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Guest Demarcus King

Demarcus Brown

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Guest Demarcus King   
Guest Demarcus King

Formal Name: Demarcus Theodore Brown

Nickname: DTB, TB, Big D

Age: 22

Nationality: Trinidad

Academic Qualifications: Highschool graduate, Junior in University of California, Los Angeles

Language: English

Physological aspects: Very charming espically to women, serious in certain situation, hard headed in most.

Pyshical aspect: 6'4 inches tall, weighs 203lbs, very musclaur with broad shoulders, light brown hair and brown eyes.

Intresting/curious possesions: Wears his navy blue and yellow #7 UCLA football jersey, golden old fashion watch.

Curious facts: When he isn't busy he removes his ticking golden watch from his pocket, then kisses it and whispers. Nobody knows what he whispers and he always denies it. He often does push ups when he isn't doing anything.

Traits: Charmer, animal hunter, grand pyshical strength, very speedy

Background:

Demarcus Brown a 22 year old black Trinidad man who was born in the year of 1991 at 11:23pm, Compton California. His mother was never there for him. After five years of his birth she got fed up of the slow paced life then she left for another man. His father on the other hand who was a small time mechanic, couldn't cope with the love of his life leaving for another man which made it even tougher for Demarcus. Demarcus was a good kid growing up even though he grew up in a bad neighbourhood which is rare in California, but when highschool hit he turned to smoking weed all day, skipping class, his grades where declining. His father called him over into his room sat him down, looked him in the eye with a serious facial expression and told him;

Demarcus, I know your mother wasn't there. But it's only you and me in this world alright? You and me. Don't follow these kids son, you ain't a follower now your a leader."

These small simple words just brought tears to his eyes. It encouraged him to join his highschool football team. He loved it so much, the tackling the running and the girls. By his senior year he finally became the star quarterback on his team. Life in and out of school was a kings paradise. He had everybody knowing his name, girls flocked themselves to him without him even introducing their names. Just a quick hug, a small ear whisper: "Hey babe, you played a good game tonight, call me over later". They'll swiftly swipe a piece of paper from their open clevage bras and slide it into various pockets, biting their lips in a sexy teasing fashion. Life was paradise. This latina girl with a chola like attitiude snuck inside his room chewing wildly on a piece of bubble gum. She sat down on the edge of the bed with her yoga pants, tank top and her jordan shoes on, waiting for him to come out the shower. Demarcus slowly steps into his room then lines his sight upon this mysterious girl. He softly said "How the hell did you get in my house?" She squints her eyes at Demarcus as she glances upon his ripped muscular torso and replied "Your pops let me in, now do you want me or not papi?" She slowly got up from the bed and gently walked towards him, flicking her long brown hair out intobthe open. Demarcus examined the girls body figure; This girl looked like a model with a the body of Kim kardashian. She pulled in the door and stepped towards Demarcus and began kissing him. Things where getting wild.

Demarcus had a few scholarships offers to his table. He even had his own documentary about his life and his journey to college. He sat down inside his school gym with a crowd of people awaiting his college choices. "I've chose UCLA". He gripped the UCLA hat and putted it on with the most charming smile you'll ever see and smiled into the camera while the whole crowd was going crazy. He trained during the summer and left for college and stayed their till his Junior year. His father was planning on buying a house down in a place called "Cherno" and wanted him to check the place out with him. Long story short they hopped on a plane there and he didn't like it.

However on their way back to the airport all hell broke loose. This one man ran to this other man and stabbed his teeth into his neck. Blood spitted everywhere while this guy's face was getting facial surgery by this psychos teeth. Demarcus' stomach churned, and his mouth soon filled with the bitter taste of bile.They ran straight out the airport and ran straight into a taxi. The driver of the taxi drove away so fast with no regards of anyone infront of him. People jammed the roads, cars where crashing, screaming children and parents. A true horror film. The roads where blocked so Demarcus and his father quickly left for the forest and stayed their ever since. Overtime his father was killed due to natural causes of sickness and passed away. His last words before he gave Demarcus the old fashioned watch was "Your great great grandfather kept this, I - I love you son".

For a year Demarcus been living on his own in the wilderness by himself. Hunting wild rabbits and hogs and cooking it up. It takes stealth for the rabbit and strength for the hog. Life was tough. And that's how the story begins....

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Guest Demarcus King   
Guest Demarcus King

What you guys think?

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Guest Demarcus King   
Guest Demarcus King

Aww nobody likes my story :(

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Guest Demarcus King   
Guest Demarcus King

Bummmmpppp!!

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Gullio1    0

Alright then. First. The tone seems to be changing rapidly. The first part looks official-y, the second looks more casual. Two. Show, not tell. For example...

Demarcus threw up straight away he doesn't have an iron stomach to handle his beer or the sight of blood.

Apart from the grammar, the reference to him being a lightweight doesn't help the sentence at all. It actually breaks up what is a rather serious scene. Try instead :

"Demarcus' stomach churned, and his mouth soon filled with the bitter taste of bile."

Anyone who's ever vomited in their life tastes a bite of bile in their mouth after reading that. I'm not saying this is bad, I'm saying it is very good... for a draft. Punch this into Word to fix the grammar and other mistakes, and read it aloud. Think of what emotions you want to convey to the reader.

That's how you make a compelling story.

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Guest Demarcus King   
Guest Demarcus King

Thank you so much :)

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