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Server time (UTC): 2021-10-22 18:33

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I can't see how people seem to deal with life now days. It seems everyone goes about their time unnerved by the fact it is the end of the world. Maybe everyone is just like me, putting up a face to keep their feeling from showing, who knows...

However people are doing I know how I'm doing, I can feel myself starting to crack. The pressure of having to be a killer, a murderer. I'm tired of the whole "defending ourselves" routine, I get we have to protect each other but how can they honestly expect me to kill people in a situation where even they don't know what to do! I'm sixteen for gods sake, I should be in school studying... not killing my fellow man. All my fellow watchers want me to just trudge on and keep going, to lay my life down on the line to protect them. Almost as if they don't care about what shit I am going through, how it must feel to have killed a man at sixteen. And to want to kill.

That's one of the things I can't get my head around, my burning passion to kill a choice few. Bobby Rice, Victor Cruz, even Siorre is on my list of targets. All these men are evil in my eyes but even then, back in the 'normal' world evil men were just sentenced to prison for a while, hardly was anyone killed. Yet here I am, three different people and my own wanted list.

Everyone is blaming me for running, for trying to survive. There we were at Poebeda, S.D.S. surrounding us and everyone and no one had ANY idea what to do. So I ran for the hills to avoid getting shot. Now everyone hates me for it, especially Kevin. Jesus... Kevin shot me for it and threatened to kill me if I did it again. God, just living is something wrong now.

Siorre's brother gave me some wonderful pills, they make me feel great. I can almost forget the horrible things I've seen and done. Almost. Helps keep the pain away as well, I fell on my leg funny while using the pills and when it wore off I was in so much pain.

I'd like to say it is good to sit here and think to myself but it's just painful. Brings up past memories, makes me think of the horrible future. Maybe I'll just try and keep my head down, keep numbing my thoughts, and just keep on trudging along...

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