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You're Better Off Dead


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"Really Jesse?! F**KING RUSSIA!?"

"Babe, please. I know, I know. But we have to try something. It just isn't working here."

"Look. If this doesn't work I'm leaving you.... AGAIN."

"It will work. I've looked into it. Promise. *mumbled: Also, its Chernarus, not Russia."

"I heard you."

Guess what? It didn't work. She left me soon after getting here. She was going to leave me eventually anyway. But I didn't expect for here to leave me for some meat head Slovak. Oh well. At least I have some peace now.

*LAUGHS* Funny thing, I have more peace now than ever. I just wish D.O.G. (pronounced dee-oh-gee) was still here. Don't ask, she named him. I thought C.A.T. would be funnier. Anyway.... what was I saying?

Who am I? Well, that's easy. I'm Jesse Cole, owner, co-owner, procurer of good and lead sales rep for the Chernarus Post Apocalyptic Emporium. I travel the world of Chernarus delivering goods and services to those in need. Heroes, bandits and lonewolves alike. Ah, but that isn't what you want to know is it? You want to know WHO I AM.

I taught a survival school in Central Texas called Texas Bushcraft. Turns out there isn't a large demand for Central Texas survival courses. But, I kept on keeping on till she had enough. My wife that is. She nagged me all the time. "Get a real job!" But I never listened.

Finally, early last year I got an offer from a Czechoslovakia wilderness survival instructor that had a satellite school in Chernarus. Sinistok to be exact. They'd pay for the flight if I was willing to do a 2 week long class on primitive bow making, camp kitchens and primitive black smithing. Of course I couldn't pass up this opportunity. I told Samantha, my wife about it. She was none too pleased, but I "convinced" her that it could be the start of something big.

I'd planned for us to stay up there for a month prior and a month post-class. Two months in the western European forests? Yes and thank you.

The first month was actually really nice. Although, not knowing Russian was a bit of an issue. Luckily my smart phone was smarter than I was. The local wildlife is beautiful and very tasty. Especially the Red Deer. And the hunting laws are very lax . Well, in that part of the country anyway. We ate deer, boar, even carp which I am not a fan of. Even Samantha was having a good time. Things were looking up.

The classes were a hit. Everyone loved them. One of the Czech instructors had aged some ashwood before I came down and I was able to sell each stave to the students. Some bought extra to practice at home. I taught them how to make a camp kitchen with tripods, stone ovens and even rotisseries. The smithing class wasn't as popular as the others but I was able to knock out a few carbon steel flint strikers and a smith's knife.

The second month was just as good as the first. The satellite school offered me a full time job and to my surprise Samantha was actually all for it. She went home to Texas, got D.O.G., transferred funds here, sold the house, and packed up all essentials. We were moving to Chernarus!

She was happy, I was happy. Hell, even D.O.G. was happy. *mumbles "ornery critter" We were even able to get a good deal on about 150 acres of land just north of Sinistok with an old two story house on it. We called it "grandmaw's house". Now a full time survival instructor I was actually making some good money. Mainly from selling bow staves. I couldn't have hoped for better....

Then... well, she left me. Out of nowhere. It was July. I was coming home and she called. "Don't bother begging Jesse. I've taken everything out of the house thats mine. I'm leaving." Before I could even process what had happen she hung up. I tried calling her. Voicemail... voicemail.... voicemail... busy signal. She blocked me. Turns out she left me for a local Slovak fitness trainer. The next day I went to buy some Ramen Noodles from the corner store and the card was declined. "Yep, should've known."

Just me and D.O.G. now. No money, no car, no woman, nothing.

I kept teaching. Kept making bows. Kept feeding the dog. Kept crying every night. That is till one night. I could hear the screams, even as far from the city as I was. People screaming, sirens blaring, megaphones screeching from the voices of police officers. The infection had started.

Its funny, you plan and plan and plan for these things. But when they happen you freeze. The first thing I thought about was Samantha. But that thought was gone just as fast as it had been conjured. She was in Poland by now. I grabbed my pack, called to D.O.G. and went north. Even further north. They had already quarantined us in. Roads were blocked with helicopters paroling the forests.

Mayhem.

Its been 8 months now. D.O.G. died a long time ago. My closest and only companion. He was a good dog. His ornery nature is what got him killed. Tried to nip the heels of one of them. Didn't take long for them to tear him apart.

I've survived by using the skills that helped me survive before. But now I use them a bit differently. I have what some would call an "ability" to find what others need. A sixth sense if you will. I tend to look where others wouldn't think of looking. I've used that to my advantage and have made quite the killing from it. I don't go hungry nor do I ever want for things. I have what I need and the rest is for sale or trade. I make an honest living bartering goods.

Now... what were you wanting for that Magnum again?

Oh yes. I can do that.

Here ya go.

And remember, if you're not trading with the Chernarus Post Apocalyptic Emporium... you're better off dead.

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I'll always love "past losers" in apocalyptic times.

I just want to cuddle you now :3. Great story, the character is really loveable, no wait he's more unhateable (if that's even a word).

Didn't know that Central Texas survival courses were a thing, but in Chernarus, it sure would be trendy.

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Thanks for reading everyone.

Didn't know that Central Texas survival courses were a thing, but in Chernarus, it sure would be trendy.

Theres a little truth to this story. I don't teach a class but I do actually own Texas Bushcraft. Wilderness self reliance kinda stuff. Survival. There are quite a few "survival" classes here in Texas actually.

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