Bertie's radio rants

[Stagsview]

:: A man is heard from the radio. His voice bursting out as his thick lips slap against the speakerphone. A strong Londoner accent is heard coming through. The man sounds old. More than likely in his late 40s::

 

 

"Alright so, heres the thing son. Laddie, or whatever who listening. This thing on?"

 

::Violent tapping on the microphone is heard::

"I think its on. Yea, alrighty so! You see, i got an issue. I broke my last sunbed. The french guy who gave it to me decided to poke a huge hole in mine and it couldnt stand my weight so i burst right through it like a 18 year old snapper with a virgin girl. Still need to get it off..

 

::He begins to scream::

"BRING THE BERNIE STICK LADS! THERE HAS BEEN A CAVEIN!"

"Anyhow..erm..yea i need a new sunbed,  i tried looking for a poundland around these parts but i couldnt find a single fning one. Could you believe that? Chernorussia without a single fning poundland store. Like listen mate, where are the gloriea of cheap bargins mate, or even better charity stores..."

 

"Ahhh man mate, classic fm would like the charity stores at home... All the old diddies running around talking about cakes they are preparing for the next saturday.. mhh... Honestly man, pint of fosters, a gregs roll and top it all off, a slice of Mrkiplins cherry bakewell tarts... Man thats fucking heaven. You folks are missing out... Good for ya they are, part of the 5 of the day. Gotta keep those fruits and veggies pumping through ya..."

 

"You know, while i think about it, mint also.. whats mint guys? Is it a fruit or veg? Like bruh. Fruits go in drinka right? So mint is a fruit no? Its to sweet for a veg, but then again... Sweed is a veg and when thats mushed up in ur harvester lunches thats sweet? Like man, how do they do this shit honestly? I really need to figure this out."

 

"By the way, bring some rum while ur at it, i ran out, that kongo man stole my locker key, saying i need to cool down from the sauce. Man, fuck him and his french accent. I am calm. 5 a day keeps the doctor away. And thats for the rum for my tum honestly. Whats up with everyone."

"Also i need a parrot, anybody knows where i could buy a parrot from? I need to train him to open bottles man. Talented things. Almost as smart as puppers. Only wish that they layed cream eggs though... Aw god...i miss them..

::Voices are heard from the background, seems like people are coming shouting "Bernie! Stop using the fucking public radio"::

"Aww man...cream eggs...they havent been the same since the americans took over cabberys . The creamy insides with the sugary icing.. aw god.. aw god i miss those. Id honestly marry miss cabbery for the recipes.. mhh.."

::A struggle is heard, shouting and screaming is happenong over a struggle over the microphone::

 

"NO! RES.....UR ELDERS! God damn french cuuu..."

 

::It finally cuts out, ending this transmission::

 

 

Edited March 20, 2021 by Stagsview