Who Am I ?

My name is Anton Baryshev , I was born 14th of December, 1990. The “age of drug addicts and alcoholics”. Well not exactly but that’s how it felt after all. I never got into that shit by myself completely, you know little bit every now and then. I was born in Lappeenranta, Finland. I don’t want to go into too much into detail but around eastern Finland, close by Russian border. We had a quite decent sized family, 3 siblings, sister, two brothers, mother and dad. Sister was one year younger than me and my brothers were 3 and 10 years older than me.
Our family originates from mother Russia, they moved in Finland when my mom was still waiting for me. Hard times out there you know, father couldnt find well paying job and mother was busy with the kids. My father found work from Finland. metal work, welding and shit. It was alot better paying job than any he could find from Russia.
I am trying to put myself and my life in words but it’s quite hard. You know it’s not that easy to write all the shit you have gone through on a paper. You don’t know what you want to write and what you don’t want to. what would make people interested and what not, what is useless talk and what not. like for example this useless mumble, so I will just get straight into it.
I have never been normal, I always had issues. Asthma, allergies (countless of them), atopic dermatitis, bad sight and that’s all only physical. I have never been found in mental illness but I can’t believe that by myself, I guess you will get into that later on. I am special that’s all.

Childhood

I started out as a normal kid as I could be, well I thought was. Always been the special one in school trying to get attention from everyone else. If I didn’t get attention I freaked out, I could not stand it. I could not stand people not noticing me. In school if someone was caught doing stupid shit it was me, I was put on detention and even then I did not stop my stupid shit. Writing stuff on walls that would not make any sense, yelling stuff to get attention and even breaking stuff and that was only in grade school
I was forced to change my school into special class after 3rd year. You know in a class where all the special kids belonged to, but I still continued on my behavior until it met the end. I was finally noticed, but not in the way I was expecting it would be. I started to get bullied in school, you know I was the retarded kid, skinny one with classes, bad skin and easy to pick on. I couldn’t stand against anyone. All I had was nothing, except my second oldest brother who everyone knew. I tried to scare them out with him but even that didn’t work, well they were always just words anyway. getting beaten, yelled with words and when I tried to do something against them i got 10 times harder back. Did i deserve it? probably I did, after all i was the fucktarded kid that wanted the attention. This all was around the primary school and secondary school. At age of 7-16, something like that.

My oldest brother moved away from Finland some time ago and second oldest brother turned into a drug addict. He was sent away to another home, you know where the troubled kids are sent to because your parents can’t do it anymore. All my so-called "protection" was away, the people I could always count on. After my brother moved away I started to be the problem, well I have always been but now my mother really noticed it. She didn’t have the power to deal with another problem.
I couldn’t walk anywhere without thinking what people think about me. Every fucking single person I walk into, I thought "what is he thinking about me? what is wrong with me now?" and the funniest thing was I knew what was wrong with me but I couldn’t do anything about it. Well i could in some cases but I was too fucking lazy to do anything. I couldn’t trust anyone.
When I was around 10 years old I started smoking, doing stupid shit and stealing. I was often dealing with police. I don’t know why, well I guess I did but not then. I think I was trying to fit in somewhere, I tried to be badass so I would get more respect. I got respect from the friends I used to hang around but it didn’t fix the problem. That only would make my problems worse. Now my own mother couldn’t stand me either, I was in a really bad relationship with her, my father however tried to have faith on me but after all, he didn’t even know what was really going on.
Around the age of 16, I got into the vocational school after all that, studying on the profession I was interested in. New age finally. No.... not at all... I found out that I got into a new class with my worst bullies. The next fucking years I was staying in the same class with them. I don’t even have to explain how that went down, exactly the same road as before. Actually even worse but this time I didn’t feel it. I never graduated. My mother finally had enough of me, she sent me to my dad. She didn’t want to make the same mistake as she did with my brother, she didn’t want to send me in another home. My brother was getting worse. More drugs even worse than just cannabis, he was in jail for the first time. Afterwards started doing drug business and other criminal activities. There was no turning back from him anymore, he was lost.
After living with my dad he finally saw the real me, he was disappointed. His current wife didn’t like me at all, every time she had the chance she made my life worse. She had her “perfect” son’s and would always brag about them. My dad was mostly ashamed of me, that I was his son. I managed to ruin my relationship with him too. After I turned 18 years old I moved away to my own apartment as soon as possible, then I would not be a problem for anyone except myself. My dad didn’t have to shame me every day and I would not have to watch my stepmother face anymore.
 

Later Years

I went to the army, as all of the Finns go. At first they didn’t want to let me in because of asthma I had. They said I need to wait couple years and have a look again then before joining. Some people here would be fucking grateful for those words from the doctor, but I was not. I begged the doctor to give me "A" papers to get in, and he fucking did… he fucking gave me the papers... I got in! I finally got into something I wanted, I mean I wanted the attention but not in that way. I finally got something I wanted for real. Army went well with my mates, it was like I finally belong to somewhere. I finished as support gunner, and since there was no course to use acog sight and night-vision sight. I went for light machine gunner course as secondary. I finally completed something in my life, after that I knew what I want to be or I knew before joining.
I wanted to join the UN peacekeepers, but of course it didn’t work like that. I started to work myself in better physical condition, obviously i was not in good enough condition for that. I worked hard couple days in a week and I started to see progress. I thought maybe I would finally do it, apply for UN but no... There was something I forgot to count.. I had asthma, atopic dermatitis and allergies, there would be no way I would get in. I'm just too big risk for them even though at this age those were minimal. Another dream crushed, I was at point zero again. Now what?
 

I started drinking, use drugs but not too much. I didn’t want to end up like my second oldest brother, he's been in jail couple times already now. Drugs took his mentality, he was found in schizophrenia. He started to hear voices, these voices told him to do horrible stuff. He did beat up his best friend couple times even though he provided him with roof and food. Even I did scare him at this point, I was the one having his back all these years. When I was told to not take contact him, I always said he would never hurt people close to him. This was before he started hearing voices. He ended up in mental hospital prison unit. Now he is gone completely, my best friend and support. He was everything to me. Alcohol started to be a problem to me, I still didn’t consider myself drunkard. I didn’t feel like I was addicted but afterward thinking about it maybe I was.
I tried studying again couple times, but I always failed. I couldn’t just do it, all I wanted was to be home alone where I would not have to worry about anything. I had my own private world. I draw, wrote, play games, did 3d modeling and drank beer. After some time being in my cave, I started to socialize myself by going into bars. I didn’t like to be sober, I think I couldn’t. All my thoughts would just bring back up while sober, when I was drunk I didn’t have to worry about that. I didn’t have to worry about my mind and I could sleep. I was open, I didn’t think what everyone was thinking about me, I forgot the past.    I forgot myself.
After the time passed in my own lonely world, I kind of woke up. I managed to get into school again, this time studying welding. I didn’t drink that much but it was still a big problem. Every now and then went to hunting with my stepdad and my friend. that was something I really liked to do. I got away into woods in silence, it felt like another world. I loved the nature it reminded me from the days in the army. I didn’t even have to drink, well I couldn’t because I was dealing with a rifle and getting the food on the table. I even started gun training and field training courses at reservist union. I liked to deal with weapons and that would be the closest I could get into my dream of UN. Hell, maybe I even could join it after showing my dedication. Everything started to seem good, I started to get somewhere. But the beer still was a problem, I drank always on my free-time. After couple years I did finally complete the school, I was fucking amazed about it. last time i succeeded at something was the army. I did still hunt a lot, i took the gun courses and made friends and I was in somewhat good relations with my dad.
After the school I couldn’t find a job, you know it’s hard these days. I tried to keep myself busy with hunting and gun courses but that was not that frequent. I didn’t really have anything to do except you know drinking, I still had my problems. You can try to run away from the problems, but you can’t run away from your mind. Still couldn’t trust anyone, still felt like I was the kid in school. the special one who gets punished for being it. Drinking took that away from me and I started drinking more, more and more. couple beers turned into 12 beers a day and that was only my "evening beers". If I wanted to get drunk I couldn’t keep count. pretty much all my money did go to alcohol. I was a drunkard. Almost lost my apartment.
I knew at this point I would need something, I was almost at the point where could not return anymore. I almost lost myself again, but this time I realized it. Then it came to my mind, the worst decision I could do at this point. Leaving it all behind. We have been thinking of hunting trip with my friend, so this would be the solution to my problem. Leave Finland behind for a moment and go for an adventure. I didn’t really know where to go, I haven’t ever been anywhere else than Finland and I didn’t know anything about gun laws in other countries. We can't just hop in a plane with rifles and shit. Well then my oldest brother came to my mind, he moved into Chernarus and he hunts too. The landscape is quite similar to Finland. Called him and planned the trip, he was happy to take us there. long time no see and shit, having fun with the same "hobby". We had our plan now, we didn’t think too much and it was rushed. But now I could try to escape my troubles in Finland.
Didn't know that shitstorm was about to turn countless times worse.