Terra

The war in my head

366 posts in this topic

This is the reason I voted you for 'Story of the Year'. To me there is no other competitor, amazing as always <3 

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Really great story, only got a chance to look at it now but I enjoyed it a lot :D

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Just now, BradyBarns said:

Really great story, only got a chance to look at it now but I enjoyed it a lot :D

Did you listen or read or both? And what do you prefer? Thanks for coming by :x

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Just now, Terra said:

Did you listen or read or both? And what do you prefer? Thanks for coming by :x

I only read, is it worth a listen?

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Just now, BradyBarns said:

I only read, is it worth a listen?

Well, try it ;) that is why I am asking. I read the story and record myself.

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Posted (edited)


20370479e3ea6f29d1ec427fa97f0734.png
Feel free to listen as I read René's story for you.

For Audio click

The truth

I don’t know where to start. So many things happened and there are so many things that I want to write down, but I don’t know when and I don’t know if I should. I mean...If someone, at some point finds this, I am done. I am fucked...if I am still alive...and on the other hand I write this so someone, at some point maybe can tell my story...To get a feeling of what it was like to live, to be stuck in a world like this. Maybe YOU have a better life and all those creatures are gone...who fucking knows. And who fucking cares...


Ever since I told them the lie, the bended truth...all the bullshit...  so much happened.

We found Enzo and Jaro introduced me to this friend Anya. It feels like a big family. Everything we do together. We would kill for each other and we have done that already. Enzo always travels around. He has a lot on his plate and he is searching for his old friend.

Anya, a small girl with brown hair and brown eyes. Beautiful looking and strong. She drinks a lot and smokes. She seems very close to Jaro. In the beginning I wondered if they have been a thing at one point but both denied it when I asked. A lie. I know that now….it does not matter in the end.

We have all been sleeping in a house near an old train station. Jaro, Alex, Mason, Anya and me. Jaro is really protective and he seems to care a lot...to care about everyone. I mean, this is his family so I understand why he is so protective. I sometimes still feel new to this whole family thing….new and sometimes it feels like I don’t belong there since they don’t know the truth about me. They deserve to know the truth...

Sometimes I tried to flirt with Jaro a little bit, but to the time I was not sure if he actually likes me or if he would find me attractive at all. I loved to look at him. He is taller than me and I have to look up. Light brown hair and dark brown eyes. A deep voice, his accent…. I could not and sometimes still cannot read his face. I would give everything to be able to read his thoughts. I love to touch his face and to look in his eyes. It is different and it’s real.

Anyway, one day, in the middle of the day, we decided to go towards the north. I don’t know what I said to him when we left the train station, but I clearly said something he liked. He turned around, took me by my waist and before I could even react, without a warning, he kissed me on my lips. His lips felt dry and soft to the same time. His beard on my cheek.

His taste, his touch.

It was different and I cannot get enough of him.

Looking back, I think this was the day...the day I was sure he felt something for me too, like I did for him. Like do...for him. The day he looked at me with different eyes.

We had many conversations after that. Many times I could have told him and everyone else about me, about who I really am and was. To this time, the voice in my head seemed to be gone. Only a few times I got screamed at. Sometimes I forgot that I lied to them and because I could not allow me to forget, I reminded myself that I have lied to them and that I have to tell them the truth almost every night before I closed my eyes. Almost everytime Jaro touched me softly with his big hands, when he explored my body, when he kissed my body...almost everytime his hands touched the scar on my inner thighs, I knew I have to tell him. I knew it, because I knew that I love with him. I knew I have to come clean. I knew I have to do this for me and my family. If I ever wanted something so bad that I would risk losing it, it would be this family. It would be Jaro. He deserved to know the truth as a person. As the person I love.

If Jaro and the others are truly my family, we will go through this. That’s what I thought at least.

I remember the day I have told him like it was yesterday. We found a barn and we decided to stay there. Everything we need... everything we need to survive, we can find nearby.

Jaro wanted to know a lot about me and I told him everything I could, I answered him every question. I tried not to lie, to be honest with him. As long as he did not ask me about the Clowns and the others, to answer truthfully was easy.

At this point we had been together for a few weeks. A lot of stuff happened and we talked a lot, mostly about me.

One day I saw Jaro and Alex fighting and Alex said some nasty things about Jaro. I never saw Jaro like this. He was angry and obviously hurt by the words Alex used. This fight and what was said made me curious. I asked him the same day but he seemed too down to talk to me which made me even more curious.

He promised me we would talk about everything and that I can ask any question. We have been sitting in the barn and looking back, he was giving his best to tell me what I wanted to know. It was not enough for me and I did not realise that I pushed him to tell me more. I missed the point where it was too much for him. He ended the conversation and I bitched about it. I was angry and went outside the barn to get a clear mind. After a few minutes he followed me outside and tried to talk to me. At the time I did not realise that he had no idea why I was so mad at him. I was mad as he promised to talk to me, to answer my questions and then, he fucking stopped it. He did not tell me that talking about his past is difficult for him. He couldn’t...I know that now.

He tried to talk to me and when he seemed to realise how angry I was, he turned his back to me and walked off. He fucking walked off... Without thinking, I followed him and pushed him from behind as hard as I could. He turned around, red face, his hands clenched to fists and he just looked at me. I will never forget that look. I think he was close to beat me and me...I would have deserved it. He took his stuff and went away. I was standing in the middle of the barn and I could not move. I thought he might just left for a walk, but this night he did not come back. I was in a bad state. This was exactly what I feared. Him leaving. Anya stayed with me this night. She didn’t seem concerned and she told me he will be back. I could not believe her.

I couldn’t sleep and I cried the whole night. All I could think of was if he would come back. A scenario that I already know… I know how it feels...it would not have been the first time that I have been left alone. This time I had Anya who helped me, who was there for me. I decided that night that I have to tell him the truth. I was afraid and this time the shitty bitch voice came back. Screaming at me. Telling me that if I tell the truth I would be alone again. That I will not survive this. She screamed at me and punched me in my stomach.

When I woke up, Jaro was not there. Not yet. Anya was gone too. I was alone in the barn. I got all my stuff together. For me it was clear they left me. I waited for a little bit as I still had hope. I left the barn. Outside I saw a creature. I was angry at myself and the voice was screaming at me. To make it stop I let my anger out on this undead thing. I run my knife through his skull. I kicked and beat it till I broke down next to the rotten one.

I did not hear him coming. All I knew was that he wrapped his arms around me. He looked at me, looked if I was bitten. Slowly I realised that he came back. Right in time. I would have been gone if this creature would have not been there. What a fucking joke, right?

We went inside the barn to talk about the day before. I apologised to him.

I knew it was now or never. This was the time. I asked him to listen to me. I asked him to listen and not interrupt. I feared, if he would interrupt me, that I would stop talking. I feared I could not concentrate because of the screaming whore inside my fucked up head.

He agreed and he did listen.

I told him that I tortured people. I told him about the feeling that it gave me. I told him everything and all,  I did not change anything for my advantage, I did not hold back. While it felt like a relief, it also felt like me giving up on him. Like breaking up. First he looked at me. He did hold my hand. Once finished, he let go of my hand. He was angry, sad and disappointed. I expected that. I expected everything. I answered all his questions and I tried to explain why I lied. Nothing seemed good enough. I did not try to justify what I did...not this time. I told the whole, disgusting truth.

I did not expect that he somehow already knew or suspected. It was clear to me that he won’t forgive me. I was ready. I knew. I got my stuff and apologised again before I made my way out of the barn. It was different. After Chase left me, I knew that I was able to survive on my own. I did not tell my story to Jaro so he will stay to protect me. I told him the truth because I wanted him to stay because of me and not what I pretended to be. I knew, either we will go through this, or I will be alone. Being alone did not scare me anymore. Losing him on the other hand scarred the shit out of me, but I knew I would survive and because I love him, he deserved to know the truth.

I was already outside the barn when he roughly grabbed my arm and told me to stop. I did not want to cry but I could not help it. I did not expect him to ask me to stay, but he did and like a rotten one I walked back inside the barn with him. We did not talk much after this. He told me that he does not want me to go and he needs time, and that he loves me. I promised him that I will give him all the time in the world. He kissed me he held me and he held me his arms before we both tried to get some sleep. I haven’t heard the bitch in my head this and the next day.

I think it was two days after I have told him everything. I woke up in the morning and I decided to go to a pond near by. Just a few minutes away from the barn. I put my stuff next to a big stone and went inside the water. I washed my hair and once I turned around, I saw him. He was standing there, watching. This fucking cute smile on his lips. I wanted him so bad at this very moment and I told him exactly how I felt. I don’t think I ever saw someone taking of his cloth so fast. He kinda ran towards me and held me like he never held me before. His hands so strong but so soft. He kissed me wildly, so passionate like it would have been the first time. The water was freaking cold, we both did not feel it. He lifted me up and I wrapped my arms and legs around him. In this moment it felt like we are just a normal couple in a normal world. Nothing to fear, nothing to be afraid of. I don’t know for how long we lasted but I remember looking him in his warm eyes and I could feel his love for me like I never felt it before.

I knew that this moment would not last forever. I knew that this is the beginning. Of what? I don’t know. But I am here. We are here. Anything can happen. Nothing to hide. No lies anymore.

I hoped for good times. The first time since all this happened I allowed myself to have hope. The first time I hoped that everything will be alright. The first time I thought everything is okay.

Now I am here, sitting next to Jaro. I have not eaten for days. I can not. I don’t know if he will make it through the night. He might die and it’s my fault. My past might kill him and I could not do anything to prevent it. It’s killing me. But before it kills me, I need to make sure I kill the person who did this.

I listen to the voice in my head. For once… for once we don’t fight. We agree.

I once wrote:

“I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become.”

Truth is, I choose wrong and I am exactly what happened to me.

I won’t give up. I never give up for who I love.

The guy, Woods, he needs to die and he will.

Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow.


The question isn’t who is going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me.

Edited by Terra
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1 hour ago, Terra said:

You don't need to quote the whole story again for us to read again. Thanks though. //Jamie. 

boi first on this, thanks terra, gonna listen now :D

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I always love reading the stories you write Terra. This is great

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sooo fucking good! i liked the little transition at the end from past to present and the cliff hanger! good job terra

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These are awesome, wish I could do something like this sometimes all I know is how to PvP.

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Just now, Charlie said:

These are awesome, wish I could do something like this sometimes all I know is how to PvP.

Thanks for the feedback. Would be much more appreciated if the comment about PVP would not be there. We all know already you are edgy.

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3 minutes ago, Terra said:

Thanks for the feedback. Would be much more appreciated if the comment about PVP would not be there. We all know already you are edgy.

Thanks for the feedback, I'll definitely take it into consideration in my future posts. Constructive feedback is always welcome.

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Just now, Charlie said:

Thanks for the feedback, I'll definitely take it into consideration in my future posts. Constructive feedback is always welcome.

I am so glad!

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3 hours ago, Kyle_Jones said:

boi first on this, thanks terra, gonna listen now :D

Thank you for sticking around!

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Great installment, nice to learn a bit about someones character! Good job as always!

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54 minutes ago, Terra said:

Thank you for sticking around!

quick question tho, do you RP this all out ingame? or just as a story, cos the only RP i get is getting robbed xD

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Posted (edited)

Another great entry homie.

@Kyle_Jones just gotta find the right people is all son, all these events happen IG

Edited by Daddy
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42 minutes ago, Kyle_Jones said:

quick question tho, do you RP this all out ingame? or just as a story, cos the only RP i get is getting robbed xD

Yes, everything I write about was roleplayed out and happend.

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When the arguing in her head turns to agreeing, I think I just got real nervous....

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