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Memoirs of a (Fallen) Doctor: Tear-stained Pages

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And it was just like that, that the nightly ritual came to Olivia. Take by mouth... A sip of water, allow the mind to wander. Let the doubts and memories come. But this all-too-quickly turns into another ritual. One that brings the world crashing down. Without much thought, if any at all, steel is pressed to her thigh, to her arm, for any kind of relief. And soon enough... The steel barrel to her head, before sense and cowardliness, kicks in like a freight train, going hundreds of miles an hour, eager to reach its destination. A guttural scream of pain, of torment, of wanting this life to end escapes her at that moment, wishing for change that would never come. The pistol clicks once, then twice, eventually... Thrice, before the hope of death is diminished. It clatters to the ground, hardly sliding in the dirt and grass. Red clothes now stained green and brown, she buries her face, tears staining the ground. The journal in the back of her mind, it seems to find its way to her hands, just as the pills do, faded label barely visible even in the light. Just three more.


Fuck. Shit. Damn it all. I can't do this. I just... I can't. This world rips away my mother, then my father, then my friends and then my lover. -The- lover. Just let me die, for the love of God. Not that I think he exists, willing to take all of this away from me... Why can it not just end with me? Why is it not enough? So many "why's," and no "how's."


That's it. I could take all of the pills. Every single one of them. Sweet, sweet... White... Tablets.  If I live... Then that's it. I'll be forced to live. Maybe that's what it'll take. 


Mom... I hardly knew you and yet you were ripped away from this life far too early... Father? Papa? I'm sorry I was not the daughter you wanted. And Cassandra? My love? May we meet in the arms of the Lord... Across the ocean. I love you -I love you iloveyouiloveyou  I love you.


Water fell through the air and yet it was not raining. No, indeed, she was crying. Choked, wretched sobs that cut through the camp in the darkness. Tragedies stained these pages just as they had stained her soul. Eyes closing, she fell asleep with the sweet relief that she may not awake tomorrow, but also with the fear that she would.

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