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Server time (UTC): 2022-09-27 00:58

My Application backstory (ouch?) v.2


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Oh boy am I ashamed of this one !

It was 5am or so, been a couple days with little sleep and too much cafeine when I started to apply for the server.

It's in a state of fatigue and excitation that I wrote this, this is probably what will make my application rejected but hey, better be prepared for the next try.

Note that English isn't my first language, so bear with me.

"It was the 1st of August 2012, I was sitting between an old man on my right by the window side, and a kid on the left. The sleeping grandpa must have been around his 70's while the boy, playing on his DS with headphone on his ears, would be a few years away to be called a teenager. The plane was shaking, the flight attendants were reassuring the passengers, telling them it was just a minor turbulence. The lunch was about to be served. That's when I heard the screaming, followed by groans, soon enough panic ensues and the screams are multiplied. I lean to the left, while catching the kid's look-nothing but terror-and see what terrified him. A man soaked in blood, from the mouth to his belt, was biting a young women to death. After that moment, everything happened so fast. I remember the screams the most clearly, the feeling of being hopeless and my imminent death. The pilots got killed, I don't know how, people who got bit started biting people themselves while the plane was going down. Bodies were thrown everywhere with the force of gravity, I noticed in the action that the grandpa next to me, died of a heart attack and at that moment, with the shock that it was, my brain reminded me of a scene from Fight Club, scene which led me to this conclusion : this is it. I won't be back in France in time for my mother's funerals, I will never finish my medical classes, I will never be a surgeon, I will never get married, I will never have childrens and I never should have left Russia because of a "swine flu".

Except, that it wasn't the end.

I woke up with my rib cage completly broken, a leg with a unnatural angle, an eye that won't see, nightmares for centuries and the world falling apart.

After my miraculous accident, for the first time in my life, I believed in fate. I always was an Atheist, never believed in all those deities and holy books, but deep inside, I knew I was alive for SOMETHING.

I got patched up by survivors, they told me I was in an olympic shape for someone who just crashed in a plane and that I was in "Kamyshovo", one of a few cities that whistood the hordes.They had a camp 1km outside the city, to avoid the military and the massive amouts of people who seeked shelter. I got asked what could I do to repay the favor of fixing me up and that I had the obligation to help in whatever way possible when i'll be able to stand up.

The med school came in handy in this world, the needle work isn't a hard job and I was happy to do something else, it was better than crying and having suicidal thoughts. If I was alive, it was because of fate and the only thing I could do now, in this apocalypse, was survive.

The camp was raided 7 days after I arrived, I escaped with a few people, but it didn't took long until the dead found us. I learned how to use a gun back at the camp, still wasn't used to the sound and recoil but it saved me and my comrades numerous times.

With the few left of us we decided to always stay on the move, keep distance from populated areas, the wreckage of the civilisation would provide us with the materials to keep us safe if entered with caution, while we took what the nature had to offer. It was primitive, but it kept us living for a long time.

I lost count of the days since the flight, but several months have passed, every morning I contemplate the sun rising of the hills, and with every new sunrise, I make to myself a vow of hope and courage in the face of adveristy. I will survive, no matter the cost in hope that someday, I'll find a place of peace in this world.

This is my fate."

So yeah, tons and tons of plot-holes, basic story, unbelievable things, I don't explain things that are essential for the char survival nor do I give the char defined traits.

*sigh* I am truely sorry for the one who has to review this...thing, and I promise to deliver something worth reading. I'm working on a new story, more detailed and I had the char personality already defined before writing the events.

Story telling 101, i'm so sorry.

EDIT : Okay so I rewrote the story, it's not finished, I rushed the last part because frankly I had no idea how to properly end it, I put a lot of effort (mostly by researching english terms that I didn't know :P ) in the plane scene. I still need to proofread the whole thing but I thought I could upload it since some people have been kind enough to help me with it (Thanks cute panda!) and I recently got whitelisted with my second application (Thank Ender and Metaltongue for the help with the NLR KoS, I'm here because of you two fine gentlemens).

Critics would be most appreciated.

"It was the 1st of August 2012, I was sitting between an old man on my right by the window side, and a kid on the left. The sleeping grandpa must have been around his 70's while the boy, playing on his DS with headphone on his ears, would be a few years away to be called a teenager. The plane was shaking, the flight attendants were reassuring the passengers, telling them it was just a minor turbulence. The sound of the plane cutting through wind was omnipresent, as always, kids were screaming, parents whispered warnings into their ears while other passengers sighed at the uneducated childrens on board. Everyone was tired, the flight would take 8 hours to reach France, I had to take a last minute ticket and leave Russia and the med school. I received a call from my sister, she was sobbing like the little childrens on this plane, unable to form complete sentences when she annouced that mom died. The funeral would take place in my hometown Wattrelos. The news wasn't much of a huge impact as expected, people says I lack empathy or even feelings, when in reality I just don't know how to express them properly, those feelings just stays within me, waiting for the moment to come out all at once when triggered.

Dinner was served, and as always in planes, it was tasteless and higly forgettable. The irony is that this dinner, this poor attempt of a meal, would be one of the things that I would remember and miss the most in years to come.

While the stewardesses were roaming the alleys of the plane to serve tea and coffee, each one with they're own accents and pronounciation of "tea or coffee", a high pitched scream resonated inside the plane.

Everyone looking around with conflicting emotions until an other scream was heared as the first one died into a guttural growl. I free myself from the seatbelt to peek over the seats in front of me while looking around to discover the source of the starting panic, the screams began to multiply until it was the only thing heard in the entire plane as I, for the first time, saw the face of the apocalypse. A man, drenched in blood, chewing on one of the stewardesses like a feral creature, his teeth plunging into the carotid of the helpless woman, eating the inside of her neck as she convulsed until her body gives up. The scene was surreal, I have seen corpses, blood, organs and the entire insides of the human anatomy in my school, most people can't even handle the sight of blood, but this...This horrific scene combined with my lack of sleep, the mental fatigue due to the recent events caused me to pass out.

I woke up later, blood all over me, still sitting on my seat. The turbulences were much more frequent than before, people were still sreaming, but this time, the screams seemed to be outnumbered by the growls. The creatures, outnumbered the passengers this time. I thought I was dreaming, there was only one before, but now they were at least 30 of those beasts ripping the insides of what was left of the people and crew of the plane. One of them approached me, it was the sterwadess, blood leaking from her once intact neck. She was now one of them. The creatures were passengers, and they turned after the creatures feasted on them. As she was approaching I realized this was it, the end of my existence, there was no hope of survival, I was trapped and nothing could save me from being the meal of those nightmare creatures, and when this realization hit my mind, my body engaged a "safety measure" and passed out again.

Except, that it wasn't the end.

I woke up with my rib cage completly shattered, a leg with a unnatural angle, an useless eye, nightmares for centuries and the world falling apart.

After my miraculous accident, for the first time in my life, I believed in fate. I always was an Atheist, never believed in all those deities and holy books, but deep inside, I knew how impossible it was for me to survive this crash, it truely was a miracle.

I screamed for help, hoping those creatures died in the crash, after all, if I survived there was a chance they did too.

My body hurted so much, I had no chance of survival if no one came to my rescue in less than one hour, I was losing blood, I felt numb, I couldn't move on one leg with all the injuries. The only thing I could do was screaming, until I heard something. Couldn't say what it was, the growls of those creatures or the voice of my savior, I fainted before knowing, leaving it to fate, again.

I got patched up by survivors, they told me I was in an olympic shape for someone who just crashed in a plane and that I was in "Kamyshovo", one of the few cities that whistood the hordes of creatures that they call "Zombies".They had a camp 1km outside the city, to avoid the military and the massive amounts of people who seeked shelter. I got asked what could I do to repay the favor of fixing me up and that I had the obligation to help in whatever way possible when i'll be able to stand up.

It seemed that the people here had all witnessed similars incidents with the zombies, the looks they gave me when I first woke up was full of compassion and fear, fear that I would turn or fear for the supplies they used for me I couldn't tell and with my injuries, I think it was easy to show some compassion in my state, but they saved me, and that was enough for me to help them with the skills I possesed thanks to the med school.

It came in handy in this world, the needle work isn't a hard job and I was happy to do something else, it was better than crying and having to remember the plane incident. If I was alive, it was because of fate and the only thing I could do now, in this apocalypse, was survive.

A few of us we decided to leave the camp, more and more people kept comming in need of a shelter, the cities were full, the military stopped welcoming people. We always stayed on the move, kept distance from populated areas, the wreckage of the civilisation would provide us with the materials to keep us safe if entered with caution, while we took what the nature had to offer. It was primitive, but it kept us living for a long time.

I lost count of the days since the flight, but several months have passed, every morning I contemplate the sun rising of the hills, and with every new sunrise, I make to myself a vow of hope and courage in the face of adveristy. I will survive, no matter the cost in hope that someday, I'll find a place of peace in this world."

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Tough life, well made, adds up to the drama zombie that apocalypse games offers

Hum, thanks but I really think I messed up, I had too many things in my head and it ended up like that. I introduce characters to not even use them properly.

I mean...JUST LET ME HURT MYSELF ! MOAR !

But really, low opinion on this one.

Forgot to ask : If anyone sees mistakes that could be easily corrected in terms of storytelling or have any advices, i'll take it gladly !

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  • Sapphire

The staff usually don't reject applications because the background story isn't well written or very good. It's more of a matter of understanding the rules, explaining them and showing some creativity in your writing. If you'd written your character as a spetsnazblackopssealranger who was the lone survivor of a helicopter crash you might have a problem.

But as it stands now your lookin' good, brah. It reads better than mine did. You really should be more confident in your work.

Criticism time though.

If your planing on making the story longer you probably shouldn't jump straight into the action:

"The lunch was about to be served. That's when I heard the screaming, followed by groans..."

The highlighted above is to rushed and could be done more fluently. For instance:

"They were about to serve lunch when I heard a loud scream coming from the stewardess cabin. I noticed one of the other stewardesses running towards the cabin, the people around me looking on with conflicting emotions. A second scream could be heard as the first one began to die down into more of a growl..."

See, I just turned those two sentences into a paragraph by being more descriptive of the scene and adding some 'oomph' to the narrative instead of telling the reader straight up what was happening.

The rest of that part looks very good. The scene you are describing in each sentence should be more focused, you tend to jump around the place:

" I remember the screams the most clearly, the feeling of being hopeless and my imminent death. The pilots got killed, I don't know how, people who got bit started biting people themselves while the plane was going down."

There are three very interesting things happening in the thing above but you skim over it very quickly. You could've prolonged them and went into more detail, for example:

"I remember the screams so clearly, god those awful screams. They sparked the feeling of hopelessness in me, which rushed over me and the realization of my imminent death became ever more clear to me. 'I am not getting of this plane alive', I thought. Despite the thoughts of death looming over head I was frantically trying to unlock my seat belt in the hopes of making it to the back of the plane, but as I loosened the fabric the plane began to plummet. I guess they must've gotten the pilots as well..."

The devil is in the details, as somebody probably said at some point.

I wont bother going into details over the rest since it's really just the above that you need to work on. Plus spelling, because I'm sure his mother doesn't get multiple funerals, that's kind of a once in a lifetime thing *badumtsh*.

I believe you can do it though.

Do not misunderstand me, your story is looking good. It's just that if you want to make it longer and more descriptive of the character you want to play as you should polish it till you can do your makeup in the shine, so to speak. If your looking for inspiration you should check out Gijs's characters story, it's my favorite thing on here and I look to it when I need something to work well. Just check out the lore and stories section over all, it's a wonderful place.

tld;dr: Describing the details of more content.

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The staff usually don't reject applications because the background story isn't well written or very good. It's more of a matter of understanding the rules, explaining them and showing some creativity in your writing. If you'd written your character as a spetsnazblackopssealranger who was the lone survivor of a helicopter crash you might have a problem.

But as it stands now your lookin' good, brah. It reads better than mine did. You really should be more confident in your work.

Criticism time though.

If your planing on making the story longer you probably shouldn't jump straight into the action:

"The lunch was about to be served. That's when I heard the screaming, followed by groans..."

The highlighted above is to rushed and could be done more fluently. For instance:

"They were about to serve lunch when I heard a loud scream coming from the stewardess cabin. I noticed one of the other stewardesses running towards the cabin, the people around me looking on with conflicting emotions. A second scream could be heard as the first one began to die down into more of a growl..."

See, I just turned those two sentences into a paragraph by being more descriptive of the scene and adding some 'oomph' to the narrative instead of telling the reader straight up what was happening.

The rest of that part looks very good. The scene you are describing in each sentence should be more focused, you tend to jump around the place:

" I remember the screams the most clearly, the feeling of being hopeless and my imminent death. The pilots got killed, I don't know how, people who got bit started biting people themselves while the plane was going down."

There are three very interesting things happening in the thing above but you skim over it very quickly. You could've prolonged them and went into more detail, for example:

"I remember the screams so clearly, god those awful screams. They sparked the feeling of hopelessness in me, which rushed over me and the realization of my imminent death became ever more clear to me. 'I am not getting of this plane alive', I thought. Despite the thoughts of death looming over head I was frantically trying to unlock my seat belt in the hopes of making it to the back of the plane, but as I loosened the fabric the plane began to plummet. I guess they must've gotten the pilots as well..."

The devil is in the details, as somebody probably said at some point.

I wont bother going into details over the rest since it's really just the above that you need to work on. Plus spelling, because I'm sure his mother doesn't get multiple funerals, that's kind of a once in a lifetime thing *badumtsh*.

I believe you can do it though.

Do not misunderstand me, your story is looking good. It's just that if you want to make it longer and more descriptive of the character you want to play as you should polish it till you can do your makeup in the shine, so to speak. If your looking for inspiration you should check out Gijs's characters story, it's my favorite thing on here and I look to it when I need something to work well. Just check out the lore and stories section over all, it's a wonderful place.

tld;dr: Describing the details of more content.

Thank you, I really appreciate the time you took for your response.

As for the details in the action I think I rushed it because I was unsure of the vocabulary I could use or how I could form some sentences.

I learn new vocabulary every day and well, while writing the new one I discovered that I could pull off some great lines with a little of proofreading behind it.

The most important thing I would say is that I'm having fun while writing, much more that I could imagine. I'm fairly new to RP and it's a whole new world of experimentation for me, and it's wonderful ! :D

Again, thank you for your answer, great examples, I clearly see what's wrong and I'm working on improving myself.

Have a nice day !

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  • Sapphire

Glad I could help, hope your application gets accepted.

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  • Sapphire

Yo, glad to see that you're whitelisted now and hope you're settling in quite nicely.

For the story I will just criticize the 'architecture' and writing quality rather than the content itself, since I assume you've been playing quite a bit lately and have been developing it naturally through out. And since I'm doing this a few days after you updated I don't want to criticize something that's not there anymore or isn't relevant anymore.

It's looking very good now for the most part apart from some minor spelling issues. The abundance of commas (,,,,) is also something that's not to be desired. I work best in examples so this, for example:

After my miraculous accident, for the first time in my life, I believed in fate. I always was an Atheist, never believed in all those deities and holy books, but deep inside, I knew how impossible it was for me to survive this crash, it truely was a miracle.

Should look more like this:

After I woke from my miraculous accident, for the first time in my life I believed in fate. I was always an Atheist so I never believed in all those deities and holy books, but deep inside I knew how impossible it was for me to survive this crash. It truly was a miracle.

However this is a very common thing among many writers when they first start a story. It's easily fixed by looking over a text and thinking whether or not there needs to be a comma there or if you could end the sentence (or remove the comma) and get a 'cleaner' result. It's a very small thing that can make everything look cleaner and more professional.

It's a rather entertaining story over all which is what you should aim for when writing and not just informing people about your character and hitting all the points on the character checklist.

One thing to note though, there is such a thing as going to in-depth in certain scenes. I apologize for not explaining that well in my previous post, but basically lingering in scenes where graphic violence is portrayed or a character is feeling petrified by fear can become intrusive rather than atmosphere building. It's a very delicate thing to write graphic scenes, and it's easy to slip up and make something resembling a bad creepypasta instead of a great line. Just something to keep in mind.

Apart from the above the over all 'structure' of your story is decent enough, though it does feel a tad clunky at some key points. But as you said, you have yet to gussy it up so that's bound to change.

I also like that you seem to have at least checked out Tomerans "Official" DayZ Backstory and used that as a reference for later events. It's always nice when people do that.

Anybutt, glad to see that you are actively working on improving your skills as an RPer and writer. Good luck with your future endeavors.

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