Adam Clive's South Zagorian Journal

[Hotdogington]

The journal he holds is a little worse for wear, wet from the rain in some spots and little splotches of what appears to be blood in other locations. However, it functions as it should, allowing a place for Adam to write what he deems necessary. The handwriting is a bit messy, with the lines thick due to whatever he was using to write with. The scribbles start here:

 

I woke up in the middle of nowhere. The rain was soaking my skin and clothing, and the one thing I thought of when I got up was how cold I was. I was surprised. The last thing I remember was the plane's engine failing, and the Pilot and I crashing into.. what I thought was the Black Sea. Yet, here I was, in the middle of god knows where, cold and confused. 
I had a little bit on me. Enough to get moving. I had no idea where to start, and without my glasses, there wasn't much to see in the distance, so with nothing more to lose, I had gone on in hopes to find.. something.
It wasn't until a few meters into my walk that I realized how much pain I was in. Something must be damaged internally, along with a few broken ribs for sure. Yet, I knew the kind of world I was living in now, and I couldn't let myself falter. If I had given up, I may never know what happened to Rebecca or Cierra. 
I managed to find a town. Small, but had homes unlocked and provided shelter from the wet and cold. Come to think of it, I think I saw a sign on the way out.. yet my Russian is almost non-existent. Porobo? That's the best I thought I could make. The town had nothing in it, and there were signs of there maybe being someone already going through there. I followed the road out of the town, which led me to another somewhat larger town named.. Norobepka? God, I wish I knew. I'm not complaining though, since I managed to find some food, better clothing, and a small backpack to carry with me. Along the searching in that down, I was drawn by a tower in the distance, and what appeared to be smoke coming from it. I took the risk of branching off from the town, and finding myself on the top of a mountain, at what appeared to be a checkpoint of some kind. The tower has seen some recent damage, and the place was pretty cleaned out, but I found some more comfortable clothing, and followed some trails down to what to me looked like some sort of lodging. Found a bigger backpack, a can of some food that I couldn't tell what was, but smelt like shit, and nothing else. 
From the mountain side, I saw a much larger town. Decided I'd head in, see what I could find.
As bad of a condition I was in moving as much as I was, I never thought I'd have the will to survive as much as I do. I made my way into town, which I later was told was pronounced Zelenogorsk. In the actual part of the town which contained civilian buildings, I found a much larger bag, and.. my very first firearm deemed to protect myself with. A revolver, in great condition, yet limited to the six bullets I had on me. During my search a little after, I heard something I hadn't within the long hours since I woke up. A voice.
It belonged to a man who introduced himself as John. As much as I was relieved to see another face, I saw he was well equipped with some rifle, and in the state I was in, I was afraid I could have easily been killed, or worse. However, all he wanted was something to eat, which I promptly gave him the other half of the can of god-knows-what I had on me. After, he thanked me, told me he was off to hunt, and asked for me to come along. I declined, as my trust to anyone at the moment was still small, especially in my state of injury.
After he left, I moved on in the other direction, finding myself in the military part of Zelenogorsk. The sun was setting, which is what I believe brought out the horror I experienced while searching through the barracks.
Howling. Wolves. Fucking wolves. All I had was my pesky revolver, with only six shots where I wasn't even confident enough to hit one. Before I knew it, I found myself locked in a bunker. A rifle was inside, torn to shit but functional, and I had roughly thirteen rounds. As convenient as that was however, I was not about to make any sound to get myself in any more of an injured mess than I already was in. I thought I was screwed. There was no telling how many were out there. (Turned out to be seven.) Yet for whatever reason, a man who may have been wondering nearby heard the howls, probably noticed them surrounding the bunker I was in, and decided to try to kill them all. He did, but died in the process. I watched him die from the window. 
Now, I was certainly weary of such an event. The man had gear on him I could have taken, but I didn't know what was out there. So, I did what I thought was the best idea, and threw some raw chicken outside to see if it would have drawn anymore wolves. However, I instead saw someone come and take all the gear for themselves. Afterward, they came walking directly into my bunker, which they saw me, with my rifle pointed toward them, and left rather quickly. This started a long conversation between me and this gentleman known as Alkis to trust him and his girlfriend? enough to leave. During the conversation, the rest of the pack came, which they killed, cut up, and began to cook, but I think those gunshots drew in a horde of Zombies. They came swarming, which forced me into a situation of deciding on opening the door or not. I almost didn't, but I'm glad I did, because for some bit of bad luck had it, a bear joined the party outside the bunker. That grizzly was a lot more persistent though, as it somehow got through the roof into the bunker, but got killed in the process thanks to our quick efforts. The horde slowly thinned, enough for us to leave and kill the rest around. We left the bunker, and used that experience to allow us to sit by a fire, cook some wolf and bear, and get to know one another. 
Someone named Martin ended up arriving shortly after the horde did. I got to know them all as much as I could within the short time that we spent together. 
Saika didn't talk much. More of a woman that uses her fist to convey how she feels. She seemed nice though, when Martin or Alkis wasn't poking fun at her.
Martin was pretty cool too. He had a tough-guy exterior, but he seemed more collected than that, and kind in his own way.
Alkis is an ok figure. He seemed nice at first between the talk while I was in the bunker, to after the horde. He turned a bit sour after he got comfortable, I guess. I opened up a little about who I was, to which he responded with laughter and ridicule. I can't help who I was before all of this happened to the world.
Sometime during our talks, a quiet man named Clay came along. He was alone, but also seemed nice overall. He went in the same direction Alkis, Saika, and Martin went, where I chose to go the opposite. Alkis told me possible locations where a doctor may be, and I hope to find one, because even now as I sit in this abandoned building and write this, my entire front side aches with pain. I don't know if I should hunker down until I heal, risking the fact that it isn't that easy, or leave to find a doctor, risking my life due to how slow I am, and possibly causing more damage as I travel. Guess we will find out.

I don't know what I will do with these thoughts written down. Maybe I'll give them to you Rebecca, when I find you or what may have happened to you. I hope Cierra and you are safe. I'll do my best to ensure this journal finds you somehow.

Edited June 7, 2021 by That Hotdog

[Hotdogington]

It's raining, and I'm caught in some sort of military camo tower of sorts to stay out of it, so I figured I have some time to write till the storm passes.

It was hard to sleep last night. I ended up rereading what I wrote before I went to sleep only to realize how hard it is to read, even for me. Not that it matters, I'm just kind of jotting down miscellaneous thoughts and a summary of what has been going on with me. When I finally did get some sleep, it was only for a few hours. When I woke up, I continued on this journey to.. god knows where. I searched around the military encampment a little more in Zelenogorsk before heading out of town. Didn't find much but more zombies. I managed to get those that mattered, but one.. just wouldn't go down no matter how hard I tried. I struggled with it for a moment, and next thing I knew, everything had gone black. I wasn't sure if I was dead, or dying. If that zombie was still alive near my unconscious body, I was for sure food to it. Yet, my eyes opened, the zombie only feet from me, but not taking any bites. It was a miracle for sure, but I thought I was really going to die there. I managed to finally kill it, and moved on without looking back. The experience has taught me to no longer take risks and attack zombies head on.

From Zelenogorsk, I found myself in what I now know is Pavlovo. Place was littered with zombies, but I managed. From there, I found a fenced in military location beside it. Found out it was Pavlovo's Military base. Found a few good things, but one I'll write here is a sort of Russian modeled CQC weapon. Something more my style, for sure. It had a suppressor on it, and I managed to find a magazine that fit it earlier. Stuck with it as the weapon I used to kill zombies with. I was done taking risks. Ended up replacing it with something smaller, with a larger magazine. I also found pain killers in the hospital here, and have been using them to help ease my pain. They're not perfect, but it helps, even a little.

From there, I moved on to Kamenka, where I found a bottle to hold some water in (finally), and a board with a labeled map and ENGLISH TRANSLATIONS on it. I ripped it off and took it with me. The map had a label on it for a smaller camp toward the west of Kamenka. Possible area to loot. Along the way, I found a functional car with stuff in it. Was only missing a spark plug. God, how nice would it be to drive instead of walk everywhere in my condition? However, it had someone's stuff in it. I was faced with the choice to take it or not. I'm not a thief, and although I could very much use it, I decided not to. It needed a spark plug anyways, that I didn't have. Karma would have it though, that someone in a different car would pass by going the same direction, and offered me a ride after noticing my limping. He told me there was a trader this way, which he dropped me off at.

The trader didn't have anything special, but did have ammo and other things I could use. Although, there were others there. Questionable people. One person wearing a lot of black and a red arm band offered me some "medicine." I'm not an idiot, and didn't want what he was offering. Ended up giving him some ammo for a canteen though. After they left, another man, Russian approached while I was trading, asking my name. I didn't tell them. I didn't trust them. They left without much else.

After I left the trader, I began my trek along the coast eastward. Several cars passed by along the way, but two that passed while I was heading into Balota stopped when they saw me. More Russians. They pestered me and asked a bunch of questions after one of them told the rest that I was someone at the trader that didn't give his name. I knew they weren't to be trusted. They told me about their group, the Chedaki, and told me to kill anyone who I heard talk shit about them. I didn't tell them I already heard some talk shit about them. They also told me they'd know if I talked shit about them, and threatened me. No wonder people talk shit about them. They then left once they were done.

Now I'm here, after making my way through this air strip and finding shelter from the rain. I just saw someone run by on the road, braving the storm. Funny.

I haven't really gotten very close to finding a doctor. Haven't gotten close to finding word of where you may be Rebecca. I really hope you're alive. I really hope I'm alive to find out. I really need to find a doctor soon.

[Hotdogington]

I found the city of Chernogorsk. It was.. fucking empty.

I wondered through it's desolate streets, killing any zombies that had wondered too close. I really thought there would have been something here, but there was nothing. I searched through some buildings along the way, but for the most part, I did my best to carry on. That was, until halfway through, I heard the sound of a bullet passing by me. I didn't hear the sound of a gun shot, or anything. I didn't know what to do. So I put my hands up. I didn't want to die. I didn't do anything to die for, either. I waited there, hands up, when a vehicle approached behind me. It had two men in it, who asked if I was in trouble. I thought it was them that shot at me. It wasn't. They asked me if I needed help, and I told them I was in search for a doctor. They told me of this place in Berezino that had doctors. Told me to get in. I had no other real options, so I did.

To be honest, I half felt I was being kidnapped. The two men, introduced as Tom and Benito, seemed like alright people, and gave me some advice along the way. They asked who I was looking for, and about my injuries. They've never heard of you, Rebecca, and they also told me to prepare for the worst. I didn't want to agree with them, but, in some way, I had to. There is always that chance I won't find you, or that I will, but you won't be alive, or worse.

We arrived at this, Berezino. It's nice, for an apocalypse. It has people, shelter, and warmth. There's also a doctor that apparently resides around here, but she wasn't here when we arrived. I figured I'd wait, and take some rest. I was beat, and passed out before writing. When I woke up, the place was empty. People must be out doing things. I'm the only one here. Figured it was a good time to sit down and write.

Don't know if I'll wait around or continue moving. If the doctor isn't here for awhile, I'll have to go out and find one for myself. The faster I get better, the faster I can move about.

I pondered going back and taking that car. I'm not a thief though.

Edited May 8, 2021 by That Hotdog

[Hotdogington]

A lot has happened since I last wrote.

Me and Tom hung out a little. Took some pot shots at what he calls "the crazies." It was some good fun, until we got overrun. He distracted them like a professional though, and I managed to take them out accordingly. Honestly, the first time I bonded with someone in awhile, especially when we sat by the fire and spoke a bit.

I've been doing a lot of resting around here. Nothing much has been happening. I've helped where I was able in my condition, fending off zombies and what not. I continued to wait for a doctor, but none came. Many others came through however, and one specifically, a gentleman named Artem, told me he was resting there while he waited for a doctor to come and pick him up. I told him my state, and he offered that I come along.

We walked a few miles to another town, where this doctor came and actually picked us up. Drove us to this camp in the middle of a quiet location in the woods. There was a hospital, and several doctors in fact. They checked me up. Told me one of my broken ribs actually happened to puncture my liver. Told me they would have to do surgery. I don't know how they do things in an apocalypse, so I was nervous for sure, but there was nothing else to do about my injuries. One thing I remember before they put me under was a fellow named Max coming in to see how I was. I didn't know him very long, but it was a small thing that meant a lot.

When I woke up, the stabbing pain was gone. Of course, my ribs were still broken, and only time could heal that, but at least I can breathe. They gave me an unoccupied cabin to rest in, and here I am, writing. They were all very nice people. I'll write them here so I won't forget.

A Dr. Beerens. He was the anesthesiologist that put me to sleep. A Dr. Mary Davis. I have her to thank for the surgery. She did a great job, I'm sure. Also, the Dr. Ellis Mayfield. He was the one that picked us up, and did the initial check-up on me. I am grateful to them all so much.

Maybe one day you can meet all these nice people I am coming across Rebecca. I haven't asked if any of them know you, though. I don't like to usher such issues on strangers and people I barely know. I'm getting better though, and in my better condition I hope to cover more ground in hopes to find you or where you have gone.

[Hotdogington]

I took one of the pills Dr. Beerens gave me. Knocked me out pretty good, and I slept really well. Best I have in months.

I got back to Berezino after resting a bit after my operation. It was empty when I arrived, so I decided to lay low and rest a bit a ways off. I'm glad I did. When I woke up and came back, the place was picked clean.

Every wall, every locker, every door, destroyed and broken into. It was.. off putting. I don't know why, but it filled me with a really horrible feeling. Someone did this. Taking people's hard work and time away just because they can. It makes me sick.

I worry for Tom. I haven't seen him since I left for the operation. I really hope he's doing ok.

I left as soon as I could. I had a job to do, as a sort of return to the good people that took care of me. They don't have EKG's, and have to monitor their patients manually. However, I so happen to know my way around electronics. For once, I think my Engineering skills can be put to some use. I went out, on my own unfortunately, to gather any EKG's I could find in any major hospitals I could find. I actually found one in the big hospital behind Berezino, conveniently. One wasn't good enough in my opinion however, and pressed further north. 

Took a lot of walking and hiding from the rain, but I made my way all the way to Severograd. I went through Novodmitrovsk, and I thought there may have been a hospital within, but the closer I got, the more apparent the gas became. It actually caught me off guard. I hadn't seen it before, but it loomed like a thick plague that I didn't want to get near. 

I managed to find two more EKG's at the Severo hospital. It cost me an injury though. A damn crazy was sulking behind one of the doors when I opened it, and attacked. My left arm is in bad shape, but I managed to wrap it up as best I could. Three was enough after an experience like that, so I followed the map back to the camp. When I arrived, there were some new faces I haven't seen before. I got to know them a little, and they were nice people. Carolin, or Cara. Her voice is hard to forget. Woods, a nice man who I seemed to have talked to the most. Leon, who was very funny yet really nice, and liked to talk, even to a stranger. Then there was this younger man name Tate. He was energetic and liked to run around a bit. He seemed very independent though, which in a way, broke my heart. He must have had to go through some tough shit to be so.. full of energy while the world is in such a state.

I covered more ground while helping the camp. Still haven't found any trace or hint of you anywhere, Rebecca. Hopefully things will change.

Edited May 14, 2021 by That Hotdog

[Hotdogington]

Nothing major happened to today, but I end it with a lot to think about.

I hung around the camp for awhile. Fredrick or Mary wasn't around, but they're busy people, so I figured I'd wait until I showed them what I had gotten them. When I did manage to catch them, Mary was intoxicated and very upset. They had a rough day, which made me more glad to reveal to them what I had. No one in the camp had anything I could use to repair the two I know were damaged, but they said they'd let me know if they found any.

What else happened..

Leon spoke for the first time around me! That was interesting. I'm glad he's healing well.

Oh. I almost forgot. I wish I had.
Killing people that aren't infected. Why is seeing such an act harder to see than dead infected?

Someone must have been mouthing off to a member of the Chedaki, which lead them to getting a bullet to the head. I wasn't there for it, but I heard the gunshot and came running. The sight.. I wish I hadn't seen. It just wasn't the same, and I don't know why. I promptly lost my breakfast after. It just didn't feel right to me. Moving on though..

I met some more great people from the camp. Ellie was one. A nice woman with a strong personality. (Written in the margin:) Note to self: Don't be attracted to her or you'll die. Her and Isaac are both wonderful people. They may not think much of me, but I enjoyed their company. Peter seems to be hard on everything around the camp, but I'm sure he means well.

Then there were some new individuals passing through. Jackie was interesting. I'm used to someone attached to some sort of group or faction, but she was solo. I should ask her about if she'd like to do some gathering runs with me.

Then there's Dean. Someone I've seemed to bond with rather quickly. An ex-officer that hopes to become a security guard at the camp. He and I went along with Ellie and Isaac to the traders, but there was a radio for help along the way. Of course, we prioritized that, and managed to heal an individual that got overrun. I can honestly get used to helping people. Dean also ended up giving me his plate carrier. It meant a lot to me, even if it didn't seem like it. We talked a lot at the camp when there was nothing to do, and he's one of the few I really opened up to about my goals and ambitions. He listened well, and when we got back to the camp, he had some things to say to me.

He brought up the idea of me staying around. Maybe they'll need an Engineer around the camp. I tried to argue that I need to cover ground for you Rebecca, but he made the point that it may be safer staying, and possibly the options of still covering ground while being a part of Cordis Aido. He gave me reasons to stay, and the choice to think about it. Being on my own was more than likely not going to keep me alive for very long.

I've got to say, I'm stuck thinking about it, and it will certainly keep me awake. I don't know what I'm going to do Rebecca. Should I stay or go?

[Hotdogington]

Today wasn't as eventful for sure.

There wasn't much going on when I woke up, but when I did, the fucking C-Block was around, so I promptly left to go find some things I needed.

Found a bunch of destroyed tech in an ATC building. Whoever put the bullets into the PC's there certainly didn't want anyone getting on them. Even I couldn't repair them.

When I got back, I fixed the broken EKG's for Mary and Fredrick. I then felt the need to drop the question if they needed someone like me around. We got a little into the topic, but more work came Mary's way and she was taken off to do something. I understand though. She's a busy woman.

Tate got shot accidently during a wolf attack. Scared the piss out of me. I'm very glad he's alright. I wouldn't want anything to happen to him for sure. He's sort of a big part of Cordis, bringing a lot of energy and joy around the place.

Artem has been around actually, with this Ana woman. Don't know much about them. Well, didn't. We talked for a bit while Ana rested. I had just recently did CPR on her after she passed out again. Artem then went out for a smoke and something told me to go with him. He told me some things that I won't write here for my personal safety, but he trusted me enough to tell me and to keep it to myself, so I'm going to.

Artem was confident I'd find you Rebecca. It's honestly back and forth with everyone I tell. Some tell me to have hope. Others tell me to prepare for the worst. I don't know what to truly feel deep down. We'll find out when I get any leads, that's for sure.

[Hotdogington]

Didn't find the time to write yesterday. Ended up falling asleep before I got around to it. Lets see what I can remember and write down from last night.

I went out on a trader trip with Mary and Freddy. It was a great time, and I felt I may have bonded with them a little along the way. I did notice some thing about South Zagoria that I'll write down probably toward the end of this log.

Tate threw his hoe at me. He claims he threw it at the ground and it bounced off and hit me, but the accuracy of the swing says a bit otherwise. Got a decent wound on my left cheek. Five or so stitches that are slowly dissolving as I write this. I'm not upset over him about it or anything. I know he didn't intend to hurt me.

We went out on some late night hunting! I think I got to talk to Eva a lot more during it than I normally ever do, and I feel I'm safely getting to know everyone in Cordis. It made me a bit happy. Although we didn't find anything to hunt, we still had a decent time I think.

Oh! I got a nickname! The Walking Armory. I just need somewhere to put all this shit, I swear! I may not need it now, but I'm sure I can make use of it later!

I think that sums up all the notable things I think..

Anyways. I think I found a lead on where your ship may have gone, Rebecca. I never really checked around the docs of Chernogorsk or Elektro. That seems to be the best bet gauging the direction the boat may have came from. I'll leave in a bit to go check it out. To what I'm aware of, I'm not needed much around the camp so a few days trip and exploring between the two towns could be fine.

[Hotdogington]

It's hard to write when there's so much pain coursing through your body.

Starting off with the good things first. It happened. I finally got the armband, and became an official member of Cordis Aido. This starts the path of something new, and I'm completely ready for that. Decided I'd move forward and try to become a Medical Engineer. I need someone to train me in some medical fields, and starting that of is going to be Hank. He's going to teach me how to properly use the equipment used to sedate people and put them under. I'm willing to learn, for sure.

After that, I helped Peter out with building his own little place he can call home outside of the camp. Later on though, I found him sitting down beside a wall outside of camp after following some gunshots. Apparently he was fighting some wolves, but I didn't see any wolf corpses. He also told me he was fine, but I saw blood trailing down his arm, so I know he wasn't being honest with me. Thankfully he got checked up on, and I won't bring it up any further with him. I get it. People got to keep a persona up. I'll leave him be to do just that.

Another thing.. Me and a bunch of others from the camp went fishing! It was fun, to say the least. I haven't fished in awhile, but thankfully I didn't lose that small talent. Ended up bonding a little with Cara on the way home. I still can't get over her voice.

Once back, Dean, Tate, and I went out and grabbed some old lockers from Dean's old house. He bunked with me and Felix, who thankfully allowed us to stay in his cabin with him.

This is where it turns. Dean, Jackie, and I all then get out of the camp to try to find a stash I had run across in the Airfield. It wasn't around, and it didn't help the marking I put on the map probably washed away with the rain. So, instead, we went and looked through some of the old barracks. Everything was going fine, until a joke I pulled on Dean went wrong. He closed a door on Jackie and I, so I decided to do the same but lock it behind him. Not knowing I was still behind it, Dean panicked and shot through the door to try to open it. Hit me clean in the leg, breaking it and knocking me out. To say it's the worst pain I've felt ever wouldn't be wrong. I get why he did it. I get where he was coming from. But fuck.

Thanks to Leon getting to us, and Jackie doing her best to keep me from bleeding out, I got back to camp. The last thing I remember was looking Dean in the eyes, crying because I thought this was it. Thankfully it wasn't. I woke up, leg patched up, and feeling like a truck ran it and my head over. No one was around, but Dr. Shaun helped me to my cabin. I got him his Mosin, and it warmed me to do so.

Now I'm here in bed, Dean asleep nearby. I made the effort not to wake him, although I'm still a bit upset over everything. I really miss you Rebecca. I talked about you a bit to try to keep conscious. I told myself I couldn't die without finding out the truth. Maybe I still will.

[Hotdogington]

Yesterday was one hell of a fucking ride.

Apparently all hell broke loose, a lot of those from the camp leaving to go fight the NBC people that have been dropping the gas containers everywhere. I had to stay back and watch over the camp because of my leg, but I'm glad I did. Someone new I met, a woman named Hailey, got attacked by a bear that seemed to come at the worst time. I tried my best to treat the wound, but thankfully someone with a little more experience stepped up and assisted. My strongsuit is CPR, as I have used it more than my First Aid and AED training.

Right after, the C-Block and the Chedaki decided to use the camp as their battleground to dish out a bloodbath. People keep saying, "Adam you shouldn't be on your feet. Adam, you should be resting. Adam. Adam." When you have a day that seemed to never end in stressful events, you find yourself not wanting to get comfortable. I get that I have a bad leg right now, but it's hard to sit/lay down as it is. Imagine getting caught in the middle of a shit storm and I can barely pick myself up? I just.. couldn't help needing to be ready for anything.

Tate also got fucking held up. I got left behind once again in the camp to watch over. Part of me feels like I'd just be a hindrance anyways. The other part is glad I stay back, because as much of a front I put with how willing I am to put myself in a situation that would present force to protect others.. I've never shot a non-infected person before. I don't even think I could.

I don't know how to feel, or think, Rebecca. I could really use some of your guidance. When my mind gets too wrapped up in twenty millions things at once because I'm always trying to calculate every possible thing at once.. you just help ease it all. I hope you're out there.

[Hotdogington]

This page was a little rough to write on, due to the amount of liquid dropped onto it. It's safe to assume such were tear drops. The writing looks scrambled in so many ways, as if the writer stopped constantly before starting back up again. A lot of words have also been scratched out, before more words were written out beside the scribbles.

I thought about no longer writing to you, since there is no you to write to. Although, writing helps me so much. It helps me gather myself and my thoughts, and it's good to put things down on paper. I'll keep writing, as a method to keep me.. sane. I imagine you sitting beside me with Cierra, watching me write everything down. I hope you are, and will continue to be with me as I continue forward.

Also, Freddy, if you're there, I hope you're on the other side of me. You're death still weighs just as heavy on my mind, and I am teetering on the edge of joining you all. I'll write to you, too..

I found you, Rebecca. Part of me, deep down, may wish that I didn't. The thought of you still alive, driving me forward to do just that left me with.. purpose.. drive.. a will to be alive. Although, now.. with my friend sleeping on the other side of the cabin of me, I still ponder using the one bullet I still have in my revolver.

I used the one I made you.. Finding you wondering behind some buildings, infected. Not one that, but.. jesus.. you were still holding onto Cierra. God only knows how long she's been dead, wrapped around your body.

I'm...
I'm so fucking sorry Rebecca. I wasn't strong enough. Fast enough. I should have been there. I should have saved you. None of this would have happened. You'd still be alive. I would have protected you and our daughter..

I carried you home. I buried you behind the building I go to, to be alone. You, holding our baby. Me and Dean left you some flowers, just as beautiful as you were last time I saw you.

If I make it through this shit storm I found myself in, I'll keep writing. I write to you, and Cierra, and Freddy. Just to make sure you guys can hear me, and know my thoughts.
I love you all.

 

(Theme)

Edited May 28, 2021 by That Hotdog

[Hotdogington]

All of this is just.. so fucking hard. Rebecca. Fredrick. Please, help me.

I'm doing a lot to watch over Mary. She seems so isolated, and doing such is getting her in bad shape. Things only got worse for us all when the NBC guys attacked the camp. I thought I could get away. Make a B-line to the trees, and start picking them off. I got caught out though.. and I was amongst the hostages. So many times I was tempted to kill the fucking commander, but it's probably best that I didn't.

Mary.. Oh god, Mary.. She probably won't be able to do surgery again. That hand.. God.. I wish I could've done more. I wish I could have done.. something.

So much is going on. I can't seem to mourn, or grieve, or anything. There's so many people around that I don't want to just be upset around, but holding onto the mask is so draining. I.. can't keep going on like this. My head is starting to hurt, immensely, and this pit in my chest isn't going away. What do I do Rebecca? Freddy?

[Hotdogington]

Steel will never feel as cold as when it's being pressed against the side of your head.
It's even colder when you process the fact that you're the one pressing it against your own head.

 

I was ready to join you all. Rebecca. Fredrick. Now.. Mary.

I haven't experienced so much loss until I got to South Zagoria, but maybe it was just a matter of time.

It was just.. one after the other. I couldn't take it anymore. Yet, here I am, writing in this.. fucking journal. I must have left my radio on, because Shaun heard my attempt through it. He asked me what I was doing, and I didn't have the heart to tell him, or carry it out since he heard my cries. He doesn't know it, but he saved my life, offering to take me out of camp for a bit do just preoccupy ourselves with something else. It worked. For now.

We moved camp. I kind of like the new place. The stream flowing through it is nice, and bunking with Shaun was nice because I don't have to worry about shit heads breaking in like they did and stealing everything I have.

I had my talk with Dean. A talk that could have ended extremely horribly. Luckily, it didn't have to go there, and maybe, just maybe a little, it made us closer. He, and now Shaun, are the two closest people I have left. If it weren't for them being around.. I may not still be here to write this.

I hope you're still around Rebecca, Freddy, and now Mary. There's enough room for all of us in our place, so please.. make yourselves at home.

[Hotdogington]

I've lost a lot of incentive to write, but when I find it from time to time, I gather my thoughts and put it down in here.

This may be my last journal log, at least for this book I found in South Zagoria.

The gas continues to move South, and many people are expecting it to never stop. Preparations are being made to leave the country, and I'm inclined to join those that have given me a new home after I lost the only one I thought I had. I'll probably make efforts to see you one last time, and leave this journal at your grave.

I think I've gotten closer to Dean over recent events, and I know for sure I have gotten closer to Shaun. I hope those three will stick around in my life, and/or I will make the effort to stick around theirs.

May have gotten closer with Leon also. I told him the truth about how I've been feeling lately. He tells me I'm strong, and that my efforts even help him move forward. I may or may not one hundred percent agree with his evaluation on me being "strong," but I do what I can whenever I can.

I taught Dean and Jackie how to fish. A skill they'll definitely will need if we're on a boat for very long.
Jackie. Oh boy. I think she's grown feelings for me. Not that it is a bad thing.. I just.. Love is... a sore subject for me right now. I haven't really made any efforts to move on, mostly due to the fact that I haven't been able to. Although, however long she may have had these feelings, she.. respects me enough to not push it in any way. It definitely shines her in a light I don't think I've looked at her in. With enough time, maybe things will come around for me. Of course, she doesn't need to wait for me, I would never ask something like that of her.

I'm sure you understand Rebecca. You are probably telling me right now to go for it, because you wouldn't want me to forever shelter myself and my heart, and you would want me to be happy. I'm trying. Oh god I'm trying. It's just.. really hard. However, with everyone I've managed to surround myself with, I'm sure it won't be hard for me to find some semblance of happiness.
 

Rebecca. Freddy. Mary. I hope you all will remain with me as I move forward.

To whoever may come across this journal; Read the contents if you wish, I just ask that you leave it at the grave sight. If it's not there any longer, place it for someone else to find, so they may read it's contents themselves, and maybe learn a thing or two from my thoughts.
Signed, Adam B. Clive
Technical and Medical Engineer of Cordis Aido

Edited June 7, 2021 by That Hotdog