Jump to content

Server time (UTC): 2022-05-28 13:20

In your secret spaces


Recommended Posts

// This is a thread where I get to work through my character's thoughts and feelings. It's for me above anyone else and should help me understand Jibrael in more depth, and hopefully help me when I'm playing him ingame. So thanks if you read it, mega thanks if you enjoy it.


I find myself at Zub castle more and more often. There's something romantic in the picture of nature sweeping in and laying waste to the things we've built. Most nights it's the same routine: build a fire, hang any wet clothes to dry, empty the bag, sort through all its contents to make more space. Eat, drink, and fall asleep. In the morning I'll read more of the same book I've been reading and re-reading for over a year. Its pages are a mess and laced with dirt and dried mud.

I found this place the second time I traveled with Paula and Rick. He stayed downstairs while Paula and I admired a gorgeous view of Vyshnoye; later, we said our goodbyes as Rick headed out and the two of us set up for the night in different rooms of the castle. Before I slept she'd kissed me on the cheek and left me standing still, frigid and feeling like an idiot under the archway. I remember burning a lot of restless energy afterwards clearing out my room, burning twigs and throwing the trash and empty cans at trees outside. Out of everybody I've met in South Zagoria, her face is the easiest to remember - which I find funny, because she keeps it covered up most of the time. Funny in the same way she laughed at the fact that she used to be a student and I a teacher, probably because she's better off now than I am.

There are a lot of things that I don't remember. People and faces, mostly - it feels like a long, long time since something or somebody's pulled me down to earth. I used to sift through different groups of survivors like some kind of ghost, helping out where I could and leaving before I could be remembered. It was a lot like teaching all over again: most of the time you impart what you know and then you're forgotten. Except I didn't have anything to teach or anybody to learn from.

A few days ago, on top of this castle, I told Paula that I love her and that nothing would get in the way of that. She told me she felt the same way. We later found a dam north of Prigorodki, put down our guns and bags and waded into the water. She lent me some shampoo she'd been keeping to herself and I washed out my hair and face; I came out feeling like a newborn baby.

After she went to sleep, I took a walk through Elektrozavodsk. No anxiety, no distance, no restlessness. The smell of coconut's gone now but the feeling might be here to stay.

Link to comment

I usually don't comment on journals, I just enjoy the read from my shadows... I'm a bit of a voyeur that way but this is really good. I love these kinds of journals that open up the thoughts and feelings of the character and bares their soul. I am also a sucker for anything with a bit of romance. It speaks to my heart. I will definitely be watching this.

Link to comment
  • Legend

Aww! That´s awesome!

Please more! <3

Link to comment
  • Sapphire

Great work! :D

Link to comment
  • Emerald

You break my heart!

Love the journal, buddy. Looking forward to more :) <3

Link to comment
  • Emerald

That was really good, keep it up dude

Link to comment

I always feel like running

Not away from here, not away from anybody, not to some safe retreat I can pull out of my imagination. I feel like running because it pulls me away from thought or focus. You concentrate on your legs, let them drain every thought and feeling from your head and seal it into a footprint.

Today, we kidnapped two people along the coast. One was a man the other Black Hats had issues with, the other was a girl named Dora Atwood. She was only fifteen - I've taught kids her age. What's more, she said she was adopted by Sophia Atwood. It's a name I've been hoping to forget, but there are thoughts, images and memories that can never escape me. I don't think she knew about her mother's death or our part in it, and the way Hector threw those facts in her face marked the first time I've wanted to rip somebody's throat out. But I didn't say or do anything.

Major Tom wanted me downstairs keeping watch because Marcus thought he saw movement in the trees. Sure enough, there were people moving uphill towards the castle, and Tom decided it was time for us to disperse one by one. By the end it was just Paula and Dora in the castle and me outside. I could hear Paula's muffled voice behind the walls, trying to console her and convince her to come out with us. It worked, but as we ran out into the open, so did the men we spotted, taking Dora with them. I didn't say a word. She's much safer with them than with me.

When Paula found me again we were both shaken. She told me she was worried about Dora and I told her about the men who took her. She'd warned me about it, but it still pained me to watch her hold a knife so willingly to the man in front of Dora. When I told her that much she was angry that I thought she'd ever hurt the girl. I know she's been worried about the day I have to watch her torture somebody. She's afraid that's the day I'll walk away from her even though I promise her I won't. I wouldn't. I told her I felt stupid for doubting her and we kissed for a while on a hill overlooking Elektrozavodsk. She put a lot into the kiss.

That's when the running began. We took the road out north, and Paula kept on asking me if I needed to stop - I said no each time. We kept on running until we hit a turn, and kept on running until we reached a camp outside Staroye, where we held hands in front of a fire for a while before she turned in for the night.

After she went to sleep, I threw some logs onto the fire and kept on running. When Sophia Atwood died, Marcus and Aiden built her a small memorial in front of a tree - a raised mound of mud, a fire and a single fish laid down like an offering - and when they showed it to me I choked up a little. This memory doesn't escape me. I felt like running until I'd left Chernarus, run the diameter of the Earth and ended up back at the memorial at Krutoy.

Instead, I ran through Guglovo, through Novy and Stary Sobor, south through Vyshnoye. I didn't stop until I reached Zub. I built a fire. Ate, drank, tried to sleep. The last lines of a book I once read kept making their way to my lips:

"There is accumulation. There is responsibility. And beyond these, there is unrest. There is great unrest."

Link to comment
  • Legend

Wow. That´s again really good! Thank you!

Link to comment
  • Emerald

Ooooh nice to see a BHM member disapprove of what we do! Could lead to some interesting RP from eachother!

Keep it up, buddy! <3

Link to comment

// I love you all. Book spoilers in this next one, you have been warned.


Every now and then I realise there are a lot of people in the BHM that I still don't know. I don't know much about Major Tom besides what I've seen him do to other people. I realised what little I knew of Kalulu when I heard the crack of him breaking a man's finger to pry it off; when Rick revealed to Marcus and I that he knew this woman, Sophia, once, I found that I barely know him at all. This is why I like books: their meanings may be hidden but the clues are always in the same places.

The book is 100 Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Even though I've read it many, many times, I still reread a little bit each morning. It's like coffee. The book describes a family's struggle, over many generations, to escape a never ending cycle of solitude. I still think it's beautifully written, even if I know it so well that reading some of the images now makes me feel sick.

Yesterday, I again reached the scene where José Arcadio Segundo finds himself a purpose: to riot against the monopoly of the banana company. The protest is massive, but the company massacres all the rioters, and he's the only survivor. When José Arcadio Segundo returns to Macondo to tell the others what happened, nobody believes him - not even his brother. Reading it this time reminded me of Dr Matt Brown: he's a lunatic and being around him makes me feel sick, yes, but if - and only if - there's any truth to some of the things he says, he'd be like South Zagoria's very own José Arcadio Segundo. At least in my eyes. I don't know how many people actually believe him, nor do I care.

When we set up camp at Krutoy Cap a few weeks ago it felt like the BHM were quietening down for a while. This is where I met Jack Crovic - another Black Hat I knew nothing about. Paula and I sat in front of the fire opposite him, and while everyone else was away we talked for a while, enjoyed the sounds of the sea. Whenever we'd make it down to Krutoy I'd begin to feel this almost alarming sense of comfort. It was nice, it made me smile.

When Paula left for a while, Jack began telling me more about himself. He's a poor soul; if anything's an embodiment of solitude, it's him. He told me how he lost every single one of his family members, one by one, until there was just him. I watched him as he told me he couldn't cope with it and began to cry, I put my arm around him and told him he'd be alright but I doubt I really knew what I meant. I showed him an old trick I used to do with children: take all your negative thoughts, all your sources of discontent, anger, frustration, fear, and roll them up into one breath. Put an empty container - that time it was a tin can - to your lips and blow those feelings into it. He did it, gave the can to me and I threw it as far as I could into the ocean. I don't think it made him feel better but telling me about everything seemed to get a lot off his shoulders. I guess you grow out of that kind of therapy quite quickly - but I still don't know what else I would have done.

I know Helix has been thinking of finding Dora Atwood lately. I don't know what relation he has to her but whatever it is, I think I'll help him. I haven't been around or talked to a child for so, so long. It gnaws at me sometimes.

Link to comment
  • Emerald

I like the Rick part. There needs to be more of those :P

Link to comment
  • Emerald

Keep up the good stories Jib <3

Link to comment

What bothers me the most about myself is the amount of things I don't know. A lot of my friends used to tell me that in the hierarchy of practical skills, academics have it the worst, but English teachers are a close second. I've had a fishing rod for a few days now and until yesterday it was just extra weight. Fishing is one skill I don't have. While the other Black Hats were shuffling guns around at Kamenka bay, I tried my hand at it; even simple things are intricate when you look at them closely, it took me a while to get it right.

I got in touch with Mick because I didn't know what to do with the fish afterwards. We met up at Gorka and walked to the camp outside Polana, the one with the comfortable beds and nice carpets outside around the campfire. I told him I wanted to make something nice, but different, for Paula - I was counting on the hope that he'd know how to deal with fish. Thankfully he did. He showed me how to cut into one, how to get rid of the bones and organs, how to cook it over a fire without ruining it.

I know Rick's still angry with me but I'm grateful to him for taking me to Mick and Alice's wedding: since the couple came back to South Zagoria, Mick's been nothing but nice and helpful whenever he's around. I didn't know the two at the time, the wedding was short and Hector almost ruined it by calling Alice a bitch, but afterwards I kept thinking that those were two people I would have liked to meet.

After we'd cooked and eaten the fish, I began telling Mick more and more about myself. I had a little cousin who choked badly on a fish bone once but was crazy enough about trout and salmon and tuna to eat them like a pig again a week later. I showed him the house across the street from the supermarket in Polana, where Aiden had hung a note saying he was leaving the BHM to go up north. I showed him the benches on the hill opposite the factory where Paula and I kissed for the first time, and we sat against a tree and talked for a long, long time.

I have a problem of opening up to people who show me the slightest bit of kindness. I can pretend to build cages around my thoughts and feelings but they'll melt like candle wax whenever it happens. It happened with Mick, it happened with Paula, it happened with the other Black Hat captain, Andrei, when we stopped at Zub for a while. Lately I've been finding it harder and harder to keep these things to myself. This is another skill I don't have.

Link to comment
  • MVP

#Demfeels...

That was beautiful buddy! I hope you enjoyed the 2 hour long RP xD

Oh and btw, next time, let's stay away from the quicksand!! ;)

Link to comment
Guest Shadow

I showed him the benches on the hill opposite the factory where Amir and I kissed for the first time,

Fixed it for you ;)

Hehehe

Nice writing dude! Enjoyed it a lot!

Link to comment
  • Legend

I want you to write more! <3

Link to comment
  • Emerald

we sat against a tree and talked for a long, long time.

'talked'

;)

Link to comment
  • Emerald

we sat against a tree and talked for a long, long time.

'talked'

;)

shhh tom it is super secret code that we shouldn't suspect nor know about...

Link to comment
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...