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FoeHammer

My whitelist application back story

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FoeHammer    0

Just submitted my whitelist application for approval. Wanted to post it here for some criticism. Don't be too harsh!

 Personal Journal Day 1: To anyone reading this, my name is William Winters, and I am a survivor..

[align=justify]Personal Journal Day 2: I started this journal yesterday with the intention of being my story if the worst should happen.. I guess I should start with the beginning. Name's Will, I was born and raised in a small city in South Carolina. Father was a Marine, a good one too. He was hard on me but it helped in the long run. He was disappointed when I didn't join the Corps but I believe he was smiling down from the clouds when I became a cop. I was a beat cop for about 5 years when I was promoted to Sergeant and got married. Made Lieutenant in just 3 years and 1 divorce later...Enough of the past, I guess we can get to the here and now. I was serving on the SWAT team when I was recently given the assignment of Senior Crisis Negotiator. It was a great position, until it happened.. I still remember the look on her face...

[align=justify]Personal Journal Day 3: Well another night out of the way, I guess I'll pick up where I left off yesterday. So I needed a break from the day to day police work and needed some "abroad" time and I found it. The IPA "International Police Organization" was funding a group of cops from around the US to travel to countries around the world to both train and learn from other agencies. I put my name on the list and the rest is history. I'd hit quite a few spots in the past few months. Just left Spain and I had 2 more stops 'til I was home. Some Eastern Block country called Chernarus (never even heard of the place) and the final stop was Toyko. So we fly into a small airport and take a ride to some city which none of us even wanted to try to pronounce, just called it Novo. There we meet up with an outfit of Chernarus call OREL. Those guys were alright, they knew how to throw the beers back. Anyways we were travelling the coast South hitting the towns to train in the day and drink in the night. We were almost done with our tour when some reports of riots were breaking out. Me and the guys thought it would be a great chance to see how the Easterns did they're riot control so we delayed the flight out... So damn stupid..

Personal Journal Day 4: I was getting a lil pissed yesterday so I gave up the writing but with all this extra free time I guess why not? So we stayed for the riots. They got bad.. I've seen a lot of things in my day, nothing like this. Someone said it was a fungus, some said some new virus, others said it was God.. I call it hell. I've been on my own for a few days now after our camp got raided in the middle of the night. I woke up to screams and shots.. One of the tents was on fire.. I just grabbed my bag and knew it was time to go. Foods been hard to come by, but I've been scrappin' pretty good. I can't stand this alone shit though.. I need to find my buddies, if they're alive.. If not, ..I guess its time to make new friends.

***The whitelist application said it had to be 1000 characters.. I think this was more like 2000, oops.

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Janana    28

[align=justify]Personal Journal Day 3: Well another night out of the way, I guess I'll pick up where I left off yesterday. So I needed a break from the day to day ... -snip-

Personal Journal Day 4: 

-snip-

***The whitelist application said it had to be 1000 characters.. I think this was more like 2000, oops.

Usually when they say 1000 words, they want more. They want to see you put in the effort to go above and beyond to gain what you want. In this case, the ability to enter the community. Anyway. Let's get down to business!

I've underlined and applied BOLD to the point I am going to make first. Separate your entries to ease the process of reading the progression of your story. As someone who likes writing, I'd go as far as saying use more proper punctuation and sentences but that is just me at this moment. Aside from that, I'm finding your backstory to be unique. I have yet to see anyone else with this kind of story and I look forward to more content assuming you have the pleasure of getting accepted. I'd suggest adding a bit more of where your character came from and what led him to be a cop since it is the backstory, right? May as well be detailed about it.

A point a bit more off topic from your background; given recent characters in the community right now, I'd be as bold to say try to come up with a different last name to avoid confusion. There is already a Winters, and a Winter. (One of them passed away. Don't remember who. c: )

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FoeHammer    0

Thanks for the input Tosh! I do enjoy writing, thanks for pointing out areas to improve upon. I want to continue to develop this character for sure and I will have to look into another name if that has already been used. =p

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FoeHammer    0

I have had to resubmit my whitelist application due to it being rejected due to missing information in my rules explanation =0 . But it gave me the chance to change a part of my story after a member informed me that my name (William Winters) was used by 4 others, Winters that is.. So my character's name is now, John Titan. I've looked it up and no ones used Titan as a Surname yet so there we go. =)

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