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DatBlueWolf

Joseph Divone's Super Chill Guide to Receiving Hostile Interaction

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DatBlueWolf    39

Disclaimer: This is mostly satire.

Prologue: You're walking around being one chill mo-fo. Not a care in the world. Lo' and behold! Fellow survivors up ahead. Let's go greet them!

"Howdy howdy, dude!"

Seconds later you've been initiated on! Oh no! What do you do!?

First: Assess the situation thoroughly! Use those golden vocal chords to keep them calm and buy yourself some time.

"Oh shit, there's a lotta you folks. Woah! Woah! Easy milly-man. I don't want no trouble."

Second: Comply one step at a time!

They demand your belongings! They want your hands up! And they want you to do the hokey pokey all at the same time!

"Aight, dude! Hands are up. Easy peasy, man. You got nothin' to worry 'bout from me."

A general good idea is to put your hands up first. 

Then politely ask, like the most refined gentleman you are, if you may lower your hands to continue complying. Try to directly address the leader of the initiation, it'll help you and them focus on who is really giving the demands.

Third: Place your bag full of Zucchini and Pumpkin Slices on the ground.

THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT STEP!!!

"Okay. Okay. Bag is on the ground, man... Yes, it's all veggies man. Fresh 'n home grown dude... Ammo? Nahhh, dude. I just keep a scope on this thing so I got space for more food, milly man."

At this point your aggressors should be very confused. Press the advantage!

"Look folks. I'm sorry I don't got what you're lookin' for. Buuuuut, all this shoutin' and running around probably has you guys hungry, right? Well, there's a metric fuck-ton of veggies in the bag. Go ahead an chow down. Free of charge and ya don't have to pull out of your personal stash to get your energy back. Hm? Sound aight?"

Gracious! You're turning the tables! Look at you go! You've turned a robbery into a generous donation of food to hungry little rascals!

Fourth: Radio in your sniper te... woah! woah! woah! No! You don't get a sniper team! You're the chillest fucker around at this point! You don't need no sniper team! You are the sniper team, you just left your rifle at home. Deal with it!

Ahem!

Actually Fourth: Now that everyone has calmed down and has some fresh veg in their system. Now is the time to try and skedaddle.

Be aware, confused bandits do strange things. They may try to give you weapons and ammo. The very things they were robbing you for!!! But, stay determined. There's only one rifle for a man as chill as you. The glorious VSS. Never held one. Never found one. But you know deep inside, despite everyone saying it's garbage, that it's the gun for you!

...back on track now. If they offer you gifts it's chill to accept them, show them your humility!!! No harm in throwing it away as soon as they're gone.

"Yo, it was really great meeting you folks. I hope you guys find that super rare ammo n such you're lookin' for... Oh yeah, totally dude, no problem... I'll stand right here enjoying the view. No idea who you folks are. Nope. None. Adioski."

Fifth: Get out of there and remain chill. Sure, you've got KoS rights. Sure, you could totally call in favors from all the cool bandit friends you've made to go merc those fools for taking your hard earned crops! 

BUT!

That wouldn't be chill now would it!?

Sixth: Grow more crops.

Seventh: Rinse. Repeat.

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Blu    42

Could be better laid out but does raise some good points, good job

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DatBlueWolf    39

I mostly just want to see this play out in-game, word for word.  :)

Can do, will do.... If someone actually gets far enough into hostilities! My chill is too strong for the bambis!!!

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Plank    0

I mostly just want to see this play out in-game, word for word.  :)

Can do, will do.... If someone actually gets far enough into hostilities! My chill is too strong for the bambis!!!

Keep that Shadowplay handy.  I believe in you!

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DatBlueWolf    39

I mostly just want to see this play out in-game, word for word.  :)

Can do, will do.... If someone actually gets far enough into hostilities! My chill is too strong for the bambis!!!

Keep that Shadowplay handy.  I believe in you!

Thanks dude!

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Giraffel    95

Cool guide, I might even grow some vegetables some time and try this. Id love to see the reaction of guys robbing me when they see only food in my bag.

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