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Mental

Looking for some advice..

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Mental    0

Ok so those who don't know me very well, i'm a 17 year old emotionally distressed boy in a long distance relationship. I guess thats how I can start this..

I'm.. looking for some.. advice. I'm hoping this won't change your views on me, or if it does its for the better.

Firstly.. me. I'v had a kinda rough childhood. My dad never cared, I moved to the other side of the world (Melbourne, Victoria) where I met some people I will never forget. Then I moved once more which is where I am now - in Brisbane. I'v been diagnosed with deppression and anxiety, and every day is a struggle. Expecially without my girlfriend (will get to her later). Every time I look at my arm and see my scars, I crumble. I think of all the people I would dissapoint if I told them - the ones who mean the most to me.

Now as for my girlfriend, she hasn't had it any better. Shes been through a lot of shit - like, a LOT. I won't go into specifics, but she has been abused.. as in.. the R word. She cries on the phone to me almost every other night and tells me she misses me and she misses her father.. who passed away a few months ago. She gets constantly bullied and threatened and it destroys me inside when she tells me about it. Im doing the best I can from behind my keyboard but.. I'm not sure how long it will work for.. I have the feeling it's wearing off.

I'm trying to make it easy for us. I'v told her my plans - once I finish school at the end of next year, i'll get a full time job, get my own place, and pay for her flights so she can come live with me. To be honest, I think thats the only thing keeping her going.

I have my flights booked for next week to go see her. Thing is, her gaurdian wont let me stay with them because he's never met me before. So i'm staying with someone who I used to be good friends with. Shes worried that her gaurdian wont let her come down to see me, and to be honest, its one thing im freaking out about.

Now, right now my face is covered in tears after listening to her cry.. and its taken me a fair bit of strength and courage to post this. But I thought seeing as most of us here are mature adults, maybe i could get some help from some fellow RPers/DayZers/Gamers.

If you've gotten this far, I want to thank you for having the patience to read this. If theres anything I seemed to have missed or you have any questions, please feel free to post below or PM me.

I'm really stuck here..

PS: I'll edit OP next week when i'm in Melbourne and say how things are going.

Thank you for all the serious comments so far.. I appreciate it

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Abrun4    0

Hey,

Love is a complex thing and sometimes can be quite hard to talk about. But in tough times people can be and will go above and beyond for the people they love.

Do what you feel is right. It might sound corny but sometimes doing things that are against our own emotional biology is the right thing to do.

Many people hit what i call a junction in their lives. You seem to be standing at one.

The heroic thing to do would be to do what you feel is right.

Do the right thing.

Make sure you save her.

# Dem Spelling mistakes.

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   5

Why dont you contact Matt and Nev! Go on Catfish! But it is probably better to not have a long distance relantionship as it just doesnt work out! Find a sweet caring girl (or ewe) nearer to where you live!! Go for the plain janes and she will turn out to be a gem!! ;)

Or ask Terra, Gina or other ladies in this community as they will have good advice!!

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Mental    0

Why dont you contact Matt and Nev! Go on Catfish! But it is probably better to not have a long distance relantionship as it just doesnt work out! Find a sweet caring girl (or ewe) nearer to where you live!! Go for the plain janes and she will turn out to be a gem!! ;)

Or ask Terra, Gina or other ladies in this community as they will have good advice!!

Thing is.. the girls in my area.. really dont have that much self respect.. if you know what I mean ;L they've hurt me time and time again, lied to me, cheated on me, etc. My current girlfriend i'v known since primary school, we havn't seen each other since I moved to Brisbane.

Shes the only one I genuinly care about, and I know she cares about me.. its kinda hard to explain but.. I know shes the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.. I'v never had that feeling with anyone else before..

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Heroz_Nick    21

long distance relationship...oh boy, sometimes causing more hurt than making you happy, but hey, ask yourself one question, does it hurt when you are away from her? you know the answer then go for it, nothing holding you back :)

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Red    233

I have been through this sort of stuff before. From my personal experience, it never really worked out. Mainly because there is so little you can do from behind your keyboard other than being a good friend. It takes two really patient people to wait for one another. You are young, trust me when I say that you will find something better than what you have right now, down the road. I know thats probably not what you want to hear right now. Save yourself heartache and contemplate other options. Unless you really really feel like she is worth it, than by all means go for it. Just know that it definitely won't be easy.

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Laurence Taylor    3

I Myself am in a long distance relationship, however it' only about a three hour train journey so it's probably not as bad as some others.

All relationships have their rough times and so has mine, infact we even broke up at one point but managed to fix it up. You just need to think weather the good aspects of the relationship outweigh the bad;

If all the relationship is doing is stressing you both out ( which no 17 year old needs ) and causing you both to be constantly upset then i would suggest finding a way of ending it in the nicest way possible.

Now i know you might love her but you don't owe your life to anyone, and if YOU are not happy then at the end of the day that's all that matters. I know it sound mean but do what is best for you, not the relationship.

good luck!

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Samaritan    342

Hi,

Firstly, I just wanted to say that I think you are very courageous in writing this. It must have been extremely difficult.

I'm sure the community will be able to give you some advice but no one can even comprehend what you and your girlfriend have gone through without going though it themselves, which is something I would not wish on anyone. You and your girlfriend would benefit from seeking professional help in the form of a councillor (if you haven't already) to help you work through the issues you and your girlfriend are facing/have faced. Talking and sharing does help but you need to have professional advice from those who are trained to give you both coping strategies.

However, I will offer some advice.

Your biggest fear is not being able to see your girlfriend due to her guardian not knowing you. If her guardian is aware of her background put yourself in their shoes; wouldn't you be protective over her and be wary of someone coming to see her who they do not know? So maybe it would be an idea to either write them a letter/give them a phone call or when you fly over to make sure you go to see them first so that they can see that your only interest is caring for your girlfriend. I would definitely follow their wishes though, if they want to be present when you see you girlfriend respect their decision no matter how hard it will be for you, as it shows that you are a responsible person and to prove you can be trusted. At the end of the day actions speak louder than words and trust needs to be earned.

Long distance relationship are difficult to maintain, but that doesn't mean you should not be able to make it work. Remember you are 17 yrs old, you are young and things can change. Coping with change is the difficult part. You need to try and surround yourself with positivity, I know you are trying to support her, but you also need support.

I wish you the very best of luck.

I will leave you with this quote by Stephen Fry..."Depression is as real as the weather…it’s all about a kind of mental umbrella. 'Hey-ho, it’s raining inside: it isn’t my fault and there’s nothing I can do about it, but sit it out. But the sun may well come out tomorrow and when it does, I shall take full advantage.'"

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Mental    0

I Myself am in a long distance relationship, however it' only about a three hour train journey so it's probably not as bad as some others.

All relationships have their rough times and so has mine, infact we even broke up at one point but managed to fix it up. You just need to think weather the good aspects of the relationship outweigh the bad;

If all the relationship is doing is stressing you both out ( which no 17 year old needs ) and causing you both to be constantly upset then i would suggest finding a way of ending it in the nicest way possible.

Now i know you might love her but you don't owe your life to anyone, and if YOU are not happy then at the end of the day that's all that matters. I know it sound mean but do what is best for you, not the relationship.

good luck!

If all the relationship is doing is stressing you both out ( which no 17 year old needs ) and causing you both to be constantly upset then i would suggest finding a way of ending it in the nicest way possible.

This point here - since we've been together, shes quit smoking and forgiven herself for her scars.. she was a lot worse off before I stepped in.. :/

Thank you for sharing that


Hi,

Firstly, I just wanted to say that I think you are very courageous in writing this. It must have been extremely difficult.

I'm sure the community will be able to give you some advice but no one can even comprehend what you and your girlfriend have gone through without going though it themselves, which is something I would not wish on anyone. You and your girlfriend would benefit from seeking professional help in the form of a councillor (if you haven't already) to help you work through the issues you and your girlfriend are facing/have faced. Talking and sharing does help but you need to have professional advice from those who are trained to give you both coping strategies.

However, I will offer some advice.

Your biggest fear is not being able to see your girlfriend due to her guardian not knowing you. If her guardian is aware of her background put yourself in their shoes; wouldn't you be protective over her and be wary of someone coming to see her who they do not know? So maybe it would be an idea to either write them a letter/give them a phone call or when you fly over to make sure you go to see them first so that they can see that your only interest is caring for your girlfriend. I would definitely follow their wishes though, if they want to be present when you see you girlfriend respect their decision no matter how hard it will be for you, as it shows that you are a responsible person and to prove you can be trusted. At the end of the day actions speak louder than words and trust needs to be earned.

Long distance relationship are difficult to maintain, but that doesn't mean you should not be able to make it work. Remember you are 17 yrs old, you are young and things can change. Coping with change is the difficult part. You need to try and surround yourself with positivity, I know you are trying to support her, but you also need support.

I wish you the very best of luck.

I will leave you with this quote by Stephen Fry..."Depression is as real as the weather…it’s all about a kind of mental umbrella. 'Hey-ho, it’s raining inside: it isn’t my fault and there’s nothing I can do about it, but sit it out. But the sun may well come out tomorrow and when it does, I shall take full advantage.'"

Thank you for that.

We're currently looking for a sloution to the whole "guardian not trusting me" thing. Shes going to talk to him about me.. how I'v helped her and that i'm not like the other guys hes met. And I really dont blame him.. most of those guys are still bullying her. I just hope it works.. she needs me as much as I need her.

Shes seeing a councillor about the.. R word part, my mum has suggested I see one for my deppression and anxiety, yet she became a chain smoker and an alcoholic before that could happen.. :/ and my step dad, who I count as my dad, doesn't have the time nor money to book me in for sessions.. I suppose that really doesnt help with this situation.

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Smith    1

I was in a long distance relationship with an American girl for 19 months, and trust me - it's hard.

It's very valiant of you for wanting to save this girl, because it sounds like she's having a tough time, but moving in together?

You're very young. Rushing things can ruin it. My ex-girlfriend ended moving in with me for a few months and I didn't always like it, because I'm quite independent. That, and I learnt more about her which I didn't over text and Skype - sure we found more ways we seemed to be compatible, but other ways in which we are not.

You need to live life a little more, truly. It's hard, but you need to push yourself out of your comfort zone. A few baby steps at a time, mind. You're definitely too young to settle down. Don't you have any plans to go to university or anything?

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Laurence Taylor    3
This point here - since we've been together, shes quit smoking and forgiven herself for her scars.. she was a lot worse off before I stepped in.. :/

see the thing is, you've done your saving. and you should feel great about yourself for what you've done but that doesn't mean she can't help herself. Now that she is stronger she should be able to learn to cope with her problems in a mature way, if you feel like you've helped her as much as you can from behind your keyboard then that is all you can do.

Again, good luck. i hope you work things out <3

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I have a lot of friends in long distance relationships, and sadly the truth is that it needs the right people to work, and often they end up causing far more grief than anything else. In fact, one of my friends in now in an LDR which sounds awfully similar to yours, however she's actually manipulating him to her own ends. But your situation sounds bad. But honestly, if the relationship is not destructive in nature, go for it. As for the guardian, go out of your way to prove your trustworthiness. The guardian's caution is sadly understandable in a way. I myself have seen LDRs work brilliantly for a lot of people, and a lot of my friends I met online and then met IRL.

But there's also far more people for whom LDRs have failed, and that's because they require absolute dedication and patience. As a gay person, I've had a few LDRs and they've all turned out great! That's how a vast portion of LBGT people actually meet. It just takes patience and finding the right person. Honestly, the bottom line is that you need to sit down and think with something other than your heart at times. Throwing everything away for long distance love can ruin lives, and I've seen this first hand, so please do be sensible about it.

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Mental    0

This point here - since we've been together, shes quit smoking and forgiven herself for her scars.. she was a lot worse off before I stepped in.. :/

see the thing is, you've done your saving. and you should feel great about yourself for what you've done but that doesn't mean she can't help herself. Now that she is stronger she should be able to learn to cope with her problems in a mature way, if you feel like you've helped her as much as you can from behind your keyboard then that is all you can do.

Again, good luck. i hope you work things out <3

Thank you.. :)

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Terra    1449

Hi

I work in a Children and Youth Psychiatry. I work with guys (and guys only)in the age from 13 to 18 years, specialized in depression and borderline personality disorder.

I am here for you if you want to talk but via text it is very difficult in my opinion.

I only can imagine how hard it must be for you at the moment. For you and your girlfriend because you care so much.

So let me know if you want my help, I will listen.

Terra

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Mental    0

Hi

I work in a Children and Youth Psychiatry. I work with guys (and guys only)in the age from 13 to 18 years, specialized in depression and borderline personality disorder.

I am here for you if you want to talk but via text it is very difficult in my opinion.

I only can imagine how hard it must be for you at the moment. For you and your girlfriend because you care so much.

So let me know if you want my help, I will listen.

Terra

Thank you.. i'll definately take you up on the offer. I'll PM you when I get some spare time. Thank you Terra :)

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Cjbustuup    1

Keep your head up mate you can pull through. I have had similar issues but not to this extent. I saw a counsellor from a week or two and she made me feel good about myself and helped me through it. I would definitely recommend seeing someone face to face. I understand you said you haven't got the money but I believe that there is a way that you can get a few meetings with a counsellor through work or school. They usually will pay for the first couple. I think it is very brave of you to post this and I have the utmost respect for you. Also, I think what your doing with the GF is very valiant. Just meet her with the guardian a couple times, answer whatever he asks of you and be yourself. From what I have read, you seem to have a big heart and I think you can pull this off. Best of luck.

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Mental    0

Keep your head up mate you can pull through. I have had similar issues but not to this extent. I saw a counsellor from a week or two and she made me feel good about myself and helped me through it. I would definitely recommend seeing someone face to face. I understand you said you haven't got the money but I believe that there is a way that you can get a few meetings with a counsellor through work or school. They usually will pay for the first couple. I think it is very brave of you to post this and I have the utmost respect for you. Also, I think what your doing with the GF is very valiant. Just meet her with the guardian a couple times, answer whatever he asks of you and be yourself. From what I have read, you seem to have a big heart and I think you can pull this off. Best of luck.

I might be able to see the school chappy..

Thanks a lot mate.

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Mental    0

Quick update:

Going to Melbourne tomorrow, I plan on speaki g to her guardian about some stuff he should know about whats been going on. Will let you guys know what happens.

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Mental    0

So for those who wanted an update, here it is.

Im back from my week in Melbourne. Saw her 3 times, due to the fact my mate I was staying with wanted to go to the country for 4 days. Didn't end up getting the chance to properly talk to her gaurdian, although I have reason to believe i made a good first impression.

We got back on day 4, which is why I only saw her 3 times. She told me he's never let her out 3 days in a row, especially to see a guy, so that gives me reason to believe he doesnt completely hate me. Which is obviously a good thing :P

The worst part was.. well.. its pretty obvious.. saying goodbye. We both cried in each others arms.. which I guess made it a little easier cos we had each other. But the look on her face when the train took off.. fucking destroyed me.

So now its back to the same old life.. counting down the days before I can see her again.. although maybe it wont be so hard this time.. considering the memories and photos and whatnot..

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   2

I am so happy to hear things went well! It is a shame you didnt get to see more of her but it's only a matter of time before you get to see her again!

Sounds as though you made the right impression :)

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J.D.    2

Glad to hear that everything went well.

Don't loose hope, you will be together again soon :-)

On a separate note if you need anyone to vent or talk to im more than happy to lend an ear, day or night.

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