Its been hard. While I am always around people, sometimes I feel alone and empty. And at the same time, I feel free. Some very old lady in one of the groups I stayed with for a while, told me that I am lucky because this generation is as free as she has never been able to, when she was young.
She told me to be fearless because then life would become limitless.
I can still hear Svea's voice when I close my eyes.
"You are old enough. I did my duty and now you are on your own. Do not think that I will miss you. You better forget about me."
That is all she said before she left me for another guy who did not want to take another one into his group he had to feed.
I was 15 years old. Young, but not a child. I was able to shoot when I was 12 years old. I went on a "hunt" for the first time without Svea when I was 13 years old. Then it became a regular thing. When I was a little child, Svea went from group to group, trying to find something stable... to find another guy she could be with...a guy who would keep her safe till she got bored of him. I got to know a lot of people. Each group was my family for a while. Some have been good to me. Some showed me how to write, how to read and how to craft stuff I could use. For others I was more a burden... some more mouth to feed.
I dont fear anyone or anything anymore. That does not mean I am fearless. But I embrace the feeling of being limitless. I am not my mother. I do not need a man to be safe. I do not need a guy to survive. I do not need a man to feed me.
I can survive on my own.
You know, I do that thing... It's called "what I want".
I know what I am worth. I know what I bring to the table, so trust me when I say I am not afraid to eat alone.
In 2065, I was around 13 or 14 years old, Svea decided to stay with a guy which everyone called "old man". He was nice to me and Svea. When he was in a good mood, he showed me how to shoot and teached me how to read. He was very protective, a strong guy but he also had a troubled mind.
If he was not in a good mood, he was loud and sometimes violent towards others. He never layed a hand on me. Svea on the other hand could not shut up.
So sometimes she walked around with a nice thick lip.
It was Svea who ended the relationship with Old man. She found someone new... someone more stable, stronger, someone with more stuff she wanted... blabla... I had to come with her, she forced me.
I would have loved to stay.
I have always been rebellious and wanted to be able to take care for myself. I did not want to be dependent on anyone.
Within this group there was a boy who was around the same age I was, maybe a bit younger. His name was Five because he was the fifth kid... funny, isn't it?.
For a year or so I did hang out with him. It was with him I went on my first hunt.
I wonder what happened to him. I really liked him.
Well, that's beside the point.
For 5 years now, I travel around. Sometimes I stay with some people for a while - if I choose to. Or I stay by myself.
So, the question is, do I want to be with a group of people I can trust? Do I want to be part of a group I can call my family?
However, the family I choose for myself is more important than the one I was born into.
These people have to earn my respect and my trust, not have it handed to them simply because of genetics.
Fuck you, Svea.
A few weeks back I ran into Five again. I hardly recognised him because he is much taller than I remembered but when he talked I knew I was home. I still know most of the guys and therefore I stayed with them.
It's my old and my new family.
Five has not changed. But maybe I did. I don't look at him the way I did years ago. While I always liked him and also sort of thought he is hot, I never tried anything. I did not want to get too attached or dependent. I also knew that Svea would force me to leave at some point which prevented me from catching feelings for anyone, ever.
Now it is different.
I like him.
I like him alot.
I am still not sure how he feels about it and if he is serious about it. I know that I want to be with him.
It feels like we are somewhere in the middle of love and friendship.
And so far, I like that.
Staying in one spot for too long
People being selfish
Five & CC