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About to submit character background what do you think?

Guest Dr. Nick

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Guest Dr. Nick

It has been some time since the unthinkable happened. Complete normalcy to hell almost overnight.

What is the source of the this virus that has turned real life in to a Zombie Apocalypse video game?

Has everything been taken over? Is there no one else normal left? As Stephen glanced out over the hill, almost as an answer to his question, he heard a woman's screams.

The sounds appeared to be coming from the other side of a large outcropping of boulders seemingly suspended from the side of the

hill. As he crept to the top of the boulders, he could see through a crack just as a man tossed a woman into a car and sped off from a grisly scene.

Along the side of the road, he could see the remains of several bodies but one in particular caught his attention.

Crawling on his belly was the remains of one of the ...dead? The legs were missing from the torso down and whatever else was left was in tatters.

The corpse crawled slowly towards Stephen. The process was so slow and almost deliberate with every groan and grunt as it grew closer and closer.

Stephen froze between the boulders. The creature or whatever it was was only 50 yards away. I should run he thought; "get the hell out of here"

but nothing moved as his frozen figure refused to budge. It's OK, it, he can't see me. I am hidden in the rocks.. As if on que, the creature stopped about 35 yards away, let out a

groan only heard in the best of horror movies and looked straight up at Stephen right through the crack. In disbelief and utter horror at his discovery, Stephen finally

got the willpower to run but not before he saw the creature reach his right arm out.. stretching for him. His eyes didn't look menacing, they looked...

It has been three months since his first close encounter with one of the new additions to an already screwed up world.

As he opened his laptop, he thought of the thirteen batteries he had left and how he had taken the time to scavenge as many as possible but the cities were now

completely overrun with these creatures. Several different varieties roamed the streets and it was far too dangerous to try and get more. Besides, there didn't seem to be much use for the laptop

now anyway but you never know he thought.

Through a Black Hat Network which used a NASA satellite to transmit encrypted messages, Stephen had been able to communicate with others but now even Mattyt1890 was

no longer available and no others surfaced when pinged. What has happened he thought sadly as he closed the dell and placed it on the shelf..

Stephen looked out in a thousand yard stare at the wall of his hideout outside of the city. In the wall he could see City lights, Beautiful girls,

dogs playing in the yard and his .....

Enough crying he thought to himself.. This is your world now and you can either be a victim, a predator or a savior.. Your choice!

sorry dont know why it was posted twice

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  • Legend

Change que to cue. You were probably thinking of queue, but cue is correct in this case.

"Several different varieties roamed the streets and it was far too dangerous to try and get more batteries." There's too much confusion with all the pronouns in this paragraph. The meaning is clear, but we don't want to have to stop and think. Specifying 'batteries' eliminates any momentary confusion a reader might have.

Dell is a proper name and should be capitalized.

Those were the only things that stabbed me in the eyes. It could be better, but tbh, I expected worse. To my mind, what you have is good enough. The only reason I could see for rejecting this is that it doesn't really say much about your character's background, but honestly, this looks good enough for a first submission.

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