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Razareth

A South African Lost in South Zagoria [W.I.P - Would like Feedback]

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Razareth    218

//Full disclosure. This is my first attempt at something like this. I have no experience with writing stories, but felt like giving it a try. There will be spelling and grammar mistakes, so this is your warning up front. English is only my second language, so apologies. I would however appreciate some feedback so that I can improve on my work. The story has been broken into smaller pieces for the sake of readers.

PART 1

(The year is 2016 – Day 729 into the INFECTION)

Willem lets out a deep and tiring sigh as he looks out the window and up into the beautiful starry night sky. His small black booklet, which within contains all his personal thoughts, is laying spread open in front of him on his desk. To the left of Willem on the floor at the foot of the desk lays his old dirty backpack covered with patches and stitches obtained throughout his journey. On top of it lays his trusty and reliable vest, the small buckshot pellet holes still clearly visible. Outside the bright full Moon shines its light through the window, providing just the perfect amount of light to allow Willem to write in peace without the need of a fire which might alert some travelers of his presence. At night he is usually skittish to meet other people, an unknown yet now founded childhood fear of the dark and what secrets it holds within.

Willem looks down from the night sky and out over the wide open field before him, as he does he can’t help but notice the wild unruly wind gentle caressing the small bushes and vastly tall pine trees with its mighty touch. Perhaps it represents a metaphor for his current situation, but what it’s supposed to mean alludes his grasp. Even so at this very moment in time South Zagoria or Chernarus seems so quiet and peaceful to him. The stories came flooding back from what his foreign friends and clients told him whenever they visited him in South Africa. Indeed this is a beautiful Country to visit, however Willem didn’t plan on staying for what is starting to feel like a permanent “vacation”.

Willem places his pen in the centerfold of his booklet and takes off his glasses before rubbing his eyes out of exhaustion. Lately it’s been feeling like forever since he had last slept properly. The constant fear and anxiety of losing the people closes to him lingering overhead like a dark cloud. As Willem places his glasses back on his face and looks out the window again, the sense of a silent and peaceful night outside starts fading away. Willem knew what truly lurks within the unseen slivers of this torn up Country. The once timid man from a small unknown town has seen first-hand some of the depths of hell that now dwell within these borders and he was sure that he hasn’t even scratch the surface or seen the last of any of it. A shiver of fear or perhaps even despair envelops him as just the mere thought of it crawls its way into his mind. Erasing all pleasant thoughts he had of the Country.

Willem throws himself back into his chair and stretches himself out before putting his feet up on the desk before him, making sure not to damage his booklet. As Willem settles in, his gaze slowly starts drifting away from outside and to his right hand. Willem lifts it up and slowly pulls his tattered glove off, freeing his hand to be examined by him. The mostly healed scar that still haunts his dreams at night can visibly be seen on the back of his right hand. Its shape now a strange looking “Peace” symbol, but was once an upside down cross. Willem holds his hand up high before him and stares at the scar, which in turn just stares back at him. A permanet reminder of where he actually is and what has become of the world since “Day Zero”.

“Reminiscing about the day we met, I see.” Nicolas chuckles as he approaches Willem.

“Man, you were so naïve back then.”  Nicolas sits down on the desk and looks at Willem with a smile on his face.

I mean really, who trusts anyone anymore? Who still sees any good in people?” Nicolas tilts his head trying to look at Willem's face seeing if he is aggravating him.

“Here we are now. How long has it been already, two months? Yet still you remain this weak naïve boy.” Nicolas shakes his head in disappointment.

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Raptor    156

Looking good man. Was Willem like a former Satanist or something? The bit about the upside down cross shaped into a peace symbol was really interesting.

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DeeBlack    294

You might of found a soulmate xD

http://www.dayzrp.com/characters?view=4317

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Razareth    218

Looking good man. Was Willem like a former Satanist or something? The bit about the upside down cross shaped into a peace symbol was really interesting.

Aw, thanks :).

I don't want to actually spoil the origins of the "cross", but the passage does reveal a lot about it.

If it looks like people like my story, I want to do a sort of catch up part that handles everything that happened in the 728 days.


You might of found a soulmate xD

http://www.dayzrp.com/characters?view=4317

Hehe. Yeah, I saw that :D.

Caught me a bit by surprise.

Always good to see a fellow South African.

Just a shame that Willem is missing.

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Skinner    437

Great start, keep it up. My feedback:

Change the title from:

AN SOUTH AFRICAN LOST IN SOUTH ZAGORIA [W.I.P - WOULD LIKE FEEDBACK]

to:

A SOUTH AFRICAN LOST IN SOUTH ZAGORIA [W.I.P - WOULD LIKE FEEDBACK]

good luck!

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Razareth    218

Great start, keep it up. My feedback:

Change the title from:

AN SOUTH AFRICAN LOST IN SOUTH ZAGORIA [W.I.P - WOULD LIKE FEEDBACK]

to:

A SOUTH AFRICAN LOST IN SOUTH ZAGORIA [W.I.P - WOULD LIKE FEEDBACK]

good luck!

Fixed :).

Thank you for the feedback.


lekker man, good to see more South Africans.

We are a surprising few actually :).

Think I've met two other South Africans while exploring South Zagoria :).

It's easy to identify me :D.

Since my first language is Afrikaanse it shows through my accent.

Plus I butcher any attempt at saying a Towns name ;).

Also helps that I'm born and raised as a South African I suppose :D.

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Shadows    1009

I like it. A lot of little details that really add to the feel of the story. I'm looking forward to more work from you!

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Zar    5

Great intro into who Willem is. I look forward to meeting him. Ons kan dan lekker Afrikaans praat (we can speak in our native tongue) in game and dream of the warm South African sun, springbok rugby, braai, boerewors, klipdrift, and biltong.

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Razareth    218

Great intro into who Willem is. I look forward to meeting him. Ons kan dan lekker Afrikaans praat (we can speak in our native tongue) in game and dream of the warm South African sun, springbok rugby, braai, boerewors, klipdrift, and biltong.

Ai dis darem wonderlik om my moeder taal te lees :).

Though you might be a bit disappointed as the only things that interested Willem on that list is Braai, boerewors and biltong :D.

Still would be nice to run into a fellow South African.

Have met a few, but they don't speak Afrikaans.

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Razareth    218

I like it. A lot of little details that really add to the feel of the story. I'm looking forward to more work from you!

Aw :). Thank you very much for the kind words.

I went for fine details as with every guide I've read on the forums the Creator always says details helps.

So I'm kind of approaching the writing piece as a DayZRP moment.


I like it :) You should write about in game experiences perhaps in your perspective!! that would be awesome man.

Thank you man :).

This current part actually plays off as the aftermath of a in-game moment.

The character is reflecting on himself and through this process hints at other experiences that I would actually bring to life through this thread in time.

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Razareth    218

PART 2

Willem closes his eyes as he places his left hand over the scar and takes in the sound of utter nothingness that currently surrounds him. As Willem sits within the peaceful moment of silence he is overcome by the sudden urge to laugh. A short throaty chuckle emanates from him and shatters the silence as he mentally starts to reflect his past and current situation. Willem drops his left hand and quickly places his right hand over his mouth trying desperately to silence himself, but fails as he keeps on giggling. Willem's thoughts flashes back to previous times he has done this as a method of coping with stress.

Willem always thought of it as a nervous tick he had, but never really knew why he got the urge to just laugh at himself when things started to look bleak. Deep within his tattered subconscious, a dark and ludicrous thought that maybe it was the constant burden of caring for his “Family” while keeping his own facilities sane that made him crack like this.

“Just give up already! Why do you keep torturing yourself like this?” Nicolas voice snaps Willem out of his thought.

“You can’t do this, you never could and you never will!” Nicolas is still sitting on the desk beside Willem with a grimmest grin on his face.

Willem knew that he was no leader and didn’t pretend to be or act like one. That was Katya’s title, as she is the head of their “Family” and the reason why Willem was with them in the first place. It frustrated Willem that people would say or think he is the leader. Willem merely insure that the “Family” was looked after and had a place they could call home. Willem knew that from the outside it probably looked strange how their family operated, but he didn’t care. With that thought Willem remembers why he would just laugh at himself at times, it was to remind him to keep looking for the silver lining in things.

As Willem starts to settle down and calm himself, his gaze returns to his scar once again. Willem frowns as he starts to think about all the others that cover his body and lets out a soft sigh as he realize that there will possibly be more of them in his future. As Willem keeps staring at his right hand his minds drifts off to the emotional scars that lurk beneath his skin and dwell deep within his subconscious. Without must thought Willem placing his right hand on his chest and feels the slow rhythmic thumps of his heartbeat pulsing through his jacket.

“I’m still human, right…or…am I not?” Willem whispers to himself.

“I…I did what was best for everyone. Right?” Willem keeps whispering in the dark as his heartbeat reminds him that if nothing else, he is at least alive.

As Willem finish whispering to himself, a newfound sense of sadness overflows and envelopes him. The same beating heart that reminds him that he is alive, also reminds him of the emotional pain he has received from it.

“This is what happens when you let someone get to close to you.” Nicolas stands up from the desk and walks to the large window as he says it.

“Why do you keep blindly following her?” Nicolas looks out the window and sighs.

“So many people have warned you already. Why do you keep doing this to yourself?” Nicolas looks back at Willem with a look of concern on his face.

“Just look at yourself dammit! Don’t you see the pain her words and actions are doing to you?” Nicolas keeps staring at Willem, waiting for an answer.

The image of Katya’s face with the look of seer anger and disappointment hidden behind her fierce green eyes flashes in Willem’s head. Her disgust shrouded under a veil of furry as she spoke her words to him. Willem remembers each word and repeats them to himself in his head. As Willem does they slowly start to sound louder and louder, causing an unpleasant ring in his ears.

Willem runs both his hands across his face and lowers his feet from the desk to the ground. As Willem sits forward cupping his face in his own hands, his mind drifts off. His actions that have been labelled “Betrayal” by his best friend and crush starts playing out in his head.

A part of Willem can’t help but be perplexed by the circumstances that transpired. The days that followed left Willem with even more questions and he knew there won’t be any answers for them. Nervously and frantically Willem tries to search for answered within his own subconscious, but only one thing keeps coming back to him.

“What could I have done differently?” The words in Willem's own voice echoes and overwhelms him as he keeps asking the question over and over.

“You could have taken the initiative and just shot the hostage yourself.” Nicolas snaps at Willem, annoyed by his ramble.

Willem keeps struggling with the question, his mind starts to slowly brew into an uncontrollable whirlwind of confusion and anxiety. The ever lingering thought that all of this has been caused, because he wouldn’t let Katya kill or harm her rival Petra.

Willem rises from the chair and slams both of his hands on the desk out of seer frustration before him, his vision blurry as tears start to well up in his eyes. Willem knew deep down in his heart that Katya wasn’t wrong in the way she acted towards Petra. However Willem was unsure if it was his undying love for Katya that made him think like that or did he himself truly believed that Petra deserved to be harmed for what she did to them?

Out of annoyance Willem grabs his old baseball cap and throws it to his side on the ground. Willem looks up from the desk and stares outside the window, through his blurry vision he notice his own reflection barely visible in the broken pieces of glass in the window. As Willem looks at it he hardly recognizes the man staring back at him.

“I need answers dammit.” Willem asks his reflection out of depression, but no answer returns.

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