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I Ain't No Virgil: The Journal of Ezra Mitchell

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Entry #1

Leave by blood...

Back in Mississippi, it was nothing but blood and thunder, mud and bone, and screaming through the night. It was easy then; the pigs were the big, bad authority and we were vassals of freedom, on "steel horses". We winded and roared through all the empty spaces, picking up everyone who fell through the cracks and was willing to ride, bleed, and die. 

Blood's on my mind tonight. 

It's hard to see the man I used to be back in Mississippi, so vapid and attached to weak platitudes, thriving on a sophist's logic and sense of entitlement. I left him behind in Russia, I think -- bleeding in the inferno of 4 blown tankers, and two dozen dead and dying. A good man walked through fire to save my life, and I walked away a different person. The man from Mississippi is still in the rear-view though. Just waving at the edge of perception. It'd be too easy.

Aspen was the kid's name. And I had him burn off all my tattoos. I told him he could have my denim and leather if he ever got patched in. He was a good kid, had a heart that wasn't quite blackened by this whole mess. I tried to drive him out, but he kept on coming back. I could say that he made his choice, but somehow in this world without law or king, I find the whole concept of choice dubious. 

Snake bashed in his skull with a baseball bat.

I'm sorry, kid. 

I see the man from Mississippi, and he has my brother's face now. I fit into the man's skin because I wanted to. The man was just the game piece I used in my power fantasy. Badass biker man -- I realize I could have turned it off at any time. I had a choice then, but told Tyler I didn't, told him he didn't. I still see the boy that shared his smore because the special ed kid dropped his. I still see pizza-faced shitkicker trying to hold back tears when that bitch stood him up when he dared think he could date someone above the poverty line. I see the man that Allison brought out of him in a way I never could. Tyler's kindess is totally genuine...but so is his meaness, and that's what scares me. I'm starting to fear that while I was only pretending to be the man from Mississippi, Tyler has become him.

I thought I'd leave by blood, but blood pulled me right back in.

Chained to the beast I created.

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Wow, great read Ezra. Really good stuff. Hope you write more for sure.

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