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Server time (UTC): 2021-10-19 18:18

Zoarial Story.


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[ I've never really written any kind of story, if this seems really bad let me know ill stop, or if you want more i would love to hear it. Also any suggestions on ways to improve constructively would be appreciated. I hope you enjoy this teaser i have ideas for how to continue if you guys want more.]

“Captain we need to take that bunker! You take Robert and Itachi and flank left, I’ll provide covering fire while you take out that bunker! GO GO GO!”

Just then Devin saw a RPG Solider pop around the corner wall of the bunker they were taking heavy fire from.

“EVERYBODY DOWN!”, Devin Shouted

“Graeme get to cover!”, as Devin said this he noticed the RPG shoot from the soldiers shoulder and connect with Corporal Itachi who had yet to get to cover.

“Devin WAKE UP! Devin Wake up!”

“what, what is it?”, Devin said as he was woken up from his dream by his wife Brittany.

“You were having that dream again weren't you?”

Of course he thought, "it’s the only dream I ever have anymore", but decided to hold the words and instead slip out of bed.

“you have to talk about it, if you bottle it up it will destroy you, This is all because the General asked you to come back, wasn't it?”

“It’s nothing beautiful, I’m sorry for waking you, I’m going to grab a drink and I’ll be right back to bed.”

Brittany laid back down in bed, concerned about not being able to help her husband though this, but it was what she loved about him, no matter what issue life throws at him he would always figure out how to handle it, it’s what made him a good leader, she thought, and went back to sleep.

Devin walking back into the kitchen grabbed a glass and filled it with water and walked outside on to the deck and stared at the stars.

It was his escape, it was the one thing on earth he could do that, no matter where he was, he could utilize it. He stared up at the stars thinking about what he would have to do in a few hours, he wanted nothing more to go back to sleep but he couldn't, he was up now. He knew now he would have to go, it’s what he did best, and he hated it.

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[[

Maybe add in some visual descriptions of what he is experiencing, including little things he may see or hear. Just creates a more vivid experience for the dream and would explain why you are moving around/talking in your sleep and also why you needed to get woken up.

Minor editions to help the flow but actually I am already interested in what happens next:)

Carry on mate! You better ]]

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[[When you add in all the background details and further descriptions, just read it aloud and see where there are any parts that you can go into more detail or if there are parts that do not flow into the next part.

You want to focus on what emotions you want to portray as they have obviously influenced your character quite dramatically if he has set out to do something significant (which you hinted at in the last paragraph).

With a little more emphasis on what was happening in the dream part you can create a riveting story that hits a climax and seems so real. Up to the point that he gets woken up.

You can then try go into how he is dealing with these dreams or at least how he is trying to deal with them.

Just my thoughts on how you can create an 'explosive' start to your story.

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Needs more dragons

(( Back on the topic, it looks good! I like it because the story allows me to use my imaginary about everything that happens instead of the story giving you all the details.

Like SumoS I _always_ read my writing out loud at least once (usually several times) before I deem it finished. If I change a paragraph I read it from the beginning again to make sure it flows like I want it to.

That brings me to my next topic; flow. As you stated in the beginning you are pretty new to this whole writing stories which is totally fine and I am genuinely happy to see you trying it out! But from my own experience since I once was in your position I can offer a few tips that helped me on the way.

Punctuation is an important part when it comes to flow within any written story. And it is a very simple way to make your story feel more complete. When I read your story I got the feeling you wrote it from how it sounded in your head and using commas whenever you would make a quick pause if you were to read it out loud. But doing that can disturb the flow within a written story a little. I understand why you did it but it is not always necessary. It is always better to use periods instead of commas.

I've made this long response not because I believe you have alot to improve on but because I believe your story has potetial and want to show my support! As long as you keep writing I will keep reading. ))

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|This is my first ever RP story, So I hope it alright, I’m not really sure on writing style, I’ve take a few peoples suggestions but constructive criticisms are always welcome.|

“Captain we need to take that bunker! You take Robert and Itachi and flank left, I’ll provide covering fire while you take out that bunker! GO GO GO!”

Just then Devin saw a RPG Solider pop around the corner wall of the bunker they were taking suppressive fire from.

“EVERYBODY DOWN!”, Devin Shouted

“Graeme get to cover!”, as Devin said this he noticed the RPG shoot from the soldiers shoulder and connect with Corporal Itachi torso.

“Fuck!” Devin thought. As Youngstown leaned around the wall he was taking fire from and must an M203 round at the base of the wall the RPG solider was behind. The explosion brought down the roof were the RPG was fired.

“Zoarial, we need to push up” Yelled Vishnu

Devin Hopped in the SUV that they had driven up in and Started to drive it up as a mobile cover.

“I with you!” Screamed Vishnu over the com’s while he sprayed Mark 48 rounds all along the wall with solders on it.

Devin took a hit to the chest and cried out in agony, he knew it hit this body armor. It still hurt and he knew it would leave a bad welt though.

They pushed up to the wall with the SUV and breached cover they enemy were using. As Devin went over the wall, a enemy solder jumped up and came at Devin with a knife knocking Devin on his back holding the knife inches from his throat.

Devin was struggling with the soldier as Graeme walked up and pulled out his .45ACP side arm and placed it against the temple of the solder on Devin and pulled the trigger.

“All Clear” Graeme yelled

Devin got up and examined the room, it was a school house, the children were laying in piles against a wall that was riddled with bullet holes.

Devin walked over to the kids, he kneeled down next to a litter girl. He placed his hand on the girls throat to try and feel a pulse.

“Grande!” Someone yelled, Devin didn’t have time to hear it, the explosion went off only a few feet behind him, knocking him over and putting shrapnel in his side, He saw Graeme looking over him, he couldn’t hear him at first, his ears were ringing too much. He looked over and saw his men had taken positions already and were returning fire. He looked back at Graeme who was now screaming at him and shaking him back and forth. Devin could start to hear again.

“Devin WAKE UP! Devin Wake up!”

“what, what is it?”, said Devin as he was woken up from his dream by his wife.

“You were having that dream again weren’t you?” Said Brittany.

Of course he thought, It’s the only dream I ever have anymore. He decided to hold the words and instead slip out of bed.

“you have to talk about it, if you bottle it up it will destroy you, This is all because the General asked you to come back, wasn’t it?” Said Brittany

“It’s nothing beautiful, I’m sorry for waking you, I’m going to grab a drink and I’ll be right back to bed.”

Brittany laid back down in bed, concerned about not being able to help her husband though this.

“It’s what I love about him, no matter what issue life through at him he would always figure out how to handle it, it’s what made him a good leader” she thought as she drifted back to sleep.

Devin walking back into the kitchen, grabbed a glass and filled it with water. He walk outside on to the deck and stared at the stars. It was his escape, it was the one thing on earth he could do that no matter where he was, he could utilize it. He stared up at the stars thinking about what he would have to do in a few hours, he wanted nothing more to go back to sleep but he couldn’t. He was up now. He knew now he would have to go. It’s what he did best and he hated it.

----------------

“I’m here to see General Douglas” Devin said, after he walked though the sliding doors of the pentagon and up to the security desk.

“Colonel Doaker will be here in a minute to escort you sir.” Said the guard

Devin Nodded and took a seat while he waited.

“It’s not the Generals fashion not to meet me personally, I wonder why he would bring Col. Doaker down in his stead” Both Devin and Doaker had served under the General for some time, even went through special tactics training together. It wasn’t like Doaker to be a greater, the man was cold, loyal and a man you could fight alongside, but would never do something he felt under him like being a greater.

“it’s not what I need to focus on right now, I was out of all this.” Devin pushed all this to the back of his mind. “I’ll worry about it later” he thought.

“Ah Colonel Zoarial, you ever going to give me your real name now that you are out?” said Doaker who had come up from behind Devin.

“you know my first name. You need more than that? You must be slipping.” Devin said in a sly tone.

Doaker laughed, “come the Admiral and General are waiting.”

“Admiral?” Devin asked confusingly.

“yes, this is big, all hands on deck for this. I can’t say more, they will fill you in once we get there” Doaker said with little emotion.

“This can’t be good, they never acted like this in the past. It’s almost like they are scared.” Devin though.

They walked though the solid steel doors, the plaque just above the door read, ”Command and Control Center”. The guards at the door were dressed marine guards, as they approached they guards had opened the doors almost as if they were showing off for the President of the United States. Devin mentally noted all of this incase he might need it in the future.

“I wonder if he will be attending as well” Devin thought.

The Colonels walked thought the powerful doors. On the inside was a long polished table with folders and documents laid across it and every few feet was a pitcher and glasses on either side.

“ah. Colonels. Nice of you to join us.” Said Admiral Wiggin

The Admiral was a powerful standing figure, Devin Made note that he was scowling, not something he was accustomed to seeing in a man with such pride.

Devin Noticed the General was on the phone and was looking concerned. Both Devin and Doaker waited quietly at attention for General Douglas to get off the phone.

“Nice to see you boys. Devin I know you have left, but we have developments that would suggest a serious issue and I need my two best squads on the line.” Said General Douglas as he put down the phone.

“Sir. With all due respect, Graeme is a great leader he can handle this without me. My wife and I are trying to start a family” Said Devin, trying to turn down the General without crossing the line.

“Son. The rest of the world may not be able to have a family let alone you if you don’t do this” Said Douglas without a shred of emotion.

“Sir I don’t understand.” Devin Said concerning

Devin looked at Doaker, his face look concerned, Devin noted that he must have already been brought up to speed earlier.

The General signaled the projector operator on the side of the room and handed Devin a folder.

“At 23:00 Monday, three days ago. We received word of Russian military gathering in the Chernarus region. Tanks and 3 battalions of men, they have begun to evacuate the cities and quarantining the populous. The boys on the farm think this is a prelude to a massive military out break to take over the Russian Government. Col Devin I want you and your Colorado Boys on the ground doing close ground infiltration, Col. Doaker your boys will provide undercover NATO support to the region as UN Peace Keepers. Boys this may be nothing, or it could be the start of everything. Its critical we find out what is going on over there and proactively take control of the situation. You are my surgical knife, keep a steady hand and a solid eye and we’ll make it though this. Admiral” Said the General before he left.

As the General walked past Devin he whispered, “Col. I can’t tell you how important this is. You do this and ill accept your resignation and you will be officially out the moment you land.”

Devin Disappointingly nodded at the General and watched from the corner of his eye as the General walked out of the room before looking back at Admiral Wiggin.

“Alright Boys, you have 48hrs to get geared up, say see your family, your squads are already waiting for you at Westover AFB. They will fly you from there to the USS Ronald Regan who will deploy you to the AO. Good luck and good speed” Said the Admiral before dismissing the Colonels.

As the Colonels walked out of the room Doaker pulled Devin aside.

“you think that was really strange?”

“I think you guys are keeping something from me, I’m thinking I’m going to have to explain to my wife that after I told her I was out, that I have to leave again.” Said Devin frustratingly.

Doaker stepped back from the wall

“You do what you have to do, I’ll handle my guys” Said Doaker as he walked away.

Devin walked out of the building thinking of was to avoid the converstation he was going to have that night. He wanted nothing more to avoid it. “I was out I thought, I was finally fixing my marriage and now this.” He thought.

Devin thought back to an old saying,

Nothing worth doing was ever easy,

Devin thought about those words the entire ride home.

-----------------------

“Hey, beautiful, are you home?” Devin said as he set started to undress from his formal uniform.

“yeah babe tidying up. How’d it go with the general?” She yelled from the bathroom that was attached to the bed room across from where Devin was standing.

Devin continued to take of his cloths in silence. After a moment his wife walked around the corner.

“So this is what the General meant when he said he had broken your spirit and I should try to keep an open mind.” Said Brittany with a concerned look on her face.

“he called you?” Devin with a surprised tone.

“yeah, he says he needs you to do something, something that he could tell you didn’t want to do but knew you had to. He told me that if you did this he promised I would have you all to myself after and that you had tried to get out of it and he pulled rank” Brittany said with an understanding tone.

Devin thought about how he had frozen earlier, and didn’t try to defend it, how he hadn’t wanted to do it but didn’t fight the orders either. He wonder why the General said this when it wasn’t true. “was he trying to help” Devin wondered.

Devin Grabbed Brittany’s hands

“I have the rest of tonight, then I will have to go dark for some time. I don’t know when I’ll be back but I will be back as soon as possible, I’m riding in with Graeme tomorrow first thing. I want you to meet up with his wife up at the cabin. Roberts wife will be there in a day or so.”

“Devin, I’m not leaving my home just because you have to leave, if Robert and Graeme want to be safe like that then fine. But I will not leave my home for reasons I don’t know” She said with a frustrated tone.

She looked into his eyes and stared for a moment.

“Devin I want a family with you, but I feel you are trying everything to avoid it. How do I know it’s what you want?”

“well to be honest I’m scared, I don’t know if it’s something I’m worthy of. But how about instead of taking steps to make sure we don’t have a child. We just risk it tonight and not try to not have one?”

Brittany smiled

“You make no sense but I think I get the... point” Whispered Brittany as she kissed Devin’s neck.

----------------------------------

That next morning the sun was just coming up, Devin already had his bag packed, he saw Graeme pull up in front of the house. Devin walked into the kitchen and grabbed one of the roses he had bought the night before and placed it and a love note on the pillow next to Brittany. He kissed her on the for head, turned off the lights, walked out the door and locked it behind him.

Walking to the car Devin put the past night to the back of his mind. “I can’t keep this with me out there I have to leave home at home” he thought and pushed all of it into the back of his mind.

“hey man, what’s happin” said Graeme as Devin placed his bag in the back of the car and got in.

“let’s get out of here” Said Devin as he looked up at the window of the bedroom of his house and saw Brittany holding the Rose and letter. Devin looked away but he know she watched as they drove out of sight.

Later that evening at Westover AFB Devin and Graeme walked into the barracks were his Colorado Boys had been held up cleaning their gear.

As they walked in Graeme sent out a whistle that could have been heard next to the running engine of the C130’s outside.

“Alright boys wheels up in 30 mikes, I want all the gear loaded by then. Briefing once we are on-route, on board the Regan. Move out!” Devin said in a firm leading voice.

Devin watched the faces of his me, the younger men seemed to be happy and poking fun at one another, while his squad leaders had each a unique personality of the case. Roberts was cold, but he was always the guy to have the quick witted humor. Youngstown, probably the platoons biggest hippy always smiled but the guy was unmatched when it came to sorting out green horns. Vishnu, one of the older guise, had been though a lot, seen the darker side of folk yet still managed to put a smile and a good spin on everything. And the last one out the door was Graeme, leader of his Alpha squad and Devin’s second in command and outside of war Devin’s best friend. As Graeme walked by they nodded to each other. Neither of them knew the real reason the brass needed them. They didn’t really care. There was a job to do and they were going to do it.

|End Chapter 1|

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