hugged him and tried to comfort him the best I could. Not sure it did much, but I tried. Eventually the morphine started to knock me out again, I remember Logan picking me up and being laid back down on my cot, before passing out.



Edited by RogueSolace
Fixed cause I'm an idiot with names XD

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Nurse Logan, low hourly rates and... qualified.... yeah, qualified. Services are available. Enjoyed the entry.

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Always have fun with @Combat Logo and @SpaceCowboy ?❤

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Hey Eliane finally got a mention :D 


Good read though Rogue, keep it up these are class!!

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45 minutes ago, Oisín said:

Hey Eliane finally got a mention :D 


Good read though Rogue, keep it up these are class!!

yep! I'm working on it, slowly...esp as so much is happening so quickly, but I'm trying xD 

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I get to read you get to Beanz.

Good story and all but there's not enough meeeeee in it:D. Of course I was never there when any of those events took place but screw it good work anyway.

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37 minutes ago, StoneFace said:

I get to read you get to Beanz.

Good story and all but there's not enough meeeeee in it:D. Of course I was never there when any of those events took place but screw it good work anyway.

LOL thank you! :D Eventually you will be in it!

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So let’s see… I think it was Saturday I was running around one of the towns looking to see if there were any tents I could scavenge. I know it drives Axel crazy, but I like to have space to put a few extra things I don’t want to carry, or tools, food. That way if we can’t leave camp we should have what we need right with us. Also our uh…current spot really has nothing that would be considered a roof, and it has been raining quite a bit.

I just like tents. I guess it feels like a sort of security. I can be sure I hopefully, have a spot where I’m prepared. Even if just for a bit.

Anyways so was on a roof of an apartment looking around, best way to spot things. I never have lucky though on my own, I seriously never find any. Nyleea is my good luck charm with finding tents.

I heard shuffling and someone climbing the stairs. Infected don’t seem to have figured out ladders yet, thankfully, so I took my glock and was waiting. Person came into view and then was trying to hide. I waited on the other side and greeted them, not much else I could do, I can’t fly.

I heard another voice and recognized it, feeling my stomach drop. Elliot, I’d know that voice anywhere. Mostly because I don’t think I could ever forget the voice associated with the person almost always around Elliot, his brother Batok. Who, was on the other side of the door. Once Elliot got there they both stepped out, wearing clown masks. Those things are creepy, thus why people wear them. Also associations to the old Masquerade would send anyone who knows about them running. Typical scare tactic. Both the masks were white and pink, which, I honestly found a bit amusing.

Otherwise I pressed my back to the wall, keeping my gun in my hand and remaining civil. The past few times I’d seen them at the trade post, they’d mostly been behaving. Maybe not the first two times, but after that they did. I’m not really sure if both of them being nice to me, just made me more terrified or not. Made me feel like it was some kind of trap. Then Batok was trying to get me to go on a walk with him, alone, away from everyone. I really couldn’t think of why he would think I’d say yes to that.

He tortured me. I guess, having a very interesting talk with Ivan a while ago, about perspectives on that kind of thing. It was Batok’s job to protect the camp at that point. I wandered in not having the slightest idea that his group had anything to do with the people I was looking for, until it was too late.

I guess in a way I could understand it, still does not make it right. But I think the degrading was what has me not willing to forgive it. People act violent to protect those they care about, or are paid enough to care about. But the degrading…no. That’s done because the person WANTS to make someone feel helpless and like nothing. They feel empowered or get gratification, usually sexually, from humiliating people. They want to make someone suffer, to feel bigger, better about themselves. That’s personal, not a job.


So yeah I was not exactly pleased when Scott brought them to GM. I have no doubt it was him.

While they had behaved the other visits, I’m still on edge around them, with good reason.

So they come up and I’m of course, freaked out, but holding my ground the best I could. We chit chatted a bit, mostly what I was doing there that kind of thing. Sounds like I possibly wandered into one of their living areas, if that wasn’t a lie.


He started messing with me, asking me what is name was. I just stood there, part of me too afraid to respond, part of me wondering if it was a joke, and part of me wanting to yell something at him that probably wouldn’t go over well. He was standing really close to the edge of the building, and suddenly I heard a crack and he was gone. Elliot shouted and went running down the stairs, I ran after.

No idea how he wasn’t a pancake. Still have no idea. Not much to slow his fall, but he was alive. I guess because I’m a good person I stayed for about an hour trying to stabilize him. I did what I could. Ended up getting dragged into a game of truth or dare with Elliot and their friend ‘Crow’. I tried to tell them I suck at that game. I’m horrible with coming up with anything and I sure as hell am not picking dare from them. Not happening. Yeah I know I pissed off Elliot really badly from being glared at, but I warned him.

Thankfully he seemed really appreciative of me hopefully stabilizing his brother. He did thank me for it. Also apparently had a tent they’d found, I guess there are a lot where they are, and gave it to me. I wasn’t really able to say no so I gave up and accepted it. I do appreciate it, I guess I’m looking at it as more of a payment from working on Batok. I don’t like leverage, especially owing anything.

One thing that was kind of funny was that Crow kept asking what happened and Elliot kept telling him that I had apparently taken out a bible and threw it at Batok, knocking him off the edge. I couldn’t tell if he was just joking or honestly trying to make Crow think that. I kept denying it, I did not have a book, I did not throw anything. Crow starts laughing when I said I did not have a bible. He then goes ‘Quran?... Torah?... Buddha Statue?”

I broke out laughing because that was actually a very clever statement, but also the Buddha statue just made me laugh, I don’t know why I thought it was so funny. I guess it would be a good sized object to smack someone over the head with.


So I finally went off, back to town, passed out. Did some more running around the next evening. The silencer on my glock was about to break, and I had been unable to find a replacement in any houses. So I decided to go to a town a bit away that had a police station, you can sometimes find ammunition there. Typical trip, in and out, or that was the plan anyways.

I saw people running around, tried to hide but Elliot and Batok went running up and down the road. I was so confused…how the fuck we he walking? Let alone running? That’s kind of terrifying… he was using the brace I made in case, but still… I dunno.

There was this southern guy in red who introduced himself to me, very polite. I hoped he would leave quickly for his own safety. Thankfully he headed in his own direction.

Chatted with them again a bit, Crow was with them again. He was carrying an AK and had a very different demeanor than the day before. He was skittish, versus being relaxed. I did not say anything.

I was talking to Elliot in front of me, my back to a car, and suddenly I felt something; an arm, wrap around my neck and tighten, a body suddenly pressed against me from behind. Instinct thankfully kicked in faster than I could think and the next moment Batok was face down on the ground in front of me. Yea for Navy Seal training, or at least some of what they put me through…

I started yelling at him, demanding to know what the fuck that had been. He was acting all hurt, totally did not buy it. Or if I hurt an injury from the night before, he probably deserved it for doing that. Elliot was going on about me doing some judo ninja shit. I wasn’t sure to run…was it a sick joke to startle me? Even if I ran, could I get away? I did not get to find out, I felt something hard slam into the back of my head, and everything went black.





Everything was cold.

Why was everything cold?

Wet was the second thing my mind acknowledged. I was soaking wet, I felt water on my face, stones, dirt.

The third was the pain. My head felt like it was being split open, I felt disoriented. It was hard to focus.

I opened my eyes, I was lying on the ground, a river behind me, or lake. Something body of water. I noticed something next to me and managed to look up, my eyes focusing in the dark. I recognized Batok’s figure just as he started talking to me.

“You alright there?”

I looked at him, confused.

“What…the fuck….how…here?”

“You were drowning, I saved you.”

It was hard to think, to process words. It was not as bad as my first concussion, but possibly a more minor one. I tried to remember, what happened? How did I get here? I managed to mutter out a “What?” His face was covered as usual, only his eyes showing. He was watching me with amusement in them.

“Don’t you remember? We got married. Then you ran away…” He sounded sad. It took me a moment to register what he said before looking straight at him and shaking my head no. He chuckled and nodded in response.

“No…that…can’t be right…” Was I drugged? Did I? What….why couldn’t I remember what happened, how was I here? No…that’s not something I would have in any way accepted being done…

I just laid there in stunned silence before he chuckled,

“Nah I’m just kidding.” I felt myself suddenly lifted off the ground, and stumbled to find my feet. He took my arm and pulled me away from the water, I noticed Crow and Elliot nearby, watching and looking bored. He chuckled with amusement and stood close to me, “remember what I promised you?”

“I’m going to break you…”


How could I forget? I looked up at him and realized I was shaking, and not from the cold. I nodded.

“Good… was thinking about getting our friend from town…let you get to play… you can prepare him for us.”

“I’m going to make you hurt someone, a lot.”


I shook my head no. I barely managed to whisper through my fear, “I won’t do it.” He tilted his head at me.

“And I’m going to make you like it. I’m going to make you hurt them, until you like it.”



I shook my head no again. He knew I was afraid. I knew saying no would make it worse. I couldn’t do it, I wouldn’t do it. Not if I had a way to stop it.

He chuckled again at me in amusement. “You think you have a choice?” He leaned in closer to me, “What’s my name?”

I felt the panic rising. I was so confused, he’d been being nice…an act probably… was this a game?...Please? Maybe?


He sighed and shook his head, he leaned closer, his eyes never moving from mine. In a more demanding tone, each word stressed “What is my name?”

I wanted to cry, I felt my throat tighten, and I was shaking. I knew that tone. That tone meant I had one response before the pain would come. The pain from before flashed through my mind, the pain from my head making it worse. Please, I don’t want to do this again… I don’t want to go through that again…

Play along. My mind told me. You did this before, you got away. If you want to live you have to play along… if you want to not hurt, you have to play along. Just do what he wants you to, this isn’t so bad, and really…it’s just a word…

“Daddy.” My voice was a whisper.

“What?” He heard me, he wanted it louder.

I swallowed hard, taking a breath and said louder, “Daddy.”

He made an amused noise, “See? Good girl.”

He stepped away, glancing at Elliot. “I’m going to go find our ‘friend’.” He was off running just as quickly. I just glanced to the other two. My hand brushed my gun and I hesitated, suddenly taking a mental inventory. I had all my things…why did I have all my things? They did not take my weapons or radio away. That made no sense…


I wanted to throw up, I felt awful. My head hurt, a lot. I took a few breaths to try to steady myself. If he came back with that man… I prayed he had run and did not come back. Looking back over Elliot was watching me along with Crow, I knew I couldn’t run. I felt rage suddenly. I wanted to punch him, both of them, and try to run. Crow had an AK: that was a bad plan, even though part of me did not care. My throat tightened, I was either about to cry or attack, both not options. I had helped him yesterday, why was he doing this?

I realized I still had my scavenging bag in my hand. How? I frowned, this would only get in my way. Just a bag. I angrily turned to toss it away, hearing an ‘ouch’ and suddenly had an AK in my face, with Crow right behind it, glaring at me. The words he spoke were an order…

“What was that?”

I looked at him in confusion, “Calm down, I just tossed a bag.”

“Yeah which a corner of hit my head,” grumbled Elliot.

“Oh…sorry.” I looked at Crow and shrugged, I got a glare in return.

 “Sorry, I didn’t mean to hit him.” I repeated.

“Do not, do anything, like that, again. Understand?”

I nodded and turned away, keeping my hands in view. I closed my eyes trying to think.

“How’s your head?”

I wanted to yell ‘fuck you’ at Elliot, I knew that would be bad. I wanted to hit him too, but that would be worse. I bit my lip and kept my mouth shut.

“Scale of 1 to 10?”

Why did he want to know that? Two things flashed through my mind: 1 he could actually care, 2 he wanted to know to make it worse. I was betting on the latter thought, but was not positive. I was afraid to respond. I was also too angry. I just glared at him and refused to speak. He asked again and I did the same.

Big mistake.

I felt a hand clamp down on my upper arm and yank me hard, I stumbled to keep my footing and not fall, looking up I realized he was dragging me back towards the river. Lake? Whatever the stupid body of water was. Panic took over, “8, 8, 8, 8, 8!” Was it that high? Probably a 6 ½? I was functioning, in pain, but I could formulate thoughts.

He yanked me to one spot, his eyes glaring angrily into mine. Suddenly I felt pressure around my throat, I couldn’t breathe. My body froze up, my hands suddenly trying to pull him off. Both hands were clamped firmly around my throat, strangling me. He pulled me so we were face to face.

“You, do not, ignore me, when I speak to you. Understand?” I managed a tiny nod.

The pressure stopped, I fell to the ground coughing hard, my body gasping in as much air as it could, then the pain forcing it back out, my body trying to ensure my airway was clear. I instinctively rubbed my neck from the pain of his hands squeezing it.

He stepped to the side, just as I heard footsteps run back up to us. Batok was back. “Fucker ran off. Towns empty… guess it’s your lucky night.” There was a pause as he kneeled in front of me again. His tone confused me, it sounded…worried? It was aggressive, but in more of way when someone you care about is hurt and the person is becoming angry. “Why, is she rubbing her neck?”

Elliot shrugged, “Must have swallowed some water the wrong way or something.”

I knew eyes were on me, waiting for my response. This was getting very weird. Play along, don’t start trouble, you’ll make this worse on yourself. I nodded quickly, nodding towards Elliot.

“Swallowed water the wrong way…” The pause indicated he wasn’t exactly buying the response. Elliot made a comment, I don’t remember what he said, only that the word crush was in it.

Batok looked back and me, from the way his eyes looked, maybe he was smiling under the mask.

“I don’t have a crush on her….okay, maybe a little one.” Crow made an annoyed noise that indicated quite differently.

Wait, what? I just looked up confused. Is that what this is about? I’m here because you have a crush? What? Also this was the second time in one night someone admitted to having feelings for me. I didn’t know how to take the information, other than be in shock.

“Oh, what kind of gun do you have?” His voice was suddenly excited as I felt him grab the Winchester on my back. Sheer frustration took over, “Oh for fucks sake, really?!” I had my weapons taken the last time, understandably so. I liked my rifle, I kept getting the damn things taken too. But this one was a Christmas gift from Logan. This one was important to me.


I was baffled, I expected it to be yanked, instead I felt something heavy drop into my lap. Looking down, it was a pretty bashed up but usable box of 308 rounds. I looked back at Batok in complete confusion. I tried to protest and tried to give it back, but realized it wasn’t going to work. I just felt shock, this was so weird. Threaten, be nice, repeat.

My head hurt too much for this… I gave up and put the ammunition in a pouch in my bag, it was helpful. I had a good bit but there rounds were rather scarce. “Um…thanks?” Batok seemed pleased by the response and pulled me back to my feet.

“You can walk right? Think you can run?”



I couldn’t think straight, my head was pounding. I’d run, no idea where we were. A town which was useless information unless I recognized something about the town. That was not in my favor.

I felt dizzy, reminder these were side effects of running with a concussion. I was out of it and felt my attention fading in and out. I tried to make sense of where I was, but several towns look the same, I had nothing to tell me where I was.

Someone grabbed my arm and was pulling me, voices, something about a building. I snapped to attention at that word; outside I had a chance to get away, a small one, but possibly. Inside, unless security was incredibly stupid, and I knew they were not, chances were pretty much impossible. I started to try to pull away but was easily overpowered.

I heard voices. I noticed about 4 people in front of us, talking. They were interacting with the brothers. One of the voices…I knew that voice. Lyaria! I looked around trying to place her, and spotted her.

Please see me, please see me…figure something is wrong here…please…help me…


A wave of nausea rolled over me and I stood still, just trying to breathe, feeling faint.

“Solace… what… are you guys doing here?” I heard Lyaria’s say, she had hesitated, she knew I was afraid of them, she knew why. I wanted to cry, I wanted to grab her and run. She was with people, we had a chance…

“What’s my name?” The game again…just do what he wants… grudgingly I responded,



Sneaking a quick glare in the general direction, I smiled and said it louder. “Loud and proud!” I heard someone shout, I’m assuming Elliott.

I opened my eyes and realized the people I had noticed with Lyaria were gone, she was standing alone. That was bad, very bad.

Crow was on the left side of me, keeping me from running. Eyes watching me closely.

“OOOooohhh….” Lyaria had a sudden moment of something clicking into place. She knew the story.

Batok started circling her and she made sure to keep a close eye on him. I don’t remember what he said, only it was a playful tone. Probably not being understood by Lyaria, I realized he was hinting at substituting her for the man who had run earlier. Maybe he would have me hurt her, maybe he would have her hurt me. I looked up at them, terrified.

“You know, she doesn’t look so good…what happened? Maybe I should take a look at her-” Ly walked over and stood in front of me.

“No.” Crow responded before she could finish her sentence. Ly was slightly between us, she turned so her back was facing me and I instinctively grabbed her backpack. I felt like I was holding onto it for dear life. Everything had paused.

I glanced back and forth.

“Really,” she continued “I think I should-”

“I said no.” Crow cut her off again. “I’ll check her myself.” He turned his gaze to me. “Solace. Come here. Now.”


I clung to Ly’s backpack harder, shaking in fear. Adrenaline racing through me. Thoughts flew through my mind, could we run, what happened if we did, could we lose all of them? What happens if I don’t, if I let him take me somewhere else, what are they going to do to her? Hell, what are they doing to do to me? I did not want to know.

Crow looked down and sighed deeply. It was the sound of someone who was about to reprimand a child for doing something wrong. Irritation, but at the same time, a deep sense of not wanting to do something. He looked back up at me, his gaze watching me was pitying, even sad. His voice was still one in charge.

“Don’t…make...me…count ...from...ten.”

I paused. Every option shot through my mind as tried to figure out what to do. I wanted nothing more than to run away. Specifically with Lyaria, not leaving her behind.

Crows gaze darkened, an angered expression taking over. “Ten…..”

All the swearing and panic raced through my mind again.


If I did not move, what would he do? Would he shoot me? Would he shoot Lyaria?


No, that’s not what they did. They want to break me…and they had someone I considered a friend right in front of me….


Like with Lt. I knew who I was, I knew what I could live with myself doing, and I had my answer.


“Alright!” I shouted almost hysterically at him. “Okay, okay!” I let go of Lyaria and stepped over so I was in front of him.

His expression continued to be sheer annoyance with me.


“I said okay!” I screamed at him, my voice more begging than yelling. I’m here, I’m right here, stop counting!




He went quiet, continuing to give me the look. I know there was disapproval, the way he held my gaze. He grabbed my arm and hauled me across a yard, up some steps and opening a door, nearly tossed me inside. The last thing I saw was Lyaria watching me, looking worried. I heard Elliot walk up and start talking to her, business like.

Crow just as quickly grabbed my arm and yanked me again, pulling me to a corner he pushes my arm downward, forcing me to sit.

“Sit here…and don’t try anything stupid.” I sat and wrapped my hands around my legs, curling up, keeping my back in the corner.

“Concussion I think….well…a small one…last one I had, I couldn’t think straight…”

He ignored me and moved a distance away, having me tell him how many fingers he was holding up. He stood to my side and I turned my head towards him. He grabbed and twisted my head back to looking forward, gently. “Peripheral vision only. Keep your head straight.” He finished his exam and mumbled something, walking back to crouch at my left side.

I was scared. I tried to listen for signs of what was happening outside.

Crows voice had a stillness to it, almost a detachment of sorts. Almost a pleading, he was looking at me again with a pitying stare.

“Just play along…. just play along, and it won’t be so bad.”

I turned to look at him, scared and angry, tears falling. I pressed my lips together and shook my head no.

He looked exasperated, and shook his head, glaring back at me.

“You want this to end? You want this to…be not so bad? You know what he wants…just…play along with it. Just play along with it and don’t let him get bored of you…damnit, just do what he tells you. You know he’ll hurt you, right? He’ll hurt you more for fighting him.”

“I know that.” I said coldly.

“Then play along…”

I shook my head no again. I could play some part of this, but not all of it. The way he was speaking, I understood.


“They’ve hurt you, haven’t they? Is that why you’re here?”

He looked at me silently, then pulled back parts of his clothing to reveal various wounds, brands, words cut into him. I nodded and showed him my own scars.

“I’m…not…letting…them...win…” I whispered. He started to shake his head and the door flew open, Batok walking in and looking at both of us.


“She’ll be alright.” Crow responded. “Little concussion maybe, guess I hit her a bit harder than I meant to with my rifle.”

Batok nodded, watching me quietly, I kept my gaze low and tried to avoid his. He walked over, standing in front of Crow, chit chatting about something.


I glanced up, just in time to see something silver flash across where Crows neck was. Batok was fast, but Crow was faster, he yanked backwards, just avoiding having his neck sliced open and pointed his AK at Batok. I shouted in surprise and scrambled to my feet, grabbing my glock I aimed it at Batok as well.

“What the fuck was that?!” Crow demanded. Batok laughed, putting his hands up.

“Hey, calm down…it was just a joke is all…just a joke…”

“You’re really going to believe that?” I said. Crow glanced at me and realized what I was doing, just as quickly I found the AK in my face. “Put it down!”

“Hey! I’m trying to help you!”

“I don’t need your help! Put it down! Now!”

Swearing I shoved the gun back into the holster and glared at him. We had a chance to run, he just ruined it.

He moved the AK back to Batok and they started arguing. Crow demanding to know why he just did that and Batok repeating it had been a joke. I don’t remember how, but they managed to calm everything between them. Batok went upstairs, probably to calm down.

Crow turned and gave me a dark look. “I said don’t do something stupid. Like that!”

I glared at him angrily. “I was helping you! What is wrong with you? He just tried to kill you! And you’re still listening to him?!”

“Shut up.” Crow glared back. I glared at him with a disgusted look.

Batok came back downstairs and I curled slightly more into a ball. He walked over and knelt in front of me again. What now…. His hands wrapped around mine and tugged gently to get my attention.


I looked down, scared.

“Hey… look at me.” He moved closer and I looked up at him.

“I’m sorry.”

I tilted my head in complete confusion. What?


“I’m sorry.” He repeated.


I just stared at him in shock, and then I just felt more angry. I yanked my hands out if his and shook my head at him.

“No you’re not.” I almost pushed him away from me, and looked away, trying not to cry again.

You can’t be sorry, I thought. If you were sorry you wouldn’t be doing this. You wouldn’t be treating me like this. You would let me leave. You’d let Lyaria and I leave, now.


He sighed in frustration and walked away, then looped back. He grabbed my arm and pulled me to my feet. I tried to look away again and I felt him grab my face. I think I cried out from fear, I don’t know. For whatever reason I yelped when he did it. He jumped back slightly, staring at me. “What the fuck? That hurt? You hurt your jaw or something?” I tried to pull away again, only to be pulled closer.


His hand cupped my chin again, much more gently this time, still strong enough to pull my chin up towards him. He said something, I don’t remember what. ‘Look at me’ maybe? I took a shaking breath and looked up, locking my eyes with his. I noticed for the first time, his face wasn’t covered.


I saw him lean forward and, tenderly, something warm pressed against my mouth. I felt a face against mine, hand still cupping my chin. I was honestly so confused, I had no idea what was happening for a moment. I’d never had this happen; the sensation was so odd I couldn’t think.


Then my brain finally caught up to what was happening and I yelped and pulled away in surprise and fear.

It stopped as suddenly as it happened. Which I think confused me more. I had shoved myself back against the wall again, and he was gone, Crow next to me still. What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck… I heard Batok upstairs again, talking. I listened and was more confused at what he was saying, over and over to himself, like a mantra. “I won’t kiss a girl that doesn’t want to kiss me.”

I felt like my brain imploded. What? Wait…he was actually, respecting how I responded? That confused me immensely, because it seemed like the exact opposite of what I knew his personality to be. I would have though he would have held me there, regardless of how I felt, but, he didn’t. As odd as it was, some part of me felt a lot of respect for what he had just done. I was still incredibly freaked out though.

The door opened and Elliot came in with Lyaria. “This place looks good to camp down for the night.” My chest froze again. The last thing I wanted was to be stuck anywhere with them. Overnight? This couldn’t be good… Lyaria looked at him “Am I a captive?” He shrugged at her, “No.”

Someone I did not know ran in suddenly, Batok was walking back down the steps and the guy raised his fists and started to playfully punch at him. Batok returned the gesture, the two boxing for a moment. The other man’s hand connected to Batok’s face and he crumped to the ground unconscious. The guy looked surprised.

Elliot yelled and suddenly fired his gun at the other person. The man fled upstairs and yelled from the top “It was an accident! It was an accident!” Crow was watching the distraction too.


Lyaria looked around, “So this seems appropriate for you to spend the night…I think it’s time for Solace and I to leave now.” With that she turned and opened the door, I used the opportunity to run out the door, and kept going.

I stopped a good half block away and peered around the corner as Lyaria calmly walked away from the building. “Come on!” I yelled, expecting any moment to have Elliot or Crow trying to grab us and pull us back inside. She walked calmly to me and I grabbed her and pulled, hard. “Come on, we need to go, now. They’re only going to be distracted for so long!”

I tugged harder and she started to jog. We heard gunshots behind us and both of us broke into a run. I remembered what John had taught me and started towards the woods. Glancing back I noticed Ly going a different direction than me, through a field. Swearing I turned and ran after her.

“Ly! Stop! Come this way damnit! Don’t run through the field they can see you! They can’t see you so easily in the woods, we need to be in the woods!”

“My people are this way!”

I grudgingly ran after her. After a bit we head something behind us and Crow went running past us being followed by two infected. Lyaria started shooting one of them, and I raised my gun and shot the other.

Crow just stopped and stared at us, nodding in thanks, trying to catch his breath. I watched him hesitantly. Had he been sent to catch us? Or me? Were they all looking for us?

I forget what was said, but he apologized, explaining he did not have a choice. We had essentially saved him, he knew where we were. He’s take us wherever we needed to go, he said. Lyaria mentioned somewhere, he nodded, “Bit of a run but okay.”

I walked up, suspicious. I wasn’t taking chances this time. “Alright, one thing: both of us have guns. You try something on one of us, the other will shoot you.”

He almost yelled in frustration at me, turning he looked like he wanted to shake me, like he was trying to get me to understand something. “Solace…” his voice was pleading, exhausted.

I wasn’t taking a risk. I did not trust him. I looked at him; “You don’t do anything, we won’t shoot you. Simple.” He practically glared at me for a moment, and sighed. “I won’t try anything… come on.” He started to run, we followed.



Edited by RogueSolace

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Excellent ! I'm missing  a few elements of your backstory to understand everything but I'm glad I read all of it !

I see some familiar names here and there, it's nice to see some former allies still alive and kicking !

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Really good read! After talking to you ICly about it its nice to see a in depth version of it, well written and look forward to more!

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