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stage53

Thoughts of a Germaphobe

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stage53    8

I...I just have to get some thoughts out. I found this book and figured since I have no one around to speak to, I can write. If I don't make it and you find this book just know I'm a good person.

I ended up in the country as an act of desperation. I come from a somewhat wealthy family who wanted a child. This issue is, they couldn't have any and spent thousands trying to have one. But fear not that's where I came in. In our neighborhood expensive international adoptions were huge. So mom and dad basically paid for me which would have been perfect. But a couple months after adopting me my mom got miraculously pregnant. And do you know where that left me? The dark. The shadows. Always number two. So my adoptive family didn't want me that's fine. But why didn't my biological parents? That's why I am here.

It may come as a surprise to you but I didn't have friends at home or here really. People were always embarrassed of my need to clean. For a while I do think I found acceptance. I was with a bunch of people who called themselves a family. It was lovely and they actually wanted me. But they did bad things. That led to many people telling me I had to leave my family. Leave the only people who in my entire life have wanted and accepted me.

I am anything but brave. When people were actively hunting, torturing, and robbing me I had to hide. I lied to save my life. I denied association with any and all of them. I told filthy lies that infected my entire essence. The dirt on the inside is eating me alive more rapidly than all the germs I try to clean off my body every day. I truly did miss my family and would ask about them every day. But sometimes you have to put your own safety above the desires of others. Especially when those were of people who would often forget me or weren't around leaving me alone and attackable.

There were two people in specific who were extra special to me. Jay and Dalton. Dalton was calm and nice. Jay was a little odder and meaner, but he claimed he wanted me. One day Dalton tried to tell me that he had two other people living in his head. But that just couldn't be. Dalton was normal! Until he stops his foolish game he just can't truly be there for me. I want nothing to do with "Ryan" or whatever the other guy's name was. As for Jay he was always mean. Constantly hurting my feelings and never letting me go anywhere alone with him. But he brought me gifts all the time and said he loved me.

You see Jay was a liar despite all that. One day Jay told me he found a house. Upon asking to see the house, he told me no one could see it even me. But he then took Dalton, his sister, and some random girl. A random girl! He started writing me notes apologizing telling me how much he loved and needed me. Yet a week later he was marrying this girl. I don't understand why I wasn't good enough. Why didn't he want me? What wasn't I most important? And how could he need and love me and a week later be ready to marry someone? He was playing with my emotions all along. The pain from this stab in the back was worse than if someone were to hold me down and spit all over me. He led me on only to stomp all over my feelings. I wanted to shoot him and watch him in pain crawl to morphine and a splint I would leave up the road. Or perhaps poison him and watch him vomit over and over and drift in and out of consciousness. But he is never alone and that would displease my old family I loved dearly. So now I hope his fucking ex cannibal wife eats him in his sleep. Or his family rips all his teeth out one by one. That the Irish catch him and beat the shit out of him. Also that other groups grow hatred for him and attack him. He was captive many times. I would have preferred they put a bullet in his head than have this tainted image of him that I have now. But that didn't happen so I hope the attacks he receive happen over and over so he understands my fear for once. How always having to look over your shoulder and not sleeping because someone could find you will eat you alive. I want him to know what I've dealt with. And to make it worse yesterday he attacked me. Minutes after being robbed and almost eaten he and his friends found me. He wanted to poison me but I had just been shot and wasn't healthy enough to live. Jay made threats about killing me, beating me, and he ultimately betrayed me. He robbed me of my gun, the thing that just saved my life from being eaten. And who did he give it to? Men who had previously robbed me and Jay's own brother. Jay disarming me was basically was leaving me for dead. What if I need to protect myself again? He also had to nerve to say he still loved and cared about me. Fuck. Him. If I had to eat dirt or be around him again I rather eat dirt then force myself to throw up over and over.

You see my time here has been anything but nice. My family branded me with a sharp knife but that was nothing. I had been fed disinfectant, knocked out, handcuffed, interrogated, cornered and robbed of my blood, almost eaten, forced into marriage at gunpoint, left in a field tied up to die, shot, kidnapped, threatened, punished with poetry, robbed, spat on, had limbs broken, spied on and followed, branded a spy and deserter, and no matter what I said was called a liar. I just want to be left alone. I want to live until this all passes. I want to find people who want me. But for some reason everyone wants me dead. There's people I've never even met who know of me. It's like I'm some kind of infamous celebrity in a shitty land. Even my own family hates me now. My lies made them hostile toward me, even though I explained they were lies to save my life. The only friends I had turned their backs on me. They pointed guns at me, said they would rob me, threw stuff at me, mocked me, and in general gave me dirty looks and threats. My only friends are Blake a man child who almost gets me killed daily, Dima a fiery Russian who must like me only for my body as he doesn't know anything about me, and Luke a quiet guy who normally avoids me when I get into trouble and isn't always around. None of those friends are the most ideal and best friends to have. But I need them. I need someone. And with the recent violence toward me any new friends are promptly scared off. I'm not worth the danger.

I must admit I'm at a low point in my life. I don't feel wanted or cared about by anyone. Quite the opposite really I feel hated by all. How long can I put up a fight against all these people trying to harm me and all the germs at the same time? How long does it take for a dirty soul drenched in lies take to hollow you out? Why should I continue when no one seems to want me here anyways? It seems much easier to pick up one of my many bottles and let the cleansing of my insides take over and slip into a forever sleep. It's like I'm holding onto an edge above a black hole. I'm getting tired. I could use my last bit of energy to hold on for a bit longer, perhaps try to scream for help. And maybe just maybe a kind soul will come along and pick me up. But there is also a chance I would foolishly be leading myself on when I could have put myself out of my misery sooner and saved myself of the heartache.

I'm tired of being everyone's play toy. I was a pawn between too many groups. They used me and turned their backs on me just as any child does with old toys when they get a new one. If the only way I can take the control back of my life is ending it then so be it. It could be kind of peaceful watching the clouds knowing I'll never be harmed by another person again as I slip away.

Entry #2 || Entry #3 || Entry #4 || Entry #5 || Entry #6

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Guest Yuri Ubiytsa   
Guest Yuri Ubiytsa

Holy shit... Mini novel up in here...

Gonna go grab a McDonalds Shamrock Shake and start readin this

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Guest Dalton   
Guest Dalton

Wow. *slow clap* 10/10 <3

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Guest   
Guest

You mean to tell me you didn't enjoy me throwing rotten tomatoes at you? :troll:

10/10 great read! Hope you add more to this at some point.

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Krullin    0

A damn good read. Nice work there, very well made 10/10

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Guest Phat J   
Guest Phat J

10/10 stage!

Dimas's boiz will always be there for you and like Luke said the Pub aswell.

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Guest   
Guest

Damn...that girl has been through a lot, I feel really sorry for her :/

Great read Stage, I hope your character make it out alright.

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stage53    8

Finally! You did it, your the best! <3 Amazing read aswell Stage, I am looking forward to more.

I only shared it for you :P Was gonna keep it to myself.

Damn...that girl has been through a lot, I feel really sorry for her :/

Great read Stage, I hope your character make it out alright.

Mia sure has. It's been eventful and super had on her.

Thanks for all the postive comments guys :)

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Sniffs n rubs eyes.....

Damn...that girl she been through a lot, I feel sorry for her and no new shoes,

A great read I hope you not going to give up that easily though

Theres nothing worse to fear than a woman scorned who seek retribution..............

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WarMachine    11

Finally! You did it, your the best! <3 Amazing read aswell Stage, I am looking forward to more.

I only shared it for you :P Was gonna keep it to myself.

I'm happy you did! I was waiting for this for a loooong time. And I hope to see some more soon, a great writer! :)

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stage53    8

Thanks for the compliments guys :D

__________________________________

Mia here again. Believe it or not I’m still kicking. I've considered ending it all but perhaps the coward in me will not allow that. I know that I’m not brave and swallowing my poison I love so much is probably the most fitting way out. So many people have told me I should drink it. So many people want me gone. Everyone already thinks I’m a coward so why not take the easy way out? I wouldn't have to deal with any of this anymore. But believe it or not….I think I’m a fighter. Not a physical fighter as in I’ll shoot someone or fist fight for my life when the odds are against me. But a fighter in the sense I've made it this far in such a disgusting dirty world. Even before the outbreak no one wanted me and now everyone hates me. I must have fought to make it this far despite all odds. Do I really wish to make all my effort so far pointless? On top of that...all those men and women who have attacked me and stomped me into the group, giving up gives them control. It makes them the winner. It’s something I have to think about, but something happen that is putting this all into perspective.

Two days ago I went on a trip with Amy, Luke, and Vlad. I thought we were heading out east, but we ended up north. Upon approaching a building where light murmurs of words came from, I heard two names that made me stop dead in my tracks. Joffrey and Willow. Two names among many that sure always make me on edge, but at the same time comforted me once upon a time. When I still was around the family on a daily basis any mention of their names could have meant there was enemies of the family nearby. But it also could have meant there were friends of the family, or even better the family in the area. Their names were no longer something I wish to hear now though. Enemies or friends of the family alike are enemies of mine. I feel like it’s me versus the world and I have a glaring target on my back. Anyways, back to the story. Upon hearing their names my stomach sank and I had the undeniable urge to run like I always do. But I don’t know this land and wouldn't have done anything but wandered into the woods and starved to death or something. So instead I waited outside of the building hoping to go mostly unnoticed. It was one of the most unnerving interactions I have had yet. Not a hostage, not in danger, but not free and unsure if the danger was coming. I was trapped by lack of knowledge and fear I may run into someone who recognized me and hated the family if I ran alone.

Unfortunately laying low didn't go too well as Bonnie and I think her boyfriend approached and remembered me. A long time ago, the day after the family met and marked me to be exact the Irish kidnapped me, robbed me, and let someone torture me. In response Joffrey built an army and we ran for a long long time to find someone. Apparently some girl named Aurora was important to the Irish and we found her. Joffrey asked for her guns because the Irish took mine. We did not rob her. We asked. And even so it wasn't my idea or my plan or me who asked for the gun. I just followed my family as I was expected to do. The woman gave me two pistols and a bigger gun. I dropped the two pistols assuming no one would see and had plans to sneak off and return the other gun soon. But a few days later as I was explaining to someone that knew her my plan, the Irish attacked the church and took the gun. So I was out of luck. I suppose I am kinda on a tangent again but it’s necessary for you whoever you are to understand the severity of the situation seeing Bonnie brought. I could feel my heart getting ready to jump out of my chest. My thoughts raced of where I could run or if I should scream out for help. The two told me they did not care about the past and that I should come inside. In fear I would offend them and the other people inside who kept trying to coax me in I agreed to enter the building.

I crouched in a corner between a wall and a dresser, keeping my head down and not saying a word. I assumed avoiding eye contact and not making a noise would make me invisible. More and more people kept coming into the building and I could feel fear taking over my entire body. Someone here was bound to recognize me even if I was cowering and minding my own business. I mean come on bright pink isn't exactly the greatest camouflage. A man whose name I do not remember eventually approached me in the corner and started asking questions. My eyes quickly scanned the room for exits before returning quickly to the ground. Luke tried to divert the attention but the man was asking my name and I knew I had no choice but to share. People in the room already knew who I was, it’s not like I could go by my fake name “Maya”. Immediately upon telling him my name he exited the room as did a few other people. My entire body got clammy and I could feel me starting to sweat. My stomach was doing flips and I wanted bolt and run faster than I ever have. Luke kept telling me everything was okay but I knew it wasn't. Eventually the doctor took me and Luke outside and told us to run away as fast as we could. Luke and I bolted into the trees and eventually made it to some town. My sides ached and my lungs screamed out for air. I desperately wanted to stop and catch my breath but we had to get away. There were two things that drove me to keep running. The fear of what they would do to me and that Luke was with me. I gave Luke the chance to stay and many chances to go back to Amy and Vlad. But he ran with me. Eventually even Amy and Vlad regrouped with us and Amy said I was okay in her books. Perhaps I have more friends than I think. It made me wonder if they would miss me if I were gone forever.

Yesterday something even more problematic happened than that though. As I was travelling through Vybor I found a man I was hunting down for a long time. His name is Desmond and when the Irish attacked the church, slaughtered my family, took the man I liked hostage, and handcuffed and beat me, this man hit and spit on me. He could have put a gun to my head or attacked me with words but his spit was one of the most offensive things he could have ever done to me. His filthy germy spit touching me. Just thinking about it now makes me cringe and want to disinfectant myself. I don’t think Desmond realized I was the woman he disrespected when I found him again though. And when I did let him know it was me he refused to have a conversation with me and pulled out a gun! I know it wasn't pleasant of me but I wanted to tie up this man and beat him to a pulp. Teach him a lesson. Let out some anger I've built up because of all the harm people have imposed on me. But what if he fought and shot me? I thought I had friends in the area but I wasn't sure where they were. Dima took some man away who was insulting him and his friends to who knows where. I also saw Sean earlier but I didn't know where he wandered off to. Plus I had to take into account who his friends were. I wasn't sure who they were but when he attacked the church he was with the Irish and Rick’s group and there were even people who knew Aurora. So I did not really want to attack someone who would kick up some more dirt on me with those groups. I think I finally settled them down too...hell I even gave the Irish explosives to go after a common enemy. Which I do feel mildly guilty about, revenge is so petty but at the time felt so appropriate.

So perhaps I was afraid he’d shoot me or injure my reputation more. But could I really pull the trigger on him if I needed to? Not likely. Hell two men tried to eat me and I spent what felt like forever trying to peacefully get them to let me go. And then my shots, well they didn't kill and were just enough to scare them and let me get away. I only shot because I knew it was life or death, this situation didn't seem like that. Neither of us wanted to die. Besides all I really needed was an apology. Desmond seemed unwilling to have a conversation with me though. Disrespect on top of the original disrespect. Way to rub salt in an open wound. I’m not sure why he agreed to come speak with me eventually, but my nosy acquaintances swooped in. I could feel the situation growing out of hand, my control slipping through my fingers like sand. Dima, Sean, and what ever street rats as they call themselves that were in the area have never taken the passive route that I've witnessed. I've watched them kill and torture and rob. Hurting this man could not only pull them but me as well down a slippery slope, a slope I’m actively trying to climb back up after the family snowball effect dragged me down. Plus think of the possible retaliation! Not to mention...was this really the way to fix anything? Yes he disrespected me. Yes I viewed him as an enemy. But the difference between me and the deplorable people who think they need to punish me is I have mercy. I realized as this man’s life was quite possibly in my hands that I could let him die. I could let him get hurt. I could watch and I’m sure there would have been some type of satisfaction in seeing him harmed. But then I would just lower myself down to their foolish, childish, ignorant behaviors. Violence is not the answer and it truly probably makes the situation worse. Instead of beating and torturing me they could have showed me an out. Reached their hands out and gave me a different family, or pointed me in the right direction. But instead they hurt me and left me with only the family to crawl back to for protection and acceptance. Not saying this was the case here, but violence has not fixed anything with me. And trust me I've dealt with enough to know. It either made me sad, scared, and helpless or angry, bitter, and violent. Both cases have made me feel like I need to strike back whether it be before it’s too late or because they deserve the pain they inflicted on me. Violence never worked for me in the past and wouldn't now either. Even if his friends were probably going to hurt me the day before. I found out his friends were in fact the people I met yesterday from him actually, so clearly I had made the right choice. This would maybe show them I am a good person. Plus with so few people alive right now...do we really need to kill more?

Dima and Sean promptly took over my conversation though by telling him to drop all his items. Luckily I managed to convince the foolish men to let him keep most of his stuff. With the amount of robberies I've been victim of I knew exactly how it felt. Most of us don’t have homes anymore and everything important to you ever is carried on your back. I've lost teddy bears, gifts, notes, and other irreplaceable items from loved ones. Not only that but I've lost anything that could keep me alive. Bad person or not, no one deserves that. Eventually we moved into a barn and I knew things were going to get worse, they moved him out of site of any wandering stranger. They called him hostage. Despite me arguing and begging them to back down they would not. I felt like they didn't care about my wishes any more than those men who forced me to marry Sean at gunpoint. It seemed so hypocritical that men who have done as much if not more harm to people as Desmond has felt they had the right to punish him. And punish him because of what he did to me? Sean was in the church and shot my friends that day. He watched his friends hurt me and Desmond abuse me. But if this really came down to what he did to me, why didn't I get to decided how it was handled? Anger bubbled inside me and was ready to burst out. I had this man who I was truly angry at and then I had two idiotic men trying to tell me they were in charge! I was in charge! It was my fight, my issue, my prey, my hunt, my speech, my threats, my decision on how to handle every single little aspect. It was all way too much to handle. I have taken all the abuse thrown at me by strangers, and even from people who claim they care about me. But the abuse, the demeaning words, the overlooking me, the seeing me as weak, as insignificant, as a pawn just there to play with, as a pretty face you want to claim, an annoying little noise in your ear that can be silenced, the expecting me to just stand there and agree with anything that you wanted is no more. I am a coward. I want to run at any sight of violence. But doesn't that mean I want to live? I've been fighting all along even if it wasn't how most people fight. Enough is enough and I refused to be treated like some silly child who is told to butt out this is grown up stuff or treated like some criminal who is so weak she can be pushed around without fear of the repercussions. The only way to prove this to others was to prove this to those who care about me first. With them under minding and demeaning me in front of Desmond why would he take me seriously? Why would anyone?

I was going to be the bigger person here and save this man because I could not because I wanted to. I can’t truly say I saved Desmond and let him free and gave him a gun because I wanted to be a good person. But after explaining my whole situation to him and him apologizing I almost felt free. The best explanation I could give is each memory of someone doing me wrong is like a chain. The chains themselves were all different though. There were those of betrayal and heartbreak. Others of torture, torment, anger. It doesn't really matter though what the chain is made of, it just comes down to breaking free from it. Until I shed each and every one of them I cannot move forward. Coming to peace with Desmond was like opening the locking and sliding it off. I no longer had to hunt him or worry about him. No long needed to keep him on my mind constantly. I was free of Desmond. I had no need to see him harmed, the issue was resolved. And just like that everything kinda clicked into place. I didn't need to physically harm anyone. I needed to cut them with words. Show them how inhumane they were to a completely innocent woman. Let them be the ones who sit up at night even if it’s just for a bit thinking about how they did something wrong and they’ll have to live with that on their shoulders. I need to confront my fears and let them know I am done with their shit and hopefully resolve the issue. This is how I need to take my life back. Not killing myself and letting them hear about it and snicker knowing they scared an “evil” woman into a coward’s way out.

This was the first time I do think I stood up for anything in my life. I was mean. I said nasty things. I told Dima and Sean if they cared about me they would step down or never see me again. Which it think it’s important how strong of a threat this is. All I want is one person to unconditionally want me. With so few friends I can’t risk even one, if either turned their back it would have crushed me. But I made them choose Desmond or me. Eventually I got my way and had my private convo with Desmond. The boys actually listened to me. It was so invigorating and empowering. I’m stronger than I think that's for sure. I truly wonder what untapped potential is deep down inside me. I’m not as worthless as everyone seems to think I am.

Once Dima and Sean were distracted I set Desmond free. Both men chased after him but I tried to distract them. Sean drifted away into some random direction but I stuck with Dima who ultimately rolled over and sided with me. I guess that’s yet another person I can add the to list of possible people who would miss me if I killed myself. Sean on the other hand said at first he killed Desmond but later said he let him go. I can only hope Desmond did in fact get free and make it to his friends in the north. I truly don’t trust Sean’s word and I may have to try and find out somehow if Desmond made it. I don’t wish for my sudden sense of courage and enlightenment brought on by Desmond to be at the cost of his life. With that being said I’m not going to go be all reckless. I’ll probably still try to run and hide. But at times when the situation calls for it my voice will be heard. I do not care if person receiving it does not wish to hear it. They will listen because I am worth something and I demand some type respect even if it’s minuscule. You can take my items, pride, and freedom, but you can't take my voice and thoughts. And for those who are my friends? They’re going to learn my opinion is no less correct or important than theirs. If they want to ignore my wishes then I do not wish to be around them.

Once I free myself of all these chains I can move forward in the hunt for acceptance. I no longer will have to look over my shoulder or fight sleep due to fear. I’ll come to peace with it all. And once that happens I’m sure someone somewhere will accept me for who I am. They’ll adore every air hug. Or even cover themselves in disinfectant just for a half second hug from me. They’ll worry about where I am, want to see me daily, need me in their life, and protect me. Whoever these people are, they will let me show them how much of an amazing person I can be. How loyal and caring and understanding. They will want me just as much as I crave and want them.

Let's just hope I'm not the silly little girl everyone treats me as who fills her head with unreachable dreams. I don't think I could handle being set back to thinking my life is meaningless again.

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Guest Phat J   
Guest Phat J

Yet again, another amazing read stage.

10/10

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Brad    155

Awesome! Watching these events unfold in some way (first at the resort as "Bonnie's Boyfriend" lol) and then on the stream with what happened with Desmond, it is very cool to see Mia's thoughts afterwords!

Well done!

-Bonnie's Boyfriend

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stage53    8

Awesome! Watching these events unfold in some way (first at the resort as "Bonnie's Boyfriend" lol) and then on the stream with what happened with Desmond, it is very cool to see Mia's thoughts afterwords!

Well done!

-Bonnie's Boyfriend

I know who you are OOC but Mia can be bad with names :P

Thanks though guys! It's nice to get Mia's thoughts sorted out.

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Guest   
Guest

Wow.. Just wow. I feel so bad for Mia. I heard there is a nice Doctor lurking around the wasteland that is always looking for....... Friends.

10/10 though. Well done.

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Conor    243

Wow.. Just wow. I feel so bad for Mia. I heard there is a nice Doctor lurking around the wasteland that is always looking for....... Friends.

10/10 though. Well done.

It's a trap.

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WarMachine    11

<3 I am happy you decided to write more, I love the way you write and how you proceed to tell us more about Mia's descisions and actions she takes. More please!

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stage53    8

-snip-

Too creepy for Mia :P And thank you!

-snip-

He's the trap yeah? Befriend me only to make lock me in a room or make me into some skin suit or something :P

-snip-

Only for you :P but thank you! People can see Mia's actions via stream but often I get questioned WHY she makes those actions. Sooo here it is!

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Guest   
Guest

10/10 Would convert you again. It's good to see your story progress as I haven't seen you IC in a while. Keep up the good work

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Laski    8

Good read. I rate 8/8 mate

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Vape Nation    5

Wow 10/10 loved it

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