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Major

Through Lines of Black - A Sentinel's Tale

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I really enjoyed this Major! You wrote very well, and very descriptively. It was a pleasure to imagine and visualize all the scenery and character thoughts/history that was going on. The only thing I could provide as feedback was make the text past tense rather than present. I started out reading as if it were past tense, only to encounter present such as flicking the zippo or kneeling down to ground himself which was a bit jarring from a immersion standpoint. It seemed like you wanted it to be clear you are the narrator of this story and are creating a scene for us to witness in real time but the content of the story seemed more like it had a tale to tell through what you were describing which is usually suited for past tense narratives. Then again, perhaps this is what you were going for, after all I'm not a writer and am just a bumbling peon. 

Either way, I enjoyed it a lot. Like I mentioned, you expertly detailed what was going on, who was there, what they were likely pondering through their actions and motions and your descriptions were lovely and metaphorically rich! I hope you continue to add on to this story.

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2 hours ago, Brayces said:

I really enjoyed this Major! You wrote very well, and very descriptively. It was a pleasure to imagine and visualize all the scenery and character thoughts/history that was going on. The only thing I could provide as feedback was make the text past tense rather than present. I started out reading as if it were past tense, only to encounter present such as flicking the zippo or kneeling down to ground himself which was a bit jarring from a immersion standpoint. It seemed like you wanted it to be clear you are the narrator of this story and are creating a scene for us to witness in real time but the content of the story seemed more like it had a tale to tell through what you were describing which is usually suited for past tense narratives. Then again, perhaps this is what you were going for, after all I'm not a writer and am just a bumbling peon. 

Either way, I enjoyed it a lot. Like I mentioned, you expertly detailed what was going on, who was there, what they were likely pondering through their actions and motions and your descriptions were lovely and metaphorically rich! I hope you continue to add on to this story.

It's in the past, and the tense change is a conscience decision. It helps with flow and makes it to where actions feel more immediate.

I figure if you paid that much attention to the passage it's obvious that it's entirely in the past. Then again some of that is done to confuse and blend the lines between the two. 

Thanks for reading. 

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