I am the result of being with nature.
I don’t know why I thought I could help her brother come back to life but I really believed it... until I saw him with my own eyes.
He was already taken into the hands of the gods. He was one with nature but regardless of my beliefs, I could not tell her that.
I knew it would hurt her and it was already a difficult time for her, her mother and her brothers father.
I did what I felt was the right thing. I spoke to my gods and asked for his safe return to them.
Being in this country felt wrong. Even on the plane I already felt a storm coming. A storm of life and death. I could feel the elements; fire, water, air, earth and spirit.
I grew up with only my mum. She worked hard so I can have the best life possible. I was free. She raised me to be open-minded, thinking for myself, making my own decisions.
She told me to believe in myself and to trust my own feelings. She always told me to trust the vibes I get. "Energy doesn’t lie", she used to say.
I miss her. She would know what to do right now.
Thea does not believe in what I believe but she asked me to come with her and I wanted to support her. She is my best friend and I love her.
I wanted to leave right after we buried Thea's brother but she didn't seem ready to leave her brother in the ground at this point. So we stayed a bit longer, not knowing what was coming.
After Thea's brother died, I thought the feelings I had on the plane when flying over here was because I could already feel that Bohdan won't survive. Now I think I could feel the energy of the tragedy that is happening right now.
Thea is strong, but this situation hit us both while we were already weakened. I try to be strong for her but I am terrified and scared. Are the gods punishing us?
My mum and Thea are the only people I trust fully and I could not think of anyone else being trapped here with me.
I know it is not her fault.
I know she wanted to stay here because she could not say goodbye to this country and to her dead brother yet.
On the other side, if not for her, I, I mean we, would be safe now. I wish I would not blame her for not listening to me but sometimes I do.
I always have to remind myself that there was no other way for us anyway. The gods already decided our faith and I already knew something would happen while sitting on the plane to this beautiful country. I already felt some vibes I could not connect to anything. Bad energy that I could not understand at the time. Now I understand. I understand that my feelings do not betray me.
I do not know why we were chosen to prove ourselves but that is the only reason I can think of that makes sense to me. Chosen to prove that we are worthy, that we are one with the nature, that we can and have to fight what we have to face now.
I am not sure if I can fight what is happening now but I am one with the nature. Deeply connected, like I never was before all of this.
Once Thea, me and all the others I did not know at the time got out of the hostel, running towards the woods, I lost Thea.
I've known her for four years. In those years we have built a strong bond between us even though she does not believe what I believe in. She always respected me and my religion and I never tried to force my religion onto her or anyone.
I know she is still alive and while I am looking for her, I am sure she is searching for me. She would never leave without me.
In the beginning, when I first met her, I am pretty sure she only used me to get some weed, the best fucking weed in town, I swear. After some sit-in`s at my home it was clear that we had more in common than she maybe thought and we became best friends. I knew from the beginning that she is a great person. I could tell by her aura.
I miss her and her grumpy moods.
I try to stay alive. I try to not lose hope but I have to admit, it is really difficult and even though I pray to my gods everyday, I am waiting for a sign, for something or anything, to know that the gods are still with me. I tell myself that I am not alone, that the gods guide me on my journey and yet, looking into the faces of the people I am with at the moment, I ask myself why the gods have sent me to them. There must be a reason, something that they want me to do, to experience with them.
I am still with some people who stayed at the hostel with us before all of this happened. We got away together. They are great and we seem to grow a bond. We help each other and we try to keep up the hope but they still don’t understand me the way Thea did. They think I am strange or weird but that is ok even though it does not feel great.
Their aura’s are special. Colors I have never seen before. Their energy is pure and strong.
Trust the vibes you get, energy doesn’t lie. I learned that since I was kid.
There is one aura that I can’t stop looking at. It is golden and has some silver sparkles around it. It calms me down and wakens energy in me at the same time. Energy that keeps me going even though I do not know where to. Not yet.
We keep on moving now. I will write to you later.
I love you mum.
I like the different people I am with but to be honest, I would have never hung out of with them. It’s the hostel that brought us together or the way away from it. Funnily enough, I trust them. Each one of them is good and unique in their own way. It is kinda sad to know that in a normal situation, I would have never got to know them. It is not like we are best friends but I think we are getting to a point of friendship that is much more deep and connected through a strong bond in a very short period of time.
Samantha for example, she is more quiet most of the time. If she talks, she seems to be calm and what she says seems thought through to every detail.
Jason I would call our leader. His knowledge about military stuff, weapons and so on, it helps us. He is a great listener and motivator for all of us to move on. I kinda had a mental breakdown. I could not see any positive anymore and at this moment I had no hope. It was him to talked me through. Even though he cannot bring us home, he at tries everything that he can, using his knowledge and experience. He seems to be a very strong guy. Pavel seems to be a strong guy too but in another way. He does not tell much about himself. He seems to have a troubled past which makes me believe is a survivor. I think he had to go through shit his whole life. Some say he is rude, I just think he speaks his mind, not holding back with his feelings and his thoughts. He has strong opinions and in his very own way, he tries to help. I don’t ask how as I am a little bit afraid of his answer.
Writing about those people makes me question what I actually can contribute to this colorful and great clique of unique people. They don’t believe in what I believe. They actually sometimes make fun of me, calling me a hippie or “Tree hugger”. The only one I think is actually interested is Elaine. She is only 17 years old and super brave and strong. I kinda envy her for her ability to adapt to the situation. She knows her way around and since she found herself a girlfriend, she seems really happy. I think this relationship keeps away bad thoughts and makes the hopeless situation a little bit less hopeless for her.
At the moment we are on our way to a camp, just taking a break to eat and rest our feet. We are warming up ourselves at a little fire in a nice little house in the middle of the woods. You would love it. It looks so beautiful that I could forget what is really out there.
Jason heard there is a camp in a bigger town. The UN he said. He believes they can help and I think so too. If not them, I don’t know who. Maybe Thea is there. Maybe she found her way earlier than me and she is safe now.
Mum, I can still feel her. I know she is alive.
Even though I miss her, it is you I can’t stop thinking about. I worry about you. I don’t want to trust myself. If I would trust my own feelings and vibes, it would make me even more hopeless and sad. The bond between us seems to fade away and I cannot believe this and I won’t accept it. It can’t be true! Deep in my heart I know you must be alright. You must!
Listen, I doubt myself and my religion at the moment. Nothing makes sense to me. Why would the gods put me and the people I love in such a situation. Maybe it is even out of the hands of the gods? Maybe there is even a higher power? Does that mean I start to NOT believe? Mum, tell me what to do! I should not doubt the gods, should I?
Ok, we will move on in a moment to find our way to this camp. Wish us luck and pray for us as I will pray for you.
Goddess of the Moon so fair,
I ask thee harken to my prayer.
In the shadows, evils hide,
ready to draw me from love's side,
but with your help I shall be strong,
banish all that do me wrong.
Send them away, send them astray
never again to pass my way.