The first time I met Mr. War was in between Stary Sobor and Kabanino. I was travelling with Cecilia and Brody I believe. Brody kept yelling at Mr. War that he branded him and kept arguing about it. I was slightly confused about Brody's behavior since he didn't seem to let go off the topic. I didn't understand why he didn't just walk away. Leila told me to investigate and so I did. Brody told me to stay away from Mr. War but Leila and me were curious. So we met him again in Kabanino and talked briefly for a little bit. I guess I also wanted to find out what really happened with Brody since I didn't trusted his word really. A day later I met him again I saw him running over the fields to Vybor and I guess I saw my chance to talk to him alone. Leila was excited to meet him as well.
In Vybor we finally could talk alone. Leila and me were instantly hooked listening to his explanations. Just the way he talks was fascinating to both of us. After hearing his reasoning for Brody's branding I understood why they did it. I thought back to my own lesson my brother Red gave me to better myself, to change and I didn't understand why Brody was so angry about a simple wound on his hand. As Mr. War explained his ways he started to explain that they are so many connections between us and there was no arguing about it, there were connections. He is one of the only one's who doesn't think that I am sick. I was happy. Really happy. He doesn't think at all that something is wrong with me and said that everyone else is just wrong and doesn't see the bigger picture. We both hear the trees talk and the wind whispers. And I think that is why we connected so good. I guess I just felt close to him ... since I had the feeling that he was like me. We talked for hours and hours and hours and I just didn't had the feeling I have to be different around him. It just seemed that he saw so much more in me than I saw in myself.
My brother and many others always questioned my friendship with the horsemen and if I believed them what they said. Why wouldn't I believe them? Nobody can prove to me that they are not the horsemen. Why can't they be the horsemen? Why does everyone have to tell me what I can believe and what not? Why does everyone think that their reality is the right one? For me... and that is the important thing... for me only counts what I think and I believe them. I feel free when I am with them. The question is... when they can be the horsemen... why can't I be the lamb? Maybe I am. Nobody can tell me what I can or cannot be. I grow more and more fond to the idea that I am.
We met on a daily basis and I introduced them to my other friends. And Mr. War introduced me to Mr. Pestilence and Mr. Conquest. I enjoy all their company and they are all special in their own ways. I enjoy sharing my chocolate with Mr. Conquest. He seems to be the only one who cares for those things. Even though I try to get Mr. War enjoy those little things too but I guess it is not for him. Maybe one day. Mr. Conquest also knows how to play Rock, Paper, Scissor. As soon as I wanted to play with them Mr. War dropped a bunch of paper and said he won and Mr. Pestilence ran off to get a huge stone. I laughed and I turn around to Mr. Conquest and I asked him if he knew how to play and he actually seemed amused and said yes. Then I asked him if he would tell the others and he shook his head and said no. He is funny. I like that. Leila likes all of them and she always tells me that it was her idea to get to know them. That is why she is the best cat. When Mr. Pestilence came back he had a huge car door brought back as his contribution for rock, pack, scissor and I giggled. I really like playing games with them.
I noticed how attached I became to "my" horsemen. I can't even say when I saw them as part of my family. It just happened. I love them... all of them. I would miss them when they wouldn't be around. And even though Mr. War said they would come back when their vessel died. I don't want that to happen. All those memories... I don't want them to be gone for them. It is not the same so I will protect them till the end. And as my brother Red always said... family comes first. And even when they wouldn't see me as family. It wouldn't change a thing to me. Besides Mr. War already admitted of loving me as a family. It made me happy. I think he changed slightly since he never talked about feelings before and I could have sworn I saw care in his eyes for me down in Electro.
I hope that Mr. Pestilence and Mr. Conquest are more often there too. They seem to have a lot of missions far away and sometimes I wonder what they are doing when they are not around. I know one thing for sure. Mr. Pestilence hates chickens and even though he kills them whenever he sees them I can't even be mad at him. Even though I for sure love chickens. They are so cute with their little wings and their little eyes and they flap around with their little wings. Anyway. It is what I always said to my brother. Family doesn't judge so I don't judge him for hating chickens. That is what family is about.I just wanna spend more time with all of them and I will do everything to protect my horsemen.
A little while ago Mr. War told me about a new "project", or what he called it. He said that he found the last horsemen. The horsemen of Death. I was intrigued instantly and wanted to meet him but Mr. War told me several times that he is too dangerous for me to meet him. I was still curious... And my curiosity will probably get me sooner or later into trouble. I pushed him to tell me more about him but he didn't. But it should have changed soon enough. Mr. War got injured and we had to take care of him in the cabin. And it seemed that as soon that Mr. War was injured, Mr. Death appeared. I first met him in Pustoshka and Mr. Conquest and me were quite scared as first. He is quite giggly and he seem to like to kill infected a lot. Sometimes he should just randomly ran off and come back again. I also watch him from time to time just stalking from some bushes. Sometimes I wonder how long he had stalked me before cause he knew exactly where the cabin was, even though I am sure that nobody told him about it. He didn't seem to trust anyone, not even his fellow horsemen, maybe besides of Mr. Pestilence. When we were in Sinistok, we met a psychiatrist called Mr. Shock and he seemed quite blunt and direct with his explanations. He got me to talk to him in the woods. He was scared that I would tell the the other horsemen about it. He asked me what my brother Red did to me and he wanted to teach me new things. I told him that I wouldn't tell anyone when he would teach me. He wanted to teach me how to work in harmony with the things I see and hear. My visions. And he told me that he would help me and that he would have to experiment with me. But I agreed. I thought that it couldn't be worse than what Red did to me. In the end it was different than I expected.
The next day he brought me into in a shed and he triggered me so much. In the end he kinda took me hostage, not that I didn't expected it a little bit but it was different. He made me angry... really angry. I noticed how I changed, how my stare got colder and how I wished that I could hurt him in that moment when he triggered me. It's like I am suddenly a different person. I bit him in his leg, I remember that good. I was sad that he was wearing jeans. It would have been a good bite. He continued with his little game with me and I lost it. I remember what I saw that day. He whispered into my ear: "Talk to the lamb... You're not one." And I remember what I saw. There were many ravens crying bloody tears in an ocean of blood.... drowning. He was choking me and continued to ask me question while doing so. That day I felt different... I didn't forget or felt weird afterwards. Afterwards we drank together something and I went home. I promised him to not tell the others so I won't. Even though I don't see a problem with it.
After that day our little games continued and he told me about his childhood. It sounded cruel and terrifying. Torture since he was a child. Which became the normality for him since he doesn't know anything else. And he gets judged for it, even though it is not his fault. People don't give him any chances. But I am different, I will give him that chance and give him that trust. I am not like the other people. I got hurt a lot too in my life and I guess I feel connected to him. I buried those feelings deep inside of me though. He likes to fight with me and I like fighting with him. It feels like I can let it out. Everything. I think he understands. I don't have to hold back. I tasted his blood like he tasted mine the other day. I don't know what I think about it and I don't even know why I like it. Maybe I do cause I share it with him and I feel connected with him. The crows he hears and his headache are connected but when he is with me he is calm and tame. I can make it better... I can make a difference. He wants to teach me more stuff. I like hanging out with him even though I know he has a dark side. But I don't judge. Not even after he told me that he is a cannibal. I still didn't judge him. He is one of my horsemen.
Alaric became like an addiction to me. A drug I knew I should stay away from but for some reason I couldn't resist. Even though I know of course that that specific drug could possible hurt and kill me I just felt I had to get it again. Why does he have that effect on me. I don't understand. And even after my talk with Mr. War ... I lied again about Alaric. I felt bad but I just did it automatically. As my mouth suddenly had a life on his own. I don't wanna lose any of them... but that also includes Alaric. I know he is bad ... and sadistic and still there is that part of me that wanna go with him. I feel like being ripped apart inside of me. But like a real drug addict, I can't stop thinking about it.
Here are a few drawings I made for them. I love to draw but I am not sure if they care about those kind of things, probably not since they all don't seem to care about any belongings. Even though Mr. War told me that he also kept the red coat I gifted to him. Maybe I will show it to them.
In the end they all left me... and I am always catching myself wondering why they abandoned me as well. I don't think I will ever know but I miss them so much... I don't think I will ever get over it that I lost them. I miss and love them so much.