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What are you now-Community story

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Last edit:Input from-Squidly date-11/19

First input on the story from-General Azziz-Thank you my friend!

CALL TO ARTIST!-If any of you are good with drawing and that stuff,please feel free to draw art based on the story,just send it to me and ill include it!

Hey guys,

this is going to be a story I continue to write and edit based on how the community responds to it! That means your input is NEEDED!What you guys suggest may be added to the story!(Sorry to anyone hoping this is like the "Dayz,one sentence at a a time" No this is just a story im making but I dont want it all to be made by me,i want the community to take part in this!

So i hope you enjoy!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

December 5th, sunday morning

Jim is awoken to the sound of a loud *THUD*

"What was that?Billy!Wake up! I think somethings in the house!"

"Im sure its-*yawns*Just the wind...Go back to bed"

"No...something...or someone is in the house...im'a go check."

*Jim picks up his Colt 1911 resting on his Bed side table*

"Hello?"*

*Jim creeks down the steps*

"Heellloo?Anyone there?"

*A loud rustling can be heard with heavy foot steps of running*

"Who the fu~~ are you?!"

*More running as it gets closer and closer to where Jim stands on the stairs*

"BILLY! GET UP! SOMETHING IS IN THE HOUSE!!BILLY GRAB YOUR GUN!!"

*Billy jumps out of bed. Just as he reaches his Shot gun A shot rings out down stairs*

"Jim?!You ok?!JIM!"

*A long silence breaks out*

"Yeah...thanks for the help"

*Billy runs down stairs,keeping his shot gun at the ready*

"you sure your o- WOW! you sure did A number on that one Jim"

5iRxV.png

Picture by-Toorrik Thanks friend.

*Looking down at the body that is sprawled on the floor,its jaw missing and blood pooling out from its mouth.A chunk is missing from the right side of its head exposing the skull.

"Yeah...I told 'Ya. Something was in the house! But NOOOOO...its just the wiiindd.."

"Sorrey Jim-man...Guess next time I should listen to 'ya...this could'a been very very bad for us."

*Jim puts his back on the wall and slides down to sit*

"Billy...I just...I just shot a man..."

"Yeah you did! Mr.Protector! So...what should we do now?Call the sheriff?"

"No...No...He comes up here ill be arrested..."

"But this guy broke in...you cant be arrested"

"Yeah but still...lets bury him out back under the 'ol Oak."

"What about his family? What if they want to see him one more time?You gata heave a heart here man..."

"Billy...Hes going to be under the 'ol Oak...that is my sign of respect that we dont just throw him on the side of the road.."

*Jim stands up and picks up the mans arms*

"Grab his feet billy,come on now."

"Fine...I still say we have someone like an ambulance come pick him up so his family can say goodbye.."

*They drag the body out side to the tree where jim digs a 6 foot deep hole*

"Alright,throw him in"

"Throw him in?! Im not just gana THROW him in!"

"Look Billy...We aint got another choice now push him in the dang hole!"

*Billy moves in closer to jim*

"You know what jim...Your a cold hearted...mother fu~~er..."

"Come on on Billy...Fine grab his legs will "Lay him" in the hole"

*They both bend over picking up the body and setting it in the hole*

"There,Was that so bad Billy?"

"Yeah Jim...It kinda was because noone is gana get to say goodbye to their father,husband,brother,uncle,FAMILY OR FRIEND!"

"Alright alright,Whats you say we go into town and ask around,see if anyone knows this man,get a good look,youll have to describe em to people."

"Right..Let me just grab some stuff"

"Sounds all good to me"

*they climb into their two door old Ford Truck.Engine revs up in the cold of the Early morning,They set out on the old dirt road*

"Jesus its so cold out here..."

"Well what did you expect Billy? Did you think the sun would be beating down?"

"No..But...its never been this co--"

*In the head lights they see A man crouched on the side of the road*

"'Eh Jimmay,You see him up there?What you Spose hes doin?"

"No idea,should we stop and ask if he needs help?"

"Sounds good,slow down a bit,ill yell out'a the window"

*Jim slows the tuck down but not to a complete stop*

"HEY BUDDY! YOU OK?! NEED SOME HELP?!"

*The man turns his head,in the head lights they see nothing but darkness in the mans eyes,as if he isnt even there.*

"What in the..."

*The man is holding an arm from the body that lay in front of him,blood all over his cloths and on his face*

"Billy...thats the same look the robber had...the emptiness in the eyes"

"Do you think something is going around Jim? Like a flu or something?"

"No..I dought that is caused by a flu..."

*The man crouch stands up and lets out a Large growl of the sorts*

"Oh...My...God...JIM! HIT THE GAS!! GOOO! DONT STOP!"

*The man starts running with all his might for the truck and is now in the middle of the road*

"OH MY GOD! JUST HIT EM JIM! JUST HIT EM!"

*Jim rams the guy with the truck sending him over the hood and behind the truck,they speed away*

"JESUS! WHAT WAS THAT!DID YOU SEE HIM!"

"Yeah Billy...I saw...We need to get to town,quick...find out whats going on.."

*They pull into a gas station down the road to fill up*

"Jim..."

"What now billy,do you wana find his family to"

"No Jim...Sumtin aint right here...Why would he do that? thats not very normal.."

"No billy...people shouldn't just run at a truck doing 60...It clearly aint normal."

"Alright well...I say we talk to the sheriff now and ask about all of this....Crazyness going on..."

"Well who knows,it could just be those two people."

"I guess your right"

-----------------------------------------------

PART 2-It begins

-----------------------------------------------

*They pull into the police department parking lot*

"Excuse me,officer.Wheres the sheriff at?"

"Hes out on A rescue mission."

"Rescue mission? For who?"

"Some camp site got over run but some crazy people"

"Crazy people...What do you mean?"

"Crazy people...Like they attack other people and eat them... then move on and do the same to others..."

"No...Oh lord no..."

"What is it? If you have any info that could help us i suggest you say it."

"Well...Im not sure if it was one of them but someone broke into our Cabin up in the wood...I think he was gana attack me but i shot him before he could...and then we saw one on the side of the road eating a dead man..."

"Alright,I will report the info to my boss,for now i suggest you go to the Camp the Military set up on the outside of town."

"Ok,thanks"

*They pull out and drive out of town*

"Jim..."

"Don't worry billy...we will be ok"

"No Jim...What do you think this is?"

"Im not sure Billy...Guess we could'a asked that officer but little late now...He suggest we head outa town,thats what we are gana do."

*A few hours pass by*

"Billy,hey billy... BILLY! wake up!"

"What! whats wrong!"

"I need your I.D man,the guard needs it for us to get into the camp."

"You coulda grabed it 'yo self..."

"Sorry bud,didnt know where to find it"

*Jim hands over the I.D's*

"Jim and Billy? Alright listen here and listen good....This camp has no Tolerence for Violence if you have a problem with someone else grow the FUC~ up and deal with it! You leave the camp no promise your spot on the site will be here. That means you leave,you may not be allowed back in! Any problem following the camp rules results in you being thrown out and not allowed back for 48 hours! understand?"

*Both of them Respond together*

"Yes sir"

"Alright...Head on in,parkin on the right,check in on the left,go there to get a room and food"

"Thank you sir"

*They pull in and park the truck. Jim sits back in his seat*

"You coming Jim? We gata check in mate"

"Billy...Im not sure any of us will be safe here..."

"Why not? Its guarded by the military...thats pretty safe..."

"But look,they just sent a good 20 out on different patrols...those men get attacked and come back...how will they hold em off? I mean really think about it billy..."

"Well I see your point... But this is our best chance...Comeon,get checked in and Rest...You need it"

-+-WORKING ON THIS PART-+-

TO BE CONTINUED!

But to Continue I need Community input as to what should happen in the story.

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((Im guessing this all happens before Jim and Billy realize that there is an apocalypse happening.))

So, Jim and Billy get in their truck and start down the twisting road. When they get to a turn in the road their headlights illuminate one of the most gruesome images they have ever seen. A man is bent over eating another. The zombie swiftly turns at stares at them with its soulless eyes....... (what do they do?)

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((Im guessing this all happens before Jim and Billy realize that there is an apocalypse happening.))

So, Jim and Billy get in their truck and start down the twisting road. When they get to a turn in the road their headlights illuminate one of the most gruesome images they have ever seen. A man is bent over eating another. The zombie swiftly turns at stares at them with its soulless eyes....... (what do they do?)

I like it :) Ill be sure to add it to the story.

And I had planned this to be set a little into the Apocalypse,but I think before works out just as good :)

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Thanks General Azziz! And your Contribution to the story has been noted on the top of the page if you didnt notice :)

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Toorrik    4

Okay. I love it so far, but there is two things here I don't quite get or could be changed slightly.

"you sure your o- WOW! you sure did A number on that one Jim"

*Looking down at the now dead Zombie,where jims bullet lay in its skull.*

"Yeah...I told 'Ya. Something was in the house! But NOOOOO...its just the wiiindd.."

"Sorrey Jim-man...Guess next time I should listen to 'ya...this could'a been very very bad for us."

"Yeah...Alright well we are both up, What's 'ya say we head into town and visit the market?"

I don't like the fact this *thing* broke into the house and yet is immediately identified as a zombie. This story is pre-infection? You could add a pretty gruesome description to describe what's left of this *thing* after being shot.

Next thing. After shooting this Zombie, why would Jim just say outright "Oh yeah lets head into town and go to the market". Wouldn't he be a little bit scared that a thing broke into his house and he had to shoot it. Just little details to show the characters emotion and show he is human.

Later on he runs over another zombie with his car and is SUPER SURPRISED about it. Why? He shot one point blank in the face earlier in his home, why is he suddenly shocked when he runs one over?

Those were my biggest concerns with the story so far, other than that I really like it. There are a few grammar mistakes that could be fixed but its nothing to worry about.

Suggestion time! Perhaps you could the OOC Narration a different format to better break up the text and make it easier to read? Example.

"No...something...or someone is in the house...im'a go check."

*Jim picks up his Colt 1911 resting on his Bed side table*

"Hello?"*

Or you could make the chat bold and leave the OOC narration normal. Just to help break up the text and make it easier to read.

TL;DR

* Add more descriptive words to your narration to better describe and capture your reader.

* Give your characters a bit more emotion.

* Formatting.

Honest criticism, please don't take it harshly. I really like it so far.

Feel free to use this genuine Toorrik Artwork. I spent almost 5 minutes on it!

5iRxV.png

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Haha! I love the picture :) And yeah,Ill sure go back and edit the emotion I have an idea,But i cant do it till later. I have A field trip to A college I dont even plan to attend after HighSchool (Ima go to an art school so i can then go to Gamer making)

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Okay. I love it so far, but there is two things here I don't quite get or could be changed slightly.

"you sure your o- WOW! you sure did A number on that one Jim"

*Looking down at the now dead Zombie,where jims bullet lay in its skull.*

"Yeah...I told 'Ya. Something was in the house! But NOOOOO...its just the wiiindd.."

"Sorrey Jim-man...Guess next time I should listen to 'ya...this could'a been very very bad for us."

"Yeah...Alright well we are both up, What's 'ya say we head into town and visit the market?"

I don't like the fact this *thing* broke into the house and yet is immediately identified as a zombie. This story is pre-infection? You could add a pretty gruesome description to describe what's left of this *thing* after being shot.

Next thing. After shooting this Zombie, why would Jim just say outright "Oh yeah lets head into town and go to the market". Wouldn't he be a little bit scared that a thing broke into his house and he had to shoot it. Just little details to show the characters emotion and show he is human.

Later on he runs over another zombie with his car and is SUPER SURPRISED about it. Why? He shot one point blank in the face earlier in his home, why is he suddenly shocked when he runs one over?

Those were my biggest concerns with the story so far, other than that I really like it. There are a few grammar mistakes that could be fixed but its nothing to worry about.

Suggestion time! Perhaps you could the OOC Narration a different format to better break up the text and make it easier to read? Example.

"No...something...or someone is in the house...im'a go check."

*Jim picks up his Colt 1911 resting on his Bed side table*

"Hello?"*

Or you could make the chat bold and leave the OOC narration normal. Just to help break up the text and make it easier to read.

TL;DR

* Add more descriptive words to your narration to better describe and capture your reader.

* Give your characters a bit more emotion.

* Formatting.

Honest criticism, please don't take it harshly. I really like it so far.

Feel free to use this genuine Toorrik Artwork. I spent almost 5 minutes on it!

5iRxV.png

About your suggestion for bolding some text and not others,I already have the format for ALL of the text,and i just add in between them so going back and bolding parts would be alot of rather uneeded work

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----UPDATED THE POST----

Hey guys! Im not sure if any one is still checking this post out,But anyone who is,leave some feed back! please.

:)

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