Emptiness is the most destructive feeling that exists, it consumes.
Some people say it is better to feel pain then to feel nothing, I guess they are right. People seldom know what it is like, to be empty, to have nothing to live for. I suppose you could compare it to feeling sad, but there are no more tears to be shed or not a single way to grieve the everlasting feeling of never feeling anything.
I guess what marked me was finding true love at too young of an age, with too much struggle early on, and then you have that wonderful moment where you see the light at the end of the tunnel, you get to experience it and for the first time ever the nothingness that holds it two firm hands on you disappears for just a brief second. But life is harsh it rips and destroys, just as it gave me the opening to learn how to feel and live it takes it all away.
I don't know if I could describe it best as refreshing or just paralyzing maybe it was a bit of both. Losing true love and I know this sounds silly at the age of 15, it is destructive especially for well... Someone like me.
She showed me feelings I didn't know I had and just without those the world is cold, I didn't really realise that it was this cold, it was as if I had tasted the forbidden apple in the garden of Eden. If only I hadn't then maybe I wouldn't feel so, well so empty.
In a way I guess she betrayed me, she decided that even though I fought to fix her I was not worthy of that. I guess it might've been what I deserved somehow, faith is a funny thing it is a story that is written and just a thin guided line you follow.
I tried finding my way in the world without the sweet taste of the apple I had touched, the magnificent thing that was not destined for me, maybe it was gods way of punishing me considering I was created by him as he intended me too, I am not religious but I like giving meaning to things.
I decided, somewhat I guess to turn my back on my own morals and on those of the ones around me, after all, my path was no longer paved for where I grew up, everything was a painful reminder.
Life was a painful reminder.
I decided to struggle, as a final gift from my family I got my way of escape, a motorcycle I hold dear to this day, sadly just hidden from the dangers of this world.
But money doesn't come for free, it comes at the cost of time, of life.
I had a knack for computers, there were ways to earn money through extortion, scamming, bug hunting, things I could do as long as I could find a way to connect to the internet, which wasn't hard either. People are notorious for not protecting their wifis enough, and even if they do, wireless signals never were a secure thing.
So I kept travelling in a way to find something that would allow me to find meaning in this world, but I guess in the end it all came crashing down.
At least it did for me on that one fateful day in South-Zagoria
and now without the speed and adrenaline of my motorcycle, everything feels numb and destroyed, cold and empty.
The void is just creeping up on me again and no matter the people I surround myself with I feel alone.