Letters to Rhea

[kalyri]

Letty's Letters to Rhea

Not necessarily in any kind of order, but I wanted to write this after tonight and so here's an actually finished one after wanting to do this for so long.  Hooray writing to dead fiancee \o/

Letter #?? - 29 Apr 2020

Spoiler

 

My heart stopped today...

 

We were taken from the boat north of Berezino, the Russians had come over and they’d managed to distract us while we were leaving and a bunch of us were taken.  They were only interested in Fae, but they took the rest of us.  Through the woods, and into the outskirts of a nearby town--some later mentioned it was Polana, but I didn’t recognize it.  They’d split us up.  Fae and Robbie, they put them in the barn.  They were no longer interested in us, but they wouldn’t let us go.  I wouldn’t have left either way.  They talked to us about… funnily enough, our religious beliefs.  Between spouting off the stupidity of Chernarus and how Russia had swept in to save us, and their stupid directives.  No automatic weapons--fine, I don’t like them anyway.  And don’t go into military areas.  Simple enough.  We didn’t hear about what was going on in the barn.  And they didn't tell us either...

 

Shots rang out.  A few of them.  And my heart stopped.  I’d asked about them, but they’d merely told us there were animals--I wasn’t convinced.  I wanted to get up, to run over there, to open the barn doors and make sure.  But these Russians--despite my sarcastic defiance, they do scare me.  I’m not military trained.  I can shoot a gun, but not as quickly or as effectively.  And I don’t have the drive to go and practice, because I don’t plan on making it a habit of shooting people--but I’d considered it tonight.  They continued to talk.  We didn’t have much to say, so the Russians filled the silence.  They like to hear themselves talk, I think.

 

My heart stopped…

 

A hail of shots, successive and concussive.  It shook me.  Thoughts of firing squads, or of someone coming to save us and ultimately leading to the deaths of Fae and Robbie, or perhaps Fae had said the wrong thing and they’d just gunned her down in anger... I hadn't thought about an alternative where they came out unharmed...

 

My heart…

 

They left.  I couldn’t breathe.  I was crying.  I needed to move.  They'd tried to get me to calm down, but I couldn’t.  I’d spent so much time being angry at Fae for Luka--something that, ultimately, was not her fault--and suddenly she could have been ripped from me.  I’d spent so much time worrying that I’d be betraying you by feeling for her--and suddenly she could be gone.  I’d ripped myself from the floor, I’d stumbled out the door.  I didn’t care if the two had followed me, I sprinted.  I fell over the fence and made it to the barn and… and nothing.

 

There was no one inside.  What had they done?  There wasn’t--

 

I heard her walking.  I heard her crying.  She’d stepped around the trees and into my field of vision and I was so happy to see her that I hadn’t seen him.  Laying so limp, so pale, in her arms.  Robbie.  His chest barely moving with his labored breathing, the evidence of what they’d done to him still glaringly marked upon his body.  It was a mess, but I was still so happy to see Fae alive.  I cried, happy--before my heart dropped.  

 

I am angry.

 

She told them the truth.  And still they didn’t listen.  They tortured a child to get her to speak the words they were looking for--but they would have been lies.  They nearly killed a child to get what they wanted.  We ran then.  The other two looked to see where we were, but Fae and I… we ran.  We sprinted through the trees, the grass fields, until we saw the boat.  The place where this had started.  We made it just barely in time.  Robbie’s still alive, the kid’s made of sturdier stuff than most.  He’s hurt.  Fae blames herself.  And I blame myself for being too scared to fight back.  I don’t know what to do, except just be there for them both.  

 

I’m afraid that if they leave my sight… they might leave forever.

 

 

 

Letter #01 - ?? ??? 2017

Spoiler

I don’t know what to do Rhea. 

 

I still see your face when I close my eyes.  Just a flash of your eyes when I blink.  I keep trying to remember you before, your smile and the feel of you.  But all I can recall these days, any hour, is the sinking of my heart when I saw you, and the fear in my body when you lunged at me.  I still have cuts on my legs and arms from our living room tablet—the glass one you’d picked out to match the sofa I’d refused to get rid of when we moved into our first home.  I don’t even know how I’d managed to get into the safe—it was all a blur.  You’d been pounding and scratching at the door, trying desperately to get through into the bedroom where the gun was kept. 

 

I remember fumbling with the second combination on the actual box inside the safe that contained the gun.  I remember my fingers shaking as I opened the box of ammo, the sound of each bullet hitting the hardwood of the floor echoed, thundering in my ears, before I’d scrambled to put the six bullets into the cylinder.  You’d broken through the door by then, and just barely… just barely I’d managed to chamber the last bullet and close the cylinder before you’d fallen on me going for anything you could reach.  The first shot was loud—louder than the thundering rattle of the bullets hitting the wood.  The second was an echo.  Like I hadn’t even pulled the trigger a second time.  The third made me flinch, and you’d gone still, but still I pulled that trigger until there was nothing left in that gun.  I kept pulling.  The fear having shut down any kind of reasoning in my brain that you were gone.  You’d stopped moving.  I was alive… and you were gone.

 

When my mind caught up with the world again, it was like clawing through gelatin.  I was moving so much out of the way, but I wasn’t going anywhere.  Finally my eyes refocused on you… laying there, bleeding on me, the bed, the floor, anything that red liquid could reach, and I screamed.  I pushed you off and I scrambled away.  I fell backwards off our bed and I felt my heart trying to claw through my chest to get out.  I couldn’t keep air in my lungs.  Still I cried.  I wondered why no one came running—we had neighbors.  But I remembered the crisis was everywhere, we weren’t the only ones effected.  You weren’t the only one taken because of this. 

 

I’d stayed there, I don’t know how long.  But it had to have been hours later—the moon was shining in through the window before I moved again.  I knew I couldn’t stay there.  I couldn’t.  I grabbed what I could—our gun, the beanie you gave me, clothes… I closed the door on our bedroom and I remember the feel of the wood on my forehead.  I remember because it was then I considered turning the reloaded gun on myself.  You were gone, why should I go on living?

 

But then the faces of my students flashed before my eyes.  The fear in their eyes as we were informed of events during a school day, them clambering to ask me questions, to tell me things, wanting me to assuage their fears and their anxieties.  I had to live for them.  Any of them.  Our town was moderate in size, and there were safe houses.  I walked to one I knew would take me.  They must have seen the look in my eyes and known… they just knew.  I was given a blanket and directed to the open area where everyone was preparing to bed down for the night.  It was only a few minutes before I felt someone come over to me.  I felt them hovering.

 

She was one of my newly orphaned students.  Her parents… they’d gone to the front lines of this thing—doctors—and they hadn’t survived.  She wasn’t necessarily alone, some of the other families in the area were here at the shelter and had been caring for her, but… I’d opened my blanket to let her join me, as I leaned against the wall of the building’s large room.  She held onto me, and we both cried.  She sobbed into my shirt, and I leaned back and just let myself mourn you and the life I’d taken from us.  The next morning, she stayed by my side.

 

It’s been a few weeks now since then.  The government in the town has broken down.  Large groups of people have moved towards bigger cities—one’s that have the military backing to keep people safe.  Me and Anya have chosen to go with a smaller group of people.  They were happy to let us tag along, first in their vehicle, and then on foot.  But…

 

Rhea, they didn’t make it.  The second I’d realized it was happening, I’d grabbed up Anya, and we ran.  She’s asleep now.  I had to… I had to get her out of there.  I don’t know what to do.  Every time we come across one of those things, I just see you again.  What if they find a cure?  What if I killed you for nothing, Rhea?  What if Anya’s parents died for no reason?  Rhea… I know I need to protect Anya, but I don’t know how much longer I can pretend to be strong when I’m falling apart inside.

 

Letter to Fae - 8 May 2020

Spoiler

I did something stupid today.

 

I didn’t believe it, when Hutch told us what happened a few days ago.  But today… I think today finally broke me, when Robbie…

 

I went outside when it finally hit me… I took the shotgun off my back and I shot.  One shot.  Straight up into the air.  And I waited. 

 

I’d closed my eyes, sank to my knees.  And I waited.

 

Their footsteps were thunderous against the dirt and pavement of the city’s streets.  Their yells were monstrous and exploded against my ear drums as they all turned their attention to me—aware of me, but not coming for me until they set their eyes on me.  The asphalt of the main road dug into my knees, the stabbing of the fragments felt through the denim of the jeans I wore, painful, but I felt I deserved it.  I still feel like I deserve it… because it happened.  It fucking happened.  You… I wasn’t with you.  God, I’d told myself that I should have just… told you.  But now I can’t.  You’re gone.  Ripped from me—from us.  Because I wasn’t there. 

 

God, Fae, I’m so sorry.  I don’t even know why I’m so sorry, but I am.  I had this sick feeling of relief at the idea of joining you.  But when I sat there, every memory of us came back to me.  The laughs and joy, Robbie trying to get us to just admit it to ourselves and each other…  I didn’t think it was possible, but more tears fell as I waited to be torn apart by the infected I’d drawn to me.  I remembered our day in the tree in Soup Kitchen.  I remembered our night on the beach at the boat.  I remembered holding your hand when Robbie was shot, holding onto you, and the promise to myself to not let you out of my sight again.  I remembered hearing you talk about doing the same thing I was attempting then… and how much it hurt to think I’d lose you.  How much it hurt to hear you say it felt like your only choice…

 

And I moved.  I turned and shot the first infected with the remaining shell in the shotgun and hit the next with the butt before kicking it away, and I turned, and I ran.  I managed to get into a house… it’s where I’ve been since.  I’ve thrown everything in this room, I’ve cried; I cursed God and demanded to know why you had to be taken, because somewhere in my grief riddled mind, I remembered what it was like to pray, to believe in something, and I felt like I deserved a damn answer.

 

Then I… You know, I used a needle and ink the last time I did something like this—of course writing it there with pen first.  But I guess I needed to feel the pain of it this time.  Who knew three letters could hurt so much?  You’d call me an idiot, I know you would.  What if I’d cut too deep?  What if it gets infected?  Actually… those sound more like questions Robbie would ask… and if he was in the right frame of mind, I imagine he’d yell at me for this.  Just under Rhea’s name, faded now since I used printer ink for it… three letters. 

 

F A E

 

It hurts now.  But it’ll heal.  And although it’ll heal, I’ll be forever changed by it... by you.

 

Who knew three words could hurt so much?

 

I guess it hurts more now that I can’t actually tell you…

 

 

Edited May 9, 2020 by kalyri
added a new one!

[neom]

very well written, I enjoyed the read. 

[kalyri]

updated with a new letter \o/

 

also thanks neom, i didn't say it before but i'm glad you enjoyed the first one 

[kalyri]

Letty is emotional about things.

 

New letter, but not to dead fiancee this time.