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Old Demons. Journal of Rick DrillWorth

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The Journal of Rick DrillWorth

1985.06.19 - ...

1994, June 19

My mother gave me this blank book for my birthday. Tells me that I should keep track of my daily events. So here I am, writing inside this journal.

I think this is stupid.

April 23, 2001.

I can't believe I found you, my old journal, I thought Seth threw you out all those years ago. Might actually start filling you. God knows I have more going on now than when I was a kid...

October 11, 2005

Guess I was wrong huh? Can't help it, I seem to lack motyvation that is required to make you into a proper journal. However, this day is worth mentioning. I met her a few years back.. She was amazing and pretty much everything I wanted and needed at that moment or probably any given moment. I could probably fill this entire book if I'd start talking about her, but I don't really have the willpower to do that hehe... Her name is Anna. We met on Febuary 14th, 2002. On this day, October 11, 2005 I poped the most important question in my entire life.. and she said "yes". I know people like to say "im the happyest person in the world", but I really am...

I just wanted to make sure I never forget this, for my condition is... deteriorating.

January 20, 2006

Well we had our first fight, she doesn't want to accept my name, wants me to accept her fathers. I can't do that, I always had a goal to carry on the name of my family. Besides DrillWorth sounds way better than Coudston.. Plus some disturbance back at the workshop... Why is this life so hard?..

Hope she doesn't find this hehe...

November 16, 2011

I'm going to be a father... I cant believe it. It always seemed like a dream or something unreachable.. despite that here I am. And I was wrong. I wasn't the happyest person alive, but I am now...

P.S.

Some more good news: my doctor prescribed me some new pills today and said that I haven't showed simptoms for about three years now, could that mean I'm getting better? Oh God, life is wonderful sometimes.

Things are looking up.

August 11, 2012 (*three days after first person was infected in Lithuania*)

Trouble at work, our channel is losing ratings, need new ideas for cartoons, but it seems all ideas are taken already.. Anna is acting up, I just hope those are hormones that our good doctor was telling us about. If that wasn't enough, there's some kind of a bug rapidly spreading throughout the country. The guy on the news said that the goverment reassured that "theres nothing to worry about".

I'm still worried for some reason.

August 19, 2012

There are no words to describe how I feel. Today I saw Mrs.Knyvienė, our kind old cat lady, jump a random guy in the street... She.. She started devouring him whilst he was screaming and trying to get her off.. As I rushed downstairs I heard Anna screaming for me to stay inside. I grabbed my baseball bat that I bought in advance for my unborn son and ran outside to help the man. There was nothing... No old cat lady, no screaming man.. Just a puddle of blood. As I turned my head, the strenght in my fingers faded and the bat fell to the ground.. this was happening everywhere. People killing people with nothing but their bare hands and their teeth..

I gathered all of the important stuff as fast as I could: some cans of food, some bandages and antibiotics, my pills (good thing I just bought a new pack, don't think I'll be able to refill for a while), the baseball bat from the outside and some clothes. We got into the car and drove off to my fathers.

The reason we are going there..heh.. My father was always extremely paranoid. He feared for the nazis or communists to resurface, start a new war. So he built this bunker filled with supplies to last a group of 4-5 people around 4 months or so. Maybe we can wait it out there.

Nothing is more important than keeping Anna safe right now.

And I will do whatever it takes to do that..

August 21, 2012

We are currently safe. Found refuge in a church. Nothing huge. Couple of old people, old couples. Three or four families. And Father James, really nice guy.

...

...

My dad's house was burnt. The bunker empty.

My dad... there was so much blood..

Oh God.

*Rick placed the journal in his bag, it was simply to hard to concentrate on it with everything he witnessed in the last couple of days. He stroked Anna's hair for a while then gently touched her round stomach with his ear and whispered "you're safe..". He placed a kiss on Anna's cheek and his arm on hers, quickly started to drift away somewhere far away from that world. Suddenly a loud voice woke him in shock. Father James screamed: THIS ISN'T A CURSE. THIS IS A TEST SENT BY THE ALMIGHTY. THESE THINGS SHOULDN'T BE FEARED, THEY SHOULD BE EMBRACED, FOR THIS IS OUR JUDGEMENT. THE JUDGED WILL BE GRANTED REDEMPTION!. As soon as his voice stopped, he unlocked the door and the dead started pouring into the church, sinking their teeth into anything that was moving. Rick grabbed Anna and started to push through, hitting anyone that got in his way. He didn't care if they were alive or dead. He had to get Anna out of there.

After what seemed to be an eternity of fighting he somehow got both of them out in once piece. He looked at Anna, smiled and embraced her with his arms.

A warm, red fluid was dripping on his shoe from the bite wound on Annas arm..*

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That was quite a good read, are you going to carry on the story of this man?

Yes!

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August 26, 2012

Been wandering around with Anna. We travel during the day and as the sun starts to set we find a place for me to board up. Day in day out. Is this all that is left to do for us? Look for expired cans of food and always keep moving? As Annas head is resting on my lap I can't help but wonder maybe it would be better for us if we just...

...

NO. I made a promise I would keep her safe. Promises, promises, promises...

OH FUCK. My pills... my goddamn pills.. i left them at the church.. no..no..no.. this is not happening..

August 27, 2012

I did it. I went back to get my medicine. Made sure Anna was asleep and just ran the entire way.

When I got there, everything was pretty much the way I expected it to be. It was quiet, calm, but in absolute chaos at the same time. There were bodies everywhere. As I examined one after another I was terrified by the faces of the unfortunate. By looking in their eyes it felt like I returned to the night it happened. I had flashes, I heard screams, my arms started to hurt like they did after I was done punching my way through the dead... and not yet dead.

Found my bag. Nothing was missing. Why would it be?..

As I was leaving the church I was startled by a voice shouting: "DO NOT MOVE".

At first I didn't know how was I supposed to react, but then, in almost a second, I felt the fear I haven't felt in a long time. As I slowly turned my head I saw a man, he was wearing worn out, dark green, military themed clothes. His hands and his mouth were stained with blood, didn't look fresh. He was pointing a gun at me in one of his hands, the other one was holding a smudged kitchen knife. The blood on the knife seemed the same colour as the one around his mouth.

He smiled showing his curved teeth. "Well, well, well... Didn't think you'd come back here. I saw you and your girly get out, would have come after you, but...*looked at his hands and the knife*..I was a tad bit busy at that particular moment. Well doesn't matter.. What is important is that you're here now. And after I'm done with you..I'm sure that girly of yours is around here somewhere."

And then..something snapped. It felt like I was being pulled back by a pair of hands by my waist. Suddenly I found myself in a dark room. I couldn't feel my body... some sort of a screen or a window in front of what I thought was me. It showed what I was seeing right before I appeared here. I started shouting "HELP!" hoping that someone..anyone would stop that man from what he was about to do.. Then out of the depts of the darkness I heard someone whisper... I got this ..

...

The me outside, whoever He was at that moment punched the man in the face, knocking him down. That was enough for me to get away without him following...but He didn't stop. He kept punching and hitting. The man, choking on his own blood and teeth, tried to say something.. All I could make out was: "Stop..sorr...please."... But He didn't let up. Punch after punch the darkness started to fade, and in a few seconds I was the one punching the man. As soon as I felt that im not hitting the man anymore, but the concrete underneath where his face once was, I stood up and ran back to Anna.

She was eating a can of beans when I walked in and dropped it on the ground when she saw my bloddy, broken hands.

All I said was: "Everythings fine".

So much for no simptoms, Doc.

He's back.

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Good read, one question, at the end of the first installment you stated that there was blood dripping from a bite wound on Anna's arm, how is she still alive and not yet infected?

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Good read, one question, at the end of the first installment you stated that there was blood dripping from a bite wound on Anna's arm, how is she still alive and not yet infected?

Oh yes she is infected. Rick just doesn't notice the the change yet. It's different with each person. I just wanted to concentrate on Ricks "condition" if you will on these entries.

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Good read, one question, at the end of the first installment you stated that there was blood dripping from a bite wound on Anna's arm, how is she still alive and not yet infected?

Oh yes she is infected. Rick just doesn't notice the the change yet. It's different with each person. I just wanted to concentrate on Ricks "condition" if you will on these entries.

Oh ok, keep up the good work.

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Good read, one question, at the end of the first installment you stated that there was blood dripping from a bite wound on Anna's arm, how is she still alive and not yet infected?

Oh yes she is infected. Rick just doesn't notice the the change yet. It's different with each person. I just wanted to concentrate on Ricks "condition" if you will on these entries.

Oh ok, keep up the good work.

thanks man!

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... And then there was silence. No birds.. No insects... no wind. Just the all-engulfing darkness of the night. As I was standing there, trying to comprehend what have I done, the silence was interupted by the occasional drop of blood that was running down my hands onto the already red hatchet, down to the fresh, recently moved dirt. I fell to my knees. Then I heard the voice again: "Nice job." ...

August 28, 2012

We're safe for the time being. I found an abandoned shack in the middle of nowhere. No cities mean no people, no people - no dead. They seem to be uninterested, that is untill they see fresh flesh. As I'm sitting here, looking at the things previous occupants left behind and examining the paintings on surrounding walls I can't ignore the fact that... that things are bad. I was so worried about my problems, that I forgot my surroundings. I think Anna's comming down with something. She said that about an hour after we left the church she started to feel dizzy, light headed, just didn't want to bother me. How could that bother me? My life means nothing, she is the priority and im trying to make her realise that. I'm just glad she eventually told me. This must never happen again.

She's been taking antibiotics. There's a wound on her arm, looks like a bite. I cleaned it up. It looked like the wound caught an infection. The flesh around the bite was grey and the blood that was dripping was sticky and black. No wonder. If those things attack with their teeth I can only imagine what kind of bacteria they carry around between their chompers..

August 29, 2012

I don't know what to do. Anna couldn't get up this morning. She said it hurts all over and she's cold, its hard to breathe, she feels weak and... I can't.. I just can't.. I feel useless.. I'm no doctor, I don't know what I'm doing! ALL I CAN DO IS HOPE FOR HER TO GET BETTER. I'm not leaving her side. We won't be moving untill she gets better. I'm sure she will. After Anna can walk again I think we

*As Rick was sitting next to Anna and writing a new entry while listening to Anna's heavy breathing he suddenly turned his head towards her with a terrified face. Anna suddenly went silent. He dropped his journal and yelled her name, shaking her, panicking. She didn't wake up.

As Anna passed away, so did part of Ricks sanity.*

*Rick ventured into the closest town he could find, looted couple of buildings, but all he took was a shovel, a hatchet and a white cloth. He came back to the shack and dug a deep hole in the woods nearby. With each scope of dirt he felt weaker and weaker. His mind crumbling as he was forced to do what he was doing. Trying to figure out why did this happen, trying to remember what he did to deserve this. A hour passed, then another one..and another.. When Rick finished, it was close to midnight. He wrapped Annas body in the cloth and carried it to her grave. He climbed down first and took Annas body down with him. As he got out and was standing over the body of his wife a tear built up in his eyes, for he could see the girl in front of him in the back of his mind. Glowing, smiling, radiating life.. He realised he will never see her again, feel her hand on his cheek, never taste her lips, never hear her laugh at one of his stupid puns... never see his son. His thoughts were interupted by a gurgling spash of black liquid colouring the spot on the cloth where Annas mouth should have been. The body of Ricks deceased wife rapidly freed itself and tryed to grab his leg, chomping and clicking its teeth at him, screaming in agony and pain. Rick backed up terrified as the reanimation made its way out of the grave and threw itself in Ricks direction. Rick accepted his fate and closed his eyes, when someone caught his hand from the inside, filling his fingers like it was a glove, rapidly grabbed the hatchet on Ricks back and with one swift blow burried it inside Annas forehead. The zed fell backwards from where it came making a simmilar sound to a bag of books being thorwn on the ground.

And then there was silence. No birds.. No insects... no wind. Just the all-engulfing darkness of the night. As Rick was standing there, trying to comprehend what has he done, the silence was interupted by the occasional drop of blood that was running down his hands onto the already red hatchet, down to the fresh, recently moved dirt. He fell to his knees. Then he heard the voice again: "Nice job."*

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Wow, i like your motivation towards writing this journal, i would have the will to do it :) Carry on! :)

thanks :D get whitelisted already

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Guest Dolphin

Wheres the journal you said you were going to write my character?

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Wheres the journal you said you were going to write my character?

Soon...soon...

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Date: Unknown

It's been so long, but it still haunts my dreams, turning them into horrific nightfrights...

I ran out of medication about three weeks ago, atleast I think it was three weeks ago.. Since about a week ago, I guess, I've been having blackouts. One moment I'm walking around, the next I wake up, hungry and thirsty.. Sometimes soaked in blood, fresh blood, blood that does not belong to my wounds.. completely different location. I lost track of time. I decided to keep the entries going. Maybe one day someone will find my lifeless carcass and read these words. Maybe someone, who never knew me will feel the need to forgive me, to pity me. I guess I need forgiveness. I just don't know from who.

Today I got off my worthless ass to find some food to prolong myself. I broke into a house and amongst the things I found was a still working radio. When I turned it on a message reached my ears which normally would pick up a hopeless person, but it brought me down to tears...

Primary protocols have failed to contain outbreak.

Fail safes have proved ineffective in cointaining the outbreak.

Any other plan that was initiated by the remains of different goverments to contain the outbreak...

have failed.

In hopes of salvaging whats left of the human population a quarantined island has been established.

All survivors are checked for simptoms to ensure maximum safety for the uninfected.

Pick up posts located in New York, S*static*, Ir*static*and, Chernarus.

Food, shelter, protection guaranteed.

If only we missed the church... Anna would be here, she would be smiling as I tell her the good news..she...she...

*Rick wipes eyes and takes a big breath of air as he turns his eyes to the ceiling*

I will go there. I think it's what Anna would have wanted.. First thing tommorow I stock up on food and..

*suddenly Rick drops his pen and stares motionless right through the book. Then re-reads what his hands just wrote, throws the journal carelessly into his bag. Stands up and leaves the abandoned building. He pulls out his compass and looks towards a certain direction.*

-Sounds like a plan.

Date:unknown

I think..I should be in Chernarus already. But theres nothing here... How..why.. The voice clearly said Cher-na-rus. I couldn't have misheard that.. Was there... Was there really a voice? I heard voices of people who weren't there before.. Was there a radio to begin with?..God.. How can I be sure? If I really heard it shouldn't there be some signs pointing survivors to the right direction? or... or other people or something? SOMETHING. But its empty.. I'm starting to realise it's all empty. All is left for any of us is survive and exist untill we cease.

Maybe im not in Chernarus yet?..

*Rick closes his journal and puts it inside one of the pockets of his brown, worn out, lether jacket. As the poor excuse for a fire that dances in the middle of an abandoned room he slowly closed his eyes, preparing himself for another nightmare that lies ahead.*

Date: unknown

It happened again. I woke up..somewhere. Close to a city. My bag gone. Everything gone..except my journal and my pen that I placed in my pockets when I was last... awake. I ventured out to find something I could use to defent myself, but I was sloppy. Attracted attention. got 5 or 6 of those things to chase me. As I was running I noticed a church nearby.. why did it have to be a church?...

I ran inside and froze in a state of shock, I felt weakness in my knees. Anna was right there. Standing in front of me. Holding a hunting rifle. I swear the god one more second and I would have jumped right at her, that would probably have killed me, because the voice that followed my entrance woke me up and Anna was gone. In her place stood a girl with a hunting rifle.

Get inside!

It was a girl. Couldn't tell her age. With my condition getting worse I find it hard to remember things like faces, names, facts.. I think her name was *a word smudged out, followed by a few more words that were crossed out*. She didn't know me. Didn't know what I was capable of..and yet she still provided me with a hatchet and a map. I feel I owed her. I guess for a brief moment of time I found someone to look after again. Didn't last long. We got attacked right after we left the building. *a line of crossed out names* was hurt pretty bad.. she was in and out as we walked through the night of the desolated land. I told her I would run out, find something to patch her up, then we'll find a safe spot to spend the night. As I ran off I stopped and yelled: "if im not back in 10 minutes don't wait for me". Can you believe that? Like I was a goddamn fuc*crossed out by alot of pen lines* movie star. Damn joke. I sure as hell took longer than 10 minutes. Got held up by a roaming group of those things. When I came back..she was gone.

Why is this happening to me?

*the rest of the page has been filled with chaotic writing. The words that could be recognised were: "why", "Med student from US", "must find", "Make sure", "okay".

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Very good read! Liked it a lot. :D

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Date: unknown

I am almost no more. My mind has been shattered. Chaotic shuffle of memories racing inside my brain. I can't tell who am I anymore. It feels like something being reconstructed within me. Memories of my life leaving their proper place, claiming another. Sometimes I see the future, but it's the past. I see this in the present while being before past started. Is this what it feels like to be insane? It just feels disorganised, but when I try to fix this, I don't have the strenght..

Last night I could swear I was nine again, running along side Seth like the future didn't happen at all, then in a blink of an eye I appeared nowhere. Standing in the middle of the field, darkness surrounding me. Oh my god.. Seth.. He's out there.. all alone.. my little brother is out there. Hes probably dead. No..no..I'm sure hes fine.

I can't remember yesterday.. or the day before. I forgot I had this journal. I forgot that I'm searching for a girl. Sometimes I even forget what I'm doing while I'm doing it... It's getting harder. The blackouts are getting worse and unpredictable. Before it could have happened if I fell asleep or was in a state of extreme stress, shock, and now..

Today I was making a fireplace, as I was placing wood inside of the rock boundaries, I blinked once and I was somewhere else. I had a bullet wound in my arm, which comforted me, because at first glance I didn't realise all that blood on my hands and clothes was mine. Lost all of my things, except my journal. For some reason I never leave it behind when I'm out. I've been trying to find some more pills around the hospitals of chernarus. I forgot the name, so I just wrote down "green bottle - blue pills". I fear that one of these days I'll close my eyes for a second and wont be able to open them again.

Because of my condition this journal is the only way left for me to preserve my new memories and whatever is left from my old ones.

Maybe someone someday will read my journal, if you do, congratulations. You survived longer than me.

Date: unknown

*Rick is sitting in a windowless apartament block, shaking, both of his hands placed on his lowered head, the only sound that can be heard inside the room is the air that he's pushing through his teeth. He takes his journal and starts a new entry.*

This went too far. Today I realised that I no longer have that tiny thread of control that I thought I held firmly in my grip.

I met a man in the woods today. He said his name was Jimmy. Without any small talk he asked if I needed anything.. food, drinks, medical attention. I asked if he had any food for I didn't remember when was the last time I ate. He offered me some bacon and a smile appeared on my face forcing his lips into a gesture of hapiness aswell. He took off his backpack and started to dig through his things.. I heard whispering. A faint one. Then it got louder..and louder..and louder.. my head started to spin. I was surrounded by waves of invisible static sounds composed of hundreds of whispering voices. I thought I was going to faint. In a second it got quiet. As I turned my head around trying to understand what just happened Jimmy was nowhere in sight. My body went numb.. My eyes fell to the ground. I was standing and beneath was Jimmy. His eyes filled with tears, his face frozen in fear, his lips muttering the word "stop". I felt my socks getting wet from the blood that was pouring out of the wound that was made by my hatchet in his chest. I started shouting "NO NO NO NO".I grabbed all the bandages I had and started... I didn't start. I didn't know what to do. There was a fucking hatchet about three inches deep inside his chest bones. I held his head as he released the blood that built up in his mouth and started to scream "I'm sorry". It didn't take long for him to die, but it was painful... I couldn't stay there for long. I was sure that my screaming attracted some attention, dead or alive. I started to walk away, but stopped and turned my eyes to his backpack.

Would you, whoever is reading this, have left the food? It's just how it is now. I opened his bag. No food. No water. Couple bottles of choroform, a few rags, a bloody bone cutting knife and a bag filled with.. with fingers. I couldn't keep my balance and fell back, releasing the bag and its continents on the ground. I turned my head to Jimmy's corpse as my lips almost on their own whispered:

"He saved me."

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Date: unknown

Found something to keep me busy...

lS0nSOP.jpg

c15Cawa.jpg

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Date: unknown

I feel the need to engrave this day into my journal as a turning point in my life. I had decided to end myself. I thought that if I did this, no one else would get hurt, good or bad. I wouldn't have to live in constant fear that I might not wake up where I fell asleep. I wouldn't have to fear the dead that is not so dead anymore, wouldn't have to live in fear of waking up and finding myself being devoured alive by a random roamer.

I wouldn't be hungry, thirsty, scared..wouldn't be a danger...

The plan was me jumping off a building..any building, just has to be tall enough. Then I realised I wouldn't be..you know...completely dead. i don't want to die and realise I'm still alive, trapped in my own mind, forced to witness my decomposing body search and eat fresh flesh. Then my eyes turned to the pistol Jimmy had in his bag.

Quick and if I do this right painless..

I could see Anna..my dad.. heck, who am I kidding? probably even Seth..

These thoughts inside my mind made my arm rise and my painful fingers wrap around the handle, placing the right end to the right side of my bloody head. I was scared. Somewhere deep down I knew I couldn't do it, I guess at first it was just a way for me to realise that I have that option. But then, almost in a second, I felt it. I felt i could do it right here, right now, end everything, stop the struggle, stop the apocalypse...stop the pain...

I said goodbye quietly in my mind and decided to pull the triger..

Out of nowhere my left hand which was holding my hunting knife drove it right between my arm bones, forcing me to drop my weapon and scream in pain. I pulled it out, bandaged it, took a few pills of painkillers, antibiotics, just to be safe, and injected a bit of morphine. When I was able to think clearly again I realised..

My goddamn hand took out a knife and drove it through my other arm on its own...

I was just staring with my jaw open, not understanding. My eyes going to my wound, then to my other arm, then to the wound again.

Words came out of me on their own:

After all I did this is how you repay me

I knew there was no one there, that my mouth was the owner of those words, but it still made me look around in fear. I just couldn't believe what was happening. I closed my eyes, comforting myself by thinking that I will wake up soon.

Things are going to change. Not everything is up to you anymore..

I screamed: GET OUT!

But I could only hear a faint laughter inside the depths of my mind.

Date: Unknown

My luck.. my luck has changed I guess. Running around the forest like a madman with no destination helped me. I found a camp. It was full with survivors. I didn't go there at first. Camped in the forest nearby for a few days, listening, studying. I don't want the Jimmy accident to happen again. I stayed out there for hours, trying to catch a glimpse of anything sinister, but there was nothing that could alert me. People coming in and out. People talking.. People laughing..

I decided to try my luck. On the fifth day I woke up got my things on my back and started to approach the house. There were 2 people.

I said hello, so did they. Asked for my name, I gave it. Offered me supplies, I took them. Then they just continued to talk among themselves. Like I was supposed to be there.

I felt how my grip on the pistol in my pocket tightened. I panicked.

Pulled out my weapon and started to scream:

"WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE? WHY ARE YOU SO..WHY IS THIS PLACE SO..SO..NORMAL??!"

They didn't seem alerted, I probably wasn't the first edgy guy to walk in on them. After they got me to lower my gun and got me to sit down we talked. They explained that this area was called Prud. A spot for survivors to..take a breather. It's by no means safe, they said, and has it's occasional roamer horde or bad people attack.

I got comfortable in an hour or so. Listening to stories about who is who, who to avoid, where not to go. And I couldn't believe it but eventually I got bored..haha can you, whoever is reading this, believe it? I GOT BORED. I missed that feeling so so much.

I pulled out the radio that told me to go to Chernarus and turned it on, not a phone, but still something to keep me buisy he he.. I went through all frequencies one by one like I was searching for a game commentary or an old song. Thinking like that made me remember where I really was..what was around me. The temporarily dulled pain in my mind started to grow and as I was placing my thumb on the on/off switch.. it happened:

"He..lo. Hell...o."

I didn't really know what to do so I did the only thing that seemed appropriate..

"Umm..Hello?"

As I replied i tried to tweek the handle to get the right frequency, fearing the voice might dissapear forever.

"O.. he..y! You..o..kay?"

"Woah..um..yes..yes I am fine.. are..you?"

"Oh. Yeah im great. Whats your name?"

"Err..Rick..My name is Rick."

"Hey Rick. Nice to hear you're alive.

My name is Cece."

Her name was Cece and she was alive.

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Date: unknown

I couldn't stay there anymore. People here they..they are normal. I can't be around normal, not now... not yet. I have to keep Him away from causing anymore pain. Yes, He saved me, but He killed to do it..

I met Timothy. A friendly old chap. He looks pretty young still and...well..damaged, hurt maybe. I see myself within him. I feel the need to try and pull him out to safety. it's not my call, but I.. I just know I'll get some closure atleast if I manage to help him somehow. I don't know what happened to him that made him..like he is, but.. knowing what kind of things happen these days I think I'm not far away from the truth with my speculations.

A few days ago we met outside Prud. He was looking for a girl named.. named.. Dora.. Yes.. yes, Dora. I decided to help him look for her and... It happened.. I almost lost it.. Forgot to take my pills. At first I thought it was a heat stroke or something. He was fighting to come out. He didn't like Timothy. I fought and thank god.. I won, that time. We eventually managed to find the girl, but I took my pills way too late. I felt Him taking control again, I had to leave, had to keep everyone from seeing what I am.

I met Cece the other day aswell. We agreed that she would come visit me at Prud. I waited and she eventually was here. She was.. well.. she was gorgeous. I can recall her eyes.. green.. spring green, her brown hair. And the voice. It was a voice filled with hope, filled with optimism, a joyful voice.

We spent a day together. Managed to find a pool table in Stary Sobor, played for a little while, I was conquering her, didn't know I was this good at that game. Eventually I had to let her win.. he he... I won our bet and now she owes me a settle romantic dinner! Too bad..

That made me think, made me remember what I'm hiding. What if I lose it again, what if He sees a threat and decides not to take the risk.

I can't allow that to happen.

I won't allow it.

From a couple of lads in army gear I heard that theres an island. Two islands acctually. Its not far enough to be unreachable, but not close enough for me..Him.. Us to hurt anyone. It's called Namalsk. I will leave and I won't return untill I have atleast some sort of control.

Try hard or die trying.

Either way, this is whats best for me now. I'm sure of it.

*Rick closes his jounral, wraps it in a cloth and places it in his bag. With a smudged, rusty spoon he finishes the last of his beans and disposes of the can. As he places the bag on his back he turns around and sees a flickering light at Prud. People talking, laughing. He closes his eyes and leaves it all behind his back as he walks through the darkness of a Chernarussian night. He pulls out his compass and turns a little more to the left.*

-This will be fun.

*Surprised by the voice comming out of his mouth he replies*

-Shut up.

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I will never approve of what we do.

*Rick stops in the middle of his sentence to tear another juicy chunk away from the bone in his hands*

I thought this place was supposed to help me, but it made everything worse. It MADE us do the things I was trying to avoid and even worse.. yet, I don't really have a choice while I'm here.

Quit your whining, the meat is getting cold, we wont be able to cook it twice. Things freeze fast here and I can't eat if you're babling..

I think it's time to go back. We can't stay here anymore, I can't do this. We need to stop before I fall too far.

You and I both know theres no going back, even if we return.

It's just so cold here.. so quiet.. just me and you, I need to go back, I don't care what you do, let's just go back..

Well.. I don't want to get shot by some know-it-all do-gooder when we return. What I did.. what we

re going to do.. pretty sure deserve a bullet in our brain for that.

Maybe no one will recognise us. I mean it's been a while..

Doesn't hurt to find out safely first..

*Rick reaches out to a bloody pile of clothes next to the flickering fire and a dull, bloody knife, from under the pile he pulls out a small journal*

Jonathan Burdock.. this'll do for now.

*crunch crunch crunch*

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