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Ulthel

There's crumpled paper on the ground near a body

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*Ashvens body lies on the pavement in Pustoshka near the pub, a page full of scribblings lies near him.* 

  
   " Day... somethin or other, it's a friday at least. 

I never actually write down my thoughts or feelins. Pa always said that was for queers and women, wonder what he'd say to me if he met Johan. 
Well I managed to find some decent paper and a working pencil, no eraser though, so I'll just have to write well.

My name is Ashven Davis, my Ma was a Chernarussiun nurse, and my Pa was Sgt. in the U.S. Marines. I grew up in Lubbock Texas where I could never be myself. 
If you're readin this, hopefully I'm not dead and someone just stole and tossed my shit. It's been a rough few years, and I don't know which one of those options I'd prefer.
I'm currently writing this by campfire while on third shift watch for Odezva. 

Times have been hard since losin my first squad, I lost myself for a few years, stayed alone for some time goin crazier. I've been blamin myself for everyones death, but watching Armin die was the hardest.
It's sad to say, but I hope I never meet his brother in this life, even now I can't hold it together while thinking back to that day. Fuck I aint supposed to be cryin, but that man and I were close. 

I hope Johan never sees this either.

I aint cut out to try and carry myself like I've got the biggest dick on the planet, I feel like I'm not a good leader because of that. 
I try to be humble and helpful where possible, I only joined the military because that's what Pa wanted. I wanted to be a firefighter, aint met no one who dislikes a firefighter. 

Maybe it's time I try to live for myself and for what I want. 


    It's Sunday, I think, another third shift, been a few days since I last wrote.

The Major seems to want me to be a hardass. I'm tryin but it's not in my nature, I'm a good ol' boy. I like these Odezva guys I consider them friends, but I aint a cold blooded killer, and torture aint up my alley either.
He's calmed down a bit since I sent that radio out to Russo, but I can tell he really wants that man dead. I'm startin to think I might not be cut out for what they want. 
I really believe they're tryin to do right by the world, but we aint got the systems in place to put away the men who need to be put away. 
There's an old prison on the southern coast I think, I'd like to lock people up there, maybe set up a proper rehab center. Get these people help and recivilized. 

It feels like our goals are unreachable at this point. Maybe that's just my broken brain crying out for more vodka.

I'm gonna dig into my stash and ride the high before the guys wake up. They can't know I've been self medicating. 


    Friday, been about a week since I first wrote.

When I was young I knew a kid, Pa said he was simple, but the kid had the best scores in math and science. 
I think Pa said he was simple cuz he looked a little funny and didn't play with the other kids, but when he got older we became friendly for awhile. 
He talked a bit about his dreams and goals, said he wanted to go to space if I remember right, he was a good guy, ended up movin from town right after high school. 
Said he got accepted to some big technical university for aerospace engineering. 

I'm only mentioning him because last time when I was waxing poetic about goals and dreams and wondering where I fit into this new world, I started to think back and he came to mind. 

I hope he achieved his dreams before the world went to shit. I hope he got off this god forsaken rock. I'd rather die in space than here. 

Pa was wrong, we're the simple ones. 

I plan to burn these soon, I don't really want my group seein these thoughts let alone strangers, once the paper is full I'll burn it. 


    Wednesday

I've got a belly full of food and a bottle of vodka to share with the group. We've been making big moves, establishing a presence on Deer- 
Major wants me to use the Chernarussian term, but for the life of me I can't fuckin remember it. Maybe I'll ask hi-
We're trying to set up a permanent home agai-
Hopefully this n-


*the rest of the page is unreadable due to bullets holes*"

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