Jump to content
Server time: 2017-08-17, 19:33

  • 0
Sign in to follow this  
aeron

feedback please

Question

aeron    0

Hey, If you are reading this that mean you have made it. I want to remind you that you are not alone surviving in this shithole. Anyways this is my story och how i ended up in this weird place

My name is David Aldridge, I was born in a little place in Ohio called Bartlett. My childhood was not really the best. I was a single child and was always really lonely. We moved alot and i never really got any friend in school. And was bullied alot. I was really upset with my parents for moving all the time and i had no time to get any friends. When we where in LA my parents said that we where not going to move anymore, that this was our last home. Dad had found a really good job. This made me really happy and exited. In my new school I met Jason, Jason was my only friend. Jason was a little bit special but that didn't change our friendship. Jason stod upp for me when people tried to pick on me, He helped me alot with school but not just school, He also helped me trough the rough times in my life and that i really have to thank him for.

I had the best time in Los Angeles with Jason. But......My parent told me that we where going to move tomorrow. This made me really hate my parents, Not only hate them but despite them. They told me that dad got fired och he got a job in a weird place called Chernarus in Russia. He got a job in some kind of office, not sure what. I was 16 at the time. After i got the news that we where moving again i went straight to Jasons house and told him my goodbyes. I was really going to miss Jason. He was the only friend i have ever had.

When we got to Chernarus i was really creeped out. It was a weird place with weird people. I dont think i can ever forgive my parents for doing this to me. I had such a great time in Los Angeles. When i started in school in Russia i didn't understand anything, All i did there was sitt at my desk and do nothing cause i didn't understand Russian and the people at the school didn't know english at all so i was just left there, to do nothing.

After a couple of years when i was 21 and had a job at a bakery i was on my way home. It was a shitty day cause i got fired from the job. And to add on that a girl that i really liked told me that she didn't want to be together with me. At least my parents were happy at this shitty place. When i came home it was really quite and my parent are usually home at this time. I had a strange felling but i didn't know what it was, all i knew was that i didn't like it. When i got upstairs i heard something, I went in to my parents room and saw my mom ripping my dad apart. Blood everywhere. I couldn't move, i was in shock. I didn't know what to do. Then my mom started to talk towards me. her face was all kinds of fucked up och i didn't know what to do. I tried to run but i couldn't move my body. My mom was really close to me and i had to do something so i pushed her away and tried to talk to her.

- MOM!!! ITS ME DAVID

No response from mom. She was just grunting och i didn't know what to do. She started to attack me and tried talking to her but it wouldn't work. I realized that this was not my mom anymore. That something has happend to her and that whatever i was talking to was not my mom, I took a lamp that was to my right and smashed it's head with it. I couldn't understand that i just did that to it but it was still attacking me. It didn't even effect it at all so att stabbed it with the glass from the lamp in the stomach but she was still coming at me. I couldn't understand what was going on. But i stabbed her again in the head and this time it fell down and didn't move. I was in complete shock.

I have been out in the wild surviving for a while now almost 4 years. Every night I think of that moment when i killed her or it. I am alone for the most part cause I don't really fit in with other people. i do better alone and it is hard to trust anyone in this world we live in.

Anyways I am here now and if you are reading this please take this paper with you will you and share my story. Stay safe and remember Don't trust anyone.

David Aldridge

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

15 answers to this question

Recommended Posts

  • 0
aeron    0

Hey, If you are reading this that mean you have made it. I want to remind you that you are not alone surviving in this shithole. Anyways this is my story och how i ended up in this weird place

My name is David Aldridge, I was born in a little place in Ohio called Bartlett. My childhood was not really the best. I was a single child and was always really lonely. We moved alot and i never really got any friend in school. And was bullied alot. I was really upset with my parents for moving all the time and i had no time to get any friends. When we where in LA my parents said that we where not going to move anymore, that this was our last home. Dad had found a really good job. This made me really happy and exited. In my new school I met Jason, Jason was my only friend. Jason was a little bit special but that didn't change our friendship. Jason stod upp for me when people tried to pick on me, He helped me alot with school but not just school, He also helped me trough the rough times in my life and that i really have to thank him for.

I had the best time in Los Angeles with Jason. But......My parent told me that we where going to move tomorrow. This made me really hate my parents, Not only hate them but despite them. They told me that dad got fired och he got a job in a weird place called Chernarus in Russia. He got a job in some kind of office, not sure what. I was 16 at the time. After i got the news that we where moving again i went straight to Jasons house and told him my goodbyes. I was really going to miss Jason. He was the only friend i have ever had.

When we got to Chernarus i was really creeped out. It was a weird place with weird people. I dont think i can ever forgive my parents for doing this to me. I had such a great time in Los Angeles. When i started in school in Russia i didn't understand anything, All i did there was sitt at my desk and do nothing cause i didn't understand Russian and the people at the school didn't know english at all so i was just left there, to do nothing.

After a couple of years when i was 21 and had a job at a bakery i was on my way home. It was a shitty day cause i got fired from the job. And to add on that a girl that i really liked told me that she didn't want to be together with me. At least my parents were happy at this shitty place. When i came home it was really quite and my parent are usually home at this time. I had a strange felling but i didn't know what it was, all i knew was that i didn't like it. When i got upstairs i heard something, I went in to my parents room and saw my mom ripping my dad apart. Blood everywhere. I couldn't move, i was in shock. I didn't know what to do. Then my mom started to talk towards me. her face was all kinds of fucked up och i didn't know what to do. I tried to run but i couldn't move my body. My mom was really close to me and i had to do something so i pushed her away and tried to talk to her.

- MOM!!! ITS ME DAVID

No response from mom. She was just grunting och i didn't know what to do. She started to attack me and tried talking to her but it wouldn't work. I realized that this was not my mom anymore. That something has happend to her and that whatever i was talking to was not my mom, I took a lamp that was to my right and smashed it's head with it. I couldn't understand that i just did that to it but it was still attacking me. It didn't even effect it at all so att stabbed it with the glass from the lamp in the stomach but she was still coming at me. I couldn't understand what was going on. But i stabbed her again in the head and this time it fell down and didn't move. I was in complete shock.

I have been out in the wild surviving for a while now almost 4 years. Every night I think of that moment when i killed her or it. I am alone for the most part cause I don't really fit in with other people. i do better alone and it is hard to trust anyone in this world we live in.

Anyways I am here now and if you are reading this please take this paper with you will you and share my story. Stay safe and remember Don't trust anyone.

David Aldridge

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 0
Samaritan    247

Very good, but...Patient Zero was October 7th 2014 so you couldn't have been in hiding for 4 years.

Make sure you read The Lore. The actual outbreak started to be reported between October 21st and 25th 2014. So technically the outbreak has been on-going for around 6 months.

You need to edit your backstory to fit in with the Lore.

Also Chernarus is not in Russia, it is bordered with Russia and is a country in it's own right. Oh and the spoken language is Chernarussian.

Good work so far though.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 0
Guest   
Guest

/moved to Questions

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 0
Pussy    311

Hey, If you are reading this that mean you have made it. I want to remind you that you are not alone surviving in this shithole. Anyways this is my story och how i ended up in this weird place

My name is David Aldridge, I was born in a little place in Ohio called Bartlett. My childhood was not really the best. I was a single child and was always really lonely. We moved alot and i never really got any friend (Should this be plural?) in school. And was bullied alot. I was really upset with my parents for moving all the time and i had no time to get any friends. When we where in LA my parents said that we where not going to move anymore, that this was our last home. Dad had found a really good job. This made me really happy and exited. In my new school I met Jason, Jason was my only friend. Jason was a little bit special but that didn't change our friendship. Jason stod upp for me when people tried to pick on me, He (Shouldn't be capitalized)helped me alot with school but not just school, He also helped me trough the rough times in my life and that i really have to thank him for.

I had the best time in Los Angeles with Jason. But......My parent (Needs to be plural) told me that we where going to move tomorrow. This made me really hate my parents, Not only hate them but despite them. They told me that dad got fired och (What?) he got a job in a weird place called Chernarus in Russia (Chernarus isn't actually in Russia. Check the lore to correct this.). He got a job in some kind of office, not sure what. I was 16 at the time. After i got the news that we where moving again i went straight to Jasons house and told him my goodbyes. I was really going to miss Jason. He was the only friend i have ever had.

When we got to Chernarus i was really creeped out. It was a weird place with weird people. I dont think i can ever forgive my parents for doing this to me. I had such a great time in Los Angeles. When i started in school in Russia i didn't understand anything, All i did there was sitt at my desk and do nothing cause i didn't understand Russian and the people at the school didn't know english at all so i was just left there, to do nothing.

After a couple of years when i was 21 and had a job at a bakery i was on my way home. It was a shitty day cause i got fired from the job. And to add on that a girl that i really liked told me that she didn't want to be together with me. At least my parents were happy at this shitty place. When i came home it was really quite and my parent (Should be plural) are (Should be past-tense) usually home at this time. I had a strange felling but i didn't know what it was, all i knew was that i didn't like it. When i got upstairs i heard something, (Comma feels awkward here) I went in to my parents room and saw my mom ripping my dad apart. Blood everywhere. I couldn't move, i was in shock. I didn't know what to do. Then my mom started to talk towards me. her (Should be capitalized) face was all kinds of fucked up och (What?) i didn't know what to do. I tried to run but i couldn't move my body. My mom was really close to me and i had to do something so i pushed her away and tried to talk to her.

- MOM!!! ITS ME DAVID ("Mom! It's me, David!")

No response from mom. She was just grunting och (What?) i didn't know what to do. She started to attack me and tried talking to her but it wouldn't work. I realized that this was not my mom anymore. That something has happend to her and that whatever i was talking to was not my mom, (Awkward comma. Would be better to just put a period and start a new thought.) I took a lamp that was to my right and smashed it's head with it. I couldn't understand that i just did that to it but it was still attacking me. It didn't even effect it at all so att stabbed it with the glass from the lamp in the stomach but she was still coming at me. I couldn't understand what was going on. But i stabbed her again in the head and this time it fell down and didn't move. I was in complete shock.

I have been out in the wild surviving for a while now almost 4 years (This does not fit the lore. Read the lore section and put in the appropriate time frame). Every night I think of that moment when i killed her or it. I am alone for the most part cause I don't really fit in with other people. i do better alone and it is hard to trust anyone in this world we live in.

Anyways I am here now and if you are reading this please take this paper with you will you and share my story. Stay safe and remember (Awkward thought transition) Don't trust anyone.

David Aldridge

(Issues outlined above in red)

Okay... so I think it's safe to say that I found some things wrong with the grammar. Honestly, it helps for the admins to read an application that has correct grammar and punctuation, so I would work on that first.

Another thing I noticed was that you have a lot of choppy sentences. There are a lot of periods ending thoughts, when you could add a comma and flow into the next thought. I think that would help make your application sound a little less choppy, unless that was the effect you were going for.

One last big discrepancy is that it is pretty clear you don't have a great grasp on the lore. I strongly suggest reading the lore before continuing with your application, and make sure you're familiar with it in the event of your application being whitelisted.

Hopefully this helps! Good luck!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 0
aeron    0

Thanks for the feedback man


i was typing och because that is ¨and¨in swedish xD

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 0
Basoon    15

Other than the conflict with the lore looks pretty good. Shorten the 4 years thing because zombies have not been around that long yet.

I like that you chose to play a civilian, just make sure your in game attitudes reflect it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 0
Pussy    311

Thanks for the feedback man


i was typing och because that is ¨and¨in swedish xD

Oh! Haha that makes a lot more sense :P I was super confused.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 0
Pussy    311

I thought I recognized this from somewhere..

http://www.dayzrp.com/t-could-i-get-some-feedback-with-my-application-please--63272

I was getting a wicked case of Deja vu.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 0
Guest   
Guest

Aeron here is the additional information from your other threads.

-snip-

As stated in red there are still some details missing from the KOS explanation, I'm sure if you look back over the rules you will easily find the information.

I am available via PM's if you require additional help. if you are unsure about any of the rules and would like an explanation from myself or any of the other community helpers please come to waiting for staff help and someone will gladly assist you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 0
Vandy    34

Seeing this thread left open for 72 hours now and the OP being whitelisted, I will be

/solving this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

Sign in to follow this  

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

×