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Server time (UTC): 2023-01-31 07:52

Need some opinions on what i got so far


Guest EZeggs

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"We could do it John, we can run away right now. Just the two of us!"

"Are you serious Brian? Why would we leave, we'll die out there!"

"Were killing Innocent people!"

"But we HAVE to. We were all starving that last month until we started doing this, and It's working."

"Maybe you can handle shooting those people, but i just can't take it anymore!"

"Whatever. You can go, i'm not stopping you from killing yourself out there."

"John we can survive. It was different back then. We didn't know what to do. But now we do. C'mon..."

"WE NEARLY DIED OUT THERE! I won't risk my live just cause YOU can't handle killing them!"

"FINE! I'll just go by myself then!"

"GO! I don't care!"

Brian Park:

Brian Park was born on the island of Oahu. He always wondered what was beyond the small rock he called home. Once he Graduated he went straight to the country named Chernarus. There he stayed at one of his close friends house, John Sawyer and attended a collage. He made three other friends as well like Susan Baker, Amy fields,and Jared Alfred.

On the day of the Outbreak, the five of them went to the library to study for they're Finals. Suddenly Susan started feeling ill, so they drove her to the hospital. A roadblock Stopped them from driving any further. Brian and John went and talked to one of the officers and told them their situation, but they were told that the officer was not given any information. They kept arguing with the officer until they heard a Scream of terror.

They ran towards the Car. They looked through the window and saw Susan biting Jared's neck. Amy was in the car but could not move. she was paralyzed with fear. The officer tried opening the door, but the door was locked. the key was in the car. The thing that was once Susan turned around and lunged at Amy next. The Officer and the two boys tried breaking the window, until they heard more screams. Zeds surrounding the road. Brian could not move until John grabbed Brian's hands and ran toward the forest.

8 Days later. Brian and John were in the forest. They both could not move. the exhaustion, Starvation, and Dehydration made them fall to floor of the forest. Brian accepted his fate, and laid there waiting to close his eyes, and never wake up. Until he heard voices. With his final strength, Brian shouted for help. The owners of the voices ran towards them. Brian and John were rescued.

They joined the group that saved them. The group was part of a peaceful clan. Brian and John were blessed. They were getting food and water. Beds to sleep on. It was truly a sanctuary for them. But three month later, it all changed. Rations were getting smaller. There was more people dying from sickness, because of the lack of medicine. Everyone was back to starving.

The clan was desperate. They looted most of the area, there were barely any supplies left. This is when they went to drastic measures to survive. The clan leader became somewhat of a dictator. anyone to not follow his commands was killed. he also selected a group of people to find other survivors and kill them to take their supplies. Brian and John were one of the selected few.

Brian and John went several times. Brian was forced to kill three people before he could not take it anymore. He wanted to escape. Brian stole the keys for one of the clan's car, and went to persuade John to come with him. He told him that they should go but as they argued, they agreed that they should part ways. Brian drove the car as far as it could take him. once it ran out of gas he got out, and thought about what he should do next.


Please give me your opinions about this. i am open to any criticism :)

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I really like how you start with a conversation that engages the reader and you reveal the situation it was part of at the end. Could do with a bit more information about his life in Chernarus before the outbreak, why he went there for college when people wouldn't speak English for example. Engaging read apart from that.

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Could do with a bit more information about his life in Chernarus before the outbreak, why he went there for college when people wouldn't speak English for example. Engaging read apart from that.

Dang i should've done more research on Chernarus before i wrote this DX. Where is Chernarus suppose to be located? and thanks for the replay :D


Could do with a bit more information about his life in Chernarus before the outbreak, why he went there for college when people wouldn't speak English for example. Engaging read apart from that.

Dang i should've done more research on Chernarus before i wrote this DX. Where is Chernarus suppose to be located? and thanks for the replay :D

reply*

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Chernarus is south of russia and the primary language is russian.

The story itself wasn't that bad I especially liked the opening dialogue, but there are a few errors here and there and it seems a bit rushed. Fleshing it out more would help but putting in more words to say what is already there would just make it seem like a cluttered mess. Try slowing down the story pacing yourself. Focusing on one aspect of the story at a time.

On the day of the Outbreak, the five of them went to the library to study for they're Finals. Suddenly Susan started feeling ill, so they drove her to the hospital. A roadblock Stopped them from driving any further. Brian and John went and talked to one of the officers and told them their situation, but they were told that the officer was not given any information. They kept arguing with the officer until they heard a Scream of terror.

My interpretation:

The day of the outbreak was fairly cloudy as it had been raining quite a lot recently. That day we were heading to the public library to study for finals which were next week. When we had arrived Susan had accidentally slammed here index finger in the car door. So, after some panic we piled back into the car and drove her to the hospital.

As we approached the hospital we were stopped by a roadblock manned by a couple of soldiers. John and I got out and tried to explain our situation to them but they said that the hospital was under quarantine and that they should seek help somewhere else. Then they heard the scream.

That's just my example, I don't claim to be the best writer alive but I think that it illustrates the point I'm trying to make.

-Tex

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Chernarus is south of russia and the primary language is russian.

The story itself wasn't that bad I especially liked the opening dialogue, but there are a few errors here and there and it seems a bit rushed. Fleshing it out more would help but putting in more words to say what is already there would just make it seem like a cluttered mess. Try slowing down the story pacing yourself. Focusing on one aspect of the story at a time.

Thanks, very helpful :). I also felt i rushed a bit in the back story too. And your example was also very detailed and gave me an idea of what to do when i edit my story. Thanks

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